Slater (left) in The Lineup. Photo: Instagram

Surf royalty Kelly Slater avoids Snapper and its grotesque local enforcers ahead of Gold Coast Pro, warms up on “world’s deepest standing wave” in Hawaii!

Money moves.

The Gold Coast Pro, there stage right of Snapper Rocks, will officially kick off today, by all accounts, and professional surfers are ready. As you know, Coolangatta’s most famous wave once commenced the entire Association of Surfing Professionals then World Surf League Championship Tour season. There was a gilded ball in nearby Surfers Paradise, first, then many fine performances in the water before the production moved south to Bells.

Alas, those were different time. Since, a smarmy Oklahoman has decided that Snapper ain’t good enough and relegated it to the scrub Challenger Series. It’s value, now, based upon the fact that it is the first stop after the new “mid-season cull” and allows beheaded professional surfers their first possibility of redemption.

Points toward requalification.

Nat Young, Zeke Lau, Jackson Baker, Michele Rodrigues et. al. will be surfing in the round of 64 after their decapitations. 11x world champion Kelly Slater will be surfing there too even though it is unnecessary for him so to do. The aforementioned smarmy Oklahoman, World Surf League Chief of Executives Erik Logan, changed the rules overnight allowing the 51-year-old to earn points from wildcard entries into Championship Tour events and then gave him wildcard entries into ALL Championship Tour events.

Sneaky.

But there he is anyhow, in the round of 64, heat 12.

Now, most of the hopefuls have been in town for days, warming their legs and spirits on Snapper’s lengthy rights though a terror has reared its head.

Enforcing locals.

First brought to light by the “bastion of kook” Surfer magazine, this new grotesque breed appears to horrify and bully by donning springsuits, dropping in and surfing so poorly that the idea of skill, of style, is sucked from the very souls of all nearby.

We will see how this affects Young, Lau, Baker, Rodrigues et. al. but Kelly Slater took absolutely no chance. He chose, instead, to warm up at The Lineup at Wai Kai.

Just west of Honolulu, The Lineup is said to be “the world’s deepest standing wave” and sources on the ground declare that Slater very much enjoyed the experience, even tiring himself out on an extremely long ride.

He was, anyhow, on a flight to Australia yesterday and will likely be ready to “earn” his way back to the bigs.

Get excited.

But, quickly, does Slater’s excursion to, and approval of, The Lineup make you want to sample? It sure does me.

See you there.


“The mass of the rich and the poor are differentiated by their incomes and nothing else, and the average millionaire is only the average dishwasher dressed in a new suit.”

Hawaiian authorities ramp up “bold” plan to send homeless Americans back to mainland, “Aloha also means goodbye!”

"No one wants to be homeless or without a job, without a place to go every day, without a future, that's not paradise."

Who needs a homeless haole, am I right?

The Hawaiian state gov, pragmatists who know the fabled island chain is a magnet for the destitute ‘cause if you’re poor y’might as well be warm instead of freezing to death back home on the mainland, plans to ramp up its program of shipping mainlanders back to where the hell they came from.

“It saves the state millions of dollars in the finite amount of resources we have for our local homeless,” Rep. John Mizuno told Local 8. “We’re getting them back to their family, their support group where the homeless can get back on their feet.”

The program was launched in 2015 to tamp down on Waikiki’s growing homeless problem, with out-of-state JOJ’s swelling numbers. So far 599 out-of-staters have been given seats home on Southwest airline jets.

In a piece for KITV4, two Boston men, Michael McCann and Michael French, spoke of living on the Honolulu streets.

“No one wants to be homeless or without a job, without a place to go every day, without a future,” McCann said. “I mean, that’s not paradise. That’s torture. Everybody needs to have help, absolutely. If you could help anybody here get back home. People are suffering here.”

His pal Michael French, howevs, ain’t going nowhere, free airfare home or not.

“This is going to be my home. I’m going to stay in Hawaii. I have no wants to go back to Boston. I don’t like the cold weather there, can’t push a wheelchair around in the snow too good. I’ll be here until the day I die.”

Dunno about you, but I  get a shiver whenever I pass a homeless man, roughly my age, ’cause I know I’m maybe six bad months away from joining him on his cardboard carpet, old paw extended to grasp your offered coins.

I remember, once, a prominent surf magazine photo editor telling me he was living in his car.

Like Orwell said in Down and Out in Paris and London, “the average millionaire is only the average dishwasher dressed in a new suit.”

Anyone done it or doing it tough?


Twin flames. Photo: Instagram

Adult learner website The Inertia follows surf guru Sam George’s lead, outs San Francisco secret spot known for its enforcing locals on Instagram!

A match made in heaven.

One of the more enriching moments we shared this spring (autumn in Oceania) was Sam George declared “Death to Secret Spots” on adult learner website The Inertia.

The surf guru opened his missive thusly…

Back in 2003 I got the call that just about every other surfer in the world dreamed of: an invitation to join the Quiksilver Crossing, and a berth on the Indies Trader as it made its way down the largely unknown coast of Nicaragua. Granted, I was editor of SURFER magazine at the time, yet it was still to be like no other surf trip I’d ever experienced. Not exploring a remote coast by boat — I’d been fortunate enough to do that a number of times before — but for being asked to sign a nondisclosure agreement before joining the ship.

“While the basic route is outlined,” read the project’s official website. “no specific references are given in regards to surf spots. Everyone connected with the project respects keeping known and unknown surf spots a mystery.”

Everyone but me. Seeing as how on my watch at the top of SURFER’s masthead, my editorial policy concerning exotic travel stories was to place the trip on a map without necessarily drawing a map, I took exception to this particular ethic.

“That sounds great,” I said, in discussion with Martin Daly, the eminently colorful and opinionated skipper of the Indies Trader. “You want us to reveal the place, promote the place to the benefit of Quiksilver’s brand, but not say where it is. I think you’d better know that my current motto here at the mag is, ‘Death To Secret Spots.’”

And then proceeded to carry on for much time, writing about how the idea of secret spots is anathema to stoke or soul or some such.

Beautiful.

He followed it with a second, equally inspiring, piece leaving The Inertia to lead the campaign.

Making good on his promise, the Zach Weisberg-fronted soft space days ago released a photograph of a San Francisco secret spot certainly thrilling regional Thai funboard enthusiasts.

But have you surfed ________ before?

Did the usually grumpy locals treat you kindly?

How will they treat Ben Gravy when he follows The Inertia’s easy to follow map to YouTube glory?

Many questions.


Surf champ Kelly Slater (center) experiencing overcrowding. A Hague judge (insert) there to help.

Home to International Court of Justice sets radical “if you don’t live here, don’t surf here” precedent!

Locals only.

You, here, are an educated bunch, well-read etc., and so there is no doubt that you are aware of The Hague and its place in our world. The northern Dutch city, home to roughly half a million souls, is the seat of the International Court of Justice where war criminals of smaller nations or gross human rights abusers of equally smaller nations are tried in abstentia, convicted and told to feel very bad about their actions whilst eating caviar in their capitals.

The architecture is beautiful, Bauhaus-adjacent, the weather is bleak, touched with grey, and surf is plentiful, albeit of a lower quality.

Well, for surfers who reside in cities, or neighborhoods, around the world with much better surf, a move to The Hague’s Scheveningen beach must now be considered for in a heavy slam against vals, blow-ins, commuters, a first-of-its-kind “if you don’t live here, don’t surf here” law has been passed.

Beginning immediately, it will cost a whole fifty Euro to park a vehicle on the street, be it for a minute or an hour or six hours.

Jurriaan Esser, a spokesperson for the city council, told The Guardian, “We want the primary way of transportation to be your legs, and then the bicycle, public transport, and, last, cars,” he said. “That doesn’t mean we don’t allow cars in our city: it means that if you have a short distance to travel, your primary way of transportation should be your legs. It benefits not only the environment but also travel times.”

But also also surfers who live a walk away from the shore and can carry their boards under their arms. And imagine if these sorts of rules were passed in, say, San Clemente, California or Coolangatta, Australia or Sebastian Inlet, Florida. Lineup crowds would, no doubt, be slashed.

Peace and prosperity.

A car in every garage and a wave under every surfer who lives a few blocks away’s feet.

Not all are in favor of the move. Fleur Kruyt, the owner of the Van Kleef distillery, told broadcaster Omroep West she was not keen on the scheme. “This will not make business any easier,” she said. “A lot of buildings here are empty, and if you set a minimum of €50 to get to a shop, I just don’t understand it.”

Though what is more important, business or uncrowded waves?

I think we all know the answer.


“Super cool, super fit” Mark Zuckerberg completes pivot to combat sports, winning jiujitsu contest only months after dumping surfing BFF Kai Lenny! “This nerd is a silent killer!”

"You'd never expect these guys to be able to take you down. Next thing you know, they're attacking you with these extremely technical moves."

The combat sports world is euphoric following Mark Zuckerberg’s domination of a jiujitsu contest where the Facebook founder and part-owner of Instagram won gold and silver medals competing in the Gi and non-Gi divisions. 

Alongside stirring images from his day of glory, which included submissions via two of the sports most vicious movies, the carotid artery squashing guillotine and shoulder snapping Kimura,

Zuck wrote:

Competed in my first jiu jitsu tournament and won some medals 🥇🥈 for the Guerrilla Jiu Jitsu team. Thanks to @davecamarillo @khaiwu @intense0ne for training me!

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Mark Zuckerberg (@zuck)

 

A who’s who of the fight world were quick to dive into Zuck’s comments, including UFC champs Brandon Moreno, Alex Volkanovski and Izzy Adesanya, although the fight itself seemed to flush Zuckerberg, shot five revealing the outline of a circumcised head of unusual weight and with a perfect bevelled rim. The gorgeous organ stands stiffly and straightly out with a slight flare upwards.

You’ll remember eight months ago when the seemingly unshakable friendship between big-waver Kai Lenny and Zuckerberg appears to flounder after Lenny’s former tow-buddy shared a video of himself training MMA with UFC debutante Kha “The Shadow” Wu, even calling it “the best sport.”

“From the very first session that I did, like five minutes in, I was like, ‘Where has this been my whole life?’ All right. My mom made me do three varsity sports and my life took a wrong turn when I chose to do fencing competitively instead of wrestling in high school or something…

“There’s just something that’s so primal about it,” Zuck told Joe Rogan. “Since then, I’ve just introduced a bunch of my friends to it. That’s been really fun, because now it’s like we train together and wrestle together. There’s a certain intensity to it that I like. Maybe there’s this cultural thing where a lot of people haven’t considered it. I’ve had 100 percent hit rate of introducing friends to it and converting them to people who now train. Every single person who I’ve shown it to is like, ‘This is amazing. This is obviously how I should be training and working out.’”

His trainer Koa Wu said “You’d never expect these guys to be able to take you down. Next thing you know, they’re attacking you with these extremely technical moves. You don’t know this nerd is a silent killer.” 

Now, with the pivot to combat sports complete the reader is left to burden himself with the crestfallen Kai Lenny who must be reconsidering his comments from a Wired interview where he described his former BFF as “super cool, super into water sport, really active. Super fit. Like … strong, strong strong. Physically strong.”