Surf champ Kelly Slater (center) experiencing overcrowding. A Hague judge (insert) there to help.
Surf champ Kelly Slater (center) experiencing overcrowding. A Hague judge (insert) there to help.

Home to International Court of Justice sets radical “if you don’t live here, don’t surf here” precedent!

Locals only.

You, here, are an educated bunch, well-read etc., and so there is no doubt that you are aware of The Hague and its place in our world. The northern Dutch city, home to roughly half a million souls, is the seat of the International Court of Justice where war criminals of smaller nations or gross human rights abusers of equally smaller nations are tried in abstentia, convicted and told to feel very bad about their actions whilst eating caviar in their capitals.

The architecture is beautiful, Bauhaus-adjacent, the weather is bleak, touched with grey, and surf is plentiful, albeit of a lower quality.

Well, for surfers who reside in cities, or neighborhoods, around the world with much better surf, a move to The Hague’s Scheveningen beach must now be considered for in a heavy slam against vals, blow-ins, commuters, a first-of-its-kind “if you don’t live here, don’t surf here” law has been passed.

Beginning immediately, it will cost a whole fifty Euro to park a vehicle on the street, be it for a minute or an hour or six hours.

Jurriaan Esser, a spokesperson for the city council, told The Guardian, “We want the primary way of transportation to be your legs, and then the bicycle, public transport, and, last, cars,” he said. “That doesn’t mean we don’t allow cars in our city: it means that if you have a short distance to travel, your primary way of transportation should be your legs. It benefits not only the environment but also travel times.”

But also also surfers who live a walk away from the shore and can carry their boards under their arms. And imagine if these sorts of rules were passed in, say, San Clemente, California or Coolangatta, Australia or Sebastian Inlet, Florida. Lineup crowds would, no doubt, be slashed.

Peace and prosperity.

A car in every garage and a wave under every surfer who lives a few blocks away’s feet.

Not all are in favor of the move. Fleur Kruyt, the owner of the Van Kleef distillery, told broadcaster Omroep West she was not keen on the scheme. “This will not make business any easier,” she said. “A lot of buildings here are empty, and if you set a minimum of €50 to get to a shop, I just don’t understand it.”

Though what is more important, business or uncrowded waves?

I think we all know the answer.

“Super cool, super fit” Mark Zuckerberg completes pivot to combat sports, winning jiujitsu contest only months after dumping surfing BFF Kai Lenny! “This nerd is a silent killer!”

"You'd never expect these guys to be able to take you down. Next thing you know, they're attacking you with these extremely technical moves."

The combat sports world is euphoric following Mark Zuckerberg’s domination of a jiujitsu contest where the Facebook founder and part-owner of Instagram won gold and silver medals competing in the Gi and non-Gi divisions. 

Alongside stirring images from his day of glory, which included submissions via two of the sports most vicious movies, the carotid artery squashing guillotine and shoulder snapping Kimura,

Zuck wrote:

Competed in my first jiu jitsu tournament and won some medals 🥇🥈 for the Guerrilla Jiu Jitsu team. Thanks to @davecamarillo @khaiwu @intense0ne for training me!


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A post shared by Mark Zuckerberg (@zuck)


A who’s who of the fight world were quick to dive into Zuck’s comments, including UFC champs Brandon Moreno, Alex Volkanovski and Izzy Adesanya, although the fight itself seemed to flush Zuckerberg, shot five revealing the outline of a circumcised head of unusual weight and with a perfect bevelled rim. The gorgeous organ stands stiffly and straightly out with a slight flare upwards.

You’ll remember eight months ago when the seemingly unshakable friendship between big-waver Kai Lenny and Zuckerberg appears to flounder after Lenny’s former tow-buddy shared a video of himself training MMA with UFC debutante Kha “The Shadow” Wu, even calling it “the best sport.”

“From the very first session that I did, like five minutes in, I was like, ‘Where has this been my whole life?’ All right. My mom made me do three varsity sports and my life took a wrong turn when I chose to do fencing competitively instead of wrestling in high school or something…

“There’s just something that’s so primal about it,” Zuck told Joe Rogan. “Since then, I’ve just introduced a bunch of my friends to it. That’s been really fun, because now it’s like we train together and wrestle together. There’s a certain intensity to it that I like. Maybe there’s this cultural thing where a lot of people haven’t considered it. I’ve had 100 percent hit rate of introducing friends to it and converting them to people who now train. Every single person who I’ve shown it to is like, ‘This is amazing. This is obviously how I should be training and working out.’”

His trainer Koa Wu said “You’d never expect these guys to be able to take you down. Next thing you know, they’re attacking you with these extremely technical moves. You don’t know this nerd is a silent killer.” 

Now, with the pivot to combat sports complete the reader is left to burden himself with the crestfallen Kai Lenny who must be reconsidering his comments from a Wired interview where he described his former BFF as “super cool, super into water sport, really active. Super fit. Like … strong, strong strong. Physically strong.”

Once-proud Surfer Magazine outs itself as “bastion of kook” after mangling surf jargon in post about seasonal lovemaking at Snapper!

Localism enforced!

Surfer Magazine’s corpse, exhumed months ago and poked back to life with a dirty stick, has been off to a stumbling start. There was the initial hiring of Emily Morgan as the “trending news” correspondent. She resided in a small town nestled at the foothills of the Smoky Mountains in East Tennessee, was also a proud owner of a Pyrnesse-mix, which just so happened to be her her hiking partner every time she hit a trail and enjoyed strong coffee, spicy food, and live music.

And while the match might have seemed perfect, covering a largely coastal pastime from hiking trails in the middle of America, Morgan was quickly and quietly let go only to be replaced by a team of writers who churn out such kooky nonsense that it makes Tom Sandoval versus Gerry Lopez feel legitimate and core.

Take this latest offering.

In a post about seasonal violence at Snapper, the “Bible of the Sport” declared, “Localism Enforced During Pumping Surf at Snapper Rocks.”

Localism enforced?

Localism enforced?

What sort of ChatGPT is that?

I’ve never, not once, read about localism being “enforced” in all my days. The title could have read “Localism rears its bloody head…” or “Savagery consumes…” or “World’s Greatest surfer Kelly Slater sparks melee…”

I’m assuming Slater is there because he is surfing in the Gold Coast Pro, no? I can’t seem to find the heat draw.

Well, in any case, none of that happens anyhow. The video proof of “localism” being “enforced” is simply a montage of some goof in a springer repeatedly dropping in and mangling the wave.


Kill her goats! A wild new slasher film totally crowdfunded! | Photo: Kill Her Goats

Aussie surfer imprisoned in Sumatra following “violent rampage” set to be saved from Shariah lash by ritual goat slaughter, “They are fetid and dim-witted!”

"It was very hot that day. Perhaps he was drunk and depressed due to missing the flight and dehydrated."

Last week, Derek wrote about the arrest of a Noosa man in Sumatra after a so-called “rampage of violence.” He is now awaiting trial, spending his days avoiding wet-towel snaps and other silly things caged men do.

Yesterday, Mr Rielly shared with me a peculiar twist in the case. 

A goat, he said, must be slaughtered to make amends for the young man’s crimes.

When one typically breaks the law, one moves into a smaller house, pays a fine, etc. Rarely is animal sacrifice a condition for reparations. 

Curious, I dig.

Bodhi Mani Risby-Jones, 23, visiting Simeulue, an island on the Northern tip of Sumatra, is being held on multiple counts of assault, all while allegedly drunk and naked— on par, a spritely combination, but not always. 

His defense? Sunstroke from surfing.

According to the police chief Senior Commissioner, Risby-Jones— sans shirt, sandals, or  Beachgrit boardies— cracked a Moon Beach Resort security guard in the neck, ran onto the street, pulling multiple riders from their motorcycles before attacking a fisherman on the beach where Bodhi was knocked around pretty good before subdued by a group of locals who then tried to burn down the resort in retaliation.

Talk about Surf Fever, huh?

He was likely out at Jackals before hell broke loose; it’s a smooth point break with a drowsy right and smoking low-tide barreling left. Either way, nothing to get violent over.  

The penalties for his crimes include up to five years in prison and 40 lashes with a cane. Seems fitting, no?  Spare the rod, spoil the child, they say.

Yet the cell time and flogging is not enough for the community to feel at peace.  The ultra-conservative Province of Aceh adheres to the Sharia Law policies and procedures manual. 

According to village chief Suhardi Fleno, the hotel in which Risby-Jones stayed, the Moon Beach Resort, is equally to blame and must restore balance to the community.

“Besides restorative justice I’d like to explain that we have a tradition here which we will do,” he said. “It is called peusijuek, meaning we must have peace with the party that we have a problem with to prevent the same problem from recurring. It’s between the village and the resort. We don’t care if Bodhi gives the money to the resort [for the goat]. But we do care about the resort and our village. Bodhi is just a guest at the resort and the guests can come and go. We must slaughter a goat.”

Seemingly more concerned about the animal sacrifice than punishment for the offender, Fleno seemed to sympathize with Risby-Jones.

“I think he was depressed and dehydrated,” he said. “He should have [flown] out of Simeulue [earlier in the day] but then he missed the flight. He told us he surfed all day that day. Perhaps when coming back to his inn, he had a drink just to relax a bit after surfing all the day. It was very hot that day. Perhaps he was drunk and depressed due to missing the flight and dehydrated, it all led him to acting like that.”

It’s nice there is an understanding of the boy’s missteps. But as the Lorax spoke for the trees, permit me to have a word on behalf of the goat.

I spent years working a coastal farm. As scrub grew along the cliffs above the water, we used goats to bush hog. The wire-furred, devil-horned beasts butt and bit with spite. They’d loop around every tree making spider webs of their 100-foot leashes to be untangled a couple times a day. They are fetid and dim witted. 

But, boy could they cut down brush.

I sure hope that goat about to be cut up in Simeulue fills the village belly. 

Sandoval (left) and his inspiration (insert). Photo: Instagram
Sandoval (left) and his inspiration (insert). Photo: Instagram

Disgraced reality television star Tom Sandoval continues appropriating surf legend Gerry Lopez as he attempts to rehabilitate severely damaged image!

Sinners gonna sin.

Surf legend Gerry Lopez being caught up in the most discussed Hollywood cheating scandal of the decade continues to be the surprise of the year. But who, here, had ever heard of the show Vanderpump Rules or its stars Tom Sandoval, Ariana Madix or Raquel Leviss? Certainly not me but then, without warning, there they all were in our lives, hammering us daily with their tale of Tom dating Ariana for many years and maybe also wanting to marry her while having a sexual relationship with Raquel on the side even though the friend group agreed that no one could see anyone else or some such.

The three, independently, have been on talkshows, podcasts, radio programs to discuss and/or be discussed with no end in sight.

Enter Mr. Pipeline.

Apparently, Tom and Raquel used Lopez’s iconic lightning bolt surfboard symbol as their secret sign to each other. Lopez, who has lived in Bend, Oregon for decades now, certainly did not grant the illicit pair usage rights but sinners gonna sin.

Anyhow, Tom has said that he isn’t seeing Raquel anymore and went to a wellness facility in Arizona but then the staffers there said he was there on social media and it made him angry. Raquel is alleged to have gone to a wellness facility in California while he then went to Coachella but are furtive messages still being broadcast?

At a recent concert in Long Island, Tom, who fronts the cover band Tom Sandoval and the Most Extras, was seen wearing a tailored jacket with two iconic lightning bolt surfboard symbols absolutely dominating the front panels.


Will Raquel fall, once again, for her bad boy?

Mrs. Pipeline?

Please stay tuned.