"Has Kelly faked an injury yet or will she show up for a change?"
Kelly Slater’s millions of fans and followers were distressed, though not surprised, when the 11-time world champ revealed he was desperately ill, listing a distressing litany of symptoms on his Instagram account yesterday and just prior to the start of the Vivo Rio Pro.
“When my sickness started the other day. On day 5 of being sick now. Fevers, sinus, chills, headache, stomach flu, etc. Glad I made it home amidst the onslaught.”
As amateur virologist Chas Smith posited from New York earlier today, “The long list of debilitating symptoms might suggest the greatest athlete of all-time is suffering from spinal meningitis, pneumonia, malaria or a stroke. The global surfing community, while devastated that Slater likely will be unable to travel to Brazil, is more concerned about him lasting another five days thus the candles and thoughts.”
Now, online sleuths have revealed the surfing great, who is fifty-one, hasn’t competed in Brazil since 2015 when he banked a thirteenth place following a shock loss to the unfancied Australian Matt Banting, cataloguing a long list of debilitating injuries and illnesses as well as the Champ’s fear of pollution and the Zika virus.
Hell hath no fury like a surf fan, of course, and many were quick to light up the WSL’s Instagram account.
“Has Kelly faked an injury yet or will she show up for a change?” wrote one prophet prior to Smith’s diagnosis of the potentially deadly spinal meningitis.
“Sorry, not gonna jump into this clickbait,” wrote the quick-fingered Champ, adding “Hasn’t Jamie O humped a turtle today or anything?”