"Has Kelly faked an injury yet or will she show up for a change?"
Kelly Slater’s millions of fans and followers were distressed, though not surprised, when the 11-time world champ revealed he was desperately ill, listing a distressing litany of symptoms on his Instagram account yesterday and just prior to the start of the Vivo Rio Pro.
“When my sickness started the other day. On day 5 of being sick now. Fevers, sinus, chills, headache, stomach flu, etc. Glad I made it home amidst the onslaught.”
As amateur virologist Chas Smith posited from New York earlier today, “The long list of debilitating symptoms might suggest the greatest athlete of all-time is suffering from spinal meningitis, pneumonia, malaria or a stroke. The global surfing community, while devastated that Slater likely will be unable to travel to Brazil, is more concerned about him lasting another five days thus the candles and thoughts.”
Now, online sleuths have revealed the surfing great, who is fifty-one, hasn’t competed in Brazil since 2015 when he banked a thirteenth place following a shock loss to the unfancied Australian Matt Banting, cataloguing a long list of debilitating injuries and illnesses as well as the Champ’s fear of pollution and the Zika virus.
Hell hath no fury like a surf fan, of course, and many were quick to light up the WSL’s Instagram account.
“Has Kelly faked an injury yet or will she show up for a change?” wrote one prophet prior to Smith’s diagnosis of the potentially deadly spinal meningitis.
“Sorry, not gonna jump into this clickbait,” wrote the quick-fingered Champ, adding “Hasn’t Jamie O humped a turtle today or anything?”
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I’m pretty sure he has a raging case of oral venereal warts from mouth to anus.
HEa-vyyyyy.
Sounds like Dipsy-doodle-itis
All that stuff is really interesting. You can always take some classes when you retire.
I think what the teacher was trying to teach us is that so called “civilized” European cultures can be much more barbaric and primitive than Eskimo or Amazon tribes etc.
Thanks for the good thoughts. I appreciate it.
I took cultural anthropology in school and we studied Eugenics for two weeks and the Nazi ideology for two weeks, along with natives of Borneo and Amazon rainforest tribes. Great class .
Another victim of the OB paddle
Vai a Brasil, Jen See. E radical. And see you at Solstice Parade? I’ll be wearing a sparkly Brazilian sunga. Come say, “Hi.”
I’m sorry, but I was born a Slater hater.
I didn’t choose this life, I was just born that way.
Kelly Slater has zero importance to me, surfing wise.
Andy was my guy!
I missed the whole Slater thing.
Everything slayer does these days seems is annoying and out of touch. Kelly is just one big lie. Andy was honesty.
The faster Kelly disappears, the better.
Maybe he should just returned to his home, his original beach, where he was born… The way turtles do.
I like turtles
“The faster Kelly disappears, the better.”
If only… but a girl can dream I guess.
it’s ok to be vulnerable
Thanks Jen.
I think he’s suffering COVID-long…….it took a long time for his vaccination last year to finally make him sick of….??????
irony strikes again.
wonder if Kell has reached out to Dr Joe Rogan yet for a diagnosis?
Can Pauly do one of his patented visual mash-ups of a “surf fan” please? I can’t wait.
Mash up not needed
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Nothing more classy and stylish than the sports coat, jeans and sneaker look. If only it was the late 90s….when pro surfing was more interesting. I still contend that a Wardo and Bobby M broadcasting team would make the WSL profitable.
Thanks brother!
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I know the word has fallen out of common parlance in the last two decades… but what a faggot.
That’s a ‘Surf Fanny’.
A Jew, a Catholic, a black person and Erik Logan all board a deep sea submersible……too soon?
At least wait a couple more hours for their oxygen to run out.
I can’t help myself. This will be the BEST true horror film ever made. Guarantee there’s already screenwriters and studios working on it.
So ironic. Sightseeing to the titanic turns into a tragedy
can you imagine? fuck
News said it costs $250,000 per person to go on the tour. Dead billionaires
how’d your x rays go… you good?
MRI torn rotator cuff
sorry bro, you’ve had some bad health luck.
ready by November? heard it was good in your hood on a random saturday last week.
Not sure how long it’s gonna take. Gotta try physical therapy for a long time. If that doesn’t work surgery. Thanks for asking
Best of luck man. An injury like this can really test you, loss of identity and lack of exercise etc. I had a mystery shoulder/neck injury for two years and it only righted itself after falling off a bike pissed in France. Eat well and breathe really well too. Get into the Hof. It sounds crazy but think your way to better health! Xox
Thanks. I need some positivity right now.
Lucy Pinder…
You’re most welcome, we’re a bunch of fuckwit’s here but we are our fuckwit’s xox
best of luck, man.
Thanks, appreciate it
Full tear or partial? You can rehab a partial tear but a full tear will require surgery. Tore my supraspaneous 10 or so years ago. Surgery was easy, minimal pain after. Full recovery was around 8 months. The PT can be frustrating and boring but it’s the most important part so don’t half ass it, especially your range of motion
Fifty percent tear of the infraspinatous and Supraspinatous. Glad to hear your surgery worked out.
good luck – my 80 yr old mum recovered pretty well from shoulder surgery – about the same level tears – she is contemplating doing other side!!! So if she can – you can do it!!! best wishes
Mental!Great to hear success stories like that. Thanks!!
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I’ll just leave this here…
When you gotta go… You gotta go… #Deadlines
got thru the first 5 minutes of “The Act of Killing…”
Didn’t think it was your type of movie.
film noir. who are the bad guys as commie fascist is so widely used? but when they said kill farmers, dissenters, intellectuals…and military coup…frightenin’
Very disturbing documentary about mass killings in the sixties. I’m a student of history and am interested in the evil that humans can start to normalize.
Nazi germany is another example that makes you wonder how a society can become like that.
ThIn fact that they mass murderers are considered heroes is the most disturbing part
Blues…and all blues brothers…
Are making nasty progress…
And rapidly through the days…
Then the emotions and military were sent in…
To NEW ORLEAN’s…
The Mardi Gras’ parade will go forward and on schedule…
Titanic 2
Rich People 0
She’s a real cunt down there…
that cunt.
I’m no epidemiologist but I think this is called “pulling a sickie”!
Lots of people pull a sickie at pride events
wslverment flu
I like turtles..
So do I , lightly fried with a tossed green salad
Soft-shell…
scrambled eggs
Sounds like covid. Reciprocal bone broth in order. Thoughts and prayers that he’s fighting fit for jbay and teh-a-cho-a-poh-oooooo-o. Da GOATTTTT!
There’s only one problem with Brazil, it’s full of Brazzo’s
Have you been there? It’s game-changing and I got pumping waves. The problem you cite is actually an absolute blessing to humanity as a whole. They’re actually a fun bunch. Of course the country’s charms doesn’t translate when a few produce impassioned death threats, but nevertheless I’d venture to say all surfers of this era ought visit the nation of modern day surf champs.
Only place ive ever been bashed. Its an amazing country but life is cheap.
There’s fucking brazillions of em!