Shock reason for surf instructor Sarah Brady’s brutal public execution of former boyfriend Jonah Hill revealed in lost text message!

The most ancient of blood feuds.

The collected works of Sarah H. Brady, surf instructor, environmental advocate, law student and spurned ex-girlfriend of Jonah Hill will, someday, be gathered together, bound and deposited into the research library of a prestigious institute of higher learning. All the private text messages made public. Each silo’d pat on the back. And then, scholars and professors, alike, will be able to sift through the thousands upon thousands of words, images, memes and uncover a clear snapshot of the collapse of humanity.

A question will haunt their work, though.

Why?

Why, after months upon months of the breakup did Brady publicly execute the man she once claimed to love?

She, of course, has given many conflicting reasons. That she wants Kauai locals to burn him at Andy Iron’s favorite waves, that his turn as an advocate for mental health was off-putting, that she wanted to empower others who have been ruthlessly abused by maybe oversensitive exes.

The truth, though, lies in a subtle text included in one of Brady’s Instagram stories from four or five days ago. It was lost, of course, in a sandwich of salaciousness and so social detectives disregarded it, initially, but a studious surf journalist, leaving no stone unturned, has picked it like a gleaming needle from a haystack.

A conversation between Brady and a friend.

“Oof been there… why do we dim our selves for mid men???”

And there we have it.

Hill, as you know, began his surf journey on long and comfortable soft tops. He then evolved into long foam and fiberglass surfboards before continuing his journey to the popular mid-length.

Brady, though, is a longboard purist only riding boards 9 feet and longer.

Hill’s exploration, which will clearly end with a high-performance thruster, clearly infuriated Brady and was, likely, smoldering all this time before exploding.

The eternal battle between long and short.

A rubicon that shall never be crossed.