An entire system called "life" invented to torture the beleaguered Australian.
No surfer walking the face of the earth, past, present or future, has ever suffered like Tyler Wright. From her father forcing her to learn how to ride warm water waves to sponsor Rip Curl paying her millions of dollars to twin world championships then marriage to her beloved wife, the 29-year-old has had it bad.
Wright, who properly came out as gay to much fanfare in 2020 when she decided to sport the famous pride flag on her singlet, declared at the time, “I don’t want to say I was hiding before, but now I am encouraged enough to lean into who I am. I’m not scared to say, ‘Look, this is what I stand for.’ I want to show others that surfing can be a welcoming space for LGBTQ+ athletes.”
Just prior, she had endured debilitating chronic fatigue.
Just after, sapping menstrual cramps.
All in all a string of rottenness no class, from Russian serfs to African slaves, has had to brave.
The worst of all indignities, though, was just ladled upon her bowed crown.
A stripping of the 2023 World Surf League championship tour title. Rightfully hers before a purposefully marginalizing change in format.
Common knowledge had it that the trophy would have been Carissa Moore’s without the manufactured introduction of “Finals Day” wherein the year’s results are thrown out and Lower Trestles becomes the biggest test on earth. The Hawaiian gold medalist was robbed last year when Steph Gilmore stormed from fifth to first. Then, she had enough points at season’s end to win without even competing if normalcy was allowed.
This year, it was assumed she was first as well, as she came in wearing yellow.
Wright, for her part, was second wearing… to be honest, I can’t remember. Green?
Alas, it was a mirage.
An eagle-eye’d surf fan wrote in with the truth, just hours ago, sharing via Instagram:
Hi Chas, I can’t get on your BeachGrit comments section so would just like to have a say here about the Carissa Moore scenario and the one day WSL Final fiasco. I agree that last year Carissa had an unassailable lead going into the finals day. So yes, Title #6. But she was overrun by Gilmore and Gilmore gained her 7th Title leaving Moore on 5.
2023 a bit different. Applying the ‘old system’ of best 8 results from 10 events it adds up that Tyler Wright (with 59,455 pts) would have taken the 2023 crown, Carissa 2nd ( 57,745) and Caroline 3rd.
Therefore using the old system , Steph and Layne with 7 titles each, Carissa has 6 and Tyler up one to 3.
Using the new format, Steph 8, Layne 7, Carissa 5 and Caroline 1.
I wish people would look a bit deeper into the numbers and compare.
There we have it.
An entire system called “life” invented to torture poor Tyler Wright.
Sad.
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Nah my story is only half as good as that one!
lel, tyler.
Poor Tyler.
If she were not so oppressed by the system, she might have had a chance to pour coffee on the Gold Coast somewhere, or whatever else you can do in Oz when you end your schooling at 17 to go surfing full time. Then she could have gotten 5 roommates and lived in a sketchy apartment for $6000/month, praying that the Fire Marshal won’t show up and condemn the place, just to be close to the surf.
You know, like us regular surfers, and goofy surfers, too, do.
But no, the world is hardly that kind to poor Tyler.
And just days ago, she lost her job as a personnel manager and scout for the Edmonton Oilers. They would have fired her sooner, but they don’t read Beach Grit in Edmonton, so they just found out she was gay. That’s why they fired her.
That dude just can’t win a title for nuffin. Have a HamSammish.
To be fair It was 8 weeks between Jbay and Trestles.
Not enough time to practice, I guess.
That’s like, two menstrual cycles
Spot on
“I wish people would look a bit deeper into the numbers and compare.”
I wish people would just stfu
“Life moves pretty fast and if you don’t stop…”
Caroline Marks threw buckets of spray at Tyler’s face during their heat, it was a thing of beauty missed by the booth and commentators alike..
Haha, good one Marxy.
Yeah that was a highlight for me.
I noticed
Reid Oliver used to spray us grommets in the face just like that , trying to slash you with the fins pure contempt
Awesome
Gecko Surfboards
Before meth got him
That sucks. Steals your soul that shit. Seen it plenty. Had a nice 7’1″ Gecko until it snapped at a hollow beachie in the SW.
To be fair, have you tried life? It’s fucken brutal.
Thats true, even just this morn i got to the super exy italian bakery looking forward to a baguette with scramble egg, prosciuto and chives, they were sold out.
I coulda crumbled
The scrambled eggs would squish straight out of that thing with every bite, surely.
A little bit comes out the end and falls in the paper bag.
Its ten bucks and its incredible!!!
Thoughts and prayers cunt xox
You’re just freshly married right? Wait till Wifey shags your Uncle.
What do you mean wait?
Why do morons marry?
Real morons have children.
Because on balance
If they are on taking terms
Their IQ doubles
Is that like Hawaiian ‘Uncle’ or your actual Uncle?
What level are you up to?
Admittedly, sometimes I put it in Easy Mode.
Keep looking for somewhere to type IDDQD and enter god mode but can’t find the fucking keypad.
Kids, if you liked “school” you’re going to love “work!”
Once she goes thru IVF then gets an abortion her journey will be complete.
I’ve read some shit but this shocked me. Not necessarily in a bad way, I don’t know.
Well she aint gettin knocked up by her Mrs, mnx, whateva.
I think you’ll find it’s miscarriage.
Haha, yes!!
I get it,
Miss Carriage.
No wonder she is so angry!
Tyler should start her own tour, just her and that trans longboarded competing against each other, with no pay.
It’s all just a bloody mess, period!
Tyler “Woe Is Me” Wright
I do have one bit of empathy for her–being born into the Wright Cult. There’s plainly something very off about their clan, and I’m willing to attribute some (not all) of her obvious clinical narcissism to her bloodlines.
When finishing a remodel I always make sure to point out when someone comes out of the closet. I usually wait for the trade that has annoyed me the most.
Fuck yes xox
After reading this I feel Tyler’s pain
“Hi Chas, I can’t get on your BeachGrit comments section…”
Cripes Chas, that’s another punters worth of advertising dollars you ‘n’ Dezz are missing out on.
(probably due to the well-known faults of BG’s relationship with Disqus)
P.S.
Though surely someone who can research such sensitive woozl information could’ve put in a bit more effort.
Who is this anonymous “eagle-eye’d surf fan” anyway ?
He seems to know the sort of things ELo would know…
Lucky for us the wonders of “googled” weirdness has lent a bit of insight into possible medical afflictions Tyler Wright may also soon suffer from. Yep. That’s right.
She may get:
1.) Jumping Frenchmen of Maine
This condition is named after a group of French-Canadian lumberjacks who worked in Northern Maine in the 1870s. Also known as hyperekplexia, it involves an extreme reaction to stimuli that causes uncontrollable jumps and startle-induced falls.
or,
2.) Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
This neurological syndrome, also called Todd’s Syndrome, usually presents migraines that distort perception of size and distance. Episodes, which can last up to an hour, involve seeing objects or people as very big, very small, or further away than they actually are. Patients can also experience hallucinations, as well as an inaccurate sense of time passing very slowly or quickly.
or, DR’s best hope,
Jerusalem Syndrome
It occurs when a visit to the Holy Land triggers obsessive ideas about religion and even messianic delusions. The condition can affect anyone, regardless of religion. Symptoms may include compulsive cleaning and grooming, wearing white robes, and sermonizing.
I’m really hoping she gets all afflicted with Jumping Frenchmen of Maine. Don’t tell me that wouldn’t be hilarious. Plus, I think Pat O’Connell suffers from that medical condition. C’mon, we’ve all seen Endless Summer II. Look at that little lumberjack go
what about “the itis” ?
I’m no “the itis” doctor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn last night, so I sofa king convinced it’s all syndromes nowadays. Now you prepare that Fetzer valve with some 3-in-1 oil and some gauze pads, and I’m gonna need ’bout ten quarts of anti-freeze, preferably Prestone. No, no make that Quaker State.
2.) Alice in Wonderland Syndrome
oh shit! i legit had this one!! never knew it had a name… just thought i had fused some wires in the dash. I used to hear whispers with it. thats classic.
another fucked thing to pop on the list.
Here for the shits and giggles, and maybe a diagnosis a time or two.
well played. just having a read and it’s exactly what i used to get as a grom and every now and again as an adult. as crazy as it was, i never used to be freaked out by it.
Mr.
Todd’sToad’s Wild RideQuite an acid ride
a spot of tea?
no drugs then. was only a hair above the height requirement…aged 4. thx, Walt. groomed for a life of doom. next ride? Small World. that SONG!
Pretzel logic
Great album
’cause I’m dying to be a star and make them laugh, sound just like a record on a phonograph…those daze are gone forever…
I would love to meet Napoleon…if I could only find the time…