Tears in Slater camp as Fanning tells reporter, "Are you kidding me? (Nathan Cleary's) the greatest athlete on earth. Seriously. I swear to god, he’s the greatest athlete on earth!"

Tears for Kelly Slater after “utterly smashed” Mick Fanning makes pointed claim in wild post-grand final TV interview!

“Mick Fanning being interviewed after I assume 40 beers was the icing on the cake.”

If you’re an Australian living on its eastern mainland flank, but not including Victoria, you’ll be aware there was a rugby league grand final last night and that a team called Penrith, which is a little town at the foot of the Blue Mountains, won a tremendously exciting match. 

And, the three-time world champ Michael Eugene Fanning, who was born in Penrith in 1981 before moving to Tweed Heads in 1993, was in the thick of the celebrations, looking very much like a pink-faced cherub amid the sweating brown bodies. 

Following the game, Fanning, forty-two and very much nourished by the win, was interviewed by a television reporter and gave a performance that has been unanimously praised by football fans on social media. 


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“Mick Fanning ain’t driving the Panthers bus tonight.” 

“I reckon Mick Fanning has had a beer or 20!!”

“Mick Fanning is smashed haha.”

As he strolled through the winning players, Mick responds to questioning with,

“Are you kidding? This is the best thing ever. Oh my god, this is sooo amazingl, like, phew, look at it!”

Tears in Kelly Slater’s camp, however, as Mick, a straight-shooter if ever there was one, tells the reporter that Penrith’s co- captain Nathan Clearly is “the greatest athlete on earth” usurping common opinion, including mine, that Slater is the greatest sportsman of any era and medium.

Not Mick.

“Seriously, I swear to God, (Cleary’s) the greatest athlete on earth,” repeats Mick. “He went absolutely loony.”


Watch here!

Surfing Santas (pictured) turning back on Kelly Slater statue.
Surfing Santas (pictured) turning back on Kelly Slater statue.

Heartbreak in Cocoa Beach as Surfing Santas move beloved celebration from underneath all-seeing eye of Kelly Slater statue to some random park!

Will rebel Surfing Santas arise?

It is now the first day of October and the commencement of the holiday season crackles on the ever cooling (or warming for our Australian brothers and sisters) air. The unmistakable scent of Laird Superfoods Pumpkin Spice non-dairy coffee creamer wafting. Peace and goodwill on the House floor of the U.S. Congress. Surfing Santas dusting off those iconic red costumes, getting ready to paddle out on Christmas Day.

Yes, the yearly tradition in Cocoa Beach, Florida brings much joy to all. As many as 800 Santas now surf for a crowd that has swelled to over 10,000 underneath the all-seeing eye of the town’s Kelly Slater statue.

A perfect marriage of whimsy and pride.

Alas, though, heartbreaking news has just rippled through the entire Space Coast as Surfing Santas event is set to move away from the bronze and beautiful Slater, three miles up the beach to some strip of god-forsaken nothing.

In a stunning announcement, organizers attempted to soft-pedal the tragedy, declaring:

We have EXCITING NEWS! Surfing Santas 2023 will be in a NEW LOCATION! We’ll be surfing and celebrating right down the road at Shepard Park, Cocoa Beach… where 520 meets the ocean. This is a really great change for us for so many reasons, but here are just a few:

-More beachfront and nearby parking… goodbye, stressful traffic jams!
-Less overall congestion than downtown as attendees can arrive directly from north, south and west, and guests in the nearby beachside hotels can walk to the venue.
-Easier access set up for staging and closer media and staff parking and access. (Our amazing volunteers will jump for joy at this one.)
-Actual handicap parking and easy access to the beach.
-Opportunity and room for the possibility of coffee/food trucks to participate.
-A brick and mortar bathroom at the park + more room for portalets than downtown Cocoa Beach.
– Onsite power and water.
-Public gazebos where families or friends can hang out or picnic after the event.
-It is one block from the Florida Surf Museum, which actually hosts the event — this will provide the opportunity for more people to actually visit the museum!
-Lots of local restaurants to serve our Surfing Santas family. (Our friends at Long Doggers are close by and open for lunch!)
-It is still Cocoa Beach! Home sweet home.

We are so stoked for Christmas Eve morning at Shepard Park, and we look forward to this year being our best one yet. See you there!

Can it ever really be Christmas without the Kelly Slater statue? No amount to brick and mortar bathrooms can make up for this.

No word, yet, if purists might stage a rebel Surfing Santas event at the site of its original home.

Here’s hoping for a Christmas miracle.

John John, left, and Matthew McConaughey examine the ride post facto.

Matthew McConaughey clashes with John John Florence at Kelly Slater’s $1000-per wave Surf Ranch!

But blink and you’ll miss!

It’s been three weeks since Matthew McConaughey, star of Surfer, Dude, and The Beach Bum, delivered his spine-tingling world title showdown speech to Griffin Colapinto.

Hey Griff, I want to get your ear before you get all in your head about this world title business. I want to share a perspective that has helped a lot of my dreams come true.

It’s called be less impressed and more involved. You see, when we are just impressed our dreams are nothing but fairytale dust clouds that we bend our neck to see and never grab a-hold of.

But, where we’re involved, we grab a-hold of those clouds. We grab that fairy dust. We look ‘em in the eye and make ‘em a reality.

You see, this moment that you are in, right now, right here, is a classic yin and yang. It’s a balance of make it happen, let it come. The reason…and… the rhyme. The balance of the engineered and the mystical.

And, the hard work and the dedication and the principals and the goals you have committed to, you engineered those. A hundred percent fact! And the mystical, that stuff that sends you a set wave you need with fifteen seconds on the clock in the final heat of the final event. That out-of-body stuff at that precise moment you need an 8.89 to decide the world title and you surf your way to a nine. Yeah! You gotta keep your antenna tuned to that music as well!

Now, look, it is no accident that you are here right now. Hell, you called your shot a long time ago. These heights that you’re on, now this is your new normal. It’s where you belong. On the way to where you are going!

So remember, how you got here, look this moment in the eye, and own it. Cause the roof is a manmade thing, Griff, and…you…have no lid.



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History tells us that not even the fiery words of the Academy Award-winning actor could inspire the San Clementine to unseat world champ Filipe Toledo in the little waves.

Now, Daddy McConaughey, who is fifty-three, has been spotted at the WSL-owned Surf Ranch clashing with two-time world champ John John Florence.

Using the medium of Strider Wasilewski’s Instagram we are privy to McConaughey flexing his goofyfooter bona fides on a soft foam surfboard, handling the wave as smoothly as if he was operating an elevator. One flick of his famous hips and McConaughey floats off the back of the wave. His sex appeal runs out of his pores and oils his skin.

And, here, John John Florence, uses a jetski step-off to claim the wave, the view of his surfing so extraordinary that it is hard to do anything but stare at the screen silently.

Not WSL colour commentator Strider Wasilewski, oft noted for his vicious steroidal tits, of course.

“Bingo Bango Surf Ranch Tango…. Let the good times roll!” says Strider emphatically.



Local knows Local. Photo: 50 First Dates
Local knows Local. Photo: 50 First Dates

Ex-husband of Britney Spears and recent Hawaii transplant Kevin Federline makes bold political statement during surf-adjacent beach stroll!

Local kine only.

Have you ever dreamed of leaving it all behind and absconding to Hawaii? Toes in sand, fresh spam musubi in hand, watching the sun turn the sky the most beautiful watercolor painting ever hung. Yes, the most isolate archipelago on earth has its charm, its allure, and whether the dreamer happens to be a surfer, or merely the ex-husband of Britney Spears, there is something for everyone.

Let us take the case of Kevin Federline, though. Former dancer, father of the aforementioned Spears’ two sons. The 45-year-old just recently packed his family of four up and settled down in the Aloha State. None have been seen until yesterday when Federline and his new wife, former professional volleyball player Victoria Prince, were snapped strolling the beach, seemingly very much in love. She in light blue triangle bikini top and black bottoms.

He in a political statement.

Yes, the just-south-of-fit brunette covered himself in a black t-shirt featuring pink writing reading “Keep Lahaina Lands in Lahaina Hands.”

See here.

But you are certainly aware of the devastating fires that burned Maui’s most historic town all the way to the ground, killing nearly 100. In the aftermath, much rage percolated over interlopers who had come to the Valley Isle, buying up large tracts of land. Famous sorts like Oprah Winfrey. Then abhorrence bubbled over flim-flam prospectors who came in, waving cash under the noses of those who had lost everything, “relieving” the bereaved of their charred properties.

Ugly business.

Thankfully, their wicked desires were exposed and championed by the likes of Federline and I’d imagine former Lahaina residents are resting easier knowing that the one-time model has their backs.

Local kine only.

But what do you feel about people who move somewhere and then instantly take on its flavor? Relocating to Jackson Hole, say, and immediately purchasing a cowboy hat. Or New Smyrna and wearing boxer briefs underneath trunks.

Something to think about.

Closeted during lifetime but Duke was queer underneath hetero-swagger says artificial intelligence.

AI showpiece Chat GPT celebrates father of surfing Duke Kahanamoku as sport’s greatest gay icon!

"The most magnificent human male God ever put on the earth"

Yesterday, while having a little chat with Kanga Cairns about the savages controlling the levers of power and the infallibly of Elon Musk, I got bored by my own voice and started fiddling on my computer asking ChatGPT to “Name some famous gay surfers.” 

It’s a modern parlour game that I enjoy very much and I often post the results on these pages.

Last time, the bio of Greg Noll, one of the first surfers to charge Waimea Bay, had been expanded to include his role as a 2SLGBTQ+ pioneer. 

“Greg Noll, a legendary big wave surfer from the 1960s, is also known for being openly gay. His contributions to the sport and his activism have left a lasting impact on the surfing community.”

Before that, while researching tranny surfers, you know how I like my trannies – those elfin faces, the flashy sexpot outfits – I was informed that Tia Blanco and Keala Kennelly had switched from man to gal. 

One of the most well-known transgender surfers is Keala Kennelly, a professional surfer from Hawaii. Keala came out as a transgender woman in 2018 and has been open about her experiences as a trans woman in the surfing industry. She is a big wave surfer and has won several awards for her surfing skills.

Another notable transgender surfer is Tia Blanco, a professional surfer from Puerto Rico. Tia is a non-binary surfer who has competed in the World Surf League and has won several national and international surfing competitions.

Greg, fruity underneath the he-man persona, Keala, gay, so I understand the mixup, Tia, not so much.

But the Duke?

“While not openly gay during his lifetime due to the social norms of his era, Duke Kahanamoku is a legendary figure in surfing,” says AI. “He is often regarded as the father of modern surfing and was also an Olympic swimmer. He is celebrated for his contributions to both sports.”

Did you know? Or yet another brutal fail by the tech that’s gonna kill us all?