“The three friends I had die right after taking the COVID vaccine? Or the other ones that got Guillaume Barre, Bell’s Palsy, ALS, Myocarditis etc…”

It’s been days, possibly weeks, since Kelly Slater launched a major strike online, his time spent, perhaps, ensuring a smooth launch of the Abu Dhabi tank in his name. 

Kelly Slater, who is fifty-one, ain’t one to back down from an online skirmish, instances too numbers to list or link but his most enduring when he hit back at an historically inaccurate troll.

After much back and forthing and righting of the troll’s historical inaccuracies, Slater delivered his coup de grâce.

“Writing me out of the blue talking shit is such a crock of shit. Accusing me of being a racist? My girlfriend is Chinese. You’re on glue. You’re a miserable coward. And now you’re blocked.”

A few days back, a satirical account called The Betoota Advocate ran the headline, “Circumcised mate presents completely unbacked theory that chicks prefer his type of doodle.”

Yeah, it ain’t funny, but the champ liked it enough to give it his imprimatur and the throwaway line, 

“Unbacked theory? It’s field science,” said Kelly, whose bedroom romps are legend. 

Do you remember the time an Australian woman revealed on a podcast the disastrous text she accidentally sent Kelly Slater, twice, following an intimate shower date? 

A recap on that. 

An Australian women of roughly middle age described meeting Kelly Slater at a bar-restaurant in Jan Juc, near Bells, twenty years ago. He memorised her telephone number after hearing her tell it to someone else, leading to a long-term and, mostly platonic, friendship.

“We’d become super super good friends. We were pen pals, emailing daily. He was on and off with Pamela Anderson, I was helping him through that. And a few of my closest friends, guys and girls, said you gotta seal the deal… my best friend said you’re going to become old and regret you didn’t do it… I promised I’d text her as soon as it happened.”

Anyway, a little while later Slater was in Sydney, the mystery gal in Melbourne.

She flies up.

“Middle of the day. Saturday. We obviously did the do. We were both in the shower and all I could think of was, shit, I have to call my best friend. I literally got out of the shower, wasn’t even dressed, and messaged these exact words. ‘Did it. Had sex. Going to leave now.’”

Despite disaster, she knew she had to inform pal of event.

The text went to Slater again.

“He was in the shower. I was sitting on the front of the bed. He asked me what was wrong, I said, can you please give me your phone? Give it to me!”

The friendship fizzled after the texts were revealed although, “I think he felt he had to prove himself after that. All I can say is he’s very competitive.”

Anyway, at the Betoota there was some lighthearted for and against on the issue of slicing off the skin covering the tip of the penis. 

“The question wasn’t whether you are ok with it or not,” wrote Slater. “The question is which do chicks prefer. We can’t reverse what’s already done but we can advocate for our kind.” 

Lighthearted that is until one fan, @ibhumphries, wrote:

“I’m surprised no one has asked yet; can you please cite some of the science you’re referring to here? Also, why do you trust that science and not the same scientific process and risk/analyses to form clinical recommendations around the safety and efficacy of vaccines? 

And, here, pushed too far, Kelly swipes the issue of mutilating baby cocks aside and, oowee.

“Well which efficacy do you speak of, Humphries? The 3 friends I had die right after taking the COVID vaccine? Or the other ones that got Guillaume Barre, Bell’s Palsy, ALS, Myocarditis etc after getting it? There are literally thousands and thousands of stories like this you’re either in denial or wilfully ignorant to. And if you took half a minute to see who was dying of COVID they weren’t healthy people under 60. And if you’re vaccinated, I’ll say it again, why are you worried about anyone else I trust personal experience along with science, and science is constantly changing…I think it’s pretty obvious at this point which side was right.”

The reply from @ibhumphries,

“I’m genuinely sorry to hear about your friends. The efficacy as a % comparing the number of cases of disease in the vaccinated group vs placebo group. Can you please cite some of the science you’re referring to here? If the science is always changing, why can’t you change your mind on the basis of scientific evidence?” 

Shortly after, he event corrected Slater’s spelling of Guillain Barré. 

(Actually has a hyphen. Both wrong! Guillain-Barré syndrome.)

Than a fusillade of taunts. 

“Still waiting on your to cite some scientific evidence. Whenever you’re ready.”

“Still waiting on your to cite some scientific evidence. Whenever you’re ready.”

Here, Slater wisely exited the melee.

Now, question: you think baby cocks should be cut?