"Who amongst us could hate the announcement of new life?"
Confirmed bachelor and self-described absentee daddy, Kelly Slater, surprised the surf world yesterday when he announced that his Chinese-American girlfriend was heavy with child.
Rumours had been swirling, as the metaphor goes, for months.
“This whole story is related to your favourite surf website BeachGrit,” says Chas Smith in the latest episode of Chas Smith Hates Surfing. “I had heard from a trusted source that they’d seen Kalani Miller out the front of their house hiding a baby bump. This source was uncertain so I asked another trusted source who confirmed the pregnancy.”
But, here, a dilemma.
“This information came to me weeks ago. But what should I do? Publish this happy news? Break open the story? Or should I allow Kelly Slater and Kalani Miller the chance to do it the way they want to do it?
Chas Smith chose the latter.
“I wanted to let them to have the opportunity to announce the pregnancy with hands on belly, a happy song, a joyous pronouncement that there will be one more Kelly Slater in the world.”
What kind of daddy is Kelly Slater going to be?
Hands on, hovering, best pals?
And, you, who are already daddies, what advice do you give to Kelly Slater?
Put your answers and advice in the comments.
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Lisa Anderson dodge, now Ke11y pass, Chas goin Charmin.
Has someone in the Smith household been doing tapestry cushion cover classes? Very tasteful !
I could think of a shit tonne of kids who have done worse than having old KS as a pop,
I think he will be a compulsively critical daddy and point out every little thing she does wrong.
And as she grows older, he will force her to be his debate partner and when she disagrees with him, he will announce with righteous authority: “You’re blocked.” And the moody teen, with beautiful brown eyes, will be puzzled by her draconian dad: “Again????”
I think it will be great in the beginning, but as he realizes she’s getting more attention than he is, the competitive Slater will create emotional distance between them and begin to resent her.
Perhaps he will take her mother and any visitors byt the hand to show them he is a big boy who has done his poopoos in the toilet on the same day she takes her first steps.
Can we do an over/under for KS11 baby articles? We’ve only just begun!
Now what if this kid looks and acts like Pyzel…just sayin’
He no Robert De Niro who apperantly just had a child at the ripe age of 80
Ke11y once again, stealing others day in the spotlight. So on brand!
Better than Bob De Niro. Bob can ring Bob for advice. He is totally fucked though, he’s signed up for working for another 20 years until he can heave the kid off to university (or whatevs) and take responsibility for its own student loans and part time jobs.
It sure seems Chas has you both on a long, slow road to making BG untenable.
Baby crying in background
Kelly- Sorry babe…. Gotta go to work
Kalani- That’s not work
Kelly- Yeah it is. They want me to certify and bless the new chopoo judging tower and make sure the reef is ok.
Kalani- Yeah right there is a swell coming. Plus your not even in the Olympics.
Kelly- Im an embassador
Kalani- You never told me that.
Kelly- Yeah well its new. Just popped up on the radar. Won’t be long I promise.
Kalani- Well maybe we will come with you.
Kelly- whats that?, oh pete’s here to pick me up, late to flight…. I love you too. byeeeeeee
Kalani yelling as truck pulls away
Scene 2: Kalani googling “Lorena bobbitt”
Kalani looks in search history and its all tommy lee and pam videos.
ha, true!
Com might be a father and he might not, but the advice I’d give to Kelly is to have an estate plan in place that isn’t going to make either your adult daughter or Kalani/the new child feel slighted if your ticket gets untimely punched, or they might lawyer up and be at war in probate court for years arguing over the division of the estate.
And don’t make one of the children the executor of the trust. Been in a seven year long war with my sister who became the executor and is not an honest person.
Strange how that happens
She thinks it’s payback time for all her perceived unfairness that happened in the family. My parents paid for her to go to U.C Berkeley, U.C Davis, and Cal Poly, and she constantly complained when our parents did even the slightest thing tobhelp me.
Always had severe jealousy for no reason.
The most parental financial assistance always goes to the least competent, least grateful child.
HBestateplansbycomturren.com — every kid’s inheritance includes a hideous looking converted skim board with weird fins.
The world’s one and only law office that is also a surf shop.
We also have a huge inventory of used boards on consignment in great condition
We’ll sell your late relative’s boards for you! Don’t count on Craigslist, count on Com!
I can see an early retirement in your lucrative future!
My eyes are still burning from Pauly’s last meme
A fifth article should be dropping soon in case anyone missed the first four…
And don’t forget the upcoming podcast where Chas and DLS talk all things Kellani…
You didn’t report ME as being a father of 39 and then again at 43?!?!?
Are you unprofessionalsurferaphobic?!??
You’re fucking CANCELLED CHARLES!!!!
you have 39 kids???
What can I say? I’m a busy guy.
40 now! Channelbottom’s carbon dick print!
Xox
See your 43 and raise you 4
BBQ @ KELLANI’S 2NITE
https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
all the back fat u can eat
BYO purps
Kelly should get Peter King to turn all the Kelly focused BG articles into a kid’s book. Bruce, Koa, and Mason can read them as they’re at the BG reading level, and Kalani can serve the baby beef broth soup. Machado can meanwhile give lessons in high fiving. And Pamela can help with the breast feeding.
Haha and Makua Rothman can temporarily take over epidemiologist responsibilities.
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.
But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.
Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.
First world problems
Thats weak sauce.
Sorry to hear you didn’t like doing the paper round as your first job. At least it spurred you to maximising your artistic potential.
In about 1985 I got offered local paper round. Asshole newsagent offered me half a cent per paper. I mean maybe in 1885 that was fair but fuck that. Needless to say took the job at the fish and chip shop for 3.50 an hour.