Ben Affleck (insert) living his worst nightmare.
Ben Affleck (insert) living his worst nightmare.

Ben Affleck loses wife Jennifer Lopez to adored surfer DJ Paul Fisher after embarrassing himself at Tom Brady roast

Worst night ever?

There are bad evenings and then there is Ben Affleck’s last night. Quite possibly the biggest individual bummer of all time. The whole business began to go off the rails when the Boston actor stepped to the microphone at Tom Brady’s roast. He was immediately called out, by those watching, for odd plastic surgery before he opened his freshly sculpted mouth.

Now, as most know, a roast is an age old affair wherein some rich or famous soul opens his or herself up to ridicule from notable personalities. In Brady’s case, Kevin Hart teed off on his ex-wife Gisele Bündchen, heavily linked to surf great Kelly Slater post split, wound up with her longtime Brazilian jiujitsu instructor.

The mini comedian began speaking about how Brady had left former New England Patriots’ coach Bill Belichick high and dry for fleeing the team some three years back.

“You f–ked him. You f–ked him good,” Hart declared. “You did, Tom, you f–ked your coach, but let me tell you something people … that’s what you’ve got to do to maintain your happiness. You sometimes got to f–k your coach. You know who else f–ked their coach? Gisele. She f–ked that karate man.”

Sizzle, but clearly in the spirit of the game.

Others, like comedian Nikki Glaser, highlighted Brady leaving his then-pregnant girlfriend Bridget Moynahan for the aforementioned Brazilian supermodel.

“But seriously, Tom, you’re the best to ever play for too long,” she offered also forgetting Kelly Slater. “You retired, then you came back and then you retired again, I get it, it’s hard to walk away from something that’s not your pregnant girlfriend it’s tough.”

Burn city.

And back to Affleck. The lightly talented 51-year-old took his time to fire bullets at us, those “behind keyboards,” shooting, “Fans have your back. You guys out there talking s – – t, all right, behind your f – – king keyboard, that doesn’t make you a fan. That makes you a bitch. I can’t think of a more f – – ked up, dysfunctional, horrible working system designed to perpetually make people feel awful,” he continued, referencing the BeachGrit commentariat.

The audience sat stone-faced and he knew he had bombed though that was not his biggest loss for news had leaked, moments earlier, that his famous wife Jennifer Lopez was hooking up with the world’s favorite surfing DJ Paul Fisher for a new track.

Per Broadway World:

Setting the tone for summer 2024, Grammy-nominated DJ and producer FISHER is teaming up with the inimitable Jennifer Lopez on an adaptation of the icon’s 90’s classic ‘Waiting For Tonight’, out May 3rd on his own label Catch & Release.

‘Waiting For Tonight’ offers a modern take on the original Jennifer Lopez classic that became a global phenomenon after its release in 1999. The record broke the Top 10 across multiple Billboard charts, went multi-platinum in 5 countries including the UK, Australia, France and Belgium, and simultaneously earned Lopez her first Grammy nomination.

And there is absolutely zero way that Lopez didn’t swoon, gazing at Fisher’s elan with hungry eyes.

Respect and love for the bumblin’ stumblin’ fumblin’ hubby gone, girl.


While mourning Ben Affleck do you care to snap along to the new tune? Well, here you are.

The burnt out Chevy Colorado of Callum and Jake Robinson, killed in Mexico.
The thieves and alleged killers "approached with the intention of stealing their vehicle and taking the tires and other parts to put them on the older-model pickup they were driving."

Surfers murdered in Baja for the tyres on their Chevy Colorado pickup, say police

The alleged killers "approached with the intention of stealing their vehicle and taking the tires to put them on the older-model pickup they were driving."

It ain’t no secret that life is cheap as hell in Mexico and for all the dancing chihuahuas, lavish resorts in Tulum, the sexy Don Julio soaked nights in Cabo and the authenticity of the tacos prepared on outdoor hot plates on a warm night where dancing and fireworks suggest you’ve landed in a tropical paradise, you’re never too far from a grisly end.

Eight years ago, two Australian surfers, Dean Lucas and Adam Coleman, were killed in mainland Mex, their burnt-out corpses found in their surf van.

And last week the bodies of Western Australian surfer brothers Jake and Callum Robinson, and their San Diego buddy, Jack Carter Rhoad, were found dumped in a fifty-foot well in Baja, California, four miles from where they were shot dead and their tents burned.

The Baja California Prosecutor’s Office has now revealed the reason why the trio were killed with chief state prosecutor María Elena Andrade Ramírez telling press the thieves and alleged killers “approached with the intention of stealing their vehicle and taking the tires and other parts to put them on the older-model pickup they were driving.

“When they (the foreigners) came up and caught them, surely, they resisted. And these people, the assailants, took out a gun and first they killed the one who was putting up resistance against the vehicle theft, and then others came along and joined the fight to defend their property and their companion who had been attacked, and they killed them too.”

Randy Dible, a photographer from San Diego and friend of Callum Robinson, has told the Australian press he’d directed Callum to a wave in Baja called La Bocana, drawing a map on a napkin, after a last-minute job meant he couldn’t join the trio.

“I told him about this place because I’d been travelling down there all over that country for 30 years so I know it like the back of my hand and I knew just where to go. I wish I’d never met up with him that day, I feel really bad. I feel guilty. It’s just starting to hit home.”

Site where slain Australian surfers and American friend were discovered in Baja.
Site where slain Australian surfers and American friend were discovered in Baja.

Fourth body found near slain Australian surfers and American friend in Mexico

"All lines of investigation are open at this time."

The tragic story of Callum and Jake Robinson, originally from Western Australia, and San Diego-based Jack Carter Rhoad has dominated news media this week. The three men, in their lower 30s, had traveled south of the border for an all-too-typical surf trip, camping just south of Ensenada then planning on spending a few nights at K38. When the trio failed to show up at their vacation rental near Rosarita, the Robinson family took to social media pleading for any information.

Days later, three bodies were discovered dumped in a pit near Santo Tomás on the coast. The men’s abandoned tents and torched pickup truck were nearby.

Now, Mexican authorities are saying a fourth body has been found nearby though it is unclear if they are connected. Forensic tests are being conducted by a state laboratory. “There is a lot of important information that we can’t make public,” María Elena Andrade Ramírez, the chief state prosecutor told the press.

The site is cordoned off by police with a navy boat protecting it from the sea.

Thus far, three persons of interest have been arrested in relationship with the case. A 23-year-old woman, who officials say was in possession of drugs and a cellphone that had wallpaper of one of the surfers, and two men. They have been charged with kidnapping so far with more, possibly, on the way.

Surfers, everywhere, have followed the very sad arc with particular attention as the Baja surf trip is ubiquitous, particularly for those living in Southern California. Driving over the border into Tijuana, grabbing tacos then pointing to the coast and camping for a few days of adventure a right of passage.

While danger levels in Baja have clearly escalated over the past years, Ramírez declared that it is too early to assign blame to the drug cartels active in the area, stating, “all lines of investigation are open at this time.”

The State Department currently lists heading to Baja under its “reconsider travel” category.

Stephanie Gilmore and Caroline Marks
D-bah looked fun today but we surfed Snapper into Greenmount again. The queen was out, omg I luv her so much. Such an angel babe. If I could be one person it would be Steph Gilmore. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Coolangatta is the greatest party on earth

"OMG, imagine if I gave Slater a blowjob, my Mum would be so stoked. She's a decade younger than him and still thinks he's hot."

Let’s trot. So bossing the Changa is back in Coolie. I’m trying with my boyfriend to hook up a babe for a throuple, maybe a toasty Brazilian stud if we can’t.

Sure, the bank is groomed, the waves have been really fun, and if I get to give a few blowies or lick some fannies that will be icing on the cake. I ran out of Olanzapine to trip out the anorexic thoughts but if I have to be a mad slag to survive, life is still grand.

Went on a shoot with X, horny slag herself, but rips.

OMG, the photog was a complete creepy cat. He tried to finger bang me in the back of the changing room. I screamed and said, “What the fuck dude, my boyfriend will fuck you up”.

He said he was sorry and made some lame arse excuse and bought me and X Air Mails all night at the Rattlesnake. Said he could get me a sponno with Rip Curl. Creepy dude is so full of shit. So many dudes full of shit.

Still, ZX did a smoking little DJ set and I gave Ronnie (haha, not his real name) a blowjob in the dunny after he gave me a little bump. So fun. Still horny when I got home so I woke boyfriend up with a blowjob and jumped on. Damn, I forgot how much the psych meds gutted your sex drive. I feel like the horniest lioness on earth.

Next morning we had breakfast at Haig St, Kirra. I had pear and raspberry loaf and a flat white. Felt like a fat cow, but whatever. X had a green bowl and a Bloody Mary. What a pyscho!

We had to wait for the tide to drop to do a lap. Money was tight but I knew I had more work in LA. I saw my agent the other day and he told me they couldn’t get American girls because they were all so fragile. I love the way he says it: “Sooo frah-jil.” He’s gay as a lord but so lovely. Flew all the way to Australia from New York to find some new girls. He said Australian girls had more spunk and gave better blowjobs. How would he know, he’s probs a kai-kai whippee!

So many babes on the bank. I’m psychotically competitive out there. Had to break some creepy old guys wank dream when he was too deep, just to get a set wave. The Number Eight Handle-me made me goes so sick out there. Rosie and me had soo much fun. She dropped in on Slater. He’s kind of gross and kind of hot still. I told Rosie she should offer him a blowjob.

OMG, imagine if I gave Slater a blowjob, my Mum would be so stoked. She’s a decade younger than him and still thinks he’s hot. My Dad hates him, thinks he a total kook.

Dad tried to make it as a pro and never got off the Q-ey. Ended up with a hefty credit card debt and a cocaine addiction. He lives in Indo now. I don’t see much of him since he split with Mum, never did really. He never once came to visit when I was in the mental health unit. That made me sad. It makes me sad thinking of him, so I don’t. He’s probably got some Indonesian girlfriend my age. Why are guys are so freaking creepy and gross. So dog.

There’s that psycho bitch who tried to fuck my boyfriend while I was sick. She is kind of hot I have to admit. Trying to get on the Changa, I heard she gave a blowjob to X’s coach. What a slut. He’s such a crusty old gross dude, too. So many creepy cats in the surf industry.

I couldn’t do anything in the clinic anyway. Locked up in Lismore for six weeks getting fed Fluoxetine and doing group therapy every day. Mum would visit from Byron every few days. Least I could listen to Billie Eilish and make lame psych ward Tik Toks and finger bang the other chick in there. We were both so bored and she was cute and a slut like me.

Maybe Aussie chicks are just as frah-jil as the american ones? I don’t know. We’re all pretty fucked up in the head. Least I’m chill now and not a psycho bitch like X.

Life’s pretty good, actually. I mean it’s OK. I still have to do some shifts at the cafe in Coolangatta. The one run by Israelis. The chef is rapey and sigma and the manager told me my dress was too short and my boobs were too exposed the other day. What a jealous, sex neggy bitch. I called the owner and told him I was quitting and he begged me to stay so I guess I will for a bit. Until I go overseas, at least. He’s a full cooker but it’s OK money.

Maybe I’ll go back to uni when I get back. Fuck going back to Melbourne though, shitty experience during lockdowns. So zesty, all my friends came home. I could study here and surf every day, move back in with Mum. I don’t really know and don’t really care. I’m only 19 so no rush. Maybe I’ll even get back on the Q-ey. Maybe end up in New York, the lesbian bars are great, immaculate vibes.

D-bah looked fun today but we surfed Snapper into Greenmount again. The queen was out, omg I luv her so much. Such an angel babe. If I could be one person it would be Steph Gilmore.

Sammy Pupo burned me but I tried to give him my number, I love that little moustache and the grill. Hot doggy. I hope he wins the comp. I feel horny as fuck because I am living in an existential vacuum. I dunno. We’re all going to fry and sometimes life barely seems worth living.

Like, what is the point of it? Forget about it, we’re all fucked.

I’ll catch up for coffee at Vanilla Lily with Nadia, she wants to start a biz selling jewellery and swimwear, with me. We could set up in Bali and live in Canggu, sell the stuff back here at markets and online.

It sounds pretty sick. A nice little life, for sure.

Still in Coolangatta now, though. Probably go watch the Changa final tomorrow. Have some fun at the Sands afterwards, grab a guy or babe for a threesome.

Life’s alright if you don’t think about it too much, even when you are off the meds.

(Editor’s note: Velouria Velveteen is the nom de plume of a noted Coolangatta surfer, who wishes to remain reasonably anonymous for pretty obvious reasons. This is her first piece for BeachGrit.)

Symbologists (left) in fight over meaning.
Symbologists (left) in fight over meaning.

Symbologists deeply baffled as young goats crash Kelly Slater baby shower

"What can it possibly mean?"

Symbologists, worldwide, were forced to take a break from deciphering Kendrick Lamar and Drake lyrics, yesterday, in order to attempt an understanding of surf great Kelly Slater’s Australian baby shower. The 11x world champion is currently on the Gold Coast with longtime, and pregnant, girlfriend Kalani Miller. The later took to social media with pictures of the event, which took place in gorgeous Byron Bay, writing, “Wow, where do I even begin?! My Australian family threw the most beautiful baby shower for the little one. It was an unforgettable misty rainy day in the hinterland of Byron Bay with the most thoughtful details full of love…”

Hearts full etc.

And gorgeous save one utterly baffling detail.

Baby goats had appeared to invade.

Early speculation centered around someone in the hinterland leaving a paddock gate open allowing for the kids to crash the party though that theory was quickly squashed by local farmers who thought such a potential accident impossible. The conundrum was then kicked to the aforementioned symbologists who pressed pause on “6:16 in LA” and “Meet the Grahams” to puzzle out meaning.

At time of writing, they are all stumped and requesting help.

David Lee Scales and I might have been able to provide some though got derailed with other topics including, but not limited to, leash tugging and homosexuality in professional surfing.

I think you’ll find it very pleasant.

Back to Lamar v. Drake, though. Where are you on that one? Team Compton or Team OVO?