Stephanie Gilmore and Caroline Marks
D-bah looked fun today but we surfed Snapper into Greenmount again. The queen was out, omg I luv her so much. Such an angel babe. If I could be one person it would be Steph Gilmore. | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Coolangatta is the greatest party on earth

"OMG, imagine if I gave Slater a blowjob, my Mum would be so stoked. She's a decade younger than him and still thinks he's hot."

Let’s trot. So bossing the Changa is back in Coolie. I’m trying with my boyfriend to hook up a babe for a throuple, maybe a toasty Brazilian stud if we can’t.

Sure, the bank is groomed, the waves have been really fun, and if I get to give a few blowies or lick some fannies that will be icing on the cake. I ran out of Olanzapine to trip out the anorexic thoughts but if I have to be a mad slag to survive, life is still grand.

Went on a shoot with X, horny slag herself, but rips.

OMG, the photog was a complete creepy cat. He tried to finger bang me in the back of the changing room. I screamed and said, “What the fuck dude, my boyfriend will fuck you up”.

He said he was sorry and made some lame arse excuse and bought me and X Air Mails all night at the Rattlesnake. Said he could get me a sponno with Rip Curl. Creepy dude is so full of shit. So many dudes full of shit.

Still, ZX did a smoking little DJ set and I gave Ronnie (haha, not his real name) a blowjob in the dunny after he gave me a little bump. So fun. Still horny when I got home so I woke boyfriend up with a blowjob and jumped on. Damn, I forgot how much the psych meds gutted your sex drive. I feel like the horniest lioness on earth.

Next morning we had breakfast at Haig St, Kirra. I had pear and raspberry loaf and a flat white. Felt like a fat cow, but whatever. X had a green bowl and a Bloody Mary. What a pyscho!

We had to wait for the tide to drop to do a lap. Money was tight but I knew I had more work in LA. I saw my agent the other day and he told me they couldn’t get American girls because they were all so fragile. I love the way he says it: “Sooo frah-jil.” He’s gay as a lord but so lovely. Flew all the way to Australia from New York to find some new girls. He said Australian girls had more spunk and gave better blowjobs. How would he know, he’s probs a kai-kai whippee!

So many babes on the bank. I’m psychotically competitive out there. Had to break some creepy old guys wank dream when he was too deep, just to get a set wave. The Number Eight Handle-me made me goes so sick out there. Rosie and me had soo much fun. She dropped in on Slater. He’s kind of gross and kind of hot still. I told Rosie she should offer him a blowjob.

OMG, imagine if I gave Slater a blowjob, my Mum would be so stoked. She’s a decade younger than him and still thinks he’s hot. My Dad hates him, thinks he a total kook.

Dad tried to make it as a pro and never got off the Q-ey. Ended up with a hefty credit card debt and a cocaine addiction. He lives in Indo now. I don’t see much of him since he split with Mum, never did really. He never once came to visit when I was in the mental health unit. That made me sad. It makes me sad thinking of him, so I don’t. He’s probably got some Indonesian girlfriend my age. Why are guys are so freaking creepy and gross. So dog.

There’s that psycho bitch who tried to fuck my boyfriend while I was sick. She is kind of hot I have to admit. Trying to get on the Changa, I heard she gave a blowjob to X’s coach. What a slut. He’s such a crusty old gross dude, too. So many creepy cats in the surf industry.

I couldn’t do anything in the clinic anyway. Locked up in Lismore for six weeks getting fed Fluoxetine and doing group therapy every day. Mum would visit from Byron every few days. Least I could listen to Billie Eilish and make lame psych ward Tik Toks and finger bang the other chick in there. We were both so bored and she was cute and a slut like me.

Maybe Aussie chicks are just as frah-jil as the american ones? I don’t know. We’re all pretty fucked up in the head. Least I’m chill now and not a psycho bitch like X.

Life’s pretty good, actually. I mean it’s OK. I still have to do some shifts at the cafe in Coolangatta. The one run by Israelis. The chef is rapey and sigma and the manager told me my dress was too short and my boobs were too exposed the other day. What a jealous, sex neggy bitch. I called the owner and told him I was quitting and he begged me to stay so I guess I will for a bit. Until I go overseas, at least. He’s a full cooker but it’s OK money.

Maybe I’ll go back to uni when I get back. Fuck going back to Melbourne though, shitty experience during lockdowns. So zesty, all my friends came home. I could study here and surf every day, move back in with Mum. I don’t really know and don’t really care. I’m only 19 so no rush. Maybe I’ll even get back on the Q-ey. Maybe end up in New York, the lesbian bars are great, immaculate vibes.

D-bah looked fun today but we surfed Snapper into Greenmount again. The queen was out, omg I luv her so much. Such an angel babe. If I could be one person it would be Steph Gilmore.

Sammy Pupo burned me but I tried to give him my number, I love that little moustache and the grill. Hot doggy. I hope he wins the comp. I feel horny as fuck because I am living in an existential vacuum. I dunno. We’re all going to fry and sometimes life barely seems worth living.

Like, what is the point of it? Forget about it, we’re all fucked.

I’ll catch up for coffee at Vanilla Lily with Nadia, she wants to start a biz selling jewellery and swimwear, with me. We could set up in Bali and live in Canggu, sell the stuff back here at markets and online.

It sounds pretty sick. A nice little life, for sure.

Still in Coolangatta now, though. Probably go watch the Changa final tomorrow. Have some fun at the Sands afterwards, grab a guy or babe for a threesome.

Life’s alright if you don’t think about it too much, even when you are off the meds.

(Editor’s note: Velouria Velveteen is the nom de plume of a noted Coolangatta surfer, who wishes to remain reasonably anonymous for pretty obvious reasons. This is her first piece for BeachGrit.)

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Symbologists (left) in fight over meaning.
Symbologists (left) in fight over meaning.

Symbologists deeply baffled as young goats crash Kelly Slater baby shower

"What can it possibly mean?"

Symbologists, worldwide, were forced to take a break from deciphering Kendrick Lamar and Drake lyrics, yesterday, in order to attempt an understanding of surf great Kelly Slater’s Australian baby shower. The 11x world champion is currently on the Gold Coast with longtime, and pregnant, girlfriend Kalani Miller. The later took to social media with pictures of the event, which took place in gorgeous Byron Bay, writing, “Wow, where do I even begin?! My Australian family threw the most beautiful baby shower for the little one. It was an unforgettable misty rainy day in the hinterland of Byron Bay with the most thoughtful details full of love…”

Hearts full etc.

And gorgeous save one utterly baffling detail.

Baby goats had appeared to invade.

Early speculation centered around someone in the hinterland leaving a paddock gate open allowing for the kids to crash the party though that theory was quickly squashed by local farmers who thought such a potential accident impossible. The conundrum was then kicked to the aforementioned symbologists who pressed pause on “6:16 in LA” and “Meet the Grahams” to puzzle out meaning.

At time of writing, they are all stumped and requesting help.

David Lee Scales and I might have been able to provide some though got derailed with other topics including, but not limited to, leash tugging and homosexuality in professional surfing.

I think you’ll find it very pleasant.

Back to Lamar v. Drake, though. Where are you on that one? Team Compton or Team OVO?

Discuss.

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Canadian surf sensation Erin Brooks stuns world with “best barrel by a woman ever.”

“That would have been a ten for the guys! That was insane.”

The Texan-born and newly-minted Canadian Erin Brooks has cemented her place in surfing lore after a ten-point ride at Snapper Rocks that officially ended a forty-year perception that women couldn’t ride tubes on their backhand.

Erin Brooks, who its sixteen, was bred to shred, as they used to say.

She moved from Texas to Hawaii when she was nine, surfed Teahupoo at eleven, was taking off on ten-foot Sunset peaks at thirteen and was the youngest ever competitor invited to surf in the Padang Padang Cup.

And, earlier today at Snapper Rocks, Erin Brooks threaded a legitimate top-to-bottom drainer earning her a unanimous ten-point ride from the judges. Not only did it supersede every backside tube by a woman ever filmed, free surf or contest, but it opened the door to a new era of gal’s surfing.

 

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Erin Brooks gift-wrapped the day by winning the entire event. She now leads the Challenger Series ratings, a six-event feeder system for the top-rung Championship Tour.

Commentary, naturally, was alive with praise for Ms Brooks.

“Insane!” wrote Nathan Florence.

Rio Wada, “Tbh that’s 20.”

Teahupoo standout Eimeo Czermak, “Best 10 ever for girls.”

Leo Fioravanti, “Most technical barrel I’ve ever see by a girl on their backhand. Erin Brooks, you’re next level.”

Jackson Dorian, “That would have been a ten for the guys! That was insane.”

Kai Lenny, “That was insane.”

Fisher, “EPIC.”

Sky Brown, “Mind blown.”

The last time Erin Brooks was on this pages was in January during the wild imbroglio over her Canadian citizenship.

Following the “cruel and sadistic” rejection of effort to represent Canada at Paris 2024, the country’s immigration minister Marc Miller did a switcharoo and gifted the kid her prized new passport.

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Heartbreak as authorities confirm discovery of slain Australian surfers in Mexico

A dark day.

Mexican authorities are now officially confirming that three dead bodies discovered earlier in the day, roughly 130 miles from the United States’ border, belong to two missing Australian surfers and their American friend. Callum and Jake Robinson, originally from Western Australia, and San Diego-based Jack Carter Rhoad had traveled south in order to surf around Ensenada and Rosarito. Concern was first floated when they failed to check into their vacation rental near K38.

While the brothers’ mother took to social media pleading for any help, the story took an ominous turn when the white Chevrolet pick-up the three had been traveling in was found burned. Later, their tents were discovered abandoned.

The bodies were discovered in an isolated area near La Bocana though officials say it is too early to determine cause of death.

Three persons have been arrested in association with the case thus far including a woman who had one of the surfer’s phones.

Baja California Attorney General María Elena Andrade Ramírez declared that authorities lost valuable time because the men were not immediately reported missing. The last word the family had was six days ago though anyone who has traveled, or camped, knows that communication is not always constant.

It is a sad day for the Robinsons and Rhoads, certainly, but also surfers everywhere.

Heartbreak.

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Open Thread: Comment Live on Finals Day of Bonsoy Gold Coast Pro

Celebrate good times.

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