The unlikely pairing of nude sunbathers and surfers, days ago, proved a glorious spark of unity in an otherwise bleak and tribal world. Like lady and the tramp, the two found common cause over blow-ins descending upon Wrecks Beach, long considered the “Topless Teahupo’o” in order to leer and perv.
Nude sunbathing enthusiasts circulated a petition, surfers rallied to their cause and people across the globe smiled, feeling the warm glow of harmony not felt since 2017.
Light warming those dark recesses where the sun usually don’t shine.
It made perfect sense, then, when surfers broke out into wild Dionysian celebrations, yesterday, after it was announced that Seattle’s Denny Blaine Park, long cherished by LGBTQ+ nude sunbathers, would remain theirs.
The “Naked Nias,” as it is often called, was under threat after a local millionaire businessman had convinced the parks and rec. dept. to install a playground in new “zones.” Nudity is legal in Washington except where it is likely to cause “affront and alarm.”
Friends of Denny Blaine Park, compromising nude sunbathing enthusiasts, was formed and forced a veto of the plan.
Co-lead Sophie Amity Debs told the Seattle Times, “We’re glad they responded to the overwhelming negative feedback from people that the zones are terrible.” Milo Kusold, who enjoys sunning his buns, added, “The parks department has not addressed at all that they’re doing deals with rich people. [With] no statement on what the article exposed, I feel like it would be pretty hard to work and collaborate with them.”
Dang rich people.
The victory, cheered loudly by surfers, also galvanized Friends of Denny Blaine Park and now they are pushing for “adding handrails to stairs, replacing invasive and thorny blackberry plants, and alleviating parking and transportation issues.”
Ouchy invasive and thorny blackberry plants.
Surfers, of course, will be available to help if needed, possibly even as part of the World Surf League’s much-lived One Ocean initiate. Usually employing top level pros to plant a bush, there is not reason they cannot be used to prune one as well.
Happy days.
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Real busy at Malibu
Steve Jobs’ widow continues buy-up of Malibu oceanfront lots; shovels $94 million at four-acre Paradise Cove spread
"The region’s surfers are becoming increasingly worried that their beloved and historical surf break may finally become overcrowded."
In a series of Malibu transactions not seen since Superbad star Jonah Hill took a shine to the thirty-click beach strip a few years back, Steve Jobs’ widow has bought up almost $200 million in oceanfront real estate in the monied, and honied, city.
Laurene Powell Jobs, who is worth fourteen billion dollars after inheriting Stevie’s stake in Apple and Disney, busted into the Malibu market in 2015 when she bought a double-parcel joint for $44 mill, swiftly bulldozing the existing house. Two years later, she bought the neighbours out for $16.5 mill and, in 2021, another neighbour for $17.5 mill.
Jobs’ latest buy is a four-acre oceanfront estate in Paradise Cove, bought off-market hence no photos, for $94 million.
Incredibly, the $94,000,000 buy ain’t the priciest sale in Malibu.
That honour goes to megastar power couple Jay-Z and Beyoncé who, last year, bought a $200 million cement bunker, designed by architect Tadao Ando, on an eight-acre parcel right there on a bluff overlooking the ocean.
At the time, concerns were raised that Malibu might become overexposed due to its colonisation by the rich and famous.
“Exciting but with this new spotlight, the region’s surfers are becoming increasingly worried that their beloved and historical surf break may finally become overcrowded,” reported Chas Smith. “Weekend mobs descended upon the wave as news of Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s new address, leaving locals kerflummoxed and befuddled. Longtime natives the Brothers Marshall posted a photo of the chaos, wondering if it was a sign of things to come.”
Want to get into Paradise Cove but don’t got the ten-mill minimum buy-in?
As Daddy Josh Kerr keeps on winning heats on the men's side!
We live in the age of nepotism.
In the NBA, current superstars Steph Curry and Jalen Brunson stand on the shoulders of their daddys Eddy Curry and Rick Brunson; Lebron ‘Bronny’ James Jr. gets more coverage than all his fellow draft prospects combined, despite being a fringe round two pick at best.
In Hollywood, nepo babies Dakota Johnson and Nicola Peltz Beckham enjoy professional opportunities that correlate directly to their parents’ fame and fortune, regardless of any dramatic skill they may (in Johnson’s case) or may not (in Peltz-Beckham’s case) possess.
In music, Miley Cyrus traded for years on the genes, upbringing and public profile of her now less-famous father, Billy Ray.
Politics (Trudeau), business (Trump), modelling (Hadid) – you name an industry and there, near the top, will be a scion fed with a spoon of silver and aided by the velvet-gloved hand of nepotism.
So too, in surfing.
The name Sierra Kerr has been on surf fans’ lips for years now, despite her being just 17 years old and so far lacking the competitive success enjoyed by fellow prodigies Erin Brooks (16) and Caitlin Simmers (18).
Josh Kerr needs little introduction to the ardent surf fan, but let’s introduce him anyway.
He came onto the scene in the mid 2000s as the World Air Champ pushing the boundaries of the sport with such innovations as the Club Sandwich and clinching the last ever Airshow Series title in 2005.
Two years later he made the ‘CT and demonstrated his skill in waves, little and monstrous.
After a decade competing at the highest level Kerr hung up his singlet and began a new chapter as a freesurfer extraordinaire, twin-fin advocate and shrewd entrepreneur. Shortly thereafter the first clips of daughter Sierra started to drop and Kerrzy’s other major role as daddy to two young groms took centre stage.
Let us set the scene for Sierra Kerr’s triumph: Day 5 of the Nias Pro, one of the major events on the Asian/Australasian regional Qualification Series. The preceding day was of historic proportions, and the swell had built slightly overnight – not as perfect or consistent perhaps, but a foot bigger on the largest sets of the morning.
The first heat of the day saw the men resume their heroic efforts – Cooper Davies dropped a 16.70 heat total, Made Joi Satriawan 17.50, Shohei Kato 18.03. All threaded thick righthand pits for well-deserved 8s and 9s.
Then the women’s round of 32 started, and the high scores stopped.
Most of the women relied on turns, leaning their step-up boards into the fat tapering walls that follow the barrel section. Forays into the tube were all too brief, often limited by an inability to knife the critical takeoff. Willow Hardy and Piper Harrison pulled in deep, made it out and were rewarded with a 10 and a 9.70 respectively. No one else posted anything better than a 7.83 all round.
It was clear – these were not the ferocious ladies of the CT who made history earlier this year at Pipeline and Teahupo’o, putting reigning Men’s World Champ Filipe Toledo to shame with their heady mix of tenacity and skill. I wondered what barrel maestro Caity Simmers would have authored, had she been in the water.
Then Sierra Kerr stepped up, swung hard and knocked two perfect pitches right out of the park.
Her 10 point ride was a classic. The first wave ridden in the heat, none of the other women wanted to go near it. As they paddled towards the wave and over it, Sierra turned, stroked deep and dropped hard into a thick barrel. A few mini pumps and she was out, looking back at the shoreline.
“I paddled deep because everyone was wide, no one wanted it,” said Kerr after.
Showing perfect composure, Kerr waited 23 minutes for her next wave, a skillful pump-to-highline tubride followed by a solid grabrail cuttie, netting a 6.17.
All her competitors were firmly in comboland, and Kerr had no more work to do.
Except that she did.
With just 19 seconds left she pulled into another six-foot drainer, pumped hard three times and came out nodding like a bobble head on your dashboard as you go over a particularly sharp speed bump.
9.87+10 = one of the highest ever heat totals by a female competitive surfer, a landmark effort that backs up her fans who claim she is the future of women’s surfing.
Daddy Josh was, of course, sitting in the channel about to start his next heat.
Both Kerrs made it through the rest of their matches for the day and have the chance to make the first ever father-daughter event win pairing in any sport when finals day unfolds.
The lesson?
Don’t hate on nepotism just because the silver spoon isn’t in your mouth. Enjoy it. Revel in it.
Parenthood is a beautiful thing, and so is prodigous excellence.
So much the better when one is entwined with the other.
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Kite surfer (pictured) with his word.
Literate kite surfer saves self by correctly spelling “HELP” on sand
Surfers and kite surfers generally have no beef, or at least not in Southern California. When the wind whips hard enough to billow their sheets, surfers are generally long gone, enjoying an afternoon cocktail, perhaps a fat washed mezcal that uses the drippings from a rack of slow-cooked pork ribs and an equal amount of mezcal that sits in the freezer overnight and includes a spicy habanero-tincture garnish. Or perhaps not. In any case, a kite surfer became in trouble up Santa Cruz way and leaned upon literacy in order to save himself.
The unnamed man, described as a “veteran windsurfer” by local news but also a “kite surfer” by national news and simply “surfer” by international news, became stuck on a beach surrounded by cliffs with a rising tide threatening. Not the good sort of “Rising Tide” produced by the World Surf League wherein younger girls learn to charge but the drowning sort.
Thinking quickly, our intelligent hero spelled the word H E L P out of rocks on the sand and was spotted by a passing helicopter which, in turn, alerted authorities.
“It was actually very windy out as well, probably 25-plus MPH wind,” Cal Fire Capt. Sean Ketchum told NBC’s Bay Area affiliate.
“It is an extremely beautiful place to work and live,” added Cal Fire Capt. Skylar Merritt. “That being said, it can lull people into a false sense of security around those cliffs. Those beaches are notorious for strong winds, rip tides and cold water.”
It was too dangerous to rescue the logophile from sea and so a helicopter came in and hoisted him to safety.
“It was a good feeling being there and being able to help just get him out of there,” rescuer Jesus Acosta declared, also sharing that the whole business felt like a scene from a movie.
Very cool.
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Griffin Colapinto (insert) alongside the Rodent Men hunks du jour. Photo: Instagram
Surfer Griffin Colapinto now sex symbol alongside actor Jeremy Allen White, musician Matt Healy as “Hot Rodent Men” trends
"They’re actually the most physically desirable thing a man can be at this particularly disorienting moment in American history."
San Clemente’s Griffin Colapinto certainly has stitched together “a hell of a year,” to quote the great Matthew McConaughey. Currently sitting number three in the world, the Gandhi-like 25-year-old will be Olympic-bound in July then headed to his home break of Lowers to compete for a World Surf League championship.
A very real possibility of wins at both Teahupo’o and Trestles.
He might be inclined to hire protection at those two stops to shield him from a Beatlemania-like frenzy, young and old women throwing themselves at him, men too as he is now, officially, a sex symbol.
The New York Times is reportingthat “Hot Rodent Men” is the look of the season “according to the tabloids.” The piece continues, “They’re actually the most physically desirable thing a man can be at this particularly disorienting moment in American history. Exemplified by the faces of actors like The Bear’s Jeremy Allen White and Challengers leads Mike Faist and Josh O’Connor; as well as the 1975 band member Matty Healy and Blink-182 drummer Travis Barker, hot ‘Rodent Men’ are a loose category that seems mostly to refer to men who look a bit like mice or rats.”
Willem Dafoe is also included in the group.
But how do you feel about this sudden revelation? When you look in the mirror are you greeted with a ratty look peering back with beady little eyes and a twitchy little nose? Pinched features and a general stink of poor morals? Count yourself lucky if the answer is “yes.”
Back to Griff, though. Colapinto has long shared his desire to be interesting, telling Olympics.com, “It’s funny, I always see people getting interviewed and it’s always so boring to me and I’m like, I don’t want to be the boring guy! I don’t want to do things like anyone else. If I have an opportunity to tell a story or something, I enjoy doing that and just show my true self.”
A fortuitous turn as “his true self” is now lust material.
