Kelly Slater announces last-heat ever at Cloudbreak.
Kelly Slater announces last-heat ever heat at Cloudbreak.

Heartbreak for Kelly Slater after shock Fiji loss as he announces “last heat I’ll ever surf at Cloudbreak”

"It was heartbreaking to watch it go by and think that should have been my wave."

An emotional Kelly Slater has formally announced he has surfed his “last-ever heat at Cloudbreak” following his elimination round loss to Brazilian Yago Dora at the Fiji Pro a short time ago.

Speaking to WSL anchor AJ McCord, Kelly Slater, who is fifty-two and the daddy of a newborn and as yet unnamed son with Chinese-American girlfriend Kalani Miller, said:

“I knew there’s two good waves in most sets. Most of the good sets didn’t hit the right spot. And I took a bad wave with priority. So I gave priority over to Yago… And at that point, you know, I probably was out of the heat already. There wasn’t really much else I could have done… It was heartbreaking to watch it go by and think that should have been my wave.

“I’m happy for Yago and and just… this was probably the last heat I’ll ever surf out here at Cloudbreak.”

Cue choked back tears etc.

Real or prank? Who knows?

The first time Kelly Slater retired was in 1998, the then six-time world champ having just-turned twenty-six. He competed sporadically over the next few years, winning Pipe in 1999 and the Eddie in 2002, before re-joining the tour to take on Andy Irons head-on, hinting at retirement every year thereafter.

In 2018, and piggybacking Joel Parkinson’s retirement announcement at J-Bay, he said he’d officially quit by the end of the following year at age forty-seven. 

Other retirement announcements can be found here, here, here and here. 

Likely, we’ll see Kelly Slater at Pipeline and at next year’s Tahiti event, if the tour still exists.

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Surfing almost has own George Floyd moment after man choked by cop for not carrying “beach badge”

"If anyone wants to Google this cop his 'top skills' are listed as 'de-escalation' and 'conflict resolution'"

As if there weren’t enough reasons not to surf New Jersey in the summer, you can now add being choked and wrestled to the ground by local police officers for not showing your beach badge within, say, five seconds of being asked.

In a scene eerily similar to Stalins Gulag Archipelago, a surfer in Belmar NJ was throttled to the ground by town authorities for failing to show his “beach badge.”

You can hear the surfer say, below the screams of his beloved boo and right before the Hulk Hogan arm-to-neck embrace,

“I have my badge right there.”

The surfer appears to be calm and following orders. What happens next is a move only Conor McGregor could appreciate. A rear-naked choke with enough force to wrangle a Montana bison, thrown down face first to the sand like a beach pylon.

It takes six officers to lead the dangerous surfer away.

A short time later, Liam Mahoney, 28, of Junction City, California, is charged with disorderly conduct, resisting arrest and obstruction of justice.

A lil background on Jersey (New York too) beach access badges.

From Memorial Day (May 31) to Labor Day (September 2) all non-residents are required to buy daily beach access badges. Prices range from ten to thirty dollars. Jersey and New York costal communities thrive on blow-ins during the summer months. Most businesses and municipalities have to make their money during these times, hence the badges and inflated “non-local” prices on goods.

It’s a 50 shade of grey line when trying to cross the threshold to the beach. Technically, by municipal law, ya gotta pay if your using the beach. But, if you’re just going to surf, swim or fish (no umbrella, cooler, beach chair) you could walk right by the teen sentinels with a smile and a wave.

The Belmar Police Department was called for a few questions and responded with the usual two word cop out (pun intended): “No comment.”

Locals on Instagram were quick to respond:

@floatywoodboat -
Doesn’t need a badge to surf. It’s illegal to prevent use of the water. Says it right on the nj government website

The public’s right to access tidal waters and their shorelines is a concept that developed in Roman law and continues to this day. Public access is a right that is part of the Public Trust Doctrine, and these rights have primarily been defined in the many court cases that have interpreted the Public Trust Doctrine. More recently, in 2019, the Legislature passed a Public Access Law that was signed by Governor Murphy and explicitly incorporates the Public Trust Doctrine’s right of public access into the New Jersey statutes. The Statute defines public access as “visual and physical access to, and use of, tidal waters and adjacent shorelines, sufficient perpendicular access from upland areas to tidal waters and adjacent shorelines, and the necessary support amenities to facilitate public access for all, including, but not limited to, public parking and restrooms.” N.J.S.A. 13:1D-150(1)(f).

And three favorites:
@russroe- This cop lost his chick to a surfer this summer. Prove me wrong.

@meeg_verbauskas- if anyone wants to google this problematic cop his “top skills” listed on linked in are “de-escalation” and “conflict resolution”. what a joke

@alexandra_meehan- He can finally fulfill his dream of being a djais bouncer. Give this guy his papers.

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Koa Rothman “battles kooks” at Desert Point with screwfoot maestros Italo Ferreira and Clay Marzo

"There were some serious stuff-jobs going on…"

Games of grab-ass ain’t new at Desert Point, an insanely hollow lefthander on the Indonesian island of Lombok and long a stop-over for tube-hunters, mostly of the screwfoot persuasion.

Do you remember the video of a Mexican surfer being attacked by a Brazilian mid-wave there? Maybe one year ago?

It went lightly viral, the Mexican reporting: “So this guy dropped on the wave behind me after I was already on the wave. He pushes me down and then yells at me saying he can catch every wave he wants because he is Brazilian and been surfing at Deserts for 20 years.”

Anyway, that, and this video below, highlight the absurdity of the once-secret wave. Even in your ol pal DR’s lifetime he got to surf it with one pal and the mysterious tube-hunter Jim Banks. Slick four-footers scudding down the line, only front-door exits available, doggy-doors firmly closed. A divine scene.

In this video, we find Koa Rothman using the locomotion of a speed boat to avoid the four-hour ferry from Bali, a benefit of his high rank and status within the worldwide surfing community. Rothman arrives, tide and wind combine to rake the surf into near perfection, he paddles out, camera in mouth etc, and, first wave, discovers what a circus the joint can be. (Five-and-a-half-minutes in.)

“There were some serious stuff-jobs going on,” Koa Rothman says, with understatement.

Still, for the tall, slender and graceful Koa Rothman, this thirty-year-old with dark olive skin which makes his almost purple eyes striking, nothing can stop his Desert Point adventuring, as he homers in on barrel after barrel.

Essential.

 

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Open Thread: Comment Live on real Day One of the Corona Fiji Pro!

It ends with us.

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Australian tradesmen (pictured) off work and ready to surf.
Australian tradesmen (pictured) off work and ready to surf.

“Tradesmen who knock off work at 3pm to go surfing” credited with buoying Australia’s soaring life expectancy!

"They are national heroes."

Australia, that magical continent which is also a country floating south of the equator pretty much all by its lonesome, has long held much room in the American and English mind. Quirky animals running to and fro, a quirkier population wandering pristine streets wearing bush hats and carrying Bowie knives. Funny names for coffee, friends, kissing.

It should come as no surprise that life expectancy in the Lucky Country is much higher than America/England, a whopping 83.30 years compared to 76.33 (America) and 80.70 (England), but the reason has long mystified scientists.

Until now.

A blistering new op-ed about why life is so much better, and longer, Down Under credits “tradesmen knocking off work at 3pm to go surfing” for the healthy spike.

Ex-pat Angela Mollard, a New Zealander who lived in England for a decade before relocating to Australia’s Manly, opens her think piece by savaging the United Kingdom and its fat people using “mobility scooters” to get around before praising Australia, its Mamils, or middle-aged men in lycra, and the aforementioned surfing tradesmen who, according to her, are considered “national heroes” for buoying the soaring life expectancy.

“If I’m honest, it was British men who once seduced me to your country,” Mollard wrote. “They made me laugh. But as you age and health becomes your new metric, you don’t want a bloke who looks like he’s hewn from pork pie and salad cream. Incidentally, you’d be hard-pressed to find those foodstuffs here (in Australia). Rather, you need steak, lentils, vegetables and kombucha if you want a body like Aussie stars Chris Hemsworth, Hugh Jackman or Margot Robbie. And a lot of us do, because public health campaigns, which begin at school, have laid out the benefits.”

Very cool though are you, dear doughy non-Australian reader, jealous?

Considering a move yourself?

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