His precioussssss.
Yesterday morning, just before the Fiji Pro finals got underway, David Lee Scales and I sat down for our weekly chat. The conversation, as it often does, shifted over to Kelly Slater, as he had just lost in unchill fashion to Brazil’s Yago Dora. He looked off the entire heat, balance difficulties, timing issues, general poor decision making. At the end, he slapped the water in disgust.
But do you remember when the surf great fell off tour after Margaret River? In David Lee Scales’ summation, the whole surfing world tried to stage a retirement intervention, posting “Congratulations on such a stellar career.”
Kelly Slater didn’t retire.
And after his Fiji loss, the World Surf League tried to send him off, again, with what JP Currie described as a “cultish highlight reel where surfing’s luminaries gushed over a montage of Kelly’s career that genuinely made me wonder if he’d passed away during a Bonsoy Brew Break?”
Kelly Slater still didn’t retire. Instead of doing a victory lap then bowing out, he went and sat hisself an awkward distance from World Surf League roving reporter Stace Galbraith, knowing he would be called upon to contribute to professional surfing in some capacity.
Which brings me to my point. Has anyone ever loved anything as much as Kelly Slater loves professional surfing? Romeo, I feel, doesn’t come close with his Juliet, ending it quickly instead of dragging his adoration out for eternity. Don Quixote, neither, with his Dulcinea. Ryan Gosling and Rachel McAdams in The Notebook? A cheap simulacrum of Kelly Slater and his professional surfing.
But wow. He has given it his everything and will continue giving it his everything, any thinking to the contrary be damned. Currie is convinced he will attache his legrope to up-and-comer Erin Brooks. That stands to reason. So does becoming part of an Emirati led ownership group and becoming professional surfing.
His preciousssss.
David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, also talked about Yago Dora and I wondered if Yago Dora today beats Kelly Slater in his prime. What do you think about that?
Listen and enjoy.
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Kelly hasn’t changed, it’s me who has. I used to really enjoy watching him surf in contests, but not anymore.
The best and most important moments for future surfing are yet to come. That’s Kellys mission and will be “fun” watching it eventuate.
If I were Kelly I’d stay home with Kalani and kid, surf out front and enjoy a simple life without having to worry about money. For many of us that is the dream.
He’s lead a life like no other, hard to compare.
Those were my thoughts as well as I watched the Grom to GOAT video. What an extraordinary life he has lived. He could relax and enjoy his family. Take a few trips each year. But clearly I don’t have the mind and drive of a champion.
I’m fairly certain that Ke11y loves Ke11y more than anything
The problem with never officially retiring for Kelly is that he’s never going to have a send off year like Adriano where he says goodbye to everyone at each stop. Could have had that after Pipe, could have had that last year, and could have had that this year.
Instead, he just hangs around Tavarua like some sad, lonely man hoping that someone will pay attention to him, and he’d rather do that than go see his infant son and think of a name.
And he doesn’t want to do that because Kalani doesn’t factor into his concept of home or family. His son doesn’t factor into his concept of home or family either. The tour has been his home and his family for like 30 years, and he doesn’t want to leave because it’s all he knows at this point and he’s afraid of what life might be like without it.
…”He looked off the entire heat, balance difficulties, timing issues, general poor decision making.”…
Yeah well, those things are common in people who’ve had too many concussions.
Could it be that all those decades of heavy wipeout bumps to his head have had a negative effect and he’s now experiencing ‘Early Onset Dementia’ ?
Not an unreasonable presumption…
Are these the eyes and hands of a happy relaxed man ?
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Fuck no.
More like those of one who’s been told not to come home.
Or of one with concussion based health issues.
(Vote ERIN for his sons unisex Irish first name.)
“I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. This is my dream. This is my nightmare…”
I don’t know any relaxed happy 50+ Men.
Really ?
I know quite a few
None who look at, let alone comment on, this esteemed tome (AKA, weirdo attracting pile of crap) though…
No surprise there. You obviously need to get out more.
Kelly on the payroll at the WSL in any capacity from CEO to mic duties is a win win for everyone.
Not for Ke11y
The win win for him will only ever be when everyone is on HIS payroll.
With the exception of his middle eastern overlords, of course…
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He won’t do that though. He wants wildcards into Pipe and Tahiti until he’s like 80 years old, and the WSL isn’t going to allow a corporate officer to be competing in its own events
If it weren’t for NDA’s, you’d be blown off your tits…..
No he needs a clean break at this stage. Then come back and commentate at the occasional event, enjoy all the fun comps around the world and Hawaii. At the moment he and Joe Turpel make it all about him always. And it’s getting a bit sad
We need an Elo update sooner than later and how about the latest on Sophie Goldschmidt’s destruction of the US Ski Team? Yes, Sophie has the Men’s and Women’s teams stuck in neutral, excluding Mikaela’s singular efforts, due to her confusing and woke agenda. Expect a dropoff in team results this season.
Shout-out to Troll!
Unko Gerry lived a dream life living at Pipeline surfing perfect waves. His universe revolved around surfing perfect waves in Hawaii and Indo. Then, like most people would, he got sick of it and fucked off to a mountain in Oregon to do something else. Kelly’s surfed more perfect waves and been more barreled than Gerry or any human on earth, and yet, at 63, he shows no signs of burning out. He truly is a special brand of psychopath.
It’s been obvious for at least 10 years (if not 30) that Kelly has a psych disorder.
There’s that saying that all the great men of history have been megalomaniacs. It’s referred to as narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) these days and it’s not just looking at yourself in the mirror.
Kelly was lucky enough to use his talent to drive him to success. Most NPD sufferers can’t back it up and spiral into a world of delusion (I dated one). For what it’s worth, NPD sufferers make for deadbeat parents.
If only pipe had been the final event of the year when he won, and there’d been no olympic carrot dangling, he would have sailed off into the sunset, reputation as unassailable as Don Bradnan.
He’s turning into a sad old fool like Nat Young.
Not being the best does not end well for these nutjobs. Suspect that’s why he won’t just fuck off.
When he won Pipe a few years ago I said ‘RETIRE!’. Walk off the stage having your last at bat be a home run. But no. Then after a dismal Sunset performance I thought surely now. He’s like a Libertarian candidate for president who actually thinks he’s got a chance.
A great Grit.
1. Chas–didn’t know Don Quixote was available in the libraries of Oregon. I thought it was just meth production manuals and books on how to entice kids into vans?
2. Guaranteed Medina is texting Charlie, “That bald fuck is still stalking all of us.”
3. What’s the over/under that Kalani is happy Slater isn’t around for most of the year?
4. Speaking of, what’s the over/under Kelly polishes his world titles like Tank Evans in Surf’s Up when he does make it home for 2 weeks of the year?
5. Do we think Party Pete has actually listened to any of these like he said he would?
You know all those trophy’s are on full display right when you walk in the house.