"Dave Grohl has been jealous for ages about Jordyn’s hot tennis coach...”

Surf instructors have long enjoyed time at the very top of the sexy fantasy pyramid. Bronzed, toned, surfy, teaching unhappy middle aged women the joy of stoke and shred and barrel. Many romantic comedies include scenes featuring an otherwise honorable lady falling hard for her yummy surf instructor. Some romantic dramas too. Surf instructors fill the pages of Harlequin books, maintain OnlyFans accounts and otherwise take for granted that they fill illicit dreams at night. Golf pros etc. nowhere near the sensual power of the surf instructor.

Even the likes of Shakira unable to resist. Also Ellie Goulding.

Until now, that is.

For you are certainly aware of the troubles rock n’ roller Dave Grohl has suddenly found himself in. Last week, the axeman admitted to father a baby outside of his 20-odd year marriage. The shock was met with an onslaught of relatively unflattering stories of the 55-year-old wooing an “alt porn goddess” and recycling pick-up lines that he had previously used on his wife.

Good guy image crumbling into the naughty but maybe Team Grohl trying to change the narrative? Page Six is reporting today that his wife, Jordyn Blum possibly had a “flirty” relationship with her “hot” tennis coach thereby making the Foo Fighter furious.

“Dave Grohl has been jealous for ages about Jordyn’s hot tennis coach,” a source told the gossip outlet over the weekend. “They’ve had arguments about him, and Dave thinks they’ve flirted. Jordyn has told him he’s crazy to even think that. But Dave has persisted.”

The hot tennis coach is named Christopher Crabb, counts many other stars amongst his clients and looks like this.

Hot tennis coach stock up.

Hot surf instructor stock down.

Heavy.

Welcome to Paradise Now Go to Jail.

Surfers took note, along with most others, yesterday, when news began trickling out that a man with a gun had been arrested hiding in the bushes at Donald Trump’s Palm Beach golf course whilst the former president was on the links. Their interest turned to shock, this morning, when it was revealed that the potential assassin was living on Oahu’s windward side.

Ryan Routh, 58, who lived in Kaaawa with his son where they had a business building sheds, had moved to the island in 2018. The small town of 1,200 souls is a quick twenty-minute drive to the haloed North Shore though there are no reports that Routh was an avid big wave surfer or even a smaller wave one, maybe preferring the waves near Haleiwa or down on the south shore.

He was passionate about the struggle in Ukraine, spending time in the country after penning, “I am coming to Ukraine from Hawaii to fight for your kids and families and democracy.. I will come and die for you.”

He did not die, made his way to the Sunshine State and is now the center of a strange and unfolding story, confusing to his Kaaawa neighbors, surfers worldwide and his son, who texted CNN, “I don’t know what’s happened in Florida, and I hope things have just been blown out of proportion, because from the little I’ve heard it doesn’t sound like the man I know to do anything crazy, much less violent.”

The BBC is reporting, that Mr. Routh will appear in court later today. He has a fairly long history of arrests in North Carolina, where he lived before moving to the Aloha State, including one for owning a fully automatic machine gun. It must be noted that he gave a neighbor a Hawaiian shirt as a gift for helping him pack up his house.

While not the postcard paradise many imagine it to be (buy here), who would have ever predicted Oahu as ground zero of political extremism?

Certainly not surfers.

The Establishment strikes back.

There was once a time when the surf industry shone like a just-steam cleaned diamond. Bright, sparkly, filled with glamor and glitz. Almost impossible to conjure the memory, these days. Its decimation has been one of the slowest apocalypses since it took Rome two-plus centuries to fall.

Volcom, as you recall, was a real darling since being birthed in 1991 in an Orange County garage. Richard “Wooly” Woolcot and Tucker Hall leaned hard into the “Youth Against Establishment” ethos and soon The Stone was everywhere, especially on the noses of the coolest professional surfers around.

10ish years after its founding, Volcom was acquired by Kerring and became publicly traded, thus earning a king’s ransom.

Very cool, until…

The aforementioned apocalypse.

Volcom struggled to maintain relevance though the Kerring years, was purchased by Authentic Brands Group in 2019 and has stumbled along since. There have been a few mass firings over the preceding five years but none as devastating as the recent slash which saw many cut including Remy Stratton, on the skate side. He had been with the brand for 30 years and considered an absolute icon.

With soul crushed long ago and heart just cut out, it must be assumed that Volcom’s complete death is imminent. ABG might continue to use The Stone on fingernail clippers for a few more years but the end might, officially, be here.

Be wonderful if Authentic Brands would live up to its name and sell Volcom back to someone authentic.

Now that would be True to This.

"I’m watching you violate what you allegedly stand for. You’re the real bully.”

The United States presidential race has taken a surf turn few saw coming. Down to the wire with every vote worth its weight in Conan Hayes, Republican Donald J. Trump and Democrat Kamala D. Harris are attempting to appeal to any community, every community, including we surfers.

Generally split down the middle, neither leaning hard left nor hard right, American surfers could very easily tilt the election if they could be pushed one way or the other. And, currently, the Republicans appear to be pushing harder.

It all began with one-time Democratic darling Tulsi Gabbard endorsing Trump. The former congresswoman from Hawaii, and The Inertia keynote speaker, and the “most famous surfer in American politics since Richard Nixon,” broke with the pack, declaring at a recent rally, “This (Biden) administration has us facing multiple wars on multiple fronts in regions around the world and closer to the brink of nuclear war than we ever have been before. This is one of the main reasons why I’m committed to doing all that I can to send President Trump back to the White House, where he can once again serve us as our commander-in-chief. Because I am confident that his first task will be to do the work to walk us back from the brink of war.”

Inspiring.

RFK Jr., surf great Kelly Slater’s pick, also endorsed Trump and now appearing side by side with Gabbard and healthy drink joints. Even though the 11x World Champion has stated that he has “never voted,” his position is clear.

And now the Team Trump Train fixes its scope on another powerful surf figure.

Former World Surf League CEO Erik Logan.

In an early morning message, Trump took to Truth Social to scream, “I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!” after the pop sensation publicly supported Harris. The move, from Trump, thought to be directly aimed at the aforementioned Logan and his many thousand fans.

Logan has, of course, become an influencer after his stint atop professional surfing, though surfing still very much infuses his content. He recently reshared the story about how a “magic wetsuit” given to him by his family allowed him to overcome his fear of the ocean and embrace the surfing life. Anyhow, the Oklahoman has also publicly denounced Taylor Swift.

But who could forget when Logan took to Twitter, five years ago, to lash Taylor Swift with, “For someone who draws such power from being the ‘voice’ and against all the things you talk about, I’m watching you violate what you allegedly stand for. You’re the real bully.”

Powerful and very clearly deep seated.

Will Trump sharing the same sentiment push Logan into his camp?

A triumvirate of Gabbard-Slater-Logan enough to swing the entire surf vote red?

Wild days.