Captain James Cook and John John Florence.
Who wore the brocaded captain's jacket better? Cook or Florence?

Controversy as John John Florence cosplays “genocidal” Captain Cook on Hanalei shopfront

“They cooked Mister Cool!”

For those of us who may be unaware, the Briton Captain James Cook was an eighteenth century explorer, navigator, and cartographer whose voyages shaped our understanding of the world.

His accomplishments were so numerous, so important, five hundred books on his legacy aren’t even close to enough.

Want a little history lesson?

Cook was a key figure in advancing celestial navigation and astronomy – if you’ve ever read the wonderful book Longitude you’ll know how revolutionary his observations were. Cook worked closely with the naturalists Joseph Banks and Daniel Solander (Cape Solander was subsequently dubbed Ours by surfers) who cataloged thousands of plant and animal species previously unknown to European science, enriching botanical and zoological knowledge.

He pioneered measures to combat scurvy, a deadly disease caused by vitamin C deficiency that plagued long sea voyages by enforcing  a diet including fresh fruits, vegetables and sauerkraut, along with strict hygiene standards. It was this success in keeping his crew healthy—losing remarkably few men to scurvy—that set a new standard for naval expeditions.

More importantly, and before he was killed by locals in Hawaii which muddied his popular-with-the-natives rep, Cook approached indigenous peoples with a degree of respect wildly uncommon for his time. He aimed to establish peaceful relations, often trading goods and recording detailed accounts of their cultures, languages, and customs.

His journals provide some of the earliest European documentation of Polynesian, Maori, Australian Aboriginal, and Native Hawaiian societies.

Thing about Cook is he’s since been downgraded by the anti-colonial crowd. Even though he didn’t colonise anywhere, he was an enabler, as they say, the detailed charts he produced on the east coast of Australia, were later used by the British government to justify establishing a penal colony at Botany Bay in 1788.

It’s rare to find a Cook statue in Australia that hasn’t been smeared in paint, graffitied (“No pride in genocide!”) “, legs sawn-off, toppled, stolen, nose chopped off etc.

Cook’s statues, see, serve as lightning rods for historical grievances, in Australia’s case, for the theft of the great southern land from the indigenous peoples who’d existed there for sixty thousand years.

And, now, the three-time world champ, who is as Hawaiian as a haloe boy can get, has been cast as a sort of pirate James Cook in a mural for Florence Marine X on Kauai.

John John Florence as Captain Cook.
John John Florence as a Captain Cook-ish seaman on Kauai.

The mural, which can be seen at the excellent Slow Yourself Down store at 5-5070 Kuhio Hwy, Hanalei on Kauai, was posted by John John’s surfer of the year brother Nathan on Instagram with the line, “They cooked Mister Cool.”

This may refer to John John or the little brother Ivan.

Ivan Florence and Nathan Florence on mural
Ivan Florence and Nathan Florence, background to big bro John John’s Cook.

Ivan Florence, who turns twenty-nine in May, you see, has emerged from the shadow of his overachieving oldest brother and Prince Harry-lookalike middle bro in the past couple of Hawaiian seasons, proving magnetic in the water as well as the skate park.

Question to dwellers below the line.

Is the cosplay of John John Florence as Captain Cook a thumb in the eye to the woke or a tribute to a great navigator with a permanent connection to the gorgeous Hawaiian isles?

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Surfers worldwide enter wild debate as to which musical grouping is best current surf rock band!

Dare you enter the firestorm?

Surf rock. Do you have thoughts other than “Dick Dale” or “Pennywise?” Defined by The Inertia as “a genre of rock music associated with surf culture, particularly as found in Southern California especially popular from 1958 to 1964 in two major forms,” the whole grouping that once defined which surf videos were cool and which were not is straight back in the news, circa 2025, and being fiercely fought over by surfers worldwide.

In an extremely provocative post, the music guide American Songwriter lit a firestorm, earlier, by declaring SadGirl, La Luz, Babewatch and Peach Pit as holders of the flame.

Here is SadGirl:

Here is La Luz:

Here is Babewatch:

Here is Peach Pit:

Which would Taylor Steele choose for his next masterpiece?

Dare you enter the firestorm?

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Jack Freestone and Alana Blanchard with new brand Drink Dayse.
Jackie and Alana, spruiking straight-edge spritzers.

Superstar surfing couple Jack Freestone and Alana Blanchard launch non-alcoholic “functional spritzer”

Straight edge!

Six month after selling their 10-acre rural compound near Byron Bay $1.525 million and moving back to the north shore of Kauai, Jack Freestone and Alana Blanchard have dived into the latest party drink category, non-alcoholic spritzers. 

Start-ups surrounding boozy good times have long been a pipeline to riches.

Jack Freestone’s ol pal Paul Fisher aka FISHER is raking leaves with Hard Fizz, Balter beer made Parko and Mick even richer and Jackie threw in early for Saint Archer Brewing Co back in 2013, enjoying the fruits of his investment when the microbrewery sold to MillerCoors two years later for thirty-five mill. 

Freestone, of course, and along with former title contender Matt Wilkinson, is best remembered as dick swinging avatars in the Greatest Surf Movie in the Universe.

The size diff in the dicks granted to these two titans of the sport was considerable, Jack Freestone got a jock pussy and Wilko a noble shaft with a great thick cord, enlarged, charged, aching to get sucked etc.

Anyway, Jack, 32, and Alana, dang, thirty-five now, where do the years go etc, are co-founders of Drink Dayse, a non-alcoholic beverage brand launched under the Byron Bay-based Organica Beverage Co.

Jackie and Alana co-founded Drink Dayse ’cause they wanted a social drink that ain’t gonna send you down the what-the-hell-did-I-do-last-night hole.

Hit the shop button and you got two choices: Awake and Easing. Awake’s got caffeine in there to give you a lil buzz and Easing is, to be prosaic, fizzy flavoured water but them flavours real sexy, “ginger with vanilla whiskey inspired notes.” 

Sharp play. Three-to-four years building brand and in swing the big boys to scoop it away for millions.

I like the tagline, “It’s not alcohol. It’s better.”

And if party drinks are getting the booze erased so non-drinkers can cos play at bars, maybe a drug-free crystallised powder for those of us who still enjoy the theatre of a furtive run to the toilet block?

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Surfs Up mini-golf. Better than a wave pool, maybe.

Wave pool investors look on anxiously as couple opens old-school surfing themed mini-golf course

"There will be blue turf on the course and vintage surfboards speckled throughout, as well as a 1974 Volkswagen Bug."

The wave pool boom is fully here, Kelly Slater’s lifelong dream of a tub in every town and a chicken in every pot a basic reality. Every day brings word of a new facility featuring either Wavegarden technology or Wavegarden technology opening in some burgh. Mesa, Arizona today, Virginia Beach, Virginia tomorrow.

Start-up costs for tanks are, of course, extremely high and margins fairly narrow and so you can imagine the anxiety currently being felt by investors as they eye Surfs Up, a new 18-hole mini-golf course opening in Carolina Beach very soon.

The brainchild of Mike Matsinger who owns “an entertainment venture that brings poker and trivia leagues to taverns nationwide” and his partner Marie McCarthy, Surfs Up will showcase a “old-school surfing vibe.”

According to Wilmington, North Carolina’s Port City Daily:

The course is designed by Harris Golf and built by Nipper Construction. It won’t be flat but have rolling hills that wind through the 18 holes, with a 12-foot waterfall and 15-foot animatronic octopus, KiKi the Kraken, whose tentacles are motorized. Matsinger said a 5-foot sea turtle that moves will be positioned on the course as well.

The goal is to make it an experiential attraction, with the sound of waves roaring through speakers, since it’s not located beachside, as people approach through a tropical walkway. There will be blue turf on the course and vintage surfboards speckled throughout, as well as a 1974 Volkswagen Bug. Even the holes will be named after surf terms, such as ‘riptide.’”

Mini-golf, as any savvy business person knows, has extremely low start-up costs with large margins and thus the understandable consternation of the aforementioned wave pool investors. Questions certainly being asked, internally.

“Did we pick the wrong horse?”

Much stress.

But do you recall the last time you played mini-golf? For me, it was five, or such, years ago at a child’s birthday party. I tried to keep accurate score for the group, but that led to hurt feelings and ill-tempers.

Participation trophy life, man.

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Nick Carroll and Hannah Anderson, sacked from Surfline
The great Nick Carroll and one-day great Hannah Anderson, inset, and Surfline's tone-deaf post.

Ramifications of Nick Carroll sacking by Surfline laid bare in “horrifying” social post

"Thanks Surfline 80 guys out by the afternoon. I just love social media."

Four weeks ago the world was turned on its head when surf-forecaster Surfline sacked its Australian editor, the legacy surf journalist Nick Carroll, brother of the two-time world champion Tom Carroll.

The plan to disappear Carroll, along with his talented photography sidekick Hannah Anderson, became evident when Surfline started burying their work beneath layers of cams and weather reports.

Carroll, sixty-five, took up the post in 2019, quickly shelving his duties as a popular below-the-line commenter on BeachGrit for the prestigious well-paid position. Readers still reminisce about Carroll’s lightly hectoring older brother tone and a relative candour not seen in his published work.

The ramifications of the Surfline blood-letting have now been laid bare in the post-Carroll era with a horrifyingly tone-deaf post on Instagram, a post that would never have seen the light of day, as they say, if Carroll was still behind the wheel.

A by-product of TC Alfred has been the lighting up of novelty waves inside harbours, rivermouths and so on. The surf media has, historically, taken a light hand to running photos or video of these waves, most of ‘em rare and guarded by a strict code of localism.

So when one of the best harbour waves in the country was presented by Surfline on Instagram, surfers reacted with horror.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Surfline Australia (@surfline_aus)

Social media and Surfline ruined surfing.

You guys need an ethical policy. Give ups! How do you treat your mates when they get trouble? Filthy. Broken a basic rule yet you pretend to be a surf site

another local spot falls victim to surfline

I hate Surfline

kooks

Crowd will get even worse now

When one local surfer Wayne Curtis complained, Thanks, surfline 80 guys out by the afternoon. I just love social media, a light imbroglio followed.

Surfline replied, This is from a few days ago, mate. We waited till everyone had their fill.

Which seemed a fine riposte until the curtain of lies was ripped back by a local surfer.

it wasn’t breaking a few days ago. Yesterday at the earliest. Love the overexposure

And,

no one’s falling for your bs

Piss off, wait a week you nobs

Other local surfers pointed out the negatives of the wave.

Filthy water, bits of metal on the bottom, razor sharp oysters on the rocks, bull sharks, great white sharks and floating dog turds. Otherwise it’s paradise. Good to see Jacko didn’t follow the other sheep to the Goldy and charged this hectic slab instead.

The thing with this spot is everyone knows everyone so if you are not from the area there’s next to no chance of getting a good one. Plus this size is not even worth it!

 

 

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