"This fella would literally run you over with the ski..."

Most surfers of a certain age were raised on diet of surf mags that celebrated going hard, rooting “chicks,” rude surf wear that was 85.8% covered in logos from 4 different companies and of course, hating bodyboarders.

Now I personally never really thought about why I hated Boogers. It just was so sub-consciously ingrained. It certainly didn’t help the cause that the only one I ever knew growing up was a weird dork. Sure there was certain mostly true stereotypes of pre-pubescent skinny 12 year olds doing 5x lame 360’s on soft shoulders, but there just weren’t many in my world.

As a weak minded feeble teenager surfer not looking to stand out from the crowd due to the fear of some naked hazing ritual in the carpark, it was just easier to roll with the pack. Hating Boogers, pretending to like ciggies and laughing at the older local heroes lame jokes was the safest way to navigate those testosterone fueled years of the early 90’s

My first real exposure to our flippered friends was seeing one free falling 15 meters inside the pack wave after wave into some throaty death barrels on an Indonesian reef break. Instant respect in my mind as the rest of us quivered on the shoulder on our 7 foot plus guns.

But you know who didn’t roll with the pack? Boogers. Way too busy quietly pioneering death barrels over nutty rock ledges while we chased long point breaks.

Boring perfection they just had zero interest in.

Just like surfers being late to the party at said slabs, we’re late to finding this absolutely hilarious yarn from New Zealand bodyboarder Sam Wells about a run in with a local stand up enforcer on a jet ski.

It’s from the equally hilarious Podcast from a couple of my southern brothers The Fumanswoo Podcast. Well worth a listen and maybe even a like and subscribe if you want to hear more about bodyboarders dissing Nate Florence for being a sissy boy scared of dirty water, mid-lenghth surfboard advice, circle jerks, more WSL moaning than here, group didgeridoo sexual intercourse sessions and general peeping-tom behaviour from our lay down friends.

Oh and dirty Wendy chit chat.

Good old Wendy.

"New management, along with ownership, is leaning into a 'surfer first' strategy...."

Three years ago, I embarked upon an epic quest across these United States in search of the mythical non-surfing World Surf League fan. The global home of surfing had, since its inception in 2015 circa 1976, been tailoring its product to that audience and I felt it was my duty, as a surf journalist, to discover one. Beginning in Cardiff by the Sea, I drove to Albuquerque, New Mexico, where I did not find one. I broke down in Tucumcari, New Mexico, where I did not find one. I spent a night in Amarillo, Texas while waiting to get the car fixed, where I did not find one. I continued on to Oklahoma City where then-World Surf League CEO Erik Logan texted me that the legendary Sooner Boomer Barry Switzer was one and put me on a text chain with Switzer and his wife. It turned out that it was not, in fact, Switzer though was his wife who was not pleased and replied to Logan, me and the rando, “Totally strange. Stop all messages to me.”

After that it was Memphis, Tennessee where I did not find one then Nashville, Tennessee where I might have found one. I can’t really remember. No matter now, though, as the the World Surf League has officially abandoned the lot of them.

In a stunning LinkedIn message, the newly appointed Director of Athlete Relations Chris Heffner openly declared, I’m exciting to step in at a time when the League is shifting focus — no more chasing the mythical ‘surf fan’ that doesn’t surf.”

Wails of anguish could be heard rising up from Norman, Napersville and North Ogden.

Not finished twisting the knife, Heffner continued, “New management, along with ownership, is leaning into a ‘surfer first’ strategy…. and I’m here for it.”

Howls of sorrow could be heard rising up from Peoria, Pleasant Township and Pontiac.

Heffner went on to describe how this pivot has led to better partnerships with cooler brands… like Neutrogena, kicking Shiseido in the teeth once more.

But what do you make of all this? Are there enough surf fans who surf, on earth, to sustain the tour?

Currently more questions than anwers.