Did not see that coming.

Surfers are collectively gasping for air, this morning, trying to understand a re-ordered world. The shock win of Democratic-Socialist upstart Zohran Mamdani over the establishment pick Andrew Cuomo in the New York City mayoral primary is, of course, shaking the ground. Cuomo, despite being a heavy favorite leading up to election day and having the support of universally adored figures like Bill Clinton, Bill Ackman and Michael Bloomberg, got utterly trounced by the 33-year-old Ugandan-American, calling in his resignation just two hours after polls closed. It is being called the biggest upset in New York political history, and Mamdani will face off against current mayor Eric Adams and possibly Cuomo, once again, who is floating running as an independent in the fall.

Stunning but not why surfers are wheezing all bug-eyed en masse.

No, the cause of our bewilderment finds its root in Australia where its Time Out Magazine has just released its highly anticipated “world’s greatest surfing spots” list with Burleigh Heads, Bells Beach, Snapper and Margaret River all appearing in the top five over the traditional betting favorite Pipeline.

The complete list is thus:

1. Burleigh Heads, Australia
2. Malibu, United States
3. Bells Beach, Australia
4. Snapper Rocks, Australia
5. Margaret River, Australia
6. Pipeline, United States
7. Mentawai Islands, Indonesia
8. Tamarindo, Costa Rica
9. Tamarin Bay, Mauritius
10. Black Rocks, Mauritius.

While surfers tried to figure out how to approach the day with everything they thought they knew altered, Brazilians were busy writing death threats to send to Australia as no Brazilian waves, not even Saquarema, made an appearance.

At least some things will never change.

"The golden girls seeking hang-ten instruction in this scenario are old friends and contrasting personalities..."

If you happen to find yourself on America’s east coast, this summer, and are looking for some entertainment, it would be both cruel and rude to miss a night of arts. There are, of course, many options. Moulin Rouge: The Musical on New York’s Broadway, rock band Creed playing in Philadelphia or, best, a night at the theater in Washington D.C. for a staging of “Wipeout.”

The surf-based play, which premiered last year in Sacramento, explores themes of aging, death and trauma along with love and healing.

According to a review in Kelp Magazine:

Three retired life-long female friends (Claudia, Wynn, and Gary) are out on the water for their very first surf lesson from Blaze, their young hot surf instructor. As you can imagine, the play is hilarious and goofy in all the best ways, especially being set entirely in the open water. The “surfing” was ingenuously captured by placing the actors on surfboard-shaped boards on wheels, allowing the actors to move up and down the stage and into each other just as one would do in the ocean.

Jeff Bezos organ The Washington Post, which reminds you that “Democracy Dies in Darkness,” further explains:

The golden girls seeking hang-ten instruction in this scenario are old friends and contrasting personalities whose reunion in Santa Cruz, California, simmers with charged memories and barbed banter. Gary (Katherine Cortez) is a firecracker of energy and enthusiasm. The oft-married Wynn (Delissa Reynolds) is prickly in a way that obviously masks inner pain. Claudia (Naomi Jacobson) is a high-strung and anxious type quick to see a shark in a piece of kelp. As 19-year-old surfer dude Blaze (Alec Ludacka) attempts to teach them how to shred, the trio contemplates aging, grapples with old hurt and memories, and experiences the bittersweet glories of friendship.

Characters pulled straight from below the line at BeachGrit (except for Blaze).

So, are you a Gary a Wynn or a Claudia?

Which one is Otto?

Discuss.

Wipeout is running through July 27. Buy tickets here.

Moral panic.

You may, or may not, know, but the World Surf League’s professional championship tour is currently in Brazil for the Rio Pro. Now, the Brazilian stop is not known for quality waves, a friendly time zone or generating interest outside Brazil and yet the WSL would never dare consider to scrub because Brazilian fans are that uniquely frothy. They pack the beach in droves, playing gold and green drums, puffing on gold and green horns, hooting, hollering, waving gold and green flags and making professional surfing appear, for the briefest of moments, as if it’s a real sport.

Or rather did pack the beach in droves.

Tuning in yesterday, the surf fan at home couldn’t help but be… underwhelmed. The Rio Pro kick-off seemed to be… lightly attended with a less-than-enthusiastic crowd. Most appeared to be staring into phones instead of the garbage waves on offer.

And now it has been revealed why.

Hyper-realistic baby dolls, known as “reborn dolls” have sparked moral panic in the country according to local media, sucking all the oxygen out of the room, leaving no time for interest in professional surfing. The life-like figurines have dominated the national conversation with the pro-reborn and anti-reborn communities clashing. Around 30 bills have been introduced for legislation, including “proposals to ban the dolls from receiving public healthcare or to prohibit collectors from using them to claim priority in queues for public services.”

The Guardian adds:

Videos of collectors bathing their dolls, tucking them into bed or pushing them in prams spread widely across social media – often accompanied by critical commentary or ridicule, such as a satirical rap song encouraging people to kick the dolls in the street.

The controversy reached a disturbing peak on 6 June, when a man slapped a four-month-old baby on the head, claiming he had mistaken the infant for one of the dolls. He is out on bail, and the baby is reportedly doing well.

And, again, it is all anyone in the land of order and progress is talking about. Not Griffin Colapinto, not Crosby Colapinto, not even Italo Ferreira and li’l Martin.

The reborn doll brouhaha shows no sign of dying down soon, certainly not during the Rio Pro waiting period, leaving the World Surf League sad and hurt.

Light a candle, please.