Haz Bryant says, "The best beachbreak I've ever seen."
A little earlier today I was browsing the pages of reddit, examining various responses to the question: where’s the best, and cheapest, surf town to live?
A lot of pretty crummy responses, I thought, enough to give me that familiar scornful trembling of the nostrils: Maine, Humboldt County, Florida and so on, a result of the US-centric nature of the respondents.
Costa Rica swings in, which ain’t a bad choice, but no one hit on the obvious choice: Australia’s King Island. Here, a man can wear simple clothes, live off the land, eat many lobster pies from the bakery, surf with zero people in the water, taunt tourists with Great White stories, have little fires on the beach, drink himself to death or go mad from isolation all while being a short flight from the chaos of Melbourne.
Epic, yes?
And, if you’ll let me take you back four months, just listed, then, was 500 acres of beachfront land fronting wave made famous by Kelly Slater and for sale, then, for around one million American dollars.
That’s roughly, one mile long by a thousand yards wide.
The spiel was compelling. Build a mini-city of cabins, live off the proceeds.
“This property isn’t just about today’s escape — it’s about tomorrow’s vision. Whether you imagine building a substantial coastal residence (approved house plans have previously been held), expanding with additional eco-friendly cabins (STCA) or creating a pioneering eco-tourism venture, the sheer scale of this land allows you to dream big.”
A Tale of Sodom/Salo
As I wrote at the time, at the turn of the century I ran PR for Red Bull for an ill-fated big-wave event that promised so much, the greatest collection of big-wave surfers ever including RCJ, Peter Mel, Noah Johnson and so on, but delivered only the sort of carousing you might find in Salo or in the tale of Sodom.
I’ve never heard the words, “She wants a threesome” whispered into my ear so many times, the women purring like kettles on the boil although I left without one droplet of blood on my muzzle.
Subsequent trips to King Island by various surf medias revealed a stunning A-frame beach break called Marthas, which your new parcel of land fronts. Kelly Slater thrilled to it in 2001 and, recently-ish, John John Florence.
Harry Bryant went on a holiday there and said it was very cold but he had some of the best waves he’d ever seen in his brief-ish life.
Craig Anderson got Marthas real good.
Anyway, the land parcel has so far failed, even at the miserly sum of 900k American dollars.
Is this you?
Click to examine the parcel of land and off-grid tiny house.
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sounds like the perfect place for a creepy M. Night Shyamalan film scenario.
Lovely island with incredible neighbors welcomes “The Newcomer” surf stud/author who soon ends up being seduced by succubus and impregnates the hot Fishermans daughter, then becomes the offering to an ancient Sea God Kracken like thing in some bizarre annual Calypso Cult.
here’s a practical idea….get 10 people to chip in and buy the 500 acres…..$1.5m AUD….so now each person has 50 acres…bring in a self sufficient Tiny home landed @ $150K…..$50 K each for infrastructure like roads…..so now ya have 50 acres/tiny off grid home for $350 AUD or about $ $275 USD…not bad eh?
if we go with your plan, can we keep the Calypso celebration?
In some tales, Calypso was the sister of Circe….so i guess we’d have to invite Chas.
Brilliant
Starring Sean Connery
This would be Sean’s timeline on King Island-
– Sean buys property
– Sean gets building approval for a array of tiny homes for off the grid Air B and B living
– Sean hires a local builder
– Builder shows up whenever he wants. Some weeks 2 days other weeks 4 days. Never a 5 day week.
– Project starts taking way longer than he expected
– Sean starts drinking too much
– Project continues at a snails pace as Sean starts worrying about money
– Surfs good but Sean has no interest untill project is done
– Project continues
– Sean starts hooking up with a local yocal.
– Local yocal gets pregnant
– Sean still hasnt surfed
– Sean’s heavy drinking becomes a point of contempt with pregnant girlfriend
– Sean sells remaining boards and other possessions to keep dream alive.
– Girlfriend gives birth
– Girlfriend gives Sean one last chance.
– Sean blows it
– Sean’s project comes to halt as he runs out of money
– Sean’s girlfriend has had enough and leaves king island with baby to live near family in Melbourne
– Sean gets job working for said builder laboring while living in 1/2 finished tiny home.
– Sean still hasnt quit drinking
– Sean still hasn’t surfed
– Sean throws in towel and moves to melbourne to be closer to his new grom while trying to quit the drink.
– Sean decides the dream is over, needs the money and is going to sell the land. That was 6 months ago. Still no offers.
– The end.
Sean realizes has to build himself
Sean dreams of meeting local female, but there are none
Sean paints volleyball to look like Taylor Swift
Sean builds fire on beach with random twigs and eats Dinty Moore Beef Stew straight from can
Sean realizes he has to build his own airport to support air b n b dream
Sean punctures volleyball and injures dick
Sean returns to the mainland to recruit Bryant and Anderson to return so Sean can film and sell parcels to despo seppos who can’t imagine an empty peak
Sean is declined, no one that has surfed there has any interest in returning
Sean runs out of money and is living feral off the land
Seans corpse is found 1400 years later when archeologists search for forgotten seagull skeletons
Hahahaha fucking brilliant mate
Haha love it. But…if Sean runs outta money and can’t pay the builder, how does the builder pay Sean for his labouring work?
Good question Stan. The builder took great pitty on Sean. Fortunately builder had a couple other smaller projects that kept him going. Sean agreed to work for pennies till debt was re-payed. Although Sean made some poor choices in life deep down he was an honest man.
I guess the other smaller projects were the reason why the builder couldn’t work more than 4 days a week. Thus, perhaps the developers on those other projects sent bust too? Wouldn’t that result in the builder going bust?
Moral of the story: there ain’t no King on King Island!
so, one peak?
I prefer twin peaks
Can I trust all you boys on here to keep a secret? OK well theres a pretty decent bank forming from Snapper, through Rainbow, Greenmount and Cooley and down to Kirra. Keep it on the down low though cuz I would hate to see it getting too crowded ssshhhhhhhhh
it’s a shithole DR.
that’s a sandfly infested piece of coastal dune with a wave in front that breaks 2 or 3 times a year.
Now the King Island dairy cheese room is shutting there’s no reason to go there.
That’s right phoakes it’s a windy shithole where golfers roam free…bring a shottie
Real difficult to get skin cancer down there. Traffic also very light.
I sincerely fucking hope that all my mates, like me, stay the fuck silent about where we live. And it’ll stay the bestest, cheapest surf spot to live. Without fuckwits coming here and gentrifying the fuck out of it.
For the people who stick their home spot all over the internet and talk it up for likes, clicks, and “traction”, whatever the fuck that means in the digital space, you deserve what you get.
A house in Cronulla was $50k 50 years ago. Same places go for $5 mill these days. Stay silent BG brethren. Live quiet and enjoy quiet.
How’s the banks at St Kilda anyway?
Brighton mate Brighton. Le Sands.