Italo Ferreira's 8.67 in the final heat of the day. It's a real pet peeve of mine, when the judges reward a guy for pumping past a bunch of sections before boosting at the end. It was a magnificent air, to be sure, but I can't help but feel there was more than 1.33 between what Italo did and actually surfing the wave to perfection. | Photo: WSL

Day 1, Portugal: “Elves Can’t Ride Star Ships!”

Rory Parker's searching analysis from day one of the Moe Rip Curl Pro…

Day one, round one, Peniche Pro, Portugal is in the history books. Theoretically. Not much went down that could actually end up in one.

Good surf. Not great, but still damn rippable. Plenty of punchy air sections, the occasional solid little drainer. I know I’m spoiled living in Hawaii. Doesn’t really look all that inviting to me. But it’d be all time for most of you poor fuckers.

My alcohol-fueled dreams are typically pretty strange. Last night was no exception. Elves can’t ride on star ships, apparently. My subconscious mind was very concerned by that. Had to evacuate the planet. But we couldn’t bring the elves. There was more to it, but I’ve only been up for a few minutes and already the details are slipping away…

Peniche time is eleven hours ahead of Kauai time, so the heats ran while I was locked into a drunken slumber. My alcohol-fueled dreams are typically pretty strange. Last night was no exception. Elves can’t ride on star ships, apparently. My subconscious mind was very concerned by that. Had to evacuate the planet. But we couldn’t bring the elves. There was more to it, but I’ve only been up for a few minutes and already the details are slipping away…

My mild hangover doesn’t mesh well with wading through the entire day. That’s a lot of surfing. Twelve damn heats. So I’ll just cherry pick some highlights. In no particular order.

First off, the two men battling for the title both took a round one loss. Terrible for a campaign that’s coming down to the wire.

Medina got spanked by a wildcard. Grabbed two solid scores to start the heat and grab the lead, but wasn’t able to improve on either wave. He tried, heaved his carcass off the lip of a few solid sections. But just couldn’t land it.

Huge result for Frederico Morais. Not good for Gabby. He faces Callinan in round two, which should be a walk-through for the Brazilian. But you never really know. Everyone on tour rips, and winning often requires a little luck.

John John didn’t do much better. Rosy says he could possibly win the title at this event. I’ll take her word for it. Anything that spills from those honeyed lips must be true.

The tow-head kid from Hawaii surfed like shit. By his standards. One of those sessions where you just…forget how to ride a wave. Stance slightly off, out of rhythm, falling on standard turns.

I mean, I’d killed someone, literally, to surf as well as JJ on an off day. But it still landed him in third place, with Jadson Andre and the events second wild card, Miguel Blanco, standing on his head.

John John meets Blanco again in round two. Like with Medina/Callinan, it should be an easy win for the current tour leader. But wild cards are scary draws. Love to play spoilers. Crush dreams.

Wilko continued his slow slide to the bottom. Abysmal showing against Callinan and Pupo.

Wilko’s up against Flores in round two. If he surfs the way he did in round one it’ll be an easy victory for the Frenchman. And Flores desperately needs a good result. Without one, maybe two, he’ll be gone next year. I think. As I’ve stated many times, math is hard when you don’t want to bother with it.

Is it even possible for Flores to re-qualify? Can someone tell me?

Slater easily dispatched Stu Kennedy and Banting with a sick forehand full roter to flats stomp. Followed it up with a gorgeous backside pig-dog drainer. Came out with the mini ‘poof’ spit. Kelly’s still got the gift, even if it doesn’t show up as often as it used to.

Speaking of gifts, the wife’s birthday is just around the corner. Always a stressful time for me, because I can’t learn a lesson. Each year she tells me what she wants, but I insist on wasting hours poring over the million options I can surprise her with. Without fail she says, “But I wanted x.

This year will be different. She’s getting exactly what she asked for. A three day stay-cation at one of the cabins in Kokee, plus one other thing. I’m also toying with the idea of picking up one of the make-your-own-dildo kits off Amazon. I get a real kick out of the idea of a black replica of my dong. But if I’m being totally honest I’m one hundred percent positive that the thing will eventually end up in my ass. I’m more than comfortable enough with my own sexuality to handle that, but I’m also dead certain that she’d eventually get wasted at a dinner party and tell everyone that she fucks me with my own cock. Which would be awkward, I think.

One neat moment was Alejo Muniz’s kerrupt flip, a poorly named maneuver if there ever was one, against none other than Kerrzy himself.

I get a real kick out of the idea of a black replica of my dong. But if I’m being totally honest I’m one hundred percent positive that the thing will eventually end up in my ass. I’m more than comfortable enough with my own sexuality to handle that, but I’m also dead certain that she’d eventually get wasted at a dinner party and tell everyone that she fucks me with my own cock.

It may have been the heat of the day. While Ace Buchan struggled to find a score, Kerr and Muniz went back and forth with some very good surfing. Kerr ended up with an 8.33 for a safety grab frontside 360 aerial and a 7.57 for a fairly deep, but fairly quick, backhand tube.

Muniz came at him with the aforementioned kerrupt, which he linked into a snap, for a 7.83. Then a frontside blow-tail frontside grab rev for 7.93.

Very close heat. Kerr snagged the ‘w’ by .14. Personally, I’d’ve gone the other way. I really like it when a guy lands a decent air and keeps surfing, rather than banging off the end section. I think that should add a bit to the score. Not a huge amount, but enough that Muniz would’ve skipped round two.

My opinion may be colored by the fact that I can’t even fathom throwing an alley-oop while grabbing kerrupt. My joints scream just thinking about it. But there was once a time when I could throw frontside revs until the cows came home. Hardly ever actually landed them, but I can envision doing so.

One last moment worth mentioning, Italo Ferreira’s 8.67 in the final heat of the day. It’s a real pet peeve of mine, when the judges reward a guy for pumping past a bunch of sections before boosting at the end. It was a magnificent air, to be sure, but I can’t help but feel there was more than 1.33 between what Italo did and actually surfing the wave to perfection. Italo’s on my fantasy team, though, so I’m not too bothered.

All in all, a decent day of surfing. Swell forecast shows a little bump on the way. Hopefully tomorrow, or twelve hours from now, really, it’ll be even better.


Who thought Kelly had made a grave error of judgement by turning up to surf three-foot, low-tide, closing out Supertubos? | Photo: WSL

Watch: Kelly Slater’s Nine Pointer!

Daddy swings doors on the opening day of the Rip Curl Pro, Portugal!

Legacy means something to me. And, so, every time I see Kelly Slater in that little plywood locker room getting ready for a heat in Europe and it’s not eight feet, oh, my lips just turn down. I can imagine the embarrassed smiles as kids give the old man the once over then turn away with a dismissive flick of their locks.

Every year, the organisation upon whose success he is almost solely responsible for, sends out their champ in conditions that’d have a grommet event looking around for options: France, with an outgoing tide tearing through a two-foot lineup; Portugal, high-tide and weak. A malevolent drain on a master’s magic.,

And earlier today on the opening day of the Moe Rip Curl Pro Portugal?

Three-foot closeouts so difficult, Filipe Toledo caught fourteen waves and couldn’t land a thing. So when Kelly paddles out among the strewn round one corpses of John John Florence (beaten by Jadson Andre), Julian Wilson (beaten by Kai Otton), Wilko (beaten by Miguel Pupo), Gabriel Medina (beaten by Frederico Morais) and Filipe Toledo (Wiggolly Dantas), well, you’d hope he had enough beige foundation at home to cover the inevitable bruises.

And, then, this. I was so impressed I thought I might spontaneously explode.

“I was trying to find a peak down to the South I thought I saw a couple rights, I pulled in a couple of barrels on my first three waves but I realized this wasn’t going to work unless it was a straight peak and no wall,” said Kelly. “Then I saw that right and knew there wasn’t much in it except for an air so I took as much speed as I could and hit it as late as I could and that one stuck. I took a few days for myself in France and feel relaxed now.”

Daddy’s nine-pointer!

Watch the post-show here!

Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Kai Otton (AUS) 12.43, Nat Young (USA) 11.77, Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.40
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.76, Keanu Asing (HAW) 9.94, Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 7.23
Heat 3: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 12.30, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 11.94, Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 11.37
Heat 4: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 14.34, Ryan Callinan (AUS) 13.20, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 7.63
Heat 5: Frederico Morais (PRT) 11.37, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 9.76, Conner Coffin (USA) 8.03
Heat 6: Jadson Andre (BRA) 13.20, Miguel Blanco (PRT) 11.17, John John Florence (HAW) 9.94
Heat 7: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 10.94, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 9.53, Adam Melling (AUS) 8.00
Heat 8: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.83, Matt Banting (AUS) 10.77, Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 9.63
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.90, Alejo Muniz (BRA) 15.76, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 7.84
Heat 10: Adriano De Souza (BRA) 14.17, Jack Freestone (AUS) 13.50, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 11.24
Heat 11: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 14.83, Davey Cathels (AUS) 12.66, Michel Bourez (PYF) 10.66
Heat 12: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.00, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.83, Dusty Payne (HAW) 12.27

Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 2 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Miguel Blanco (PRT)
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 3: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 6: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)
Heat 7: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 8: Michel Bourez (PYF) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Heat 9: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Davey Cathels (AUS)
Heat 10: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 11: Nat Young (USA) vs. Conner Coffin (USA)
Heat 12: Keanu Asing (HAW) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)


Update: My fingers are so crossed!

I just sent my resume in to be Paul Speaker's number one!

Sooooooooo yesterday I was sent the job description for my DREAM JOB!

The EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT to CEO of WORLD SURF LEAGUE.

Do you even know who that is? Do you?

Paul Speaker!

PAUL MOTHERFUCKING SPEAKER!

I was so nervous, so excited, so pulsing with energy that I couldn’t even write my application until this morning.

I woke up, poured a stiff mug of black coffee and thought about my resume.

Chas Smith

2014-present BeachGrit co-founder/etc.

2004-2014 ???? some international travel etc.

1998-1998 Disneyland submarine driver

Good, no? But missing something. It has been a while since I went to a job interview but don’t they ask for your strengths? Should I put that on my resume?

Strengths:

-Good with Ron Dog Blakey Joe Turpel.

-Wears good shoes.

-Speaks Pottz semi-fluently.

Yeah. No? But don’t they also ask you weaknesses too? Ok.

Weaknesses:

-I care too much.

-I work too hard.

-I am too passionate about my work.

-I think Teahupo’o breaks in 6 inches of water and Kelly Slater is a billionaire.

Perfect. Resume 101 make your strengths your weaknesses. Am I right?

What else?

Oh! A reference!

Ummmmmmmmmm….

Eddie Rothman. 

Sent!

I am going to sit by the mailbox until my congratulations letter comes!


Water safety meeting.

Help, Doc! I’ve got the rage!

A New Zealand psychologist seeks to discover cure for surf rage. Come be surprised by his (wrong) analysis!

Do you get surf raged? When you are out in the lineup and about to take off of a beaut but there is someone there, taking off too and in front of you but not looking back? Do you ride up behind him and scream…

…FUCK YOU!

In to his ear? And shoot your board at the back of his head? Or do you let it go because there is always another?

If you are the former then a New Zealand PhD is going to solve your problems! Let’s read about him?

An academic study into surf rage will likely find it’s motivated by water safety than bad blood, one of New Zealand’s top surfers says.

Raglan resident and former national champ Daniel Kereopa said fist fights weren’t a big problem here and most local surfers were  out to inform rather than fight.

“Seventy per cent of the surfers out there don’t really know how to surf that well and they’re actually putting themselves in danger. They surf waves beyond their ability or get themselves into bad positions,” he said.

“The locals are the ones who surf here most often so they understand the dangers, so what it boils down to in the end is water safety.

And do you agree that the cause of surf rage is likely water safety? I am no PhD but think that the cause is that surfers are buttheads. And selfishness. And too many people too few waves. Etc.


It a match made in heaven!

So long you BeachGrit bastards!

I've got a new job!

Oh I’ve never been more thrilled at the possibility of a new job. Never! EVER! EVER! I am so thrilled that is is even hard for me to breathe right now. I’ve got a paper bag in my hand and I am STILL hyper-ventilating. Whhhooooo… Whhheeeee… Whhhhooooo… Whhhhheeeee…

Ok. Are you ready? Promise me you won’t slot your application in first? Promise you’ll just be happy for me and not get all hatey? Promise?

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok………….

The World Surf League is hiring…

Whhhhooooo.

Whhheeeeee.

For.

Whhhhoooooo.

MY!

DREAM!

CAREER!

WHHHHHHOOOOOOO! WHHHHHEEEEEEE!

The executive assistant to the CEO.

Paul Speaker! PAUL MOTHERFUCKING SPEAKER!

Do you want to see my job description?

screen-shot-2016-10-17-at-5-01-10-pm I can manage your needs, Paul Speaker baby. I can support you full time. I’m tech savvy and am totally avails on weekends. I can manage off-site meetings. I… I… I… can make your heavy travel itinerary seem like a fun li’l dance. And if you’re ever tired after a long day of….. ummmm… dealing with Samsung or whatever I can give you a neck rub. Just rubbing your neck with my hands and some WSL branded coconut oil (let’s totally brand some coconut oil!) and relaxing you…..

I AM YOUR MAN!

Just like you are mine.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

whhooooo…

whhheeeee…

xoxoxoxo