Kelly Slater Portugal
Who thought Kelly had made a grave error of judgement by turning up to surf three-foot, low-tide, closing out Supertubos? | Photo: WSL

Watch: Kelly Slater’s Nine Pointer!

Derek Rielly

By Derek Rielly

Daddy swings doors on the opening day of the Rip Curl Pro, Portugal!

Legacy means something to me. And, so, every time I see Kelly Slater in that little plywood locker room getting ready for a heat in Europe and it’s not eight feet, oh, my lips just turn down. I can imagine the embarrassed smiles as kids give the old man the once over then turn away with a dismissive flick of their locks.

Every year, the organisation upon whose success he is almost solely responsible for, sends out their champ in conditions that’d have a grommet event looking around for options: France, with an outgoing tide tearing through a two-foot lineup; Portugal, high-tide and weak. A malevolent drain on a master’s magic.,

And earlier today on the opening day of the Moe Rip Curl Pro Portugal?

Three-foot closeouts so difficult, Filipe Toledo caught fourteen waves and couldn’t land a thing. So when Kelly paddles out among the strewn round one corpses of John John Florence (beaten by Jadson Andre), Julian Wilson (beaten by Kai Otton), Wilko (beaten by Miguel Pupo), Gabriel Medina (beaten by Frederico Morais) and Filipe Toledo (Wiggolly Dantas), well, you’d hope he had enough beige foundation at home to cover the inevitable bruises.

And, then, this. I was so impressed I thought I might spontaneously explode.

“I was trying to find a peak down to the South I thought I saw a couple rights, I pulled in a couple of barrels on my first three waves but I realized this wasn’t going to work unless it was a straight peak and no wall,” said Kelly. “Then I saw that right and knew there wasn’t much in it except for an air so I took as much speed as I could and hit it as late as I could and that one stuck. I took a few days for myself in France and feel relaxed now.”

Daddy’s nine-pointer!

Watch the post-show here!

Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 1 Results:
Heat 1: Kai Otton (AUS) 12.43, Nat Young (USA) 11.77, Julian Wilson (AUS) 11.40
Heat 2: Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.76, Keanu Asing (HAW) 9.94, Alex Ribeiro (BRA) 7.23
Heat 3: Jordy Smith (ZAF) 12.30, Jeremy Flores (FRA) 11.94, Kanoa Igarashi (USA) 11.37
Heat 4: Miguel Pupo (BRA) 14.34, Ryan Callinan (AUS) 13.20, Matt Wilkinson (AUS) 7.63
Heat 5: Frederico Morais (PRT) 11.37, Gabriel Medina (BRA) 9.76, Conner Coffin (USA) 8.03
Heat 6: Jadson Andre (BRA) 13.20, Miguel Blanco (PRT) 11.17, John John Florence (HAW) 9.94
Heat 7: Wiggolly Dantas (BRA) 10.94, Filipe Toledo (BRA) 9.53, Adam Melling (AUS) 8.00
Heat 8: Kelly Slater (USA) 15.83, Matt Banting (AUS) 10.77, Stuart Kennedy (AUS) 9.63
Heat 9: Josh Kerr (AUS) 15.90, Alejo Muniz (BRA) 15.76, Adrian Buchan (AUS) 7.84
Heat 10: Adriano De Souza (BRA) 14.17, Jack Freestone (AUS) 13.50, Caio Ibelli (BRA) 11.24
Heat 11: Joel Parkinson (AUS) 14.83, Davey Cathels (AUS) 12.66, Michel Bourez (PYF) 10.66
Heat 12: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 15.00, Sebastian Zietz (HAW) 14.83, Dusty Payne (HAW) 12.27

Meo Rip Curl Pro Portugal Round 2 Match-Ups:
Heat 1: John John Florence (HAW) vs. Miguel Blanco (PRT)
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 3: Matt Wilkinson (AUS) vs. Jeremy Flores (FRA)
Heat 4: Julian Wilson (AUS) vs. Alex Ribeiro (BRA)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Adam Melling (AUS)
Heat 6: Adrian Buchan (AUS) vs. Matt Banting (AUS)
Heat 7: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Alejo Muniz (BRA)
Heat 8: Michel Bourez (PYF) vs. Jack Freestone (AUS)
Heat 9: Caio Ibelli (BRA) vs. Davey Cathels (AUS)
Heat 10: Stuart Kennedy (AUS) vs. Dusty Payne (HAW)
Heat 11: Nat Young (USA) vs. Conner Coffin (USA)
Heat 12: Keanu Asing (HAW) vs. Kanoa Igarashi (USA)

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Update: My fingers are so crossed!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

I just sent my resume in to be Paul Speaker's number one!

Sooooooooo yesterday I was sent the job description for my DREAM JOB!

The EXECUTIVE ASSISTANT to CEO of WORLD SURF LEAGUE.

Do you even know who that is? Do you?

Paul Speaker!

PAUL MOTHERFUCKING SPEAKER!

I was so nervous, so excited, so pulsing with energy that I couldn’t even write my application until this morning.

I woke up, poured a stiff mug of black coffee and thought about my resume.

Chas Smith

2014-present BeachGrit co-founder/etc.

2004-2014 ???? some international travel etc.

1998-1998 Disneyland submarine driver

Good, no? But missing something. It has been a while since I went to a job interview but don’t they ask for your strengths? Should I put that on my resume?

Strengths:

-Good with Ron Dog Blakey Joe Turpel.

-Wears good shoes.

-Speaks Pottz semi-fluently.

Yeah. No? But don’t they also ask you weaknesses too? Ok.

Weaknesses:

-I care too much.

-I work too hard.

-I am too passionate about my work.

-I think Teahupo’o breaks in 6 inches of water and Kelly Slater is a billionaire.

Perfect. Resume 101 make your strengths your weaknesses. Am I right?

What else?

Oh! A reference!

Ummmmmmmmmm….

Eddie Rothman. 

Sent!

I am going to sit by the mailbox until my congratulations letter comes!

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Water safety meeting.
Water safety meeting.

Help, Doc! I’ve got the rage!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

A New Zealand psychologist seeks to discover cure for surf rage. Come be surprised by his (wrong) analysis!

Do you get surf raged? When you are out in the lineup and about to take off of a beaut but there is someone there, taking off too and in front of you but not looking back? Do you ride up behind him and scream…

…FUCK YOU!

In to his ear? And shoot your board at the back of his head? Or do you let it go because there is always another?

If you are the former then a New Zealand PhD is going to solve your problems! Let’s read about him?

An academic study into surf rage will likely find it’s motivated by water safety than bad blood, one of New Zealand’s top surfers says.

Raglan resident and former national champ Daniel Kereopa said fist fights weren’t a big problem here and most local surfers were  out to inform rather than fight.

“Seventy per cent of the surfers out there don’t really know how to surf that well and they’re actually putting themselves in danger. They surf waves beyond their ability or get themselves into bad positions,” he said.

“The locals are the ones who surf here most often so they understand the dangers, so what it boils down to in the end is water safety.

And do you agree that the cause of surf rage is likely water safety? I am no PhD but think that the cause is that surfers are buttheads. And selfishness. And too many people too few waves. Etc.

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It a match made in heaven!
It a match made in heaven!

So long you BeachGrit bastards!

Chas Smith

By Chas Smith

I've got a new job!

Oh I’ve never been more thrilled at the possibility of a new job. Never! EVER! EVER! I am so thrilled that is is even hard for me to breathe right now. I’ve got a paper bag in my hand and I am STILL hyper-ventilating. Whhhooooo… Whhheeeee… Whhhhooooo… Whhhhheeeee…

Ok. Are you ready? Promise me you won’t slot your application in first? Promise you’ll just be happy for me and not get all hatey? Promise?

Ok ok ok ok ok ok ok ok………….

The World Surf League is hiring…

Whhhhooooo.

Whhheeeeee.

For.

Whhhhoooooo.

MY!

DREAM!

CAREER!

WHHHHHHOOOOOOO! WHHHHHEEEEEEE!

The executive assistant to the CEO.

Paul Speaker! PAUL MOTHERFUCKING SPEAKER!

Do you want to see my job description?

screen-shot-2016-10-17-at-5-01-10-pm I can manage your needs, Paul Speaker baby. I can support you full time. I’m tech savvy and am totally avails on weekends. I can manage off-site meetings. I… I… I… can make your heavy travel itinerary seem like a fun li’l dance. And if you’re ever tired after a long day of….. ummmm… dealing with Samsung or whatever I can give you a neck rub. Just rubbing your neck with my hands and some WSL branded coconut oil (let’s totally brand some coconut oil!) and relaxing you…..

I AM YOUR MAN!

Just like you are mine.

xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

whhooooo…

whhheeeee…

xoxoxoxo

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John John Florence
John John surfs with an impressive, leisurely dignity while dismembering everything around him. | Photo: WSL

Parker: “Rip Curl Pro Grabbed My Pussy!”

Rory Parker

By Rory Parker

The noted Rory Parker's fantasy surfer picks for the Rip Curl Pro, Portugal.

Holy shit, Portugal’s almost here. You could say it snuck up on me and grabbed my pussy. Shocking. But thrilling. Maybe I’m into this shit. Got a new kink.

Twelve hours before the comp starts and I’m scratching to get my terrible fantasy surfer team together. No clue what I’m doing. Business as usual. I should be on it, went on Lipped, the fantasy surfing podcast, last Friday. They do them before events, should’ve clued me in. But it didn’t. Fits in with my generally oblivious nature. You should listen. I killed it.

My mad dash means my picks may be even worse than usual this event. If that’s possible. My coffee maker broke this morning because I’m a tightwad and bought the cheapest one Walmart had on the shelf. I need my morning java to get my brain going. Tried boiling some up on the stovetop. It’s terrible. But I’m choking it down nonetheless because I’m addicted to caffeine.

Tier A:

John John Florence: Double John’s on his way to the title. He’s dialed in the time and place for various approaches- Surf’s safe and makes heats, goes hard and pushes limits when he needs to.

Gabriel Medina: Gabi wants another title soooooo bad. He’ll do whatever it takes to win. I, honestly, won’t be surprised if Charlie goes full Tonya Harding on John John.

Regardless, he always finds scores, makes heats. Solid, smart pick that you just can’t ignore. You can gamble on a shocker, choose someone other than him and JJ, but that’s a recipe for lost points.

Tier B:

Italian Ferrari: Italo’s always a solid workhorse pick. He’s had a few shit results this year, but I believe in him. He’ll make round five, at least, add some points to my total.

Ace Buchan: If the surf sucks he’ll be out in round three. If Peniche delivers some solid tubes, and it could, he’s a top notch choice. Ace is a tube hound non-pariel.

Adriano de Souza: Post-title slump aside, ADS is always an intelligent addition. If the surf doesn’t cooperate he’ll be a nightmare draw. If it turns on he’ll still surf safe and smart and make heats.

Joel Parkinson: I really really really wanted to pick Keanu. I did! But I just don’t think he’ll be able to repeat France. It’s a dick thing to say, and I desperately hope I’m wrong, but he wouldn’t be the first guy to find one huge result and never back it up again. Parko gets the nod for no real reason at all, other than the fact that he’s demonstrated an ability to find consistent results over the course of his fifteen, or so, year long career.

Tier C:

Kai Otton: A solid quarter-final result at France gives me hope for Kai. He’s hanging around below the cutoff, this will probably be his last year on tour, and I’m hoping that’s a recipe for a big ol’ successful cup of I-don’t-give-a-fuck confidence.

Jeremy Flores: I’m an idiot who can’t learn a lesson. Flores either does very well, or very poorly. I’m hoping for the former. Expecting the latter. Maybe I’ll get lucky and make up some points from my abysmal early season string of failures.

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Photo: Justin Jay/@justinjayphoto
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