Conner Coffin stands tall even whilst holding the weight of Kieren Perrow's decision making on shoulders.
Conner Coffin stands tall even whilst holding the weight of Kieren Perrow's decision making on shoulders. | Photo: Steve Sherman / @tsherms

WSL: “Throw Conner down the well!”

The World Surf League finds their scapegoat for an embarrassing day!

Have you had enough of the Humbling at Hossegor yet? Yesterday’s two heat, and two heat only, beginning to the Quiksilver France Pro? That forced two world champions into the losers ledger?

I haven’t!

Much of the commentary class was under the general impression that commissioner Kieren Perrow should not have called the contest on but also extended him a fair amount of grace. Still, people wondered why?

Why call it on only to call it off two measly heats later even if things were weird?

This morning the World Surf League found their scapegoat, throwing all blame at the just turned 23 year-old from Santa Barbara, California.

In a hastily penned press release the office of WSL CEO Paul Speaker declared:


Blame Conner.

When WSL officials were debating whether to run the Quiksilver Pro Tuesday morning at Hossegor, Conner Coffin stroked into this wave at Culs Nus. Coincidence or not, the event was called on a few minutes later. Unfortunately the conditions didn’t hold. Less than 30 minutes later the lineup was out of control, with a rising swell and dropping tide tearing things apart.

(Watch his damning wave here)

Do you think they will slap the young regular foot with a fine? Will he be suspended for baiting his superiors into a regrettable decision? Will he be kicked off tour entirely?

Is VP of WSL communications Dave Prodan in a French cowboy bar right now singing the song In My Country There is a Problem except exchanging Conner’s name?

In my country there is problem and that problem is the Conner. He take everybody heat and he never give it back

[Chorus 2:] Throw the Conner down the well (repeat line) So my WSL can be free (repeat line) You must grab him by his horns (repeat line) Then we have a big party (repeat line)

[Verse 3:] If you see the Conner coming You must be careful of his teeth. You must grab him by his money And I tell you what to do

[Chorus x2]

Watch: This Dazzling Quiksilver Pro short!

It defines the power struggle between the Young Prince, the Golden Child and The Big Man!

Surf contest shorts don’t usually get the crowd hollerin’. A wipeout here,  tube-ride there, maybe some kind of brazen Filipe Toledo air, and all cut to a generic guitar track. Enough to wet the tongue, not enough to emancipate real emotion.

Want to see something that radiates?

This thirty-second promo by the director and surfer Luke Farquhar, for Fox Sports, is perfect in its ability to define the power struggle between the Young Prince (whose fans adore his caterwauling over judging decisions that don’t swing his way), The Golden Child (who only enjoys revealing himself on his own terms) and The Big Man (the Adonis-Christ figure.)

The script, also written by the director, is painfully delivered by…uh… me, channelling, I hoped, Jacques Brel but sounding more like a dumb Australian murdering la langue d’amour.



Parker Coffin Nland surf park
Parker Coffin, the funnier though less pretty of the famous Coffin brothers, tore hell out of the Austin Wavegarden recently.

Texas Wavegarden Opens Friday!

Ninety bucks an hour to surf!

What a dazzle wavepools are. Yeah, I know, I read the comments, some of us aren’t so much into the hum and throb of ploughs mowing through a lagoon to make tidal-esque burgers. Where’s the magic of the ocean? The gradual unlocking of its secrets over a lifetime?

But if you live where there ain’t waves or you’re in the middle of two-week flat-spell, like me, they can’t come soon enough. And, for those who live near the Texas capital, Austin, you’re going to get waves, endless waves if you have the cash, come Friday, October 7.

The NLand surf park you might recall from the myriad stories we’ve written about it (here, here and hereOh! Here, too!) , has been funded by Doug Coors, yeah from the Colorado brewing family, and promises a hell of a good time.

It ain’t cheap, howevs, a legacy more, I’d presume, of the cost of setting up and running a Wavegarden than price gouging.

To ride NLand surf park will cost:

Sixty to ninety dollars for a one-hour session. Sixty gets you the Bay and Inside waves; Ninety for the Reef wave.

Bay and Inside waves are described thus: Playful white water waves ideal for new surfers and juniors. Pop up, ride and feel the rush of a wave beneath your feet for the first time. (Bay.) 

Welcome to our party wave. You and your friends can catch a long ride, learn to traverse and perfect your turns on the Inside Wave. (Inside.)

And this is the Reef: Our steep, high performance wave, with a 35-second ride, will delight top surfers and challenge those looking to up their game.

A coaching clinic will cost you between sixty-five to one hundred and ninety dollars for ninety minutes.

Land Surf park is twenty minutes from downtown Austin.

Click here to book. 


Morgan? Morgan Williamson? Are you there? It's me. And how you asked.
Morgan? Morgan Williamson? Are you there? It's me. And how you asked.

Austin: “Don’t forget that ten-gallon hat!”

The long-awaited N-Land Wavepark is finally ready to open!

Does it thrill you as much as it does me that Austin, Texas’s N-Land Wavegarden has cleared its legal hurdles and is set to come online this Friday? Read about it right here!

Stab magazine’s Morgan Williamson is very excited, writing:

Dear Texas, leave the boots and spurs at home, but for the love of god, don’t forget that ten-gallon hat!

What does he mean?

Does he mean like above?

Or maybe like this?


I have no idea! I have never really been in to cowboy kink.

Maybe this?


Morgan are you there? Help us help you!

Hossegor surfing

Recap: “The Humbling at Hossegor!”

No one's gonna say, "That Kieren Perrow's a real fucking kook."

Poor Kieren Perrow.

I often wonder how much control he has over the call to run.

Is he really the boss? Pouring over charts and agonizing. Or is he just the face of a decision someone else made?

Kieren’s an excellent choice for the latter. He’s a world class surfer, everyone likes him. Respects him. No one’s gonna say, “That Kieren Perrow’s a real fucking kook.”

But, man… did you see the pair of waves Double J-Eff and Conner Coffin snagged during the Dawn Patrol show? Whoooooo- ee! Pair of gems. Conner’s especially. No doubt ten during a heat. I immediately clicked over to fantasy surfer and popped him on my team. Sorry, Julian, you’ve gotta go. I know I’ve said I’ll suck your dick for magical powers, but that’s business. Fantasy Surfer is personal.

We saw the aforementioned two on back-to-back smokers, then the Commish came on and said he was waiting for later.

Only two heats ran yesterday, and they weren’t exactly great.

I hear it frequently, “(X-spot) is just like Hawaii.” French beach break is like Backdoor? I find that hard to believe. Backdoor is outright fucking terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the notion that sand bottom can come anywhere close.

But I could be wrong. Never been to France. Too expensive. I don’t speak French beyond, “Je suis Rory!

Heat one was large and lumpy and whomping, for sure. Banting, Young and Parko had their work cut out for them. Shifting peaks, soupy faces, none of the offshore groomed throaters we’re all hoping for.

John John would’ve definitely got pitted though.

Nat Young first wave was the best of the heat. Fairly deep backside pit to backhand whack off the top, to nothing cutty on the end. 7.17, fairly certain that’d be enough to hand him the heat in difficult conditions. I mean, you never really know, Parko could’ve snagged a gem for a tenner. Unlikely though.

And, in fact, the aged Aussie stroked into a likely looking beaut that shifted into a hideous closeout brute. If it’d hit a deep spot and backed off a tad he’d’ve taken the heat. Instead he entertained with a heroic closeout pull-in.

On days like this I’m in awe of the ski guys. Paddling out looks like a lot of work. The thought of threading a thousand pound hunk of machinery through big heaving closeouts puckers my asshole. Terrifying.

Parko and Banting were at a loss. Struggling to find waves. Failing to put together scores. Young’s quick in and out on a left was enough to hammer nails in their coffins, send ’em both to the loser round. But he’d have won without it. His first wave score eclipsed each of the other pair’s combined total.

The second, and last, heat of the day was Igarashi, Asing, and the world’s favorite ducky eyed Syrian legend. On a day like this you’d expect Mr Slater to easily hand the skinny grom and tiny Hawaiian their asses.

But ’twas not to be.

Igarashi had nothing to offer. The boy picked poorly. Worthless closeouts, no points for him. Final heat total of 1.5. Pretty much the lowest you can get while still catching two waves. Which means Igarashi is on his way to another early round loss.

But Slater didn’t do much better. 7.0 heat total. Came kinda close on a left barrel, but close don’t count. Earned a 5.27 for a tippy-toe late drop to scary section backside bash. Fell on the follow up floater. Score seemed kind of high for a single turn. But I’m fairly certain it was one of those things where the camera didn’t do justice to the gnar factor.

Asing came out on top! Not by killing it, but by being smart. Playing for points. Couple of ‘meh’ turns for a 3.17 for his first scoring wave. A slightly mellower version of Slater’s backside bash for a 4.83. Combined total of 8.0 put him through to round three.

And that’s all she wrote for Day One. Hopefully it’ll drop a tad, clean up a bit, and tomorrow will be magic.