Parker Coffin Nland surf park
Parker Coffin, the funnier though less pretty of the famous Coffin brothers, tore hell out of the Austin Wavegarden recently.

Texas Wavegarden Opens Friday!

Ninety bucks an hour to surf!

What a dazzle wavepools are. Yeah, I know, I read the comments, some of us aren’t so much into the hum and throb of ploughs mowing through a lagoon to make tidal-esque burgers. Where’s the magic of the ocean? The gradual unlocking of its secrets over a lifetime?

But if you live where there ain’t waves or you’re in the middle of two-week flat-spell, like me, they can’t come soon enough. And, for those who live near the Texas capital, Austin, you’re going to get waves, endless waves if you have the cash, come Friday, October 7.

The NLand surf park you might recall from the myriad stories we’ve written about it (here, here and hereOh! Here, too!) , has been funded by Doug Coors, yeah from the Colorado brewing family, and promises a hell of a good time.

It ain’t cheap, howevs, a legacy more, I’d presume, of the cost of setting up and running a Wavegarden than price gouging.

To ride NLand surf park will cost:

Sixty to ninety dollars for a one-hour session. Sixty gets you the Bay and Inside waves; Ninety for the Reef wave.

Bay and Inside waves are described thus: Playful white water waves ideal for new surfers and juniors. Pop up, ride and feel the rush of a wave beneath your feet for the first time. (Bay.) 

Welcome to our party wave. You and your friends can catch a long ride, learn to traverse and perfect your turns on the Inside Wave. (Inside.)

And this is the Reef: Our steep, high performance wave, with a 35-second ride, will delight top surfers and challenge those looking to up their game.

A coaching clinic will cost you between sixty-five to one hundred and ninety dollars for ninety minutes.

Land Surf park is twenty minutes from downtown Austin.

Click here to book. 


Morgan? Morgan Williamson? Are you there? It's me. And how you asked.
Morgan? Morgan Williamson? Are you there? It's me. And how you asked.

Austin: “Don’t forget that ten-gallon hat!”

The long-awaited N-Land Wavepark is finally ready to open!

Does it thrill you as much as it does me that Austin, Texas’s N-Land Wavegarden has cleared its legal hurdles and is set to come online this Friday? Read about it right here!

Stab magazine’s Morgan Williamson is very excited, writing:

Dear Texas, leave the boots and spurs at home, but for the love of god, don’t forget that ten-gallon hat!

What does he mean?

Does he mean like above?

Or maybe like this?


I have no idea! I have never really been in to cowboy kink.

Maybe this?


Morgan are you there? Help us help you!

Hossegor surfing

Recap: “The Humbling at Hossegor!”

No one's gonna say, "That Kieren Perrow's a real fucking kook."

Poor Kieren Perrow.

I often wonder how much control he has over the call to run.

Is he really the boss? Pouring over charts and agonizing. Or is he just the face of a decision someone else made?

Kieren’s an excellent choice for the latter. He’s a world class surfer, everyone likes him. Respects him. No one’s gonna say, “That Kieren Perrow’s a real fucking kook.”

But, man… did you see the pair of waves Double J-Eff and Conner Coffin snagged during the Dawn Patrol show? Whoooooo- ee! Pair of gems. Conner’s especially. No doubt ten during a heat. I immediately clicked over to fantasy surfer and popped him on my team. Sorry, Julian, you’ve gotta go. I know I’ve said I’ll suck your dick for magical powers, but that’s business. Fantasy Surfer is personal.

We saw the aforementioned two on back-to-back smokers, then the Commish came on and said he was waiting for later.

Only two heats ran yesterday, and they weren’t exactly great.

I hear it frequently, “(X-spot) is just like Hawaii.” French beach break is like Backdoor? I find that hard to believe. Backdoor is outright fucking terrifying. I can’t wrap my head around the notion that sand bottom can come anywhere close.

But I could be wrong. Never been to France. Too expensive. I don’t speak French beyond, “Je suis Rory!

Heat one was large and lumpy and whomping, for sure. Banting, Young and Parko had their work cut out for them. Shifting peaks, soupy faces, none of the offshore groomed throaters we’re all hoping for.

John John would’ve definitely got pitted though.

Nat Young first wave was the best of the heat. Fairly deep backside pit to backhand whack off the top, to nothing cutty on the end. 7.17, fairly certain that’d be enough to hand him the heat in difficult conditions. I mean, you never really know, Parko could’ve snagged a gem for a tenner. Unlikely though.

And, in fact, the aged Aussie stroked into a likely looking beaut that shifted into a hideous closeout brute. If it’d hit a deep spot and backed off a tad he’d’ve taken the heat. Instead he entertained with a heroic closeout pull-in.

On days like this I’m in awe of the ski guys. Paddling out looks like a lot of work. The thought of threading a thousand pound hunk of machinery through big heaving closeouts puckers my asshole. Terrifying.

Parko and Banting were at a loss. Struggling to find waves. Failing to put together scores. Young’s quick in and out on a left was enough to hammer nails in their coffins, send ’em both to the loser round. But he’d have won without it. His first wave score eclipsed each of the other pair’s combined total.

The second, and last, heat of the day was Igarashi, Asing, and the world’s favorite ducky eyed Syrian legend. On a day like this you’d expect Mr Slater to easily hand the skinny grom and tiny Hawaiian their asses.

But ’twas not to be.

Igarashi had nothing to offer. The boy picked poorly. Worthless closeouts, no points for him. Final heat total of 1.5. Pretty much the lowest you can get while still catching two waves. Which means Igarashi is on his way to another early round loss.

But Slater didn’t do much better. 7.0 heat total. Came kinda close on a left barrel, but close don’t count. Earned a 5.27 for a tippy-toe late drop to scary section backside bash. Fell on the follow up floater. Score seemed kind of high for a single turn. But I’m fairly certain it was one of those things where the camera didn’t do justice to the gnar factor.

Asing came out on top! Not by killing it, but by being smart. Playing for points. Couple of ‘meh’ turns for a 3.17 for his first scoring wave. A slightly mellower version of Slater’s backside bash for a 4.83. Combined total of 8.0 put him through to round three.

And that’s all she wrote for Day One. Hopefully it’ll drop a tad, clean up a bit, and tomorrow will be magic.

Do you think Kelly Slater is raging inside?
Do you think Kelly Slater is raging inside? | Photo: Morgan Maasssan

Quik Pro: Parko, Slater “get pounded!”

The WSL writes beautiful homoerotic poetry! Let's read!

Rape on the Atlantic! Bloodshed in the Basque! Liberte, egalite, le sexe anal! Of all the monikers I can come up to describe day one of the Quiksilver Pro, the World Surf League’s wins. They called it:

Hossegor Humbling: Parko and Slater Take Poundings at Quik Pro.

The Humbling at Hossegor?

Brilliant! Muhammed Ali approved!

And did you catch the hour of surfing that happened today? It featured two, and only two, heats but also the decapitation of two, the only two, stars. Joel Parkinson fell to Nat Young in heat one with a 6.47 total. Kelly Slater fell to Keanu Asing in heat two with a not much better 7.00. And then the day was called.


Oh the surf was a roiling mess! A glorious disaster! Big! Bubbly! Wild! Voluptuous! Full throated! Deep throated! Etc.!

But why run at all?

The World Surf League reports thusly:

Kelly Slater and Joel Parkinson each suffered Round One setbacks at the Quiksilver Pro Tuesday, where conditions got heavy in a hurry. Officials spent the early morning pondering the decision to run or not at the plage des Culs Nus in Hossegor. With the surf thumping in the six-to-eight foot range, they put the event on hold to determine whether or not there were enough opportunities to run heats.

During the delay John John Florence, Conner Coffin, and Italo Ferreira stroked into some oversized barrels, and came out standing tall, luring Commissioner Kieren Perrow to get the action started.

But a combination of a building swell and an outgoing tide quickly changed the lineup during the opening two heats. The boys did their best braving the thumping closeouts, but it was more death than glory. Even Kelly Slater, the 11-time-world champion, got stuck just trying to make it out. He needed a ski to come retrieve him after being caught inside before his heat even started. And sadly, it went downhill from there for Kelly.

And let’s parse the brief press release, shall we? Does it quite basically say Kelly and Joel surfed very poorly because they were unable to handle bigger conditions. John John, Conner and Italo surfed very well in those same bigger conditions. Kelly embarrassed himself.

Is that a fair summation?

A little rude don’t you think?

The forecast, moving forward, is tough to gauge. Do you think Kieren Perrow will come out the winner when all is said and done or do you think he’ll be sharing plates of steaming hate with the judges?

Click here to watch recap!

Also, does anyone do homoerotic poetry like the WSL? Between Slater and Parko getting pounded and John John, Conner and Italo stroking some nice ones I think we can safely give them this year’s coveted Chubbie (named after the famed English poet Ralph Chubb).


Podcast: “Everything is Always Terrible!”

Let's talk about the hyper-sexuality of men's surfing (and more) with Anastasia Ashley… 

Episode Five of Everything is Always Terrible features none other than the superb Ms Anastasia Ashley. 

Semi-professional surfer, successful model, social media superstar; Ms Ashley is a fascinating woman.  Despite a public persona that tends toward the happy-go-lucky-beach-babe, it is immediately apparent that she is anything but.

I would never trade lives with Anastasia Ashley. Success is honorable, and nothing good comes easy. But at a certain point I feel the price becomes too high.

Anastasia is a driven woman. Totally focused on her success and career, to the exclusion of almost everything else. I would never trade lives with Anastasia Ashley. Success is honorable, and nothing good comes easy. But at a certain point I feel the price becomes too high.

I went in to this expecting to speak with an intelligent woman. I was not expecting to speak with a woman in possession of a single minded drive toward her goals. Anastasia sells her persona well.

Over the course of an hour we touched on surfing big waves, her near total lack of a private life, stalkers, sexy sexy John John Florence, butt callouses, sexuality in women’s surfing, and the high high high price of fame.

I think this is my best podcast so far.  I hope you all agree.