I am midway through book right now and my brain is absolutely tapped, especially when I’m sober. It is slow like thick molasses. Like summertime traffic. (is that a rap lyric?) Dead. Sore. Tired. Uninspired (is that one too?) But guess who just had one large sake and two large Sapporo?
And when I am slightly boozed my brain is very similar to Albert Einstein’s. A firing ball of genius wires. Nuclear shit n shit! And I just had the best idea ever.
So you’ve obviously read by now how Samsung jumped from the World Surf League’s ship and good riddance you Korean bastards! Go and make some more shitty phones and horrible washing machines. My Samsung washing machine just got recalled because, apparently, when washing heavy items the lid can fly off and cause mass bodily harm.
Suck it you Korean bastards!
Our WSL is better off without you. And wouldn’t it be beautiful to really make it ours? To make it so Pottz and Ron-Dawg and Joe and Raspberry wouldn’t have to pretend like they were talking to a non-existent audience anymore? Some giant NFL sized crowd of ex-CEO Paul Speaker’s dreams?
Speaking of that Korean bastard (was Paul Speaker Korean?) good riddance! And we have a full clean slate. The possibility to form professional surfing in our own image!
How much would you pay, per year, to watch surfing that was aimed directly at what you love? Good waves, good competition, good stories? A measly $100? I would probably pay $250.
Do you want to know the most wonderful thing about Beach Grit? It’s that people love to share rumors with us so that we will share them with the world. It is a harmonious system because the whistleblowers get to remain anonymous and we get a great story, while still being able to pull the “don’t shoot the messenger” card.
In that light, just thirty minutes ago, the Beach Grit messages were infiltrated by an anonymous informant who asked, “You guys onto the Samsung pulling out of WSL coconut wireless news yet?”
What-wha-wha-whaaat? No, we weren’t! But now we are and thank you very much for that.
Next comes a reconnaissance email to the WSL’s VP of Communications, Dave Prodan. I asked Dave if he could confirm or deny the claims of our tipster. I had very little hope that he’d reply, let alone affirm their veracity.
Then, boom! March 1st to Christmas morning. Dave replies, saying:
That’s correct. Samsung will not be the title sponsor for the Championship Tour in 2017. The WSL’s official statement is, “Samsung has been a great partner for the surfing community over the past three years, elevating the sport to new heights and honoring the community’s heritage. We thank them for their partnership and look forward to an exciting 2017 season. The WSL is excited about upcoming announcements in the commercial space. More to come when available.”
I asked Dave if that enthusiasm meant they’d found a title sponsor replacement, but he reported that there will be no title sponsor for the 2017 Men’s and Women’s Championship Tour.
Oh, they also haven’t found a full-time replacement for Speaker yet.
So what does this mean? Sure, the League can finally rid themselves of those pocket-dwelling hand grenades and cut their insurance costs by half. But, it mostly means that the WSL, who was supposedly already losing a lot of money, is now going to be losing a whole lot of money.
Without a title sponsor, it seems improbable that the WSL will be able to persist as is. And as much as we joke about their geeky corporate demeanor, ridiculous jersey schemes and petty infringement laws, we need the WSL. Or at least we definitely want it playing in the background while at work.
So remember, joke all you want, but know that we, the viewers, will be the ones who suffer if the WSL goes under.
Including the two of the best airs you've seen in ages!
Not two hours ago, noted surf writer Chris Smith penned these very words:
Former has been live, now, for almost a week and have you watched Craig Anderson’s Luxury29.99? Is it not the surf edit of the year? It totally is! Near perfect!
Little did Chris Smith know, Julian Wilson was about to drop the true edit of the year (below)! An absolute masterclass in technically sound, totally radical waveriding. Craig’s clip can’t hold a candle to Jules’ blitzkrieg attack.
In fact, Wilson felt so confident in his ability to dissect the praying mantis that he brought Craig on a surf trip to Cloudbreak, a left, and completely embarrassed the goofyfoot! Talk about cruel and unusual.
I have called Julian Wilson to win the title for three years running, I think. Oh he has it all… Fearless in bigger waves, still above average air game, experience, the last threads of youth, style, etc. All the markings of a potential champion and yet the grand prize has eluded him. Could this be the year?
And does the clip below, Wayward, not prove Chris’ stance to a T? The scene begins at pumping Cloudy, where Julian fearlessly charges bigger waves. It then heads to Bali and the Goldy, where Julian flaunts his still (very) above average air game. The experience, youth and style bleed through the entire clip.
However the answer to Smith’s concluding query is no. Julian will not win the title this year. I think…
Dane and Craig's Former knocked around by Thrasher!
Former has been live, now, for almost a week and have you watched Craig Anderson’s Luxury29.99? Is it not the surf edit of the year? It totally is! Near perfect! Oh the clothes themselves may be a touch uninspired/uninspiring but early days and let’s hope it is smooth sailing from on out. Let’s hope no more bullying from the nasty surf media.
But wait. What’s that I hear? Is that the skate media piling on? Oh drat. And this news just came in from our wonderful reader Cap’n Haddock.
Thrasher magazine, extreme sport’s only thriving media property thanks to Justin Bieber etc. loving the Thrasher look, gave Former a knock on their news show Skateline. You can watch the host twist those nipples here or just read the transcript:
Shakas up high give it a wiggle, go head touch it. Wiggle it, yeah. Austyn Gillette starts a brand called Former with some surfers. And I know you’ve got surfer buddies but they got you here looking like a douche, my nigga. Embarrassing us n shit. No more of this! Look how ridiculous you (Austyn) looks in this photo. I’ve never laughed at your face before!
Dane and Craig have both shifted heavily toward the skate look over the years, embracing the hard + cool urban vibe and so I wonder if this unkind bullying from a magazine respected by Ryan Gosling etc. hurts twice as much?
I hope not. I hope they feel comfortably superior in their hearts knowing that surfers have always been better and always will be better.
Surfing banned on Reunion because of non-threatened fish. Absurd?
The bull shark is a real son of a bitch. Eats anything. Dogs. People. Turtles. Dolphins. Other bull sharks. Won’t let go either. You can belt it in the snout, jam your fingers into its eyes, rip at its gills, but it ain’t gonna release those jaws. The bull, or zambezi or whatever you want to call it, is indestructible. Lives anywhere, freshwater, saltwater, ocean, river, shallow, deep.
Endangered? Threatened? Not even close.
On a scale of one to seven, with seven being extinct, the bull shark comes in at the second-lowest rung, Not Threatened, just above Least Concern.
Oh you’ll find them everywhere. Up the Mississippi, in the Gold Coast waterways, Sydney Harbour, in the Amazon, Maryland etc, and, pointedly, as masters of the marine reserve in Reunion Island.
Reunion is a pretty volcanic island of almost one million people off the east coast of Africa. Lives off sugar exports, mostly, as well as the benevolent hand of the largely socialist French state. Richest island in the Indian Ocean.
A decade ago, a twenty-kilometre marine reserve was created along Reunion’s west coast. Preserve the environment? A no-brainer, right? Except like a lot of well-intentioned government policies, this one loosed a hell of a problem.
As Jeremy Flores told me a couple of years back after a rash of fatal shark attacks.
“From generation to generation there were always fishermen and then people from overseas, environmentalists, came and they stopped fishing in a 10-kilometre area where all the shark attacks are now happening… By the time they stopped fishing the sharks didn’t have anything to fear anymore so they started coming and now it’s dead territory. They ate everything. There is no more life. There is no more turtles. There is no more fish. No more nothing. No more reef sharks. Because the bull sharks have eaten everything. And now, because there’s nothing left to eat, it’s the surfers”
The movie Jaws? It was based on a two-week period on the Jersey Shore in 1916 when it was most likely bull sharks (or maybe Whites) fatally attacked four swimmers.
The situation on the ground in Reunion is loony. Surfing is banned on all but two netted beaches. Swim or surf outside of the nets and there’s a good chance you’ll die.
The teenage kids of some pals of mine have RIP this and RIP that scrawled in texta all over their schoolbags. It took me a while to realise they weren’t saying their pals were shredders but had been killed by sharks.
You heard, read, the hysteria after Kelly Slater gently suggested it wouldn’t be the end of the world to fish bull sharks after Reunion’s twentieth shark attack since 2011, eight of ‘em fatal.
“I won’t be popular for saying this, but there needs to be a serious cull on Réunion and it should happen every day,” said Slater. “There is a clear imbalance happening in the ocean there. If the whole world had these rates of attack nobody would use the ocean and millions of people would be dying like this. The French government needs to figure this out ASAP.”
When Elio Canestri was killed in 2014, I called Jeremy again.
“All these sharks, bro, fuck, it’s the real deal,” said the Reunion-born WSL surfer. “Perfect waves. Sunny day. Eight kids in the water and the shark attacked in the middle of everyone. Can you imagine that? Can you imagine how those kids feel?”
Jeremy’s mom phoned him an hour after the attack. Her friend lives in front of the break. Saw everything.
I can’t tell you how many times I surfed that place by myself,” said Jeremy. “When I heard it was a young kid, thirteen years old, I started shaking. I could picture myself at the same age, frothing with all my friends, just trying to get a surf. On Reunion, it’s a small surfing community, everyone knows each other, and I’ve lost some really close brothers to shark attacks, but this time, to be a thirteen-year-old, one of the best surfers on the island, with all his life in front of him. To die like that, so young, is terrible.”
The following year, Jeremy flew to Reunion for two weeks to see old pals and family. The surf pumped. And he didn’t touch his surfboard.
“It wasn’t worth it to take the risk. It took a long time for people to realise how bad the situation is. People thought it was like everywhere in the world. But, right now, we have the world record for attack.
Jeremy ain’t down for environmental slaughter, he loves the ocean, and said he’s “aware that sharks are everywhere and that I could get attacked. But on Reunion Island, “it’s a 50-50 proposition.”
From a local.
“There are so many sharks in the water, it is traumatic,” said Gilbert Pouzet, 55, who has surfed in Réunion for 30 years, told the IB Times. “Sometimes, I go down to the waves and I am not sure whether to go in the water or not; 80 percent of the time I go back home. Most of the time they strike from the side and take your hip and leg. They sever the femoral artery so you bleed to death in two minutes. The tiger shark will sometimes take an arm or a piece of leg and go away. But the bull shark becomes mad and finishes you off. When the bull sharks attack, they come to kill.”
Of course, in a world where everyone signals their virtue on Facebook and whatever else, Slater’s balanced, and intelligent, response, was twisted to mean he demanded the worldwide eradication of sharks.