Can you feel the anger? | Photo: WSL

WSL: Filipe Toledo Banned from Fiji!

Michael Ciaramella

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"No tube for you!" - WSL

The aforementioned ‘upset’ of Filipe Toledo in the Oi Rio Pro has recently gained new meaning.

Angered by the interference call in his round three clash with Kanoa Igarashi, Filipe proceeded to storm the judges’ tower once the heat concluded — a major no-no if your name isn’t Zeke Lau.

As a result, the WSL has followed protocol by fining and banning Toledo from the Tour’s next event, the Outerknown Fiji Pro. WSL Deputy Commissioner Renato Hickel explained:

Filipe is a really good kid and an incredible surfer. The WSL is very fortunate to have someone of his caliber on Tour and he is constantly progressing the level of surfing in the live arena. It’s disappointing when we have to pass disciplinary action for any of our surfers, but that behavior is not acceptable for the sport. Filipe knows this and we look forward to seeing his talent back on Tour very soon.

Filipe has since apologized for his behavior, stating:

I’m a passionate guy and surfing is my life,” Toledo said. “After getting an interference in my Round Three heat in Saquarema, I became upset. I just lost my mind and I’m really embarrassed by my behavior. I want to apologize to the fans, my sponsors, the media and the WSL. I take full responsibility for my actions and accept my suspension. I am disappointed to miss the next event, but looking forward to coming back stronger for Jeffreys Bay. Good luck to everyone in Fiji and thanks to everyone for the continued support.

Who knew Brazil was providing such drama? Not me of course, but such an incident certainly makes a man think! Maybe I’ll tune in for finals day after all.

As for Filipe… poor guy is too small to properly intimidate. When Zeke did it he got a walk-through, when Filipe does it — fined and banned!

Ain’t that the way of the world though? The powerful take what they want while the little people pay damages.

Speaking of which, Derek, where does this leave our bet?

Black death: Killer whales eat sharks!

Chas Smith

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Have surfers found an ally in the fight against the evil great white?

Another day has passed and another great white sighting near Trestles. Oh the horror! Oh the absolute horror! There they lurk as big as ice-cream trucks waiting to eat thigh and glute and backbone. What has southern California done to deserve such terror? Who will save us?

Maybe the killer whales that live happy lives in Sea World just a short drive from San Clemente?

Oh yes!

Unlike humans, it appears that killer whales have no problem targeting the great white. Let’s read about their activity in South Africa!

Orcas have only been spotted attacking great white sharks a handful of times. But this past week, two mangled great white carcasses washed ashore in the town of Gansbaai on the South African coast. And the corpses definitely showed signs of being leftover orca lunch.

“This is the first confirmed account of an orca predation on a white shark from South Africa,” ‎Marine Biologist Alison Kock from ‎South African National Parks told Gizmodo in an email. “It’s mind blowing to think that a white shark of that size (almost 5m) was a target.”

“It seems likely that orcas are again the cause of death but we will confirm after the autopsy,” wrote Towner in the Marine Dynamics blog. “Obviously this is a very sad time for us all, nature can be so cruel and the dexterity these enormous animals are capable of is mind blowing, almost surgical precision as they remove the squalene rich liver of the white sharks and dump their carcass.”

And isn’t this just brilliant? Just wonderful? I know how much Sea World’s killer whales enjoy their all-inclusive resort lifestyle but do you think they would go out for a shark liver buffet real quick? Just real quick?

Also, do you think BeachGrit should design a killer whale looking wetsuit and sell it as shark deterrent? Black with big white sides? It would look very chic and certainly intimidating to the wussy shark.

Also, do you think killer whales argue online about the ethics of culling?

Scandal: Stab lying about socks?

Chas Smith

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Has a massive falsehood been foisted upon all trusting surf fans?

Today found me heartbroken. Utterly bereft of joy. Crying onto my keyboard. Sobbing even and, when I finally found breath, screaming toward Stab‘s new Venice-adjacent location II “Why SurfStitch? Oh why?”

Yesterday, you see, I wrote a piece on Stab‘s fantastic “How to wear socks” feature. Oh sure I had wished they included the most fantastic of all ways to wear socks but still I was very pleased that 18,025 fellow travelers had clicked on the story, through Facebook, and “liked” it.

What a wonderful truth!

Eighteen thousand and twenty-five surfers as thrilled by mostly proper sock etiquette as me!

This morning, though, I returned to Stab having expected the number of “likes” to have shot through the roof. To 30,000! 40,000 thousand even!

But there they sat at 18,025.

Still eighteen thousand and twenty-five souls.

Hmmmmmm.

I started poking around and seeing that the rest of the “likes” on Stab stories averaged maybe 250. Maybe. And doubt started to creep. Are there fewer surfers who appreciate correct sock etiquette than reported? Not 18,025?

But no way! And how would Stab perpetrate such a thing?

Then I read a story on ZeroHedge titled A Russian Went Inside a Chinese Click-Farm: This is What He Found. It read:

On the day when Snapchat erased billions of market cap from investors (and founders) accounts – as the MAUs-means-money model seems to break – we thought it worthwhile taking another glimpse into the hush-hush world of ‘click-farms’ and the fakeness of the latest social network fads.

In 2014, we first exposed the world to the ‘click-farm’ where nothing is what it seems, and where social networking participants spend millions of dollars to appear more important, followed, prestigious, cool, or generally “liked” than they really are. As we detailed at the time, social networking has been the “it” thing for a while: for the networks it makes perfect sense because they are merely the aggregators and distributors of terrabytes of free, third party created content affording them multi-billion dollar valuations without generating a cent in profits (just think of the upside potential in having 10 times the world’s population on any given publicly-traded network), while for users it provides the opportunity to be seen, to be evaluated or “liked” on one’s objective, impartial merits and to maybe go “viral”, potentially making money in the process. Of course, the biggest draws of social networks also quickly became their biggest weaknesses, and it didn’t take long to game the weakest link: that apparent popularity based on the size of one’s following or the number of likes, which usually translates into power and/or money, is artificial and can be purchased for a price.

As we concluded previously, the bottom line is simple: “The illusion of a massive following is often just that.”

Son of a motherfucking bitch.

Are the Chinese wearing their socks cooler than I am?

Stab? What did you know and when did you know it? I WANT THE TRUTH!

Help: I wanna be a pro surfer!

Chas Smith

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A "Choose your Own Adventure" part III!

We are in the middle of a wild choose your own adventure adventure. Read part one here and two here. And I thought it was a misbegotten charade and gave you an out but you chose to continue… but I totally accidentally gave you the wrong path so I’ll include that one as a bonus and the one you meant to choose too.

So here we are!  Again vote either (A) or (B) in the comments!

BONUS (the one you accidentally chose on my recommendation):

You really do love spending time with your dad but you were up late watching Friends and are way to tired to even move. All the the girls at school are binge watching and talking about “Monica” and “Chandler” and “Ross” and “Rachel” nonstop. To even crack in to their conversations you have to know about the dollhouse or what tapping your elbows together means.

Exhausting but definitely worth it. Just yesterday one of the cutest girls in your social sciences class totally laughed when you sang, “Smelly cat, smelly cat, what are they feeding you?”

Your dad is very sympathetic and will understand so you tell him you’re too tired. He smiles and whispers, “Ok son. I love you so much. Have a great school day.”

You go on to develop a prescription pill addiction and end up selling insurance, your wife cheats on you with a 5th grade teacher at a local Christian school and your kids think you are a sissy.

THE END

And now the real one. The one you meant to choose.

Your dad winks and whispers, “A bagel and orange juice are on the kitchen counter. Meet you in the car.”
You stand, stretch and head to the corner to get your surfboard. Its wax smells like summer but you know that it is cold and wintery outside even though it is only just early fall. You know the first bite of cold Pacific will make you hate yourself.

The swell is forecasted to be pretty fun. Surfline is calling for 3-4 feet at something blah blah seconds and you are thinking that 54th street might be the call but it is for sure going to be super crowded and you don’t know if paddle-battling all morning for two waves is going to be worth it. Maybe you could hit up 17th street in Huntington instead? The waves won’t be even half as good but you would have a fun surf without any pressure.

Hmmmm. You head to the laundry room to grab your still damp wetsuit still thinking about where you should head and are still undecided when you reach the car. Your dad, already behind the wheel, asks, “Where to, champ?”

You respond…
a) Let’s just go to 54th… It’ll be crazy but better.
b) I’m over the crowds lately. Let’s go to Huntington and try 17th.

Hero: British surfer saves the world!

Chas Smith

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A cyberattack thwarted and we have Cornwall to thank!

Have you always chuckled at the British surfer too? Do you picture him, with reddish hair and pale skin, floundering on an egg-shaped surfboard in the windswept Corn Wall? His face ruddy from the ice-cold water and bangers and mash? His wax and even shade of brown from the countryside’s loamy soil?

Do you you picture him like Dusty Payne without skill?

Well then you too are in for a big surprise. The world owes its peace, this morning, to a fine British surfer!

The anonymous 22 year-old who maybe lives in Cornwall discovered some new computer virus before it could get fully activated and thwarted its growth hereby allowing you to read your beloved BeachGrit this morning. Let’s learn more!

The researcher, who identified himself only as MalwareTech, is a 22-year-old from south-west England who works for Kryptos logic, an LA-based threat intelligence company.

“I was out having lunch with a friend and got back about 3pm and saw an influx of news articles about the NHS and various UK organisations being hit, I had a bit of a look into that and then I found a sample of the malware behind it, and saw that it was connecting out to a specific domain, which was not registered. So I picked it up not knowing what it did at the time.”

Etc. Etc.

He said he got his first job out of school without any real qualifications, having skipped university to start up a tech blog, write software and surf.

“It’s always been a hobby to me, I’m self-taught. I ended up getting a job out of my first botnet tracker, which the company I now work for saw and contacted me about, asking if I wanted a job. I’ve been working there a year and two months now.”

But the dark knight of the dark web still lives at home with his parents, which he joked was “so stereotypical”. His mum, he said, was aware of what had happened and was excited, but his dad hadn’t been home yet. “I’m sure my mother will inform him,” he said.

“It’s not going to be a lifestyle change, it’s just a five-minutes of fame sort of thing. It is quite crazy, I’ve not been able to check into my Twitter feed all day because it’s just been going too fast to read. Every time I refresh it it’s another 99 notifications.”

He is now more famous than Dusty Payne.

All hail the British surfer!