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Beach Grit

True: Booze is your best friend this xmas!

Chas Smith

by Chas Smith

And any other time!

No matter which hemisphere you call home, Christmas is a time for drinking.

Drinking fruity warm weather cocktails in summery Australia. Drinking thick cold weather cocktails in wintery America. Drinking caipirinha in Brazil.

You have, likely, been to at least one Christmas party so far this year, unless you happen to be a Jehovah’s Witness, and will likely attend a New Year’s party, unless you happen to be Chinese.

And how do you perform? Do you have a system for your drinking or do you throw caution to the wind, drinking like a sorority pledge?

Well, not to put too fine a point on it but you shouldn’t drink like a sorority pledge. Neither should you not drink. So what are the rules? Oh, let me tell you.

Drink what is being offered.

If the host has muddled some gin, cranberry, ginger beer thing and garnished it with a rosemary twig you must take, drink and smile. You don’t have to drink more than one but you have to drink one even if gin isn’t your thing or rosemary gives you a tickly throat. Transition soon thereafter to something and soda.Whisky or vodka but compliment the host’s creation.

Drink only one of what is being offered.

If the host has gone traditional, and delicious, with a sweet sangria (Australia) or a buttery egg nog (America) or a caipirinha (Brazil) and it is your favorite thing ever still only drink one. Two or more sangria will leave you with a splitting headache. Two or more egg nog will make you instantly rotund. Two or more caipirinha will have you double-hand claiming very average things for the rest of the night.

Do shots, if shots are being done.

The man who “doesn’t do shots” thinks of himself in a positive light but he is the only one because really he is a sissy. If someone, anyone gets the idea that what the party needs is shots then don’t cheer like a moron but also don’t smugly inform everyone that you “don’t do shots.” Take your shot, shoot it. Very simple. (See Koa Rothman below doing what needs be done without doctoring.)

Don’t be the one to suggest shots.

Shots are generally in poor taste.

Beer doesn’t count.

Wandering around nursing a Bud Light or a Cascade Premium Light all evening is the same as wandering around with a full glass of water. Every party has a pooper and that’s why they invited you.

Pace yourself.

Smashing it out early then turning into a bumbling fool late will get you nowhere but puking in the bushes. Drink your host cocktail then your own whiskey/vodka soda then a second whiskey/vodka soda then a third but not in 30 mins. That’s a good hour and a half of drinking right there.

Don’t pace yourself.

It is the Christmas season. Don’t be the sort of person who always has to be in control.

And that is how you achieve enlightenment.