And any other time!
No matter which hemisphere you call home, Christmas is a time for drinking.
Drinking fruity warm weather cocktails in summery Australia. Drinking thick cold weather cocktails in wintery America. Drinking caipirinha in Brazil.
You have, likely, been to at least one Christmas party so far this year, unless you happen to be a Jehovah’s Witness, and will likely attend a New Year’s party, unless you happen to be Chinese.
And how do you perform? Do you have a system for your drinking or do you throw caution to the wind, drinking like a sorority pledge?
Well, not to put too fine a point on it but you shouldn’t drink like a sorority pledge. Neither should you not drink. So what are the rules? Oh, let me tell you.
Drink what is being offered.
If the host has muddled some gin, cranberry, ginger beer thing and garnished it with a rosemary twig you must take, drink and smile. You don’t have to drink more than one but you have to drink one even if gin isn’t your thing or rosemary gives you a tickly throat. Transition soon thereafter to something and soda.Whisky or vodka but compliment the host’s creation.
Drink only one of what is being offered.
If the host has gone traditional, and delicious, with a sweet sangria (Australia) or a buttery egg nog (America) or a caipirinha (Brazil) and it is your favorite thing ever still only drink one. Two or more sangria will leave you with a splitting headache. Two or more egg nog will make you instantly rotund. Two or more caipirinha will have you double-hand claiming very average things for the rest of the night.
Do shots, if shots are being done.
The man who “doesn’t do shots” thinks of himself in a positive light but he is the only one because really he is a sissy. If someone, anyone gets the idea that what the party needs is shots then don’t cheer like a moron but also don’t smugly inform everyone that you “don’t do shots.” Take your shot, shoot it. Very simple. (See Koa Rothman below doing what needs be done without doctoring.)
Don’t be the one to suggest shots.
Shots are generally in poor taste.
Beer doesn’t count.
Wandering around nursing a Bud Light or a Cascade Premium Light all evening is the same as wandering around with a full glass of water. Every party has a pooper and that’s why they invited you.
Pace yourself.
Smashing it out early then turning into a bumbling fool late will get you nowhere but puking in the bushes. Drink your host cocktail then your own whiskey/vodka soda then a second whiskey/vodka soda then a third but not in 30 mins. That’s a good hour and a half of drinking right there.
Don’t pace yourself.
It is the Christmas season. Don’t be the sort of person who always has to be in control.
And that is how you achieve enlightenment.
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This is like some ghastly cross between the Inertia and 1980s Esquire. Merry Christmas, everyone! And like Laird says: get plenty of sleep!
Thank fuck cunce aren’t wishing each other a merry xmas on this site. Just awful.
have a packet handy, never advertise but if someone enquires, offer a small bump off your key. never throw the plate in the microwave or invite to the bathroom.
Should a second bump be offered if same is requested? I’m running low (on kindness too). What’s the protocol here?
Only in America could you be so high on booze – pun intended. Take a trip round some of the ragged arse little towns of our oh-so-United Kingdom if you want an example of what embracing alcohol with all your heart looks like. You don’t know ugly until you’ve spent quality time here at this (or any) time of year.
ha , don’t worry the convicts that were the UK’s dregs , should probably have an Ashes series to decide what embracing alcohol with all your hearts really looks like , fuck mate an Aussie Aussie Aussie BBQ , is one of get pissed bash each other and then go and claim a wench for 7 secs!
Yep, seeing young turks sucking on stubbies while walking up beach apre-surf at 7:30 this morning was low on the list of xmas highlights.
Disgusting cunts. To clarify, do OC bros also drink beer pre surf? I need to know.
is that apres or pre?
get em on the acid …..a lot more fun if you survive!
Apres. Get in and out early at this time of year I reckon.
down here we make em drink before surfing , so they are too pissed to get out.
It’s sad when you think about alcohol as a very old drug , which has been around for 10’s of thousands of years , and in the 60’s there was peace love and happiness , mixed with a new generation of drugs , such as LSD , DMT , MDMA, Cocaine fuck there was a whole generation of incredibly gifted chemists /surfers who were pushing the boundaries of ah , “altered States” , so now it’s back to booze , waaaaaahhhh , is this really a sign of a generation that is so fucken lazy and have little or no ability to even push any new boundaries , or is it just the Retro Generation?
The ambassador of stoke and pleasure/ not too much pleasure
Who’s stoking/stroking who?
The ambassador of circle jerk pleasure
It’s all fun and games until someone misappropriates the mistletoe.
Fucked fact: there is now vegan friendly alcohol available at a store near you!
I don’t think that I have ever had non vegan alcohol. Does some fucked up culture get drunk on fermented milk or blood?
Dont drink and drive.
Smoke and fly
Eat an edible and drool
If this was any more American it would be apple pie. Drink/ don’t drink. Have fun/ don’t have fun. Smile/ don’t smile. Pace yourself/ don’t pace yourself. All very PC. Me thinks Chas may be reading a little to much of Zachs work and it’s rubbing off in the worst way.
Here’s some advice, stop sitting on the bloody fence, jump in feet first and just own it. Either way
How can you tell someone’s quit drinking booze?
… wait a few moments and they’ll tell you.
Like vegans.
By the way, I stopped drinking.
Me too.
I’ve mentioned it often enough.
Beer, until the racist uncle starts making sense. You have to know your limits.
Dunk him in the pool ( a la John the Baptist)then enlighten him with a cricket back (Warming up for the Boxing Day Test )before attacking the 2nd six pack .
If if he’s making sense before the 2nd six pack, you don’t know my family and/or genetic propensity for alcohol.
Sorry mate . Hoped you survived today .
The racist uncle carked earlier this year. It was a pleasant breeze.
Congrats Chas…best worst post ever on Beach Grit right before 2018 starts! Longtom probably wishes he could have waited a few more days before his latest submission.
Are you kidding? I wrote a worse one two days ago. And also the day before that.
Oh how we deflect.
Aperol spritz straight up: https://uploads.disquscdn.c…
Aperol Spritz? Are you a still-pretty-hot German lady in her late 40’s? (He asked eagerly …)
If i was I’d be playing with my own tits right now and finger bashing my delicious pussy.
And a Merry Christmas to you too ma’am!
What would you be serving, Chas? Ever try a hot buttered Rum? That’s my choice holiday / apres-ski cocktail.
I love hot buttered rum, White Russians, nog and holiday mules. At our party last night the cocktail was apple, kale, spinach, lemon, ginger, vodka in the hopes that people would be cured from their various coughs etc.
everybody in SoCal is getting sick lately. I hope you drank many to stay strong and healthy. I hear those also cure shoulder pain
You forgot to invite me.
The DUDE LEBOWSKI loves a White Russian.
kale. you put kale in your holiday drink. dude.