Oh boy. This has all caught me, and I hate to
admit this, but more or less unprepared. Like, a bit flat footed.
Maybe like if I’m not careful history will look back on this moment
and criticize me the same way it does World War I generals. The
whole “lions lead by donkeys” business.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
And let’s rewind very quickly. If you have followed along here
at all during in the past few years and/or listened to me jabber
across from David Lee Scales on the Grit! podcast and/or read the
just released Cocaine + Surfing (buy here!) then you know my
feelings on surfing as a “sport.” It ain’t one. Oh sure I love
competitive professional surfing as much as the next man (unless
the next man happens to be Dave Prodan) but I have also always felt
that “sport” just doesn’t capture the essence.
Not that surfing is spiritual (ha!) or anything it’s just… I
don’t know a dirty though very fun addiction we all suffer. So I go
around banging my drum calling for honesty and an embrace of our
demons and full scale war on the machinations of those who dare try
and turn riding waves into something bland and systematic. I holler
for World Surf League heads and Rip Curl hides and… you get it,
right? You understand. Right?
I’m for you. For The People™.
Well, I didn’t even know this BUT apparently right now is the
USA Surfing Championships at one-time WSL stop Lower Trestles. A
sign has been put up reading Welcome to the 2018 USA Surfing
Championships though yesterday that sign was defaced.
A brave vandal scrawled “nature” at the top and then “Surfing is
an art not a sport” over the entire thing.
Oh boy. The resistance is here and I am totally unprepared.
Aside from my talking points I haven’t yet figured out my costume.
I was thinking something along the General Butt Naked line
(remember him from Liberia?) but there are lots of other good
options out there.
Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.
Any ideas? Also, does anyone know where the resistance is
meeting?
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Win: A free Audible download of Cocaine +
Surfing!
It seems like the entire world can be broken
into two camps these days. Those who read books and those who
listen to books. I never really understood those who listen to
books until I drove from north county San Diego all the way to
Jackson, Wyoming and back over the holidays. I began with music but
then transitioned to podcasts and then audio books. Music is great
for a few hours but it becomes like wallpaper after a while.
Podcasts are great for more hours but listening to a new subject
every few hours can be slightly jarring. Audio books bring you in
and allow you to luxuriate on the same topic for 8 to 15 hours.
Having someone reading to you, in your ear, is very intimate and
soothing. Time just melts away and irritation at others’ poor
driving etc. stops registering when you are in the very middle of a
nice, lengthy story.
And did you know Cocaine +
Surfing is also an audio book? It’s true! And Audible
Audio book read by a famous reader named Tom Pile. The people at
Audible didn’t ever ask me to read, when the book sold, and I
assume it is because they heard my Muppet voice on the Grit!
podcast. Maybe they heard it say, “I’m warning you Ashton…” and
realized that it carried no weight.
Tom Pile’s voice carries much weight. It sounds like it has
experienced many mafia sorts of things all noir and serious. I wish
I could trade my voice for his. I probably would not have to try
and choke people out anymore because my voice would signal how
dangerous I am.
I can’t trade my voice, anyhow, but maybe it doesn’t even matter
because you get to hear my thoughts through Tom Pile’s very tough
baritone.
And guess what?
I have a free Audible version of Cocaine +
Surfing to give away! Who wants? Simply tell the world
which famous celebrity you would want to read the Audible version
of your memoir in the comments below and I’ll chose one and gift
you!
I am a real sucker for radio gameshows and
particularly one that plays here in the United States called
Wait Wait… Don’t Tell
Me! Oh my enjoyment is, no doubt, a product of my
advanced age but I squeal with delight if I happen to get in the
car when it’s playing.
The format is very simple. A funny host, Peter Sagal, runs
through the news headlines with a panel of almost-celebrity
“contestants.” They riff and joke and I sit in my car squealing
with delight at everyone’s wittiness. A fun time and I also learn a
little something along the way.
And so this morning, as I was scrolling though various surf
news, and a few Stab headlines popped up and a few The
Inertia headlines popped up and I was having trouble telling
the difference between the two which made me think of this game
here. Is it Stab or The Inertia? All you
have to do is guess correctly and you’ll win Jen See’s voice on
your answering machine. Are you ready?
Race, Representation and How the Surf Industry Can Save
Itself.
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
How Santa Cruz Has Changed and Why Jason Collins is
Moving to Alaska
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
How Rob Machado’s Freesurfing Fate Was Decided by a
Sponsorship Contract
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
Why Japan’s Oceanic Olympic Future is Misguided and
Harmful
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
Why Jaleesa Vincent Might be Just What Women’s Surfing
Needs
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
Decades of Surf-Misogyny Finally Reversed at
Keramas
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
Five Reasons Why New Zealand in Autumn is a Desirable
Experience
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
Have a Cocktail in Santa Monica and Support A Walk on
Water Surf Therapy
(Is it Stab or The Inertia?)
More difficult than you thought, no? Please list your guesses in
the comments below (no peeking) and Jen See will call the winner up
and leave an outgoing message that your friends and family will
hear every time you screen them.
“Hi. This is Jen See from BeachGrit and you are trying
to reach ________ who is not answering his phone right now because
he doesn’t really like you. Leave a message after the beep.
Thanks!”
Good luck!
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Cymatic Update: “What’s so wrong shedding
blood to do what you love? “
More secrets revealed on Dan Thomson's latest
planing hull design…
I won’t lie. Having the great Miki Dora accuse
me of self aggrandisement, name dropping and providing minimal info
on the board (Cymatic) was a kick in the nuts with a steel-capped
boot.
He even vomited over the one positive comment my Bribie mate had
given me in 40 years ( ollowed by calling me a useless cunt for not
keeping on top of the regrowth from the Camphor laurels he
chainsawed for me in December).
The real kicker, though, was being viciously impugned for not
supporting my local surfboard shapers/builders.
Granted this board was made in Thailand, but seeing as the
design, refinement and testing has all happened within a stone’s
throw of my crib and I’ve known the bloke responsible for > 20
years, it was a bitter pill to swallow and, I think, quite unfair
criticism.
Granted this board was made in Thailand, but seeing as the
design, refinement and testing has all happened within a stone’s
throw of my crib and I’ve known the bloke responsible for > 20
years, it was a bitter pill to swallow and, I think, quite unfair
criticism.
Given the first person account is the only honest way forwards
and the Indian will always trump the arrow, a more
techno/historical description follows, including an update with
Powerdrive fins from Mark Thomson, designed and built in Lennox
Head.
The theoretical roots of the modern Planing Hull design lie in
the work done by the redoubtable Professor Lindsay Lord of MIT,
whose book Naval Architecture of Planing
Hulls laid out some of the hydrodynamic
properties of same. Glibly summarised, his chief finding was that
short, rectangular hulls with wide sterns were the most efficient
planing devices.
Lord’s planing hull Bible was discovered by prototypical
Californian Bob Simmons, an architect of the surfing lifestyle and
famous for leaving a trail of oranges along the southern
Californian coast. It was Simmons who declared the surfboard to be
a planing hull and began the process of incorporating Lord’s
methodologies and results into the surfboard.
Dan Thomson was dragged into the Simmons orbit via
Richard Kenvin in the
process of making the great unfinished cinematic epic about Simmons
titled Hydrodynamica.
Dan took the straight-railed Lis fish into the realm of the modern
high-performance shortboard via a process too lengthy to describe
here.
Its performance capabilities have been described: super fast
off-the-mark planing speed and incredible manoeuvrability. Its
flaws: steering control in turns and obligate short-arc surfing.
Redress via fin experimentation was attempted.
Its performance capabilities have been described: super fast
off-the-mark planing speed and incredible manoeuvrability. Its
flaws: steering control in turns and obligate short-arc surfing.
Redress via fin experimentation was attempted.
Mark, or Carcass as he is colloquially known, had seen the
Cymatic in action and assured me the power drive fin,
a kind of hockey stick template
fin, would fix the steering problem. Days later, in
the North Wall carpark a black Beamer pulled up beside me and
Carcass handed me a package of fins out the window.
“Try these,” he said, “and let me know how they go.”
Today, in perfect zippering head-high Point surf they were
tested. The board still paddled like a wet sock. Lady Luck and a
little cunning strategy* in a thick crowd saw a set wave nabbed.
The lack of fin base felt a little spongey through the opening
high-line drives, to deter would be assassins from intruding.
The board whipped through a top-turn cutback and came straight
back off the whitewater knuckle with control. More set waves
followed. Steering was improved. A sizzling little session, for
sure. A real little stoke-out. I did not fall.
Is this infomercial? I don’t know if these fins are for sale.
Talking to others who had ridden confirmed my experience of
improved control at speed. If you are on the modern planing hull
trip you could try Googling it.
On the way up the path, in the shade of a cottonwood canopy, I
chatted to a new German friend, in booties and helmet, also on a
Cymatic. He said he was a surf refugee. I felt compassion,
brotherhood, but still faintly disgusted by the protective gear and
the white puffy feet.
What’s so wrong with shedding a little blood to do what you
love?
*The frog in the Hole strategy. The frog waits in the hole, just
too deep and off the take-off. Ignored,asleep: the frog launches out
of the hole to nab the fly.
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Surf Quiz: Would you shoot your kid for
longboarding?
This is a serious question for our serious
times. What if… and really go along with me here… what if
you woke up one morning to the very pleasant news that your
favorite local break was set to put on a wonderful show. That it
was going to be 5 -8 feet with gentle offshore winds, warm air,
warm enough water and let’s even say that it wasn’t going to be
very crowded because of some sporting event or something (rugby
league championship, Super Bowl… whatever). Barrels etc. and
fantastic.
Let’s also say you are a proud father of a child who not only
loves to surf but shows a preternatural instinct for the kingly
dance. Maybe not future pro level but a real ability to almost tag
the lip, air, barrel etc.
Now, of course you are very excited and run downstairs, or
upstairs depending on the layout of your hypothetical dream house,
and yell, “Daughter/son! We’re going surfing!”
Let’s say she/he whoops loudly and says, “I’ll meet you
outside!”
You drink a little coffee, eat a little something, go to the
garage and grab your 5’11, then to your hypothetical dream car and
there is your progeny waiting for you with a…
… 9’0 log under her/his arm.
We all, of course, know that logging on flat days is so much fun
but remember, proper swell is coming in here and you tell her/him,
“Proper swell is coming in here.”
She/he responds, “Yeah! I’m so excited!”
You continue to eye her/his board up and down but there is no
emotional response from your spawn except to say, “I’m a
longboarder now!”
What do you do?
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Jon Pyzel and Matt Biolos by
@theneedforshutterspeed/Step Bros