“Epic” wavepool breakthrough: “This is
going to fuck everybody up!”
By Derek Rielly
"A lot of crap is going to down the second our pool
proves we've got the best tube on earth," says Greg Webber.
Remember the Greg Webber wavepool? Ridiculous
distortions, rides as long as behind-the-rock Snapper to
Greenmount, Wavegarden being “fucking horrified” when they see it,
cheaper than all of ’em and so on?
All they gotta do now is get a construction certificate and jump
a bulldozer.
The pool’s inventor, Greg Webber, says he’s yet to feel any
throb of excitement despite his debut pool inching closer.
“Something always seems to pop up,” he says. “Until I see the
thing finished, I’ll wait, patiently, for that little moment of
joy, of exhilaration.”
A couple of things have got his blood moving, howevs.
First, at Surf Expo on September 8,
there’s going to be a “big” announcement, says Greg.
BeachGrit believes his USA licensee OCD is gonna to tell
the world it’s going to roll out Webber tanks across the country as
part of the creation of a National Surfing League™.
But we’ll see.
More exciting, in Greg’s opinion, is his brother Dan’s “wavepool
current apparatus” or underwater jets for use in wave pools, the
patent filed a couple of weeks ago etc.
“It gives complete and utter control,” says Greg. “There are
three elements in how you create a wave in a pool. Number one is
whatever you do to create a nice-shaped wave (moving hulls,
paddles, plungers etc). Then there’s altering the bottom contour
which they tried to do at the Ron Jon surf park. But
because water is so powerful the moving plates and machinery were
ripped to pieces. Water is tough. It does what the fuck it wants to
do. Varying the bottom contours is gone.
“The third element is moving the water in which the wave is
breaking. That has the greatest capacity for altering wave shape
than all the other factors.”
Man-made rip bowls?
“Yeah, and making currents in different parts of the pool. You
can have the ability to hollow the wave radically or make it fat
and have it all in a controlled fashion. But also have the ability
to write a program that allows for random movements within defined
parameters. No two waves are exactly the same in an entire session.
No matter how many hours you ride the pool for you could never say
you rode the same wave twice. Now, that’s what’s missing from wave
pools. It becomes vastly more creative now.”
The jets can also be used, says Greg, to still the water
flow.
What’s that mean? No down time while the previous wave’s
turbulence sloshes over the side. “This allows my company to double
our wave rate from 500 an hour to 1000 an hour in the main body of
the pool.”
Greg says the underwater jets and their linked electronic
apparatus can be retro-fitted to any pool which, in theory, means
you could bolt ’em onto a Surf Ranch or American Wave Machine or
Wavegarden.
Theoretically.
“A lot of crap is going to down the second our pool proves we’ve
got the best tube on earth. Then the games will really begin. I’m
ready for it. There will be one company eclipses everyone else. Why
would you choose a lesser version that can’t control the currents?
Why would you spend the same money to have a lot less? It’s like
buying a phone that was designed ten years ago? You gotta have
everything, internet, a good camera, seriously, that’s how big the
difference is going to be.”
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Opinion: “I wish Montauk had waves!”
By Chas Smith
It would be the epicenter!
And have you ever been to Montauk or the
Hamptons during summertime? Oh it is something to behold. Nantucket
Red pants cuffed just so, popped Polo collars, lobster rolls,
Jaguars, cocaine, cocaine, pills, cocaine.
Land Rovers.
I have been once though it was many years ago though it was also
a famous Hollywood producer or executive producer’s birthday party
with many other famous Hollywood producer or executive producer
friends in tow with also a wheelbarrow full of male models.
Ooooee but I digress. One of the male models, now caught up in
the #metoo scandals, tried to crawl into bed with my wife and me
but I digress again.
Cocaine.
Just yesterday the bust of a lifetime happened as Newsday
reports:
A monthslong investigation that struck at the “heart” of
Montauk’s drug scene resulted in 16 arrests, authorities said on
Thursday, as well as the seizure of cash and drugs after working
cooks and barbacks sold cocaine, oxycodone and other opioids out of
restaurant and bar kitchens.
The drug ring “took advantage of the tourism and commercial
activity” during the Montauk summer season and jacked up drug
prices by more than double the street value, Suffolk County
District Attorney Timothy Sini said at news conference.
“There’s an indication that several of the defendants were
coming to work in Montauk specifically to sell drugs,” Sini said,
“using their jobs in the service industry as a cover for their
narcotics organization.”
It’s a love story (buy here) but can you imagine if Montauk had
waves? It would be the most cocaine place on earth.
When I was there with the Hollywood executive/producers and male
models I ran into Danny Fuller and the famed Surf Lodge.
What was I writing about again?
Oh yeah. I wish Montauk had waves.
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What an epic, and deeply ironic, occasion it would be
if Filipe, who wants to erase doubts about being able to surf big
lefts more than anything, wins Teahupoo in waves sub-par to a
wakeboard lake in Central California. | Photo: WSL
Day Three, Tahiti Pro: “Filipe Toledo’s
Epic Story of fate and fortune!”
By Longtom
Brazilians Medina, Toledo and Ferreira storm to
finals in teeny waves at Teahupoo…
Where are you at with the backlash to Ziff’s
speech… are you part of the backlash to the backlash?
Feeling sorry for WSL?
I confess when I saw that frothy baby food on offer this morning
I couldn’t help think of Richard Yates’ Revolutionary Road. The
opening scenes of the novel are a brutal, brutal depiction of bush
league batters and their dreams dying on the diamond.
“She was working alone and visibly weakening with every
line.”
Cue Surf Ranch ad.
“She had begun to alternate between false theatrical gestures
and a white-knuckled immobility… you could see the warmth of
humiliation rising in her neck.”
Watching made me ponder whether there was a universe where I
could come on over to the Team WSL, transgress completely, just for
the sheer thrill of it. If surfing takes its rightful place among
the great and elite competitive sports , says Ziff, everyone
connected with it will prosper.
I am connected with it. I’ve watched, paid careful attention to
more pro surfing than Jehovah himself. Written thousands and
thousands of words. Do I not have a legitimate self-interest in
pumping up the tyres, in grabbing a slice of the action?
Well, I’m gunna.
Straight after Surf Ranch. I’m thinking of a number, WSL,
sufficient to let me spruik Blink 182 full bore, full-blast without
gagging.*
Medina looked the hottest pick today, no real change to the
forecast or his prospects for victory but before I go full 100%
positive sicko mode I just need to clear up two little
misconceptions which Coté and Mel have been pumping all comp. Coté
kept saying during close losses that hard work will pay off. He
said it after Jesse Mendes lost by a tenth of a point to Wade
Carmichael. Mendes has been working his arse off. He needs
the opposite of a Calvinist
approach. Less work, more flair.
Mendes himself had a much more accurate read: “ I guess the
judges don’t like my surfing.” A much tougher nut to crack.
Mel continued the innocent fraud by repeating the conventional
wisdom that the “talent level keeps rising each and every
season.”
I’m afraid your own judging panel disagrees with you. Talent
ebbs and flows but you’d be brave or myopic to discount Dane then
JJF, Medina in 2011 as great leaps forwards in talent. Many, many
one-year rookies and journeymen ground to sausage meat since then.
Italo is probably the one exception that proves the rule.
Great and elite competitive sports realise the rarity and the
extraordinary value of marquee talents. And there will be a deficit
when half the Tour retires at the end of this season. Recycled
Aussie rookies will have to do a lot of heavy lifting to raise any
kind performance bar if staying on Tour remains the end game.
Today in the course of the coverage I met not one, but two of
the mythical unicorns the WSL once counted as “hand raisers” for
pro surfing. The no- surfing surfing fan. Well close enough. A
Prague local, twenty-something, now living in Sydney. Rides a 7S
fish at Bondi. I gave her the screen for the ADS/Igarashi heat. Put
it on full-screen and silent so she couldn’t see the scores. Told
her to write a number beside every wave then add up the top two for
each surfer at the end.
She had Adriano winning by three points. I told her Igarashi
won.
“Why,” she said. “How?”
“In the same way we can’t understand quantum physics, we cannot
understand pro surfing judging,” I assured her.
On the return journey I got a forty-something naturalised
German, aid worker for the UN just back from separating warring
tribes in Ethiopia. Sometime surfer. Could name Kelly and the “guy
who fought the shark, the albino guy”. He correctly identified,
with German precision, Yago Dora as winner against Mikey
Wright.
“How did you tell he won?” I asked.
“The scarecrow with the mullet fell off too many times,” he
said.
It was noted that Wright offered no handshake to his Brazilian
victor.
Did you see Strider find his own version of the unicorn late in
the afternoon in the channel in one of the boats? Dangerous blonde
here on her own for a month. Looked like someone straight out of a
Raymond Chandler novel. Poor old Strider went into full sicko mode
himself when he heard she was here alone
“Whoa boys…come on down!” Settle sick boy.
Toledo was dominant on a quad against wildcard Smith in heat
six. His equipment has looked a notch above all season.
Mike February won his round four heat to advance to the
quarters. I’ll let that sit there, while it sinks in.
And then be a wanker by reckoning I would put even money on me
beating him in barrelling four-to-six-foot Teahupoo.
Owen waited for two bombs on a day when they might not come at
all. His surfing drew the high pitched yuk-yuk-yuk excited
whinny from Barton that showed it was legit.
Medina blew a bomb on his opening strike against Brother and
Yago Dora and then relentlessly regained control of the lead with
two massive rides. Massive in the context of the day, that is.
The last heat of round four, to finish the day was epic
entertainment. A worthy half-hour if you wanted to watch one heat
in it’s entirety. J-Flo hula-hooped his way through a blue-hued
traveller then burrowed in like a tick to suck the last drops of
tube plasma from a tight and technical ride.
Connor O’leary and Italo Ferreira fought a pitched battle to
progress. A flurry of rides in the last three minutes decided it.
Italo launching a clean reverse then a rotation into the flats onto
dry reef to better both scores. Connor answered with power surfing,
spray turning golden against a low slung sun. An age passed after
the heat as judges reckoned with the rides. You could not imagine
our unicorns being able to split them. Italo got the nod. He roared
and punched his board with delight.
Brazil remains the dominant pro surfing nation as the sun sets
August 17, year of our Lord 2018.
Wait, August 16… it’s yesterday in Tahiti!
*80 Grand, plus super. Paid leave. Company car and phone. Cheap
as chips.
Tahiti Pro Round 3 Results:
Heat 1: Michael February (ZAF) 9.66 def. Jordy Smith (ZAF) 4.83
Heat 2: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 12.50 def. Michael Rodrigues (BRA)
5.07
Heat 3: Wade Carmichael (AUS) 9.50 def. Jesse Mendes (BRA) 9.40
Heat 4: Owen Wright (AUS) 14.27 def. Joel Parkinson (AUS) 10.83
Heat 5: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) 11.40 def. Adriano De Souza (BRA)
11.17
Heat 6: Filipe Toledo (BRA) 14.66 def. Tikanui Smith (PYF) 6.90
Heat 7: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 14.73 def. Wiggolly Dantas (BRA)
13.67
Heat 8: Kolohe Andino (USA) 13.27 def. Frederico Morais (PRT)
12.36
Heat 9: Yago Dora (BRA) 12.90 def. Mikey Wright (AUS) 8.24
Heat 10: Connor O’Leary (AUS) 16.53 def. Michel Bourez (PYF)
11.34
Heat 11: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 13.14 def. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
9.93
Heat 12: Italo Ferreira (BRA) 12.14 def. Ian Gouveia (BRA)
10.34
Tahiti Pro Round 4 Results:
Heat 1: Michael February (ZAF) 14.10, Wade Carmichael (AUS) 12.07,
Ezekiel Lau (HAW) 10.97
Heat 2: Owen Wright (AUS) 12.69, Filipe Toledo (BRA), Kanoa
Igarashi (JPN) 8.26
Heat 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) 13.67, Kolohe Andino (USA) 10.43, Yago
Dora (BRA) 9.50
Heat 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) 15.24, Italo Ferreira (BRA) 13.10,
Connor O’Leary (AUS) 11.34
Tahiti Pro Quarterfinal Matchups:
QF 1: Michael February (ZAF) vs. Filipe Toledo (BRA)
QF 2: Owen Wright (AUS) vs. Wade Carmichael (AUS)
QF 3: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)
QF 4: Jeremy Flores (FRA) vs. Kolohe Andino (USA)
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Feedback loop: “Blink and surfing are
perfect!”
By Chas Smith
Who will be the last man standing? (Hint: The
People™)
I had one moment of respite today and it
coincided directly with the thought, “I wonder what people are
saying about blink-182 + Surf Ranch on the World Surf League’s own
Instagram?” I know mine has been blown up with, “Can you believe
this shit?” And, “What in the world surf league were they
thinking?” And, “Seriously?” And, “Alien Goblincock.” And, “Imagine
having to pay to watch a surfing comp and then listen to these
cunts? Fuck that!”
But what about @WSL’s social media? Were they copping an equal
amount of… passion?
I used that one moment of respite to find out and was shocked by
the complete positivity.
taufik41 Wish i could be there!!!!!! Blink and
surfing are perfect
tiannephotoWhhhhaaaaaattttttt?!?!?? 😳😳😳 you get
to see blink at the contest?!?!? @jeremyryan__ … I’m soooo jealous
🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈😩😩😩😩
jonnyyybgood @allierenees we’re going. It’s not
even a question
jackfreestone So sick
On and on it goes a whole 250 times with the odd grumpy surfer
comment thrown in for good measure but the excitement, once again,
shocked me. Shocked me before the reality landed. The WSL and I are
both stuck in feedback loops. Pushing an agenda then getting buoyed
by the response. Of course I know that my agenda, making surfing
dirty again, cocaine (buy here!), etc. is
correct and the WSL’s is misguided and/or very sinful model is
bound for ultimate failure but, I suppose, Backward Fin Beth and
the lot must only be getting hyped and it makes more sense how
emails like this get sent.
Beth: Mr Ziff, hope this email finds you
well. Just wanted to point out that @trent_vy is telling
@br0ckmiller “bro that would be the coolest thing we could ever
do.” in regards to our Surf Ranch + blink-182 rollout. Have a great
lunch. Order the poke but remember it is pronounced pok-é not poke
as in, ‘Jack Freestone just poked you on Facebook.’ Big Shakas,
Beth.
It’s gonna be a real letdown when they realize Chas Smith is one
of 700 other blink-182/professional surf fans attending over the
four day run.
700/4 = 175 per day.
Feedback loops are the worst.
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Matt Wilkinson is Lemoore ready! | Photo: Steve
Sherman/@tsherms
Matt Wilkinson: “The wave pool should be…
fun?”
By Chas Smith
Are any pros excited for Lemoore?
I have always been a fan of Matt Wilkinson
though became very much less so when he jettisoned the
good-natured, blue-collar thing for front-running, weight-lifting,
no-cocaine-sniffing potential World Champ.
Do you remember? A few seasons back when he won three events in
a row? It seems like he lost his sense of humor during that run.
Like it drowned at the bottom of a protein shake. Like when the
great Australian journalist Fred Pawle called him a “yobbo” and
Wilkinson took great offense threatening physical violence etc.
What a strange time it was and sad for what is surfing without
being laughable?
Today, sitting outside the qualification bubble after a tough
luck stretch, Matt Wilkinson feels back. Honest, real, though
semi-depressed. His post-heat interview with Rosie after his loss
to someone is a study in manhood.
I would imagine he would rather not talk through his
frustrations but he does, eyes betraying genuine feeling, soft
voice working through the pain. The most interesting part of the
chat, though, is when he speaks about his prospects for the rest of
the tour.
Rosie: Matty you are outside of
qualification at the moment. How are you gonna turn your season
around?
Matt: Yeah, I’ll keep plugging away and the
wave pool should be… fun? I kinda don’t really know what to expect
there. I’ve done a few days there and put some practice in and
hopefully put more than a five on the board and… I don’t know… do
the wave pool…
His voice loses all steam as he goes along, deflating entirely
by the end. There clearly seems to be no relish in going to Lemoore
and, now that I think about it, I haven’t heard any pros talk with
gusto about the Surf Ranch event.
Why? Are they hedging bets in case the performance is found
wanting? Genuinely not excited about four days in Lemoore? It is a
known quantity by now. There are no surprises left and I wonder if
the woke feel the tug of history pulling away from tubs.
Or maybe the deflation has directly to do with how the World
Surf League has marketed the event. Inside sources tell me ticket
sales are lagging far behind expectations but this information came
before the blink-182 announcement so who knows.
Whatever the case, I’ll be there cheering for the Matt Wilkinson
I used to know and love. High-fiving Tom DeLonge (emotionally).
