Where the "mean" gets put into "mean-spirited!"
Fantasies can be fun, right? My top two fantasies are as follows:
• A dimmable light, tender foreplay and Van Morrison’s Astral Weeks on shuffle.
• A DeLorean, 1.21 gigawatts and a page-one rewrite of my formative years.
But fantasies and their inherent optimism can be a double-edged SUP foil fin. They can lead to disappointment, delusion and the sprouting of bona fide hope. Yikes! As it was so poetically put by some freedom fighter while being captured by some militia, “Hope can be dan—.”
In his great-to-read-in-a-Planned-Parenthood-waiting-room book, The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck, modern day thinkman Mark Manson (no known relation to Charles) illuminates upon notions of reality and value in ways that can take a deep dive into mid-life-crisis-induced, selfhelp literature to new depths. Paraphrased highlights include:
• To want a thing is to create a vacuum of the thing. Thus, to want is to lack.
• To accept a negative thing is a positive thing and to desire a positive thing is a negative thing.
Play some logical jazz… and… ergo… To want a bad thing is a good thing! Folks, I bring you the bottom up, critique’s wet dream, undeveloped photo negative, modern day realist’s platform for sports viewing adjacent entertainment: Reality Surfer!™* Why twist your brain into knots over hypothetical heat winners when you can choose the losers instead? Why let your emotions fly off into flights of fancy when you can embrace the modern era of microscopic scorn and disdain? Why place your analytical energy into a single event champion when you can up your odds of endorphin production by forecasting the four 33rds now known as the Bridesmaids’ Maids’ Maids’ Maids.
Functioning somewhat like the perpetual-case-of-the-Mondays Sartre to the TGIF! Kant, or Danny DeVito to Arnold Schwarzenegger from the endearing 80s monozygotic classic Twins, Reality Surfer! ™* won’t tempt one with victorious visions of grandeur but more so allow one to relish in the delicious pleasure of seeing others fail.
In mathematical form:
You Choose + They Lose = You Win
Imagine the matrix of speculative delight that could come from watching yourself weave dazzling hypothetical defeat through an event bracket before the event even starts. If you’re a hipster and “all about that retro,” look at it like a Roman resurgence — albeit more civilized — where plebeians packing the arenas were as pleased at witnessing both glory and carnage. I can’t recall if it was Potz or Turpel or Mel, but I’m certain that somewhere along the careening coastal road of interminable rebranding someone in camp WSL referred to these professional surf folks as “gladiators.” I think it was Potz.
Not only would this give the bottom half of the tour a valid reason for strapping on their leash and paddling out, just think of how entertaining this would make the nonsensically-titled “Seeding” and misleadingly-titled “Elimination” rounds. With Reality Surfer! ™*, every moment from the first buzzer is one of thrilling anticipation.
To note, this platform is not for haters.
It’s for lovers.
Specifically, those who love to hate.
In truth, we all love surfing and we’re doing our best to adapt to the vicissitudes of viewing our heroes devote their lives to the dream tour. Without them, where would we direct our passive aggressive, self-righteous superiority? However, if the competitive surfing of someone whose name rhymes with, say, No One Guru, Less He Vendes or Jack Fleestone bore you to the point where you want to slam your head into the reef, this merely provides an opportunity to snag a few snide points on the coattails of their professional mediocrity.
What do you say?
Are you with me?
Do you have the skills to actually launch this platform?
I don’t! But let’s do it anyway! Let’s ride that wave!Let’s embrace reality with some mother-fucking moxie!
Bonus Closeout Section:
Q: What did the realist say to the optimist while the optimist was being mauled by a 14-foot
tiger shark?
A: Damn. That bites.
*This trademark symbol was copy/pasted and serves as no ownership of this idea. However, if someone with an entrepreneurial spirit decides to successfully launch this platform and make boatloads of money as a result, please be ethical and give me 10%.
Remember, hell is very hot.
I knew we’d find common ground
Did that stone cold sober, baby!
Sounds great, Smurf.
There’s nothing like death-riding a surfer on your team in the hope that they crash and burn into the charred remains of Reality Surfer success.
We just started up a fantasy game, and the person with the shittiest team for each event wins a carton of toilet paper. You’re welcome to try your hand…
Van Morrison sucks, but he put Astral Weeks in that order for a reason. Why would you play it on shuffle Smurfaholic?
To heighten the spontaneity of the moment
You got some good stuff going on lately BM. I think Smurfy had a little too much of the blue acid that’s been going around. Nice shout out to Jams. The old downunda sausages here might not know about the rich history of Jams and Surfline Hawaii and the incredible story of Dave Rochlen and his Hawaiian wife Keanuenue Ka’eo.
Surfline Hawaii was a premier surf shop during the 60’s and 70’s with top tier shapers and riders. His son Pua and granddaughter Jenna still carry on the clothes line. We love our fat floral cotton baggies dat keep da olos cool.
With a head like that I’d turn the lights right off
Ive read that book, it helped me get over how bad it was.
Is this Ben? Ben, I neither know you nor do I know why everyone on here dislikes you, but you should really make a habit of finishing your.
May I presumably finish it for you?
“Conspiracy theorists should be transported alongside homeless, thieves, meth an(d) opioid addicts… to resident treatment facilities sponsored by the government where they can be welcomed with warm embrace by a caring staff and receive the greatest depths of compassion man can offer, namely an earnest and painstaking attempt by a fellow, willing, selfless human at them actually being understood, heard, seen, and recognized as someone of value, one both unique and of many, gone astray, plagued by their own shortcomings, victimized by their own chemical or psychological imbalance, their own human condition, whereby the unconditional love bestowed upon them may break their chains of bondage so they can rise up, reborn, rehabilitated, healed, new men and reunite with their fellows in the passing lane on the highway to happy destiny.”
I smell a witty over embellished reply being typed out on word pad and transferred over to avoid the “person is typing” and all his mistakes.
I’m not familiar with word pad, but I use Pages on a Mactop. And I didn’t realize we were two old men playing chess in Washington Square Park with a minute glass timer. I’ve said too much I regret in my life to not at attempt to think before I say something else. And I over embellish everything. My wife calls it “hyperbole”.
Smurfy, Charles Manson was a CIA stooge, tasked with bringing down the 1960’s hippie movement which was seen as an economical and sociological threat to both the government and its Vietnam war.
Reality is never what it seems…but he’ll.
Let them eat cake.
My aging memory recalls seeing on a plane a few years ago a film called THE BIG SHORT which was all about betting / investing ( could someone explain to me the difference ) on a losing economy and winning ?
THE BIG SHORTBOARD!
Nice piece Smurfy the Surfy .
Have a look at “Betting on zero” on Netflix. It gives an idiot’s crash course in shorting stocks while also unpacking the pyramid layers of herbalife. Scary stuff!
Wealth is gotten through stealing another’s efforts.
fun!
thank you for reminding me of this:
https://www.youtube.com/wat…
Not the type of coffin ride I am partial to ……
Isn’t this the ….Lost Manifesto?
Fun read Smurfaholic.
I believe the realist would actually say:
“It can’t be both a tiger and a shark.”
The pessimist says
Tiger or Shark, either way
I had it coming