A little rope of drool runs down your chin as South African grand slam finally comes to life…

How many narratives you want? Jordy, Gabriel, Kolohe, Filipe, Iggy…Kelly. 

A world title race for the ages with a man almost hitting fifty able to steal into the top five, a kid who’s played second-viola to his childhood pal for the last decade suddenly propelled into the ratings lead and a defending champ rising from the dead.

Waves? I’m told it’s good to gooder.

If you’re in the US, throw a few candy peppermints in your vodka martini; Australia, you got two hours before dark.

Europe? Still partying, yeah? The sky a swollen purple, your body jerking in little spasms? Stay with us.

Watch here. 

Comment below.

Corona Open J-Bay Men’s Round of 16 Matchups:
Heat 1: Jordy Smith (ZAF) vs. Owen Wright (AUS)
Heat 2: Gabriel Medina (BRA) vs. Ryan Callinan (AUS)
Heat 3: Kolohe Andino (USA) vs. Deivid Silva (BRA)
Heat 4: Ezekiel Lau (HAW) vs. Adrian Buchan (AUS)
Heat 5: Filipe Toledo (BRA) vs. Willian Cardoso (BRA)
Heat 6: Sebastian Zietz (HAW) vs. Michel Bourez (FRA)
Heat 7: Kanoa Igarashi (JPN) vs. Peterson Crisanto (BRA)
Heat 8: Kelly Slater (USA) vs. Italo Ferreira (BRA)

"I say that as preamble because I have always seemed to struggle on the CI's."

It’s an internet proverb that people generally surf better on Merricks/Channel Islands surfboards. In the particular it’s hard to argue against with respect to Tom Curren, Kelly Slater and Dane.

Go back to 2012/13 when Kelly was rocking the hexagons at Cloudbreak and marvel at the union of man and surfboard.

Or Tom on the Red Beauties at the Stubbies, with the vest and the cute French wife.

Dane in Mexico on sawn off Neckbeards with the pudgy white Dad legs was mind exploding.

Sure Kelly is going alright now with the Tokoros and the Aipas but he’s never had his equipment dialled in as solidly as when he was on the CI’s.

Unsponsored shredders also do very well on them. I say that as preamble because I have always seemed to struggle on the CI’s. I don’t know why. I found the Rocket Wide tricky and temperamental, I passed it onto a friend and he ripped on it.

So, unlike Jamie Brisick and his martinis, I approached the CI Happy with low expectations. Circumstances that followed were not kind. I had a lot of trouble getting go-outs on it.

After putting the best wax job in history on it the surf went flat.

Then the wind howled and it went giant.

I rode a Bonzer Octafish in tiny rock runners then a Brewer gun in wild holy rollers out near the shipping channel while the perfectly waxed Happy sat under a table in the house. Sharkiness increased and interrupted the seasonal surf program.

Loved the outline, was looking for the right day.

When it was apparent I was under some CI curse it seemed time to pass it on over to my Bribie pal unridden and let him get after it. On the way to his gaff I checked the point, which I do about 50 times a day and the waves looked fun.

Not giant, not tiny rock runners. The right day to get Happy in the water.

The detour via other boards of very different provenance was fortuitous. Compared to the Sharp Eye HT2.5 which I’d been riding religiously and relentlessly the Happy is a very different beast. Narrower in the nose and tail*.

The Sharp Eye has more nose and tail flip compared to the Happy’s lower entry rocker, fairly low curve and typical Merrick tail curve. Which meant for practical purposes I found the HT2.5 a better paddler getting from A to B in the lineup while the Happy paddled into waves better.

Neither are, by any means, good paddlers, so if you have cooked shoulders you ain’t in the ballpark for either sled. Walk on by. Don’t let the video footage of Connor Coffin at Kirra fool you; he’s getting towed back to the take-off by a jetski: for the working gal who has to paddle back there’s no easy metres on a Happy.

Somehow, and I don’t know how because it makes no sense, I found the rocker curve easier to get along with than the Rocket Wide. No obvious quirks in the board. This is riding it in mediocre-to-good Point surf, which is daily fare on this coastline during southern Hemi Winter

First impressions: maybe I won’t pass this onto my pal just yet. Had to ignore a couple of texts asking me when I was going to drop the board around. Tight outline wants to get right up into the pocket and whip around. Carves through a turn very cleanly. Standard single-concave-to-double-concave bottom feels completely familiar and runs clean while rolling onto a rail in a predictable fashion.

Somehow, and I don’t know how because it makes no sense, I found the rocker curve easier to get along with than the Rocket Wide. No obvious quirks in the board. This is riding it in mediocre-to-good Point surf, which is daily fare on this coastline during southern Hemi Winter.

The Happy travelled a couple of points further south for a weekend of more intense testing in a major eas- swell event. In an unruly ragged double overhead rock bottom lineup the board felt undernourished and underpowered for the way I like to get around a lineup.

Too many nursed turns and late drops out of pitching lips. I went back to a 6’6” Desert Storm with substantially more horsepower the next day and had more fun.

The surf pumped and my local had the day of the year. I rode the bigger board and picked off bombs. Next day, with a slight diminishment in size but still double overhead I took the Happy out.

Surprisingly, in solid but cleaner conditions it gobbled up the extra juice. It’s not a wide point forwards design like the Pyzel Ghost or Lost Sabotaj. Put it on the ground and stare at it long enough and you’ll see an early 90’s style outline.

Sometime in the mid-90’s Litmus bought in the retro movement then Occy and Sunny’s World Titles banished the 90’s style Merrick’s for good. If you ever wondered what would happen if those boards had a decent meal and were given sane rocker curves then the Happy is a result.

That petite squash appeals to me. The narrow tail gives more latitude for lax back-foot placement and a weak back leg. If you do have a functioning rail game based on the back foot you’ll find the Happy whips through a turn in the bowl with much control.

If you were new to the Futures game starting with AM1’s or AM2’s would be a very high percentage play. That’s the basic Merrick template that works in anything. I use tail width as the starting point. Narrower tail block, like the Happy and the AM1’s get the jersey. If you just had those two fin sets you’re covered for 99% of the shortboard game.

The higher end surprised me. I used JJF M fins made from recycled plastic and they felt good and made me feel OK when my teenage daughter asked me what I was doing to address climate change. The Futures fin is the clearly superior removable fin system but the website can be confusing. The JJF fin is a neutral feeling fin that feels solid in good waves. It doesn’t dominate the hull in any directional sense. The Alpha material fin I used, made from recycled plastic is a bit more flexy than the stiffer tech-flex. It felt a bit more lively than I thought from giving it a hand flex test. Felt zero compunction to change out the JJF fins.

If you were new to the Futures game starting with AM1’s or AM2’s would be a very high percentage play. That’s the basic Merrick template that works in anything. I use tail width as the starting point. Narrower tail block, like the Happy and the AM1’s get the jersey. If you just had those two fin sets you’re covered for 99% of the shortboard game.

Pretty sure I could shred a wave at lower trestles on the Happy, though if I’m being perfectly honest I’d rather pick a board out of Joel Tudor’s quiver with some more crowd control built into it.

If you didn’t need to pick something off the rack consider adding some customisation to this board. I’d add an inch or two while keeping roughly the same volume, the board rides a little smaller than it’s dimensions due to the pulled nose and tail. Add a little glass and weight. Make it a proper step-up.

The Team Light glass job felt a little flimsy in bigger than overhead surf with wind and bump. If you like them light the Spine Tek construction would add more durability.

If you are in Germany, or Slovenia or Novia Scotia, where boards are hard to come by, you could order this online, I think, and get what you pay for.

If you are in a country with surf shops then CI’s are everywhere, so my recommendation would be to put one under the wing. If that narrow squash appeals – and that is the main feature of the board – then this whip will go fine for you.

*Don’t expect much low end with the reduction in planing area in the tail. But I bet this would go great at Slater’s surf basin.

Lewd! Ambush! Surf star disgusted!

Two afternoons ago, the morality police, in the form of a gossip writer for a major Australian daily newspaper, came banging on the door of your old pal DR.

The day before, I’d written what could loosely be called a “story”, an interview with Gold Coast surfer Ellie-Jean Coffey who’d just told her one million followers she was “single as fuck” after a recent breakup. 

Mining tits for clicks, as they say.

I texted EJ and asked if she would agree to let me mine her breakup etc.

“Hello darling. 100% agree call me now.”

I called, bad line, turned to text. 

A little banter etc, asked about the joys and challenges of a three-way relationship, she wrote, ‘What’s that haha” and “Nah I’m too jealous haha.”

Asked for a photo, she sent it. 

Sent story, she wrote: “Love it.”

The gossip writer emailed:

1) What was the purpose of the article?
2) Why did you think it was appropriate to ask a 24-year-old about her sexual preferences? Especially in the age of the Me Too movement when reporters are constantly being shut down for asking sexist questions?
3) Do you moderate the comments section on the website?

I replied, one, mining for clicks, like you.

Two, Because she’s a brave revolutionary who isn’t afraid of subverting the strict morality imposed on public figures.

And,

Three, Does a Persian cat like to loll in the sun?, a line I think I stole from Longtom.

I heard about the story, headlined Lewd ‘ambush’ leaves surfer gritting teeth when EJ called to apologise and to tell me her words were twisted etc.

“Coffey said she was disgusted by the questions and that she was ambushed by the interview…’I was getting on a bus, I had a really busy day, the bus was crowded and I got ambushed…I got a phone call and boom.'” 

Earlier today, a couple of helpful BeachGrit readers forwarded a screen shot.

What thrills most is the writer, a country kid whose talents were forged in the fires of the Gold Coast Bulletin where she broke stories like the ‘The man who supplies luxury toilets to the stars’, wrote breathless recaps of Bachelor in Paradise and whose current paper has been ordered to pay out almost three million bucks for defaming Oscar-winning actor Geoffrey Rush, may not be the shocked matron she portrays.

On her Twitter feed, which you can examine here, there is a reference to men “fingering other men’s buttholes” and another instance where she announces, “Why does it matter who we f*ck?”

Hypocrisy is the grease that keeps society functioning in an agreeable way, as they say.