The burn. The wonderful burn.

Today, or maybe it was yesterday, tears of joy are/were streaming down tanned cheeks in Noosa, Australia. Yes, the region was just declared the tenth World Surfing Reserve but, more importantly, longboard icon, prodigal son and BeachGrit favorite Joel Tudor has returned and vanquished all-comers.

You’ll recall Joel Tudor getting angry again, the time he called BeachGrit “some gossip bitches“, the time  he told Ryan Burch he’d “kick him in the fucking knees” etc. but mostly you’ll recall his various beefs with nemesis Kelly Slater here, here, here, etc.

My personal favorite was when he called Kelly Slater out for wearing the wrong color’d belt (here) but what was yours?

The time he got Kelly Slater to change an Instagram caption?

Good choice and with his victory yesterday, Joel Tudor stands ready to change the history books, wiping Kelly Slater’s name from what, I assume, is his most cherished record. Being the oldest man on earth to ever win a professional surfing championship tour event.

Kelly Slater, you know without me reminding you, was 44-years-old when he won the 2016 Teahupoo Pro. Joel Tudor was 43 at his victory yesterday and, by all measure, has much gas in the tank.

Shall we read the press release?

Almost 20 years after his last appearance at the Noosa Festival, and 16 years since his last ASP / WSL event win, Joel Tudor (USA) has taken another major victory, at the ripe age of 43. A two-time World Longboard Champion (‘98 and ‘04), Tudor is an icon of surfing and longboarding in particular, winning his first professional event at 15. He is now running his own logging invitational events, the ‘Vans Duct Tape Series’ globally, celebrating traditional longboarding.

Tudor made a trip to Australia to surf with his sons on the points of Noosa and check out the Noosa Festival and was given a wildcard into the event, which he then went onto win. Tudor now finds himself sitting in No. 1 on the World Longboard Rankings and with no choice but to go for his third World Longboard Title.

“I think the last time I won this event was 20 years ago and most of the competitors here this week weren’t even born,” Tudor said. “Then I won my last ASP event 16 years ago so it’s been a long time since I’ve been here. I didn’t really plan on competing in this event, then I got the wildcard and kept making heats and found a rhythm, it wasn’t until the semifinals though that I knew that I could win. It was cool to come up against Kevin (Skvarna), he is one of the best guys at the Duct Tape events so it was rad to share a heat with him.

The best part of this win is that my kids are here. They’ve seen the trophies and heard the stories but now they’ve seen their dad win, something which is really cool. I suppose I’m going to have to go for my third world title now, which will be epic.”

The oldest to ever win a surfing world title?

Ooooooh the burn. The wonderful burn.

Smack.

First they came for Laird Hamilton and we did not speak out because we did not like Laird Hamilton. Then they came for lakes and ponds etc. and we did not speak out because who cares about those weird little bodies of boring water where diseases of the eye etc. flourish? Then they came for our ocean’s waves and we all just mostly glared and muttered to each other with the odd extra loud grunt being directed toward those standing in our midst. Pretty ineffective, to be honest. Then they came for our World Surf League and there was nothing left to say because we had proven ourselves easily conquerable and generally weak-willed.

A standup paddleboarder in charge. A standup paddleboarder as professional surfing’s visionary leader, our Chief Executive and Lord Commander. A standup paddleboarder pulling all the strings.

A standup paddleboarder.

But how did Erik Logan celebrate his evisceration of our most cherished ideals? His bending us right over and smacking our bared bottoms with a high-tech, carbon fiber oar?

By going to Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch, of course.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B89Ip0bALh8/

And here we see professional surfing’s visionary new leader, our Chief Executive and Lord Commander, using that same high-tech, carbon fiber oar to stall poignantly for Kelly’s li’l barrel. Mocking us in ways we haven’t been mocked since Point Break II.

And here we read the Standup Journal’s account of the moment when the most aberrant, most bastardized, form of wave sliding came to destroy and maim us all.

Erik Logan finds a little time off in the shade of Kelly Slater’s surf ranch on his #blurrv2 by @infinity_sup in Lemoore, CA. Erik’s recent transition from President if OWN to the newly anointed CEO of the WSL has created a roar of approval throughout the surf industry. Elo, we salute you! Follow your dreams, folks. @wsl #infinitysup #eloforpresident #surfranch #wavesfordays #supsurf #greenroom #shred #shredmaster #infinityspeedfreaks #madeintheshade #supsurfer #perfectglass #ripping

The Standup Journal.

“The premiere stand up paddle magazine on the world: It’s a lifestyle choice.”

Not my lifestyle choice, nor yours, but here we are, wetsuits around ankles, the sound of carbon fiber against bared bottom filling the air.

Smack.

Smack.

Smack.

Smack.