And behold, I saw a white shark and upon him sat death.
And behold, I saw a white shark and upon him sat death.

Watch: Probable “apocalyptic mass human extinction event” playing out as fisherman captures footage of 100s of sharks converging on New Zealand capital!

And behold, I saw a white shark and upon him sat death.

New Zealanders woke up this morning excited that the greatest surfer of all time, Kelly Slater, is coming to their shores in just a few short weeks, bringing with him credibility for a long dismissed surf community. Bringing backhanded compliments and energy healing.

When he arrives it is very likely that none of them will be alive to witness his feet touching their shore for newly released video footage shows hundreds, possibly thousands of Great Whites converging off the coast, planning a mass human extinction event.

The disturbing video was shot near Kawau Island, not far from New Zealand’s capital and largest city. Let us read a first hand account of the horror before editorializing and working out a plan that might or might not include the sacrifice of millions of brave Kiwis.

Dipping a camera underwater (WATCH HERE) while on board a jetski wouldn’t be most people’s first response after spotting “hundreds” of sharks – but that’s exactly what Louis Giachetti did.

The Auckland fisherman captured what he says was hundreds of sharks hunting for food directly beneath him yesterday afternoon at Flat Rock fishing spot near Kawau Island.

“I didn’t freak out, it was just annoying they kept eating all the fish I was trying to catch,” Giachetti told the Herald.

Despite losing multiple lures to the sharks, Giachetti said the experience made it all worth it.

It is comforting to know that Mr. Giachetti didn’t freak out and was only annoyed. I hope he maintains the same steel spine when amputated arms, legs and feet litter his country’s streets. When the normally blue ocean water turns red thus making purple.

Very scary.

No more surfing in New Zealand. No more preparing for Kelly Slater’s arrival. It is time to go inside, lock the doors and pray the bloodcurdling screams of your neighbors can be muted by using SurfEars (buy here).

The above shark convergence, as terrifying as it is, is no one off. Weeks ago sharks practiced off lesser populated Aukland City.

Is Aukland City still around?

Any updates?

"Sexual assault!"
"Sexual assault!"

“Horror stingray strike” on pristine Australian beach leads to heart attack, near foot amputation, two-year bed stay and a beautiful fairytale ending!

It's anti-depressive!

Of all the things we surfers, we ocean enthusiasts, fear most, I think stingray hits are number one. Oh sure a “man-eating” Great White may take a chomp, a Killer Whale may tease before torturing. Eels, puffer fish, saltwater crocodiles, rabid seals and grumpy locals can, and often do, inflict terrible damage but the lowly stingray, hiding in the sand, waiting for his moment to throw his barb into our tender feet is both too common and too painful.

We try to tough it out when getting hit, though, don’t we. Try to keep the tears at bay and carry on like brave little soldiers but come and read the potential horrors of ignoring the terribly sting. Of not urinating upon it immediately then having your best friends urinate on it too.

But wait. Can a fairytale love story come from trauma? Let’s read the story of Sharon Glenelg, a powerful executive who was struck while “going for a little paddle” near Adelaide.

It was the first day of their visit Down Under and Sharon was determined to show the wine distributors her beautiful hometown, but in the murky water she didn’t notice a threatening tail.

I took a step and landed on a stingray, which pushed its barb into the bottom of my left foot,’ she said.

Although it was bleeding Sharon was determined to continue the trip, and simply patched up the wound.

But on the flight back to London her foot ‘blew up like a balloon’ and she was told the barb had caused extensive nerve damage. A serious infection had settled in.

‘I had 10 operations during this time and was off my feet for a total of two years. There was a permanent PICC line inserted into my arm feeding me the harshest antibiotics… they turned the whites of my eyes orange.’

She was flown back to the Royal Adelaide Hospital after three months to be treated by their new foot clinic.

On two occasions doctors talked about amputating her injured foot but they were able to save it by inserting plates and screws around her third and fourth toes.

‘I have been left with neuropathy in that foot, meaning I can’t feel anything,’ she said.

Sharon describes those two years as some of the ‘toughest’ in her life, made lighter by the fact she reconnected with an old friend – who would later become her husband and father to her children Luka, 13, and Hugo, 11.

She also decided to devote herself to things she had always wanted to do but put off when she was working so hard, namely singing lessons, knitting and mosaics.

Sharon even studied to become a marriage celebrant so she could bring joy to her friends, something that occupied her time while she wasn’t able to walk.

So there we have it. Yes the sting was painful, very damaging, but because of it love was found, children were had, singing, knitting and mosaics all practiced and friends joyously married.

Even stringray hits can be anti-depressive in the right context with or without much urinating.

NZ is OK and gets the Kelly Slater credibility stamp. (Photo: the iconic Steve Sherman)
NZ is OK and gets the Kelly Slater credibility stamp. (Photo: the iconic Steve Sherman) | Photo: Steve Sherman/@tsherms

Breaking: Kelly Slater to kick off 2020 season in New Zealand, competing there for first time in 30 years and giving “stamp of credibility” to local surf scene!

Thank you GOAT!

Can you believe? Surf news? Actual real surf news and I had to rub my eyes too. I had to rub them then do a double take* but there, in front of me, remained an old friend, the greatest surfer of all time, heading to New Zealand in order to take a spot from a young hopeful, play golf and give a “stamp of credibility” to the local scene.

And let’s tuck into the press release, very quickly, before having an important discussion.

The Piha Pro, which takes place between March 16-22, will be the first time Slater has competed in New Zealand since 1993.

The Piha Pro is one stop on the newly-announced WSL Challenger Series which will see more than 100 surfers chasing qualifying for the elite Championship Tour in 2021.

“I’m excited to be surfing again in an event in New Zealand and seeing all my fans there. I love the country and all it has to offer… incredible surf, golf and so much more,” Slater said.

“I’m also looking forward to starting my 2020 WSL season by competing at a Challenger Series event.”

Event director Chris Simpson was pleased to see Slater will compete in New Zealand for the first time in 27 years.

“This is a real coup for the Corona Piha Pro; to have the greatest of all time in our first year goes to show how well-regarded Piha is as a surf destination,” said Simpson.

“It gives us a real stamp of credibility and is going to create hype around the sporting community in New Zealand.”

Now, this new Challenger Series sounds like it might be a good time, no? But I’m still utterly confused. Does it replace the QS? Is it a bridge between the QS and the CT or is it like the XFL a “different” league for athletes who are “almost good?”

It’s nice, in whatever case, that Kelly Slater is going and taking a slot from someone who, best case scenario, might end up on the CT someday as a number 23 spot and annoy us for one entire half of the year in that bottom half of the draw.

An act of mercy.

It’s also nice that Kelly Slater is giving New Zealand a real surf stamp of credibility but, and correct me if I’m wrong, isn’t Luke Cederman from the country?

Didn’t he provide that stamp years ago?

Negatron? Any insight here?

*As “President of Content, Media, Studios, Etc. Erik “ELo” Logan was an utter failure. Never before in my years as a surf journalist have I seen such an absolute dearth of professional surfing related content.

Fire-crotch: “Vaginal weightlifting can give anyone who practises it the best sex of their lives!”

"Carrying a surfboard under your arm is a thing of the past."

Vaginal weightlifting is an activity that would be best described, I think, as niche.

Not for any rational reason: it’s photogenic and any sort of championship would makes for more compelling live viewing than a two-week surf event.

Kim Amani, a forty-seven surfer and “intimacy coach”, is a devotee of Vaginal Kung Fu, where a weight is inserted into the vagina with a string attached to a heavier object, a surfboard for example.

Better orgasms via a “toned and sleek vagina” ergo better sex.

Amani says she can lift ten pounds, or four-and-a-half kilograms, with her genital muscles and enjoy twenty consecutive orgasms.

“When I speak of vaginas that shoot ping pong balls and open beer bottles and win world records, these aren’t wild exceptions to what vaginas can do (though they are currently). Every woman can do these things,” Amani writes on her website.

For men, Amani offers lessons in how to achieve a “Supercock” etc.

Listen here. 

Watch: Killer Whale brutally massacres lovable dolphin then “prances about like Donald Trump” while showing off lifeless victims’s tail!

Or are you a Pete Buttigieg man?

If we think for, even one moment, that nature has a heart, has benevolence and love we only have to turn our eyes to the ocean for there we see horror and terror. We see grown men and sometimes women choosing to stroke the horizon on stand-up paddleboards.

We see grown men and sometimes women paddling mid-length surfboards into the lineup. Surfboards that used to be called “funboards” or “eggs” that only the morally illiterate went for.

We see Killer Whales eating the tails off of Great White Sharks, yes, but we also see them pouncing on the “Poodle of the Sea” i.e. dolphin, massacring then showing off its carcass exactly like the President of the United States Donald Trump showed off the carcass of the Democratic Party (also of the United States) post-impeachment.

Or Bernie Sanders walloping the remaining Democratic field in last night’s debate.

Dancing on #MayorCheat’s grave.

The ocean.

Sometimes weird. Sometimes vicious.

Always entertaining.


You’re a Pete Buttigieg man?

For shame.

But also, are Killer Whales the new “Youth against Establishment?”


More as the story develops.