Hayden's Shape the unfortunate victim.
Hayden's Shape the unfortunate victim.

Update: 60-year-old New Zealand surf legend punches 9-foot Great White shark “smack bang in the eye!”

Not the nose as previously reported.

Boxing is a funny thing. In the moment, passions run so hot, fevers so high, that it is difficult to accurately assess where every punch lands. The nose and the eye are mere centimeters apart and so please forgive this morning’s report when it was revealed that a New Zealand surfer, likely inspired by Wilder vs. Fury II*, punched a shark in the nose.

As it turns out, and thanks to very fine reporting by New Zealand’s own Riley Elliott, that the surfer, 60-year-old Nick Minogue (possible relation to Kylie) punched a shark, a 9 foot Great White no less, in the eye.

And let us go straight to his Instagram account for the very latest.

View this post on Instagram

When a shark attack happens on your local surf beach, and it's likely a Great White, of which generally aren't common in this area, it's a surreal feeling. I spoke in length with Nick, the man who experienced this, straight after it happened, to try and get the fine details among the obvious shock and trauma experienced. The fine details help piece together what the shark likely was and how it behaved. From his description to me, which is well versed in the article from the paper, it appears to be a 2-3m great white shark. The key points that led me to this was firstly, bronze whalers, our most common coastal species in this area, swim around us a lot when we surf here. They are very smart about knowing what we are, so it would be highly surprising to have one follow through simple interest and curiosity with a full scale nibble. It would generally be more of a bump, and generally only if you have fish on you. The main point that eliminated my thoughts on a bronze whaler was Nicks detailed description of the eye, specifically how big it was. He said it was 2/3rds the size of a fist. Bronze whalers have small squinty eyes compared to a mako or white sharks, which have large eyes. To eliminate a mako, it is firstly odd to have one of this approximated 2-3m size, this close inshore. The colour Nick described, as grey also made a mako more unlikely, and a white the probable species. NZ is a global hotspot for great whites but generally the south islands lower half where seals live. However our northern estuaries are nursery grounds for baby whites and when they get above 2.5m they change their diet to seals and move down the coast. This sets a scene which is explanatory for such an encounter. Yes it's rare and unlikely, but the scenario for what was an investigatory bite by a juvenile shark, makes sense. Thank you Nick for being calm and cool. For not letting it deter you from a sport you love, and for understanding that sharks don't have hands and sometimes have to nibble. I'm just stoked you got your arm out of the way. Well done mate. Thanks to the lifeguards for, as always, doing a great job. I'm down in Tairua tomorrow if anyone needs any information

A post shared by Riley Elliott (@thelifeofrileynz) on

When a shark attack happens on your local surf beach, and it’s likely a Great White, of which generally aren’t common in this area, it’s a surreal feeling. I spoke in length with Nick, the man who experienced this, straight after it happened, to try and get the fine details among the obvious shock and trauma experienced. The fine details help piece together what the shark likely was and how it behaved. From his description to me, which is well versed in the article from the paper, it appears to be a 2-3m great white shark.

The key points that led me to this was firstly, bronze whalers, our most common coastal species in this area, swim around us a lot when we surf here. They are very smart about knowing what we are, so it would be highly surprising to have one follow through simple interest and curiosity with a full scale nibble. It would generally be more of a bump, and generally only if you have fish on you. The main point that eliminated my thoughts on a bronze whaler was Nicks detailed description of the eye, specifically how big it was. He said it was 2/3rds the size of a fist.

Bronze whalers have small squinty eyes compared to a mako or white sharks, which have large eyes. To eliminate a mako, it is firstly odd to have one of this approximated 2-3m size, this close inshore. The colour Nick described, as grey also made a mako more unlikely, and a white the probable species. NZ is a global hotspot for great whites but generally the south islands lower half where seals live.

However our northern estuaries are nursery grounds for baby whites and when they get above 2.5m they change their diet to seals and move down the coast. This sets a scene which is explanatory for such an encounter. Yes it’s rare and unlikely, but the scenario for what was an investigatory bite by a juvenile shark, makes sense. Thank you Nick for being calm and cool.

For not letting it deter you from a sport you love, and for understanding that sharks don’t have hands and sometimes have to nibble. I’m just stoked you got your arm out of the way. Well done mate. Thanks to the lifeguards for, as always, doing a great job. I’m down in Tairua tomorrow if anyone needs any information.

Now that’s surf journalism.

More as the story develops.

*In absolute stunner, The Gypsy King wins!


"Come ye foil kiters, ye high performance long boarders..."
"Come ye foil kiters, ye high performance long boarders..."

Breaking: “Surf-hating” Mayor Pete Buttigieg goes “full Inertia” after Nevada primary loss, actively calling for “open tent!”

"The definitive voice of surf and outdoors."

This 2020 United States Democratic Primary season is the most vital, most important, most serious moment in surf history. Never before has a major political party in a first world nation made destroying us, our way of life, a main pillar.

We are under attack. Erik Logan to the soft left of us, Democratic establishment politics to the softer left and here we are, stuck in middle with each other.

All of this nasty business got started when one-time Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton declared her hatred for our kind, employing anger-repressed Mayor Pete Buttigieg in her sinister game in the hopes that surfers would once and for all be wiped from the face of America, first, then the earth.

Scary times.

And much scarier now that Mayor Pete’s candidacy is faltering.

In a just delivered speech following his state of Nevada defeat, Buttigieg declared:

We can prioritize either ideological purity or inclusive victory. We can either call people names online or we can call them into our movement. We can either tighten a narrow and hardcore base or open the tent to a new, broad, big-hearted American coalition.

Oh hell.

Oh worse than hell.

An open tent? New, broad, big-hearted coalition? Zero name calling?

Flavors of the VAL apocalypse but worse. The actual word-for-word “about us” link on the world’s second most insidious “surf-based” website.

That’s right.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg is The Inertia.

Oh hell.

Oh worse than hell.

I thought The Inertia and its mountain sport meets ocean splashing meets SUP meets “Would You Care to Have Your Socks Knocked Off by Kanoa Igarashi” was dead.

Apparently it is not and it is now weaponized against us.

More as the story develops.


The shark's manager already angling for rematch.
The shark's manager already angling for rematch.

Sweet Science: New Zealand surfer lands “devastating right hook” on attacking Great White’s nose after heavyweight beast destroys his board!

TKO.

Tonight is a very big night for boxing fans as Deontay Wilder and his “Alabama Slammer” will face off for the second time against Tyson Fury, this time under those bright Las Vegas lights.

The two met last, two years ago, in Los Angeles and created an instant classic where Wilder, a 6’7 Tuscaloosa native who sports the highest knockout percentage in heavyweight boxing history. Only two men have taken him to the distance and Tyson Fury was one of them.

Though he lost by decision in Los Angeles Fury, of Manchester, England is a real threat, elusive, quick but also extra fat, weighing in at over 40 lbs over Wilder.

Who will win? The experts say Wilder by late knockout.

Likely inspired, a New Zealand surfer tested his “Coromandel Cruncher” on an attacking shark’s nose last evening, devastating the beast’s game plan and sending it whimpering to its corner.

Per the local news:

Senior lifeguard at the popular Coromandel beach, Sam Cox told 1 NEWS he and surf lifesaving captain Stuart Upjohn got a call around 10.30am this morning to say someone had been attacked by a shark about 150 metres offshore.

The pair made their way to the carpark where the surfer and his friend had arrived after the harrowing ordeal in the water.

“By the sounds of it, the shark came up and grabbed onto the surfboard and he punched it and then paddled in,” Mr Cox said.

The surfer, who was not known to be a local, emerged unscathed save for a small “paper cut” however the surfboard “had some clear punctures in it,” Mr Cox said.

He said the surfer was shaken up but unharmed, and after a checking over by the surf crew was deemed safe to go home.

“We made sure he was all good and they seemed fine. He was obviously a bit shaken up,” Mr Cox said.

And this New Zealand underdog is our surfing world’s first hero since light middleweight Mick “Eugene” Fanning unveiled his “Jeffreys Jab” five years ago and undid a Buster Douglas-esque challenger.

Very exciting and, clearly, punching sharks in the nose works but I think I’d aim for the gills if ever in the ring. Neck blows, while not as sexy, can have mildly disruptive effects as showcased by super heavyweight Ashton “Bilbo” Goggans in his 2019 Orlando, Florida victory.

Extremely exciting.


Beachfront Shangri-La: Malibu becomes “rent-free, outdoor-living utopia like Tenderloin in San Francisco!”

California, unlike most other American states, gives our brothers and sisters a friendly wave instead of a baton to the face. Ergo, utopia.

Heady days to be a vagrant in California.

From the soiled streets of San Francisco to the friendly parking lots of Encinitas, there’s never been a better time to be living in the great outdoors, whether by choice or circumstance.

California’s Proposition 47 means thefts under $950 and drug use are now treated as misdemeanours.

In Encinitas, the benevolent followers of Yahweh have set up bitumen refuges for the homeless.

California, unlike most other American states, gives our brothers and sisters a friendly wave instead of a baton to the face.

Ergo, it is now a loving utopia.

And, now, Malibu, where fifteen-mill only just gets you onto the beachfront and where Jack Nicholson, Ellen Degeneres, Halle Berry all hold precious real estate jewels, has become a new Shangri-La for vagrants and grifters.

From the LA Times.

“In the 2019 homeless count, 61 vehicles with 93 people living in them, were tallied in the city of Malibu, according to Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority. A year later, during the most recent homeless count last month, Malibu city officials say that 83 vehicles were tallied…But the presence of dozens of vehicles camped out along the coast for indefinite periods raises questions about whether they are unfairly tying up limited and sought-after parking spaces – spaces that are supposed to be available to Californians generally, and shared among them. It also presents environmental problems, as some of the RV’s have been dumping their septic tanks on the road and into storm drains.”

Glory days etc.


One word: Car air fresheners.
One word: Car air fresheners.

Press Release: BeachGrit principals (excluding that “disastrous” Chas Smith) pivot toward robust growth market strategy!

Bring the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home!

Every single time I read an interview with the World Surf League’s CEO and Lord Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise, or give one to him, I become depressed that I don’t use better words.

Words like pivot, robust (in ways unrelated to man-eating Great Whites), business, partnership, leaning heavily, markets, verticals, proliferation, Dirk Ziff, positioning, back half, solidification and synergy.

And did you catch him this morning (here)?

It’s brilliant and no wonder the World Surf League has experienced exponential growth. No wonder they’re “at an all-time high in terms of partners wanting to get involved, and increasingly looking for new ways to get involved.”

Well, while I hang my head and kick at little pebbles, Derek Rielly and our business genius James Prier are keeping their ears to the ground, fingers in air, testing the winds, sniffing and developing products in line to perceive robust expansion into the year 2037.

That’s right.

The Car Air Freshener Market.

And please don’t take my word for it. I admitted just yesterday to being a disaster at predicting anything to do with money or making money. Please. Take Instant Tech Market News‘ word as they declare “Car Air Freshener Market Perceive Robust Expansion by 2019-2037.”

The ‘Car Air Freshener Market’ research report added by Market Study Report, LLC, provides a succinct analysis on the recent market trends. In addition, the report offers a thorough abstract on the statistics, market estimates and revenue forecasts, which further highlights its position in the industry, in tandem with the growth strategies adopted by leading industry players.

The Car Air Freshener market study is a well-researched report encompassing a detailed analysis of this industry with respect to certain parameters such as the product capacity as well as the overall market remuneration. The report enumerates details about production and consumption patterns in the business as well, in addition to the current scenario of the Car Air Freshener market and the trends that will prevail in this industry.

Thems Logan words right there. Very well tuned but would you like to get in on the ground floor of this grow parakeet?

INVEST HERE for the UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE of $6.95!

Guaranteed* to get you to do cocaine with a pro surfer.

*If you bring much cocaine and your Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener* to any professional surf contest and whisper loudly about your much cocaine.

*Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener optional.