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Breaking: “Surf-hating” Mayor Pete Buttigieg goes “full Inertia” after Nevada primary loss, actively calling for “open tent!”

"The definitive voice of surf and outdoors."

This 2020 United States Democratic Primary season is the most vital, most important, most serious moment in surf history. Never before has a major political party in a first world nation made destroying us, our way of life, a main pillar.

We are under attack. Erik Logan to the soft left of us, Democratic establishment politics to the softer left and here we are, stuck in middle with each other.

All of this nasty business got started when one-time Democratic presidential hopeful Hillary Clinton declared her hatred for our kind, employing anger-repressed Mayor Pete Buttigieg in her sinister game in the hopes that surfers would once and for all be wiped from the face of America, first, then the earth.

Scary times.

And much scarier now that Mayor Pete’s candidacy is faltering.

In a just delivered speech following his state of Nevada defeat, Buttigieg declared:

We can prioritize either ideological purity or inclusive victory. We can either call people names online or we can call them into our movement. We can either tighten a narrow and hardcore base or open the tent to a new, broad, big-hearted American coalition.

Oh hell.

Oh worse than hell.

An open tent? New, broad, big-hearted coalition? Zero name calling?

Flavors of the VAL apocalypse but worse. The actual word-for-word “about us” link on the world’s second most insidious “surf-based” website.

That’s right.

Mayor Pete Buttigieg is The Inertia.

Oh hell.

Oh worse than hell.

I thought The Inertia and its mountain sport meets ocean splashing meets SUP meets “Would You Care to Have Your Socks Knocked Off by Kanoa Igarashi” was dead.

Apparently it is not and it is now weaponized against us.

More as the story develops.


The shark's manager already angling for rematch.

Sweet Science: New Zealand surfer lands “devastating right hook” on attacking Great White’s nose after heavyweight beast destroys his board!

TKO.

Tonight is a very big night for boxing fans as Deontay Wilder and his “Alabama Slammer” will face off for the second time against Tyson Fury, this time under those bright Las Vegas lights.

The two met last, two years ago, in Los Angeles and created an instant classic where Wilder, a 6’7 Tuscaloosa native who sports the highest knockout percentage in heavyweight boxing history. Only two men have taken him to the distance and Tyson Fury was one of them.

Though he lost by decision in Los Angeles Fury, of Manchester, England is a real threat, elusive, quick but also extra fat, weighing in at over 40 lbs over Wilder.

Who will win? The experts say Wilder by late knockout.

Likely inspired, a New Zealand surfer tested his “Coromandel Cruncher” on an attacking shark’s nose last evening, devastating the beast’s game plan and sending it whimpering to its corner.

Per the local news:

Senior lifeguard at the popular Coromandel beach, Sam Cox told 1 NEWS he and surf lifesaving captain Stuart Upjohn got a call around 10.30am this morning to say someone had been attacked by a shark about 150 metres offshore.

The pair made their way to the carpark where the surfer and his friend had arrived after the harrowing ordeal in the water.

“By the sounds of it, the shark came up and grabbed onto the surfboard and he punched it and then paddled in,” Mr Cox said.

The surfer, who was not known to be a local, emerged unscathed save for a small “paper cut” however the surfboard “had some clear punctures in it,” Mr Cox said.

He said the surfer was shaken up but unharmed, and after a checking over by the surf crew was deemed safe to go home.

“We made sure he was all good and they seemed fine. He was obviously a bit shaken up,” Mr Cox said.

And this New Zealand underdog is our surfing world’s first hero since light middleweight Mick “Eugene” Fanning unveiled his “Jeffreys Jab” five years ago and undid a Buster Douglas-esque challenger.

Very exciting and, clearly, punching sharks in the nose works but I think I’d aim for the gills if ever in the ring. Neck blows, while not as sexy, can have mildly disruptive effects as showcased by super heavyweight Ashton “Bilbo” Goggans in his 2019 Orlando, Florida victory.

Extremely exciting.


Beachfront Shangri-La: Malibu becomes “rent-free, outdoor-living utopia like Tenderloin in San Francisco!”

California, unlike most other American states, gives our brothers and sisters a friendly wave instead of a baton to the face. Ergo, utopia.

Heady days to be a vagrant in California.

From the soiled streets of San Francisco to the friendly parking lots of Encinitas, there’s never been a better time to be living in the great outdoors, whether by choice or circumstance.

California’s Proposition 47 means thefts under $950 and drug use are now treated as misdemeanours.

In Encinitas, the benevolent followers of Yahweh have set up bitumen refuges for the homeless.

California, unlike most other American states, gives our brothers and sisters a friendly wave instead of a baton to the face.

Ergo, it is now a loving utopia.

And, now, Malibu, where fifteen-mill only just gets you onto the beachfront and where Jack Nicholson, Ellen Degeneres, Halle Berry all hold precious real estate jewels, has become a new Shangri-La for vagrants and grifters.

From the LA Times.

“In the 2019 homeless count, 61 vehicles with 93 people living in them, were tallied in the city of Malibu, according to Los Angeles Homeless Services Authority. A year later, during the most recent homeless count last month, Malibu city officials say that 83 vehicles were tallied…But the presence of dozens of vehicles camped out along the coast for indefinite periods raises questions about whether they are unfairly tying up limited and sought-after parking spaces – spaces that are supposed to be available to Californians generally, and shared among them. It also presents environmental problems, as some of the RV’s have been dumping their septic tanks on the road and into storm drains.”

Glory days etc.


One word: Car air fresheners.

Press Release: BeachGrit principals (excluding that “disastrous” Chas Smith) pivot toward robust growth market strategy!

Bring the anti-depressive smell of BeachGrit into your car, office or home!

Every single time I read an interview with the World Surf League’s CEO and Lord Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise, or give one to him, I become depressed that I don’t use better words.

Words like pivot, robust (in ways unrelated to man-eating Great Whites), business, partnership, leaning heavily, markets, verticals, proliferation, Dirk Ziff, positioning, back half, solidification and synergy.

And did you catch him this morning (here)?

It’s brilliant and no wonder the World Surf League has experienced exponential growth. No wonder they’re “at an all-time high in terms of partners wanting to get involved, and increasingly looking for new ways to get involved.”

Well, while I hang my head and kick at little pebbles, Derek Rielly and our business genius James Prier are keeping their ears to the ground, fingers in air, testing the winds, sniffing and developing products in line to perceive robust expansion into the year 2037.

That’s right.

The Car Air Freshener Market.

And please don’t take my word for it. I admitted just yesterday to being a disaster at predicting anything to do with money or making money. Please. Take Instant Tech Market News‘ word as they declare “Car Air Freshener Market Perceive Robust Expansion by 2019-2037.”

The ‘Car Air Freshener Market’ research report added by Market Study Report, LLC, provides a succinct analysis on the recent market trends. In addition, the report offers a thorough abstract on the statistics, market estimates and revenue forecasts, which further highlights its position in the industry, in tandem with the growth strategies adopted by leading industry players.

The Car Air Freshener market study is a well-researched report encompassing a detailed analysis of this industry with respect to certain parameters such as the product capacity as well as the overall market remuneration. The report enumerates details about production and consumption patterns in the business as well, in addition to the current scenario of the Car Air Freshener market and the trends that will prevail in this industry.

Thems Logan words right there. Very well tuned but would you like to get in on the ground floor of this grow parakeet?

INVEST HERE for the UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE of $6.95!

Guaranteed* to get you to do cocaine with a pro surfer.

*If you bring much cocaine and your Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener* to any professional surf contest and whisper loudly about your much cocaine.

*Cryin’ Jordy car air freshener optional.


"OMG, Karen, you've…never…done cocaine with a pro surfer? But you're such a slut……" | Photo: Mean Girls

The Surfing Purity Test: “Have you ever done cocaine with a pro surfer? Watched yourself surfing on video and liked it?”

Twenty-five questions. The lower the number, the bigger the animal you are!

It’s been a minute. I hope I remember how to do this job.

How are you all, anyway?

I went to Seattle and saw Matt Warshaw. I also went to a bike race that involved riders carrying their bikes as much as riding them. Strange doings.

I wrote some stories. Also, I went surfing once in a while. Sadly, no red bikini. But soon!

Maybe the red bikini can come out to play soon.

Did you ever take a purity tests?

Perhaps this was a girl thing. In high school and at summer camp, in bedrooms and in whispers, we’d gather around and answer a list of questions. We received a point for every time we answered no. The more points, a girl had, the more pure as driven snow she was.

Some of versions of the test emphasized petty crime. Have you ever shoplifted?

Others, and these were by far the more common, focused on sex. How many boys and girls we had kissed. How many bases we had rounded, how many times and with how many different partners. How often fingers and tongues had strayed and to which destinations.

Along came Twitter recently with a tame, even boring version of this hallowed teen tradition. Been on a cruise? Meh. Done drugs? Oh Twitter, you so innocent.

Skinny dipped? If you haven’t gone skinny dipping once in your life, have you even lived? I’d say not. What you did while you were skinny dipping — and with whom or how many — is a far more interesting question, in my opinion.

Twitter purity test.

And I am never wrong. Again Twitter, you so innocent.

What about your surfing purity? As a surfer, have you been naughty or nice?

Let’s huddle together in our virtual bedroom with its posters of Kelly on the wall and find out just how pure we all are.

It’s so simple, really.

Give yourself one point for every “no” answer. If you get a high score, you are such an angel! But really, you really should go out and cause some trouble. Life is too fucking short to be good all the time.

If you get a low score, you’ve been so very naughty.

We shall have to come up with a suitable punishment for all your nefarious doings.

Have you ever —

— Dodged a barrel
— Burned someone in the lineup
— Burned a girl in a the lineup
— Yelled at a grom
— Surfed naked
— Surfed by moonlight
— Backpaddled a stranger
— Backpaddled your best friend
— Surfed with your fins in backwards
— Gotten a surf-related tattoo
— Done cocaine in the parking lot
— Used a surf leash as a sex toy
— Skipped work for more than one consecutive day to surf
— Surfed during a blackball or in a no-surfing zone
— Ridden a midlength
— Bought surf brand clothing from a department store
— Punched someone in the lineup
— Had sex with a surfer
— Had sex while in the ocean
— Met a pro surfer
— Had sex with a pro surfer
— Done cocaine with a pro surfer
— Watched yourself surf on video and liked it
— Pulled back when you should have gone
— Written for a surf magazine