Apocalypse Now: Horrifyingly massive
32-foot shark menaces boat near New Zealand’s coast, “emotionally
overwhelming” passengers!
By Chas Smith
The end is nigh-ish.
A 10-foot shark is one thing, a 17-foot shark
quite another but a 32-foot shark? 32-feet of menace
and fear? 32-feet of terror and hell? Well, it’s enough to stop
even the stoutest of hearts and so it is no surprise that
passengers aboard a boat named Bay Explorer were left “emotionally
overwhelmed” by their encounter with one of the terrifying giants
of the deep.
Emotionally overwhelmed and likely forever scarred (or is it
scared?) and we must turn to their quivering voices, their
fear-tightened larynxes for the absolute climate change inducing
latest.
Climate change because, obviously, how does an apex predator
grow to more than 17-feet? How does it basically double in
size?
An encounter with one of the giants of the deep left
passengers and crew of the Bay Explorer “emotionally
overwhelmed”.
That’s according to Bay Explorer owner Brandon Stone, who
spoke to Stuff about meeting a whale shark, the largest fish in the
world.
Stone’s boat captained by Nik Weyel was out between Tauranga
Harbour and Tūhua Island when one of the crew spotted a fin in the
water, prompting them to stop the boat.
Stone said the whale shark, which he said was around 10
metres long, then spent the next half-an-hour circling the
boat.
Terrifying.
“People were crying, emotionally overwhelmed,” he
said.
“Even one of my crew was in tears.”
The crew? In tears? I know boat crew and this is extra
serious.
Oh, the horror, the horror and being on a boat is one thing but
can you imagine being in the lineup straddling a shortboard?
What would you do?
Grab a friend for company in the belly of a beast?
To be very honest, I would grab the one, the only, Derek Rielly
and even though it would end BeachGrit’s sheer
domination we would have many laughs down there before
being undone by stomach acid.
But who would you choose?
Negatron?
Other?
More as the story develops.
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From yurt to ocean, minus leash.
Killers: Leashless VALS overrun Gold Coast;
calls for compulsory leashes and ban on kooks!
By surf ads
Dramatic measures considered in wake of vulnerable
adult learner onslaught.
Panic is sweeping across Australia’s Gold Coast
like a well-aimed tropical depression.
But it’s not COVID19 or the oncoming thrust of libidinous pro
surfers and their entourages that has the locals shaking in their
Crocs.
Instead, surfers on leashless ‘logs’ – many of whom could be
correctly identified as VALs – are losing control of their craft
and causing collisions along the already crowded golden strip.
That distinct thwack of fibreglass on flesh on bone,
simultaneously dull yet sharp, rings out from Burleigh to
D-Bah.
Fingers are poked into holes where cheeks should have been.
Exposed pink flesh grades white, then grey, then crimson
red.
Victims shrieks as the horror of the injury sets in, while
dreadlocked interlopers retrieve their bloodied craft and can only
off a “Sorry bro, I totally didn’t see you there” in return.
It’s the soundtrack to the VAL-pocalypse.
And it’s reaching pandemic proportions there in south-east
Queensland.
One lil girl has already ended up in hospital
Many more near misses that haven’t required pro medical
care.
A lack of respect and a flagrant disregard of surfing
etiquette is causing havoc at popular Gold Coast surfing breaks –
with a mother smashed by a rogue longboard at Snapper Rocks over
the weekend. Later that day, a young girl hit in the
face by a longboarder was rushed to hospital with stitches to her
face, a broken nose and possible bruising on the
brain. According to Terranora local Leesa Laug,
surfing accidents involving “inexperienced” people on longboards,
VAL, are becoming commonplace and she fears for the safety of her
children in the ocean.
Another local, also quoted, calls for a ski-style ranking for
surf access. Lesser talented surfers denied admission to the
premier breaks, forced instead to ply their trade on the green
trail peaks of a yet-to-be built local wavepool.
There needs to be respect for the unspoken rules of surfing, the
article continues.
Basic safety measures. Legropes made mandatory. Crowd control
etc etc.
Cute stuff.
I’ve spoken before about the death of the Pass as a surf
spot.
Are Snapper and its nearby points that far behind?
Would you surf it on a four-foot south-east swell with light
offshores puffing the endless caverns open for just you and your
closest 3000 pals to enjoy?
Maybe, if you could get The One.
Right?
More questions:
Could a caste system for surfing, like the one being proposed at
the Bristol wave pool, work for the Gold Coast? How would it
operate? Would it even make a dint in the crowd at the Superbank,
anyway?
And more fundamentally, do we need this Draconian level of state
control?
Is the surfing world crying out for the firm hand of a
benevolent dictator to bring order to its chaotic lineups?
As climate change-fuelled cyclone swells continue to unfurl down
the east coast honey pot of points, and state and federal tourism
boards in concert with the WSL do their best to send more
surf-tourists there during peak competition times, things will only
get worse.
The question will not go away.
Is there a vaccine out there to keep the VAL-pocalypse on a
leash?
Does anybody have the cure?
I’ll leave the last words to mumma Laug:
“Back in the day if you were a learner you’d never go to a
popular break until you were at a certain level, now everyone wants
to be seen there and to project that cool image. Everyone
needs to wait their turn in line and if you muck it up well back to
the end of the line for you, these days there’s no such thing as
getting in line. There’s no respect, it’s gone out of the
window.”
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The old wooden beach shack is gonna get belted
and replaced with six of these villas. @hga.architects
Surfing heartthrob turned real estate
developer Owen Wright reveals plans for $5 million hunk of land in
Byron Bay!
By Derek Rielly
"Inspired, he wanted to provide holidayers in Byron
Bay with his own luxury, architecturally designed
accomodation."
Seven month ago, world number nine Owen Wright paid $5.1
million for an unremarkable beach shack a few hundred metres
fromThe Pass
in Australia’s Byron Bay.
Owen, of course, saw more than an idyllic little timber house
surrounded by almost half-an-acre of grass and trees.
The just-turned thirty year old saw potential.
And, so, Owen is going to build six pretty villas on the land,
either sell ’em for a few mill apiece or rent ’em out
via his new luxury accommodation
biz Paradiso Property, which already rents out two
joints in Byron Bay, a small studio and a swinging house for
ten.
Owen is a professional surfer who has been competing on the
WSL world tour for 10 years. Travelling the world he has stayed in
many beautiful holiday homes. Inspired, he wanted to provide
holidayers in Byron Bay with his own luxury, architecturally
designed accomodation.
Aging core surfers demand: “Give us Laird
Hamilton, Bruce Irons, James Duncan O’Brien for Paris 2024 Summer
Olympics!”
By Chas Smith
OMG.
But now that the Aquatic Guillotine has officially been
declared the site of the surfing discipline for the Paris
2024 Summer Olympic
Games the fun can really begin. As you well know,
surfing is making its grand Olympic debut this year in Tokyo though
it is very difficult to care because Japan has small waves in the
summer and whether Filipe Toledo is dancing down waist high lines
or the other short Japanese surfer who won Huntington Beach’s U.S.
Open of Surfing not named Kanoa Igarashi it will feel stale and/or
lightly funny.
But Teahupoo. The Place of Severed Necks. Much fun and many
opportunities to dust off some of our favorite surfers.
The Olympic surfing qualifying process is straight-ish forward.
Each nation gets two male, two female slots which shall be earned
via World Surf League standings and participation in the ISA World
Surfing Games and the Pan American Games. Now, normal surfing
nations like Australia, France, These United States, South Africa
will fill their slots via the WSL ranks but there are hundreds of
other normal-adjacent non-surfing countries like Bulgaria, Qatar,
Bolivia, Iceland with not one professional behind that Wall of
Positive Noise.
Again, who cares about Japan.
But Teahupoo.
And how much fun would it be for Laird Hamilton to strapped in
one more time and Oh My God the world for proud little Latvia
(citizenship sold for 60k Euro)?
How wonderful would it be for the great Bruce Irons to take one
more swing for mighty Grenada (150k U.S.)?
Can’t you see Jamie O’Brien burning the Olympic rule book then
the competition all while draped in Cambodia’s red, white and blue
($245k U.S.)?
Who else would you like to see?
Worth a crowd fun, no?
More as the story develops.
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Official: French Olympic Committee declares
“The Aquatic Guillotine” to be employed for 2024 Paris Games
ushering in modern “Rain of Terror!”
By Chas Smith
Off with his head!
One does not have to stretch the faculties too far in
declaring France the greatest country on earth. Wines from
Sancerre, cheeses from Normandy, clothing from Rue Cambon in Paris.
Art, music, mimes, romance, flowers, songbirds and the most
picturesque uprising in modern human history.
What is not to love about the French Revolution with its
Bastille, Egalite and Guillotine, that proud symbol combining
justice and public entertainment?
From 1793 through 1794 2600 people made that regretful climb to
the thrill of a passionate audience.
The “National Razor” was officially mothballed in 1977 but is
being gorgeously re-imagined for the upcoming 2024 Paris Olympic
Games and let us turn to Australia’s
favorite news source for the very latest.
The International Olympic Committee has approved the
Teahupo’o surf break on the island of Tahiti as the site of the
2024 Paris Olympics surfing competition.
Located 15,000km away from the French capital in the South
Pacific, the French Polynesian island is home to one of the
heaviest waves in the world.
The World Surf League holds an annual event at the wave for
its men’s competition but it is one of two heavy barrelling
locations — along with Pipeline in Hawaii — where women do not
compete.
Olympic organisers will likely attempt to hold women’s heats
on days when the waves are smaller but if a big swell rolls through
there could be carnage.
A modern Rain of Terror.
Justice and public entertainment on display once more.
Very exciting and we should all prepare our favorite
decapitation outfits.
