Breaking: World Surf League announces sweeping changes to 2021 professional surf tours, further postponements for 2020!


And what a day. What a red letter, earth-shattering, monumental day that will be marked, forevermore, on the hearts of those who cherish professional surfing. For it is on this day, April 28, 2020, that major shifts, changes, alterations happened to all professional surfing tours but let’s not waste anymore time reading run-on sentences with incorrect punctuation and/or prepositional usage. Let’s individually, in our own safe, Coronavirus-free homes, watch World Surf League CEO Erik Logan deliver the news himself in his now iconic Manhattan Beach brogue.


What does it mean?

Oh, I have no idea as my expertise falls mostly in the field of sharks and what Kelly Slater wrote on Instagram, but, please, discuss, safely, amongst yourself.

Longtom has already been called for proper analysis later.

More, certainly, as the story develops.

Rumor: World Surf League CEO Erik Logan to unfurl big announcement tomorrow morning!


Oh this rumor is just too hot, just too spicy, and also too static-ridden to make out completely but rumors are swirling, whispers that the World Surf League, our World Surf League is set to unveil changes, re-sortings, post-Coronavirus Apocalypse re-reckonings likely long overdo tomorrow.


But what?

But when?

But how?

But really?

Oh that static.

That damned relentless static.

I mostly blame AT&T U-Verse who provides me a level of service so subpar as to be of absolutely no use to you, or anyone, but the rumors sizzle.



What could they be?

What might the changes bring?

More as the story develops.

Sal, tell me it wasn't you who went to the cops?

Number one: Surfing only sport “publicly shaming and humiliating” itself!

Am I right? Are surfers the greatest snitches on earth?

Did it ever occur to you, when you started surfing as a little boy or girl, head filled with dreams of fibreglass making a fizzing sound as you cut through the green walls, older surfers with broad brown backs and terrifying scowls getting any wave they wanted, society broadly…worried…about your obsession, that it would one day turn into a gulag of self-imprisoned snitches, crybabies and worryworts, reduced to cowering in their rooms in fear of a virus that only kills the old, the fat, the gonna-die-soon anyway?

(Editor’s note: Dear writer, learn to condense your lede. Perhaps think about using three or even four sentences to get your point across.)

You know where I’m at.

While bikers ride, runners run, surfers, with only a few exceptions, have taken to the various quarantine laws like French collaborators took to their German invaders, heads placed, joyfully, under the occupying jackboot, begging their masters for the opportunity to send their own people to the firing squad.

Public exceptions, of course, are Joel Tudor, and Derek Dunfee, the big-waver and photographer who, according to Coronado mayor Richard Bailey, “singlehandedly” brought together all the mayors in San Diego to talk about and eventually overturn the no-surf ban.

(Listen here.)

And, the Dana Point shredder who lost his twenty-two thousand dollar boat when he surfed, or tried to surf, Lowers during lockdown only to be undone by prying eyes.

The brave lockdown runners in France’s south-west, too, hiding surfboards in pine forests and using drones to search for cops.

Rare exceptions.

In Portugal, Kanoa Igarashi, once a national hero there, has his tyres slashed for surfing outside his Ericeira postcode.

In New Zealand, “We have people here with pitchforks and torches… everyone’s turned against each other,” says the comedian, pro-ish surfer Luke Cederman. 

A surfer, there, “terrified to leave house” and threatened with being “shot, tasered, hung” for surfing during lockdown. 

On Reunion Island, a police helicopter pounces on surfers at empty reef. 

Here, “the high water mark of obscene tattle-taling in our time.”

Meanwhile, the WSL, a company owned by a non-surfing billionaire who bought the old ASP for a handful of shekels in 2012, and currently with “avid waterman” Erik Logan holding the CEO’s paddle, shrieks triumphant with its endless calls to stay indoors, offering up to $2500 for “real surfers” to post videos of ’emselves replicating surfing at home.

(Read here.)

Apart from surf, I got nothing else.

And so I wonder, am I right?

Is surfing number one in the sport of snitching?

Do any other sports publicly name and shame?

Chas Smith (left) and Erik Logan in happier times when touching was allowed. Very annoying.
Chas Smith (left) and Erik Logan in happier times when touching was allowed. Very annoying.

Leadership: World Surf League CEO Erik Logan bravely LOLs at the “trauma” and “disaster” of “Worst Year Ever” 2020!

"Okay what needs to be added?"

Covid-19 has been defeated thanks to the bold leadership coming out of New Zealand and, for certain, you have read that by now. For sure you know the “Great Chinese Cold” has been stuffed, that the global shutdown was a paranoid, misguided overreach only framing the coming worldwide police state, that we “won.”

And everything is funny in hindsight, no?

Or, not everything, but we can totally laugh at Black Plaguers cutting up pigeons and rubbing the pigeon corpses all over their pustule-riddled bodies in order to try to beat a disease, no?

They were so dumb.

We are extremely smart, wore masks, laid tape down on the floors of our grocery stores forcing people to stand exactly six feet apart, outlawed surfing, eating Asian fusion outside, etc.

And now, a few short months after the “Grand Chinese Flu” appeared it has been defeated by Jacinda Ardern.

Killed dead.

But 2020, amiright?

Erik Logan, World Surf League CEO and current Commander over the Wall of Positive Noise, broke with the over-wrought mainstream media to mock the whole thing today and shall we look?

So much needing to be added including a possible Saudi Arabia purchase of that very same World Surf League.

Adding a little smoke to the fire, if you Instagram search “Elo_” a Kuwaiti comes up.


But more importantly, what are the other most ridiculously LOL moments of 2020 so far?

More as the story develops.

"Sharks! And expensive toilet paper!"
"Sharks! And expensive toilet paper!"

Watch: Eight “hideously opportunistic” Great White Sharks descend on recently opened California beach, terrifying already “insanely fearful” public!

"Visitors flee..."

How are you celebrating the novel Coronavirus’s demise? Hugging your elderly neighbors? Burning your mask in the street? Spitting on the ashes? Invoicing China?

Well, Santa Barbara residents celebrated over the hot Southern California weekend by flocking to the beach en masse.

It’s hardly surprising that eight hideously opportunistic Great White sharks were there waiting, smacking lips, acting like very rude small shop owners that look very much forward to human catastrophes so they can price gouge and make kingly sums off toilet paper and hand sanitizer.


But let us turn to Santa Barbara’s local NBC affiliate for the morally vacant latest.

A heatwave caused people across Southern California to flee to local beaches Saturday, but a shark sighting caused some visitors to flee.

No one was injured, though members of the United States Coast Guard spotted eight sharks from a helicopter at about 3:15 p.m., according to the Santa Barbara County Sheriff’s Office.

After being notified by the Coast Guard, county law enforcement notified all of their parks and beaches about the spotting. However, the Carpinteria Beach was not closed.

Sharks and small shop profiteer/owners.


Bastards the lot of ’em.