"The surfers are coming, the surfers are coming!" (The Dead Don't Die)
"The surfers are coming, the surfers are coming!" (The Dead Don't Die)

Quaint Bay Area town turned into Coronavirus Hellhole as countless “toxic, disgusting, likely-infected surfers” descend en masse!

"Unnecessary risk!"

But, no, you cannot tell me that you have forgotten about Bolinas, California, a stone’s throw from San Francisco, already. You cannot say that an ode to the cathartic benefits of surfing and its natural social distancing, penned by the great Transhumanist Zoltan Istva, who traveled there to glide free, has disappeared from your memory.

Of course it hasn’t.

The sensible surf media, filled to the very brim with Modern Surfers, pounced on the recklessness, the wanton recklessness of leaving home for any reason whatsoever, much less to participate in something as egregiously criminal as surfing but it appears that its judicious advice has gone unheeded for now, thanks to Zoltan, Bolinas has been completely overrun with toxic, disgusting, likely-infected surfers.

A true Coronavirus Hellhole.

But let’s turn to a local on the ground and writing letters to The New York Times‘ editor for more.

Bolinas, a tiny, once isolated California town, has become a surfers’ mecca. The community is now completely overrun on a daily basis with countless out-of-town surfers.

During the coronavirus pandemic lockdown, local authorities have finally seen fit to make the effort to control the chaos brought on by the surfing masses. Mr. Istvan advocates an exception to lockdown regulations and using Bolinas as a surfing zone for all. He places his surfing wishes above the health of the people of Bolinas, who are obliged to shelter in.

Bolinas has just been shown to be disease-free by a unique townwide test organized for scientific purposes. Crowds of out-of-town surfers and their families streaming into Bolinas in violation of shelter in place would put the people of Bolinas at unnecessary risk.

Jeffrey Labovitz
Bolinas, Calif.

Stab? Is there not anything you can do to stem the tide?

World Surf League? Maybe a second, delightfully whimsical, round of #HomeBreakChallenge?

Help!


Irony: Cape Town police station where surfers taken and charged after being arrested on beach for “standing still” closed after cop tests positive for COVID-19!

The cops may not have used "logic or common sense," says police commissioner after notorious "standing still" arrests.

No shortage of absurdities in the pursuit of evildoer beachgoers during these past few weeks of closed beaches.

A real quick recap:

The season opened on April 3 in the US with a high-stakes game of cat and mouse at Malibu when a SUP pilot took on the amphibious division of the local sheriffs. The springsuit-clad man was led, in chains, up the famous beach, now home to television actress Meghan Markle and her former royal husband, the now neutered and gunless, Haz.

https://www.instagram.com/p/B-f1QS1nBm5/

It snowballed, real quick.

Arrests, fines, helicopters with armed cops inside monstering surfers from the Atlantic to the Indian Ocean.

A few days ago in South Africa, in pretty little Muizenberg in Cape Town, surfers were arrested during a #backinthewater protest, although one shredder did humiliate the local cops by escaping on a pushbike.

Two parents, Liam Bulgen and his fiancé Tereza Cervinkova, chased their kid after she’d run onto the beach. The family was arrested, thrown into a police van and taken to Muizenberg police station and charged with, shee-it, what’s the crime again?

Standing still? 

Bulgen wasn’t real thrilled about the arrest, especially since the the arresting officers and the staff who charged him and his woman for being lockdown runners hadn’t worn masks and gloves etc.

Now, it can be revealed, that the police station they’d been charged at has been closed after a staff member tested positive for COVID-19.

The joint is being decontaminated right now and Provincial police commissioner Lieutenant General Yolisa Matakata said his cops may not have used “logic or common sense” when they made the arrest.

A common thread, yes?


Listen: “The World Surf League can only earn legitimacy when CEO Erik Logan gets arrested for illegally surfing under quarantine!”

#waiting

As you have certainly heard, by now, Kelly Slater has blocked BeachGrit on Instagram and Facebook. He has also blocked me, personally, and I love him no less. Greatest surfer in the world, handsome, one-time boyfriend of Cam Diaz, Pam Anderson, Gissy Bündchen, unafraid to think broadly, etc. but alas I can no longer gaze upon his stray thoughts.

His visage looking more and more like Joe Rogan every day.

Oops.

I wasn’t supposed to see that.

In any case, and thankfully, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan hasn’t blocked me yet.

Three days ago, he posted a picture of him sitting in a sunset dappled Manhattan Beach lineup with the caption “Soon #waiting.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/B_zw_rMFPhz/

I assume he meant waiting to surf again which brings us around to a profound statement made by David Lee Scales today as we sat in Album Surfboard’s upper room and chatted.

“Waiting? Why doesn’t he just go surf? How boss would it be if he got arrested for surfing, his personal photographer hiding in the bushes capturing every moment then selling it to TMZ and using Oprah connections to push the story wide? World Surf League CEO Erik Logan arrested for surfing. Now that’s a story that would draw eyeballs.”

I completely agree and, again, the World Surf League continues to blow it worse than any other organization, save Souplantation, in the Covid Era.

With the absolute dearth of sporting news, it would headline ESPN’s Sportscenter and be New York Times front page.

The Modern Surfer may even skim the story.

You’d think a one-time President of Content and Media would be more on top of it, no?

We also discuss the joys of protesting nude, getting paid to finance a new car and teaching parrots to curse police horses.

Fine enough for your commute not to work?

I’ll let you be the judge of that.

Listen here!


Revealed: Sensible surf website Stab magazine’s readership an extremely angry, racially and sexually diverse mob!

Woke.

Last night, after a full day of homeschooling, light yard work and a slimy red tide surf, I rolled into bed and began scrolling Instagram. A vague sadness permeated, as it was my first night blocked by Kelly Slater, but the ionized glow from a salt lamp soothed my nerves.

Instagram held no surprises, posts of “wacky animals in quarantine” and “ain’t my hair funny in quarantine” followed one after the other until I stumbled upon a particularly odd offering from Stab magazine.

I thought the post had been deleted, per Stab tradition, but just found it. The content praises the World Surf League’s bold recent moves while mocking the Stab commenter as an extremely angry, racially and sexually diverse mob.

The caption read:

“Those who said the @wsl is foolish for proposing a World Title surf-off: do you feel differently after learning that a majority of recent World Champs love the idea?”

But back to the mob.

Have you ever seen one that looks like this?

Is this the group that forced mayors and governors to criminalize surfing around the world?

The group that calls the police when they see a neighbor BBQing with non-relatives?

How many people have they blocked, collectively, on social media?

Is there a manager on stand-by to harangue?

Does Stab make more sense knowing this is the readership?

Many questions.


Bullish: Surf Lakes’ dystopian plunger being tooled to produce “hundreds of millions of waves every year for decades!”

Many, many waves.

This Coronavirus Apocalypse will end soon, I feel, or at least when those cowering indoors, reading scientific journals etc. find their passports and remember they aren’t 80-years-old. A misplaced passport is certainly a troubling thing. Haunting even if no imminent trip is planned.

It will end soon and the under-80s will get back to livin’. Back to dreamin’. Back to surfin’.

Of course, it may be difficult to travel for surf in the near future. Airline bankruptcies, social distancing rules, worldwide economic collapse will likely put a damper on the whole shootin’ match but thankfully the world’s greatest surfer, Kelly Slater, has gifted humanity artificial wave technology and we will all soon be surf tripping to near-ish by industrial parks to play the Pastime of Kings.

Kelly’s team is busy now in Australia, bulldozing koalas in the most environmentally friendly way, but what about Surf Lakes there in Yeppoon. Do you recall?

It was my favorite of all the Surf Ranches due its dystopian design and how much better will that rusty plunger look now that our world actually is a dystopia?

Phenomenal.

It is still my favorite because, as revealed today, the Mad Max-esque machine is being tooled to “hundreds of millions of waves a year for decades.”

Shall we read?

Development of the system was commissioned by Surf Lakes, an Australian company that now has a full-scale functioning prototype operating in the town of Yeppoon, Queensland. A number of groups are reportedly interested in licensing the technology, which should happen once its creators have ensured that it’s ready for commercialization.

“We need to ensure the wave machine can deliver hundreds of millions of waves every year for decades for people to enjoy, and for surf park owners to confidently build businesses and developments around,” says Dr. Chris Hawley, managing director of Engenuity Solutions. “The data from the prototype testing is also being used to optimize the performance of the machine further, ensure ease of construction, improve power efficiencies and bring the highest standard of safety in design to every element.”

Amazing.

But how many waves a day?

I have been helping my young daughter with her first grade math in quarantine so let me run the numbers.

Let’s go on the low side of “hundreds of millions” and say 300,000,000.

That would be:

25,000,000 waves a month.

833,333 waves a day.

34,7222 waves an hour.

578 waves a minute.

9 waves a second.

I don’t even know if a jackhammer can run that hot.

Brilliant.