Blood-ish Feud: Stab magazine conflicts commenters by describing world’s greatest surfer Stephanie Gilmore as a “coke-head with OCD!”

Is a once proud surf title officially cancelled?

The wokest of all surf media, we know, is The Inertia. Venice Beach’s other adjacent officially woke surf media so woke that it had an awkward time poking fun of modern satan Mark Zuckerberg culturally appropriating white culture by hideously mocking whilst on an electric foil surfboard.

Second place, of course, belongs to Venice Beach’s other adjacent officially woke surf media Stab magazine swinging between “edgy” and “aggrieved at inequity” etc. per our time and per the wonderful winds of thoughtless hypocrisy.

How wacky is our time?

Protesters rounded up in Portland, Oregon. Stephanie Gilmore, greatest surfer in the world, described by Stab as a “coke-head with OCD.”

https://www.instagram.com/p/CC36PUYlR21/

Oh.

I’m sure there were many chubby salchicha high-fives over the “progressive” caption (socially distanced via Zoom of course) in Stab magazine’s now metaphorically Venice Beach Adjacent’s office but ooooooeee!

Does Steph Gilmore cocaine?

Does she obsessively-compulse?

Commenters were mixed.

Many pointed out the hilarity of the caption.

Many more pointed out the inappropriateness. The making light of both drug abuse and mental illness.

A war being won, in terms of “likes” by the later.

Will Stab survive?

Due quarantine, I don’t have eyes on its Editor-in-Chief Ashton Goggans who may either be 450 lbs due a lockdown addiction to gluten-free nacho cheese chips or 359 lbs due genetics but what do you think?

Is this the end of a once proud title?

More as the story develops.


In extremely controversial move, Facebook founder and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg emerges from quarantine donning “white-face” on an electric foil!

"It sends the wrong message."

Fraught times. Scary times. The end of times? I don’t want to sound any unnecessary alarm bells here but two signs of the apocalypse manifested themselves over the weekend. The first, masked, badge-less federal agents throwing people into unmarked mini-vans in Portland, Oregon and disappearing them.

Disappearing them to where?

Unclear but possibly to strip clubs or donut shops where donuts are served with pieces of bacon on top for “re-education” on how to “Keep Portland Weird.”

The second, Facebook founder and billionaire Mark Zuckerberg emerging from quarantine donning white-face and riding and electric foil.

While white-face has yet to be socially criminalized, there is a growing number who believes it “sends the wrong message” and “should be avoided.”

Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment.

He appears to have learned the foil on the island of Kauai from his friend and super cross-over water person Kai Lenny.

Disturbing but the most intriguing detail is neither the white-face nor the electric foil but rather the size and shape of Zuckerberg’s bottom.

Whoa.

Baby certainly appears to “got back.” Is it a natural side effect of electric foiling? Of destroying the bonds between human beings around the world? Of being friends with Kai Lenny?

Much to ponder.


White devils!

Problematic: Big-wave surfer Shane Dorian slammed by woke fan for ‘racist’ post, “You are a truth speaker and I can’t be silent.”

Precious.

Y’heard of a book called White Fragility.

It’s number one on The New York Times bestseller list, ahead of So You Want To Talk About Race and The Color of Law.

Real important book ever since George Floyd got choked.

Talk-show hosts swoon over it.

White liberals clutch it in their tremulous hands as they take to knee and beg, “How can I do better?”

It’s racist as fuck, of course.

Superhuman whites keeping the weak black man under his jackboot and so on.

“Few books about race have more openly infantilized Black people,” writes John McWhorter (and he ain’t white) in The Atlantic. “DiAngelo’s outlook rests upon a depiction of Black people as endlessly delicate poster children within this self-gratifying fantasy about how white America needs to think—or, better, stop thinking. Her answer to white fragility, in other words, entails an elaborate and pitilessly dehumanizing condescension toward Black people.”

Anyway, hold onto that thought.

Last month, Shane Dorian, a deer and big-wave hunter from Hawaii, posted a photo of him and Kelly Slater, plus son Jackie and pals, on their bicycles with the caption,

“Non-threatening biker gang.”

Can you see the racism?

Try again.

Give up?

It took a Dorian fan to reveal the devil in the detail, so to speak.

 

Non-threatening because there ain’t no blacks. Of course!

What’s better, y’think?

The lunge for racism at every turn or Dorian’s couldn’t-give-a-fuck comeback?

I’m for the latter, if that isn’t obvious.


Heartless scientist declares, “That’s what they’re there for, to clean the ocean…” after sharks devour dolphin in front of stunned beachgoers!

Goodbye, flipper.

The water turned a frothy red off a Jersey Shore beach teeming with innocent children and less innocent elderly people as a mob of vicious sharks tracked an adorable dolphin before feasting on its nubile flesh.

Many children complained it was the absolutely worst thing they had ever witnessed. The elderly still had fading memories of the television show Jersey Shore and disagreed.

A local scientist did not provide any comfort, declaring, “That’s what sharks are out there for, to clean the ocean. It’s not the first time an injured, bleeding animal has drawn sharks to it. If you’re standing next to a dolphin while this is going on, you’re going to be in danger. It’s just food to a shark. The sharks are not going to know the difference (between a dolphin and human), especially when there’s that much blood.”

Heartless.

Keep the dolphin in your thoughts.

And also that one guy from Jersey Shore who became a DJ.


Taking Pipe as the start, and assuming a Fiji finish, with the Tub and the G-land/J-Bay/Teahupoo Grand Slam as the “home straight” of the Tour. Does that, or does that not-especially with Slater's Kryponite, the closeout beachbreaks of the European leg gone, seem tailor-made to keep Slater on Tour ad infinitum? | Photo: @sensitiveseashellcollector

Longtom: “New tour changes tailor-made to keep Kelly Slater on Tour ad infinitum. Even deliver World Title #12!”

"It has his fingerprints all over it, no?"

Wow, what a difference a month or two makes.

Elo looks fabulous again, tanned and terrific, million watt smile back on full beam. and has dropped an epic roadmap to get pro surfing back on track.

Of course, it’s one thing to say you are going to do something and quite another to actually do it but if ELO can even get close to the implementation of the New Era roadmap then he may well go down in history as the sports saviour, not the chump holding the baby when it sighed it’s last breath.

BG rumours as reported by Chas Smith were right on the money, so much of what was dropped yesterday was already known.

A quick analysis is in order.

2020 CT and Q’ey are consigned to the dustbin of history but pro surfing will still take place this year. A novelty series called WSL Countdown is scheduled for August through November with events in the Lemoore Tub and Australia on the books.

Who will actually be able to compete in those events given travel restrictions is an unknown, but a moot point as the events seemed designed to both get the machine running again and generate some eyeballs back to live WSL surfing.

2021 CT officially starts with the Pipe Masters in its normal pre-Christmas time-slot.

That will be the weirdest part of the New Era. Starting with Pipe, instead of ending, then breaking for the new year, coming back three months later for an event in cold, wintry Portugal. Which will feel like an entirely different year and start to the Tour, even though it’s not.

From there it rumbles back into familiar form.

An Aussie leg, Brazil, the Tub, then a “grand slam” trio of G-Land, J-Bay and Tahiti to get a top five men and women. A single day surf-off imaginatively titled WSL Finals gets Dirk Ziff’s wish of a Title decided in the water

World Number One going into the Finals goes straight into the Final, which is a best of three heat deal. I think, a very epic and fair way to decide.

Does the WSL maintain their most valuable asset, a credible World Champ?

Very much so.

Especially if the as yet announced Finals day takes place in, say, pumping Cloudy or ten foot No-Kanduis.

September is still prime time for southern-hemi reefs.

The online presser delivered peak Elo: he claimed with a perfectly straight face that the changes in the New Era were “designed to harmonise with wholistic evolutions to multiple parts of the sport”.

No, I can’t decipher either.

I think it was something about the lower tiers of the sport, which are now split into the Q’ey proper and a Challenger Series. The relationship between the two feeder Tours and the CT itself remains confusing to me.

The aim is for QS surfers to be able to qualify for the Tour in a single year, but I can’t see how that would happen.

The gals are back in Teahupoo. A brave, bold move. Which will likely deliver copious laydays, zero-point heat totals and a Caroline Marks dynasty into the forseeable future. Also, many back-to-the-future wildcards for Keala Kennelly.

More pertinently, starting in 2022, there will be a mid-season roster cut with the mens numbers cut from 36 to 24 and gals from 18 to 12. That may end up being the single most significant advance in the sport for decades.

Giving us a Grand Slam leg with a streamlined roster that can fit into swell events without major contortions.

The gals are back in Teahupoo. A brave, bold move. Which will likely deliver copious laydays, zero-point heat totals and a Caroline Marks dynasty into the forseeable future. Also, many back-to-the-future wildcards for Keala Kennelly.

Elo has good reason to be chuffed.

The sport needed change and he’s delivered the roadmap. How much he can actually deliver on will be out of his hands to a large extent so he’s accumulated a large bank of goodwill to exist on whilst the post-covid global landscape becomes clear.

One more tiny thing.

Taking Pipe as the start, and assuming a Fiji finish, with the Tub and the G-land/J-Bay/Teahupoo Grand Slam as the “home straight” of the Tour.

Does that, or does that not, especially with Slater’s Kryponite the closeout beachbreaks of the European leg gone, seem tailor-made to keep Slater on Tour ad infinitum?

Even possibly deliver a 12 World Title?

It has his fingerprints all over it, no?

A very, very good thing.