Introducing Surf Theater.

The biggest investment co-Waterperson of the Year and billionaire Dirk Ziff made, when he purchased professional surfing for free back in 2013, was the acquisition of Kelly Slater’s eponymous Wave Company.

Surf Ranch, unveiled hours after Adriano de Souza claimed Brazil’s first world title in 2015 with the express intent of crushing his joy, was a marvel. An engineering wonder and certainly the future of surfing altogether.

Things have not quite gone according to plan.

New, more interesting, cost-efficient, scaleable technologies popped up in Surf Ranch’s wake, the facility has hosted the two most boring contests in surfing history and also the most boring specialty events, the only being built outside Lemoore, California is killing koalas by the truckload, or whichever cuddly Australian marsupials lives in wetlands, the U.S. Olympic team is shunning Surf Ranch for Waco and U.S.A. Today has no idea where it is.

Per the most widely read newspaper in America:

Surfer Carissa Moore, ranked No. 1 in the world, is no stranger to wave pools, training in Waco and competing at Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch in La Cienega, California, over the past three years.

“The biggest difference is Kelly Slater’s pool, or the surf range, is about 45 seconds long, and the Waco pool is probably top five seconds,” Moore said. “Kelly’s wave is pretty much kind of the same every time, and Waco has a lot of different settings, different waves that they can produce.”

Coach Brett Simpson went on to add:

“We’re not really expecting big waves. I mean, there is a chance for that, but we are expecting more high-performance, shorter rides, and that’s what Waco really allows us to do; really kind of fine-tune equipment and maneuver in the Japanese-style waves.”

Surf Ranch sure wishes it was in La Cienega, California, which isn’t actually a town but rather a boulevard that runs north/south through the west side of Los Angeles from very near Los Angeles International Airport to Sunset Boulevard hugging the Hollywood Hills.

Ideally, where could it be placed?

I’d say West Hollywood and could be themed very flamboyantly. Pulsing neon lights, staged productions, house music pumping at full volume, surprise appearances by Cher etc. and not called Surf Ranch at all but rather Surf Theater.

Very progressive. Very now and oh what might have been.

Mr. Logan... Mr. Logan...

The World Surf League, based in Santa Monica, California, released its much anticipated winner of the women’s cbdMD XXL Biggest Wave Award last week and was immediately engulfed in an inferno of criticism.

The award went to Brazil’s Maya Gabeira and released a breathless report detailing how the wave also set a new Guinness World Record for “Largest wave surfed (unlimited) – female.”

France’s Justine Dupont immediately pointed out a cornucopia of dubiousness, writing via Instagram:

The @wsl announced that the record for the biggest wave surfed would be awarded to a surfer who does not finish her wave. I decided to smile about it even though I am deeply hurt to be subjected to a decision that I believe is totally unfairI’m especially disappointed and ashamed of this league which claims to represent our sport.

They are based on a report from scientists who use the word “approximate” in front of each of their statements. It is stipulated among other things that:

-The size of the 2 surfer girls is approximately identical: FALSE (at + or – 10cm)
-Our two waves are approximately the same distance from the photographer: FALSE these are 2 different peaks on the biggest beach break in the world.
-They define the bottom of the wave of my competitor about 2m below where the lip of the wave breaks.
-Images of the other surfer were used after the publication deadline.

Most importantly, as noted in the opening salvo, Ms. Gabeira did not complete her ride.

Today, Ms. Dupont doubled down on her frustration by refusing entry into the upcoming French Rendezvous of Surfing, writing again via Instagram:

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFFf9ceHbcx/

I have always loved surfing in Anglet. Having still not received a response from @wsl to my questions regarding the many aberrations in their report, I want to remain consistent in my approach and I therefore decline their invitation to participate in #frenchrendezvousofsurfing next week.

I wish a nice day of surfing to all the competitors. In the meantime, I resource myself for a few days in France before tackling winter full. Thank you again to all of you for the support these last days you have been amazing. It’s heartwarming.

Very polite but I’m also confounded by the fact that the World Surf League has not reached out to her. Let’s be honest, there is very little happening, currently, in professional surfing. Ms. Dupont’s confusion about the award is legitimate and deserves, at the very least, personal explanation.

Like, what else is WSL CEO Erik Logan doing aside from getting his side all waxy in Manhattan Beach?

Certainly not fielding calls to sponsor upcoming Bumbles at the Ranch.

And so, Mr. Logan, on behalf of Justine Dupont and French speakers everywhere, I look at you and say:

We welcome change and openness; for we believe that freedom and security go together, that the advance of human liberty can only strengthen the cause of world peace. There is one sign the World Surf League can make that would be unmistakable, that would advance dramatically the cause of freedom and peace. CEO Erik Logan, if you seek peace, if you seek prosperity for the World Surf League and surf culture in general, if you seek liberalization, come here to this comment section. Mr. Logan, open this gate. Mr. Logan…Mr. Logan, write Justine Dupont an explanatory letter regarding the cbdMD XXL Biggest Wave Award.

Do you think it will work?

More as the story develops.

Have we got them all wrong?

Students/victims of the World Surf League’s preferred medium Tik Tok have most certainly been made aware of the song that has turned into a meme of a young girl singing about her friends. “Friends, friends, friends I definitely have friends, friends, friends, friendly friends time to meet my friends.”

In all honesty, her “friends” are not what would be considered as “worthwhile” but therein lies the great travesty for who amongst us is so worthy as to disparage others?

No none of us, is the answer, we are all rotten nerds. Vicious and mean. And so it is with great pride and pleasure that I bring you the story of Eric Morea, a Cape Cod fisherman, who made besties with a 10-foot Great White Shark.

The beasts usually get a very bad rap but Mr. Morea brought with him neither fear nor prejudice as he was out two days in a row, galavanting with his new buddy.

The customers on his boat were very excited.

“Most of the time, people say they want to come to Cape Cod … to see the sharks, and I say it’s a very rare occurrence that it happens.” he told the local Fox News affiliate “And it just happened to be that this was the right day for it.”

The Great White put on a docile show for its new friends, presenting its belly to be rubbed etc., for two days in a row, spending much time floating and being a silly goose which very much begs the question: Are Great Whites merely snuggly beasts that don’t know their own strength?

Like Lenny in Of Mice and Men?

Has Kelly Slater read Of Mice and Men?

Much to ponder.