World-famous surfer, coffee creamer scion, Laird Hamilton posts cryptic message to worried fans: “I need. Acting civilized on land has its place HOWEVER…”

Troubling.

World-famous surfer, part-time Malibu resident, husband, low body temperature enthusiast and coffee creamer scion Laird Hamilton took to Instagram, hours ago, and posted an entirely cryptic message to his legion of 325,000+ followers.

https://www.instagram.com/p/CFpQXI2BU6R/

The photo, which features a Laird Hamilton of indeterminate age (seeing that he has stopped aging decades ago via low body temperature and coffee creamer) carving a yellowed, extremely thin surfboard on a wave’s shoulder, is captioned: “I need.  Acting civilized on land has its place , and I have been doing a lot of that as I’m truly grateful for the opportunities HOWEVER….let’s go! Fueled by @lairdsuperfood”

Many questions.

What does Laird need?

Has he reached, or is he nearing, his breaking point with acting civilized on land?

Does the capitalized HOWEVER effectively cancel his gratefulness?

Where are we going?

Many, many questions.

Worried.


"Hey! That's my grandchild!"
"Hey! That's my grandchild!"

Breaking: 39-year-old woman, possible surfer, enters legendary quarterback Joe Montana’s Malibu home, snatches grandchild from arms and attempts to run out route!

Offsides!

Malibu, once ground zero of California’s surf culture, is a place as beautiful as it is dangerous. First Point, for example, is an exquisite wave and yet decapitation due wealthy kook-on-SUP is an entirely real possibility. Homes featuring stately interiors and multi-million dollar views are regularly threatened with fire and slide.

Or, as it turns out, 39-year-old women, possibly just having surfed First Point, entering unannounced, snatching a baby and attempting the ol’ out route.

This is exactly what happened to legendary National Football League quarterback Joe Montana whilst he and his wife Jennifer were enjoying their stately interior and multi-million dollar views.

TMZ Sports has reported that an unnamed 39-year-old woman entered the Montana home through an unlocked door, saw a woman holding a Montana grand-baby and snagged the child right out of her arms.

Fumble.

The woman then made off to a different part of the house where she was confronted by Joe Montana and while he did not play defense, in the NFL, was still able to wrestle the baby away from the intruder, who turned and ran away.

She was arrested down the street and booked on kidnapping and burglary charges.

Whoa.

What do you imagine is the backstory here?

For sure there’s a backstory.

No?

Just a simple case of Malibu?

Dangerous and beautiful.


"Shhhhh... I'm not allowed to do anything but if I pinch your nose, you'll die faster."
"Shhhhh... I'm not allowed to do anything but if I pinch your nose, you'll die faster."

New South Wales residents infuriated as lifeguards cancel mouth-to-mouth resuscitation: “(It) would haunt you forever if you knew you could save someone but were told not to!”

Peak Covid absurdity?

Australia is rounding the bend toward its first full Covid summer, heat, crowds on the beach, etc. A break from routine, surfing, swimming, remembering that it is possible to enjoy life again. Or possible as long as a lung-full of water is taken in New South Wales and a lifeguard is present.

Typically, a lifeguard would be a welcome addition to any post-near drowning resuscitation scene but not this year for this year mouth-to-mouth has been canceled and the lifeguard must idly stand by and watch vitality slowly drain away from the victim until the only thing left is a cold, grey corpse.

In a Saturday announcement, Surf Life Saving NSW Chief Executive Steve Pearce said, “We’ll no longer be doing mouth to mouth resuscitation, we’ll still be doing CPR.” NSW Emergency Services Minister David Elliott added, “Of course there are going to be changes to the interaction that the Surf Life Savers have with beachgoers and that will see a change to the way that they conduct mouth to mouth. I don’t believe that anybody’s life will be at risk but it shouldn’t be a reason for people to be complacent.”

The cancellation of mouth-to-mouth has angered many with people sharing frustrations on social media.

“If someone is pulled from the water and mouth to mouth could save them (young child etc) I would be doing the mouth to mouth to save a life, that would haunt you forever if you knew you could save someone but were told not to.”

“I think if I was dying I’d rather catch (COVID-19) off the person who just breathed for me until I can do it on my own.”

“There’s something wrong about this. If it can save a life, isn’t that good?”

Etc.

Also not mentioned, but equally serious, is how many couplings will be thwarted by handsome/beautiful lifeguards not allowed to breathe life into handsome/beautiful victims.

But have we reached peak absurdity with the Coronavirus pandemic yet? If someone is literally and actually dying in front of a lifeguard they will not be allowed to save them due to an extremely low-percentage theoretical death?

Or do we have a ways to go before peak absurdity?

More as the story develops.


Frame grab from video showing deputies arresting Reinhold.
Frame grab from video showing deputies arresting Reinhold.

Home of surfboard industry, San Clemente, rocked by protests as unarmed homeless Black man shot and killed after being stopped for jaywalking by two Orange County sheriff’s deputies.

Tragic.

And there just seems to be no break from the unrelenting bad news as it relates to race relations in the United States of America. On Wednesday, San Clemente, California, home of the surfboard industry, entered the ugly fray when two Orange County sheriff’s deputies shot and killed an unarmed homeless Black man after stopping him for jaywalking.

Per The Orange County Register:

1:15 p.m. Wednesday, two deputies with a homeless outreach team encountered Kurt Andras Reinhold, 42, near the Hotel Miramar, off of South El Camino Real.

It is unclear what prompted it, but a ground fight broke out, the Sheriff’s Department said shortly after the shooting.

The department said Reinhold – whose last known address was in Los Angeles County – reached for a deputy’s gun before he was shot. Two gunshots were fired by one deputy during the incident.

Shortly after Reinhold was shot, deputies began lifesaving measures but they were unsuccessful.

I have no doubt that policing is more difficult, more potentially dangerous, than ever but the “victim-was-reaching-for officer’s-gun” excuse is, let’s be honest, ridiculously overused, generally unprovable even with “photo evidence” and at this point beggars belief.

A demonstration rocked typically quite San Clemente the next day, beginning at the former site of the Pipes Cafe and organized by former City Council candidate Jackson Hinkle.

Hinkle told the Register he believes the San Clemente shooting was related to the Sheriff’s Department and other law-enforcement personnel trying to step up jaywalking enforcement, adding, “Instead of giving him food and support, they gave him two bullets. Instead of letting him walk away, they body slammed him to the ground and pinned him. I want justice. I want those officers arrested.”

Sheriff Don Barnes asked the public to reserve judgement until an investigation has taken place which seems particularly unlikely as Reinhold’s death occurred directly on the heels of a decision in Kentucky not to prosecute officers there over the shooting death of Breonna Taylor. Justice, for many, seeming an un-reachable fantasy.

Whatever one’s beliefs on Black Lives Matter etc., the loss of Reinhold is tragic in every way.

Every single damned way.


Listen: “Well, you got trouble, my friends, right here in surf city. Trouble with a capital ‘T’ and that rhymes with ‘P’ and that stands for porn!”

A musical on the horizon?

But what a coup those Sisters Coffey just pulled right smack in the middle of a Coronavirus pandemic. Grabbing more eyeballs, more headlines, more clicks, clacks, conversation in one week than the World Surf League has since a nice man from Wuhan, China ate a bat in December, 2019.

A deluge.

Much of the news has been how “loaded suggestions” are not being delivered and as I sat on a deck on the Baja peninsula, overlooking an empty point, chatting with David Lee Scales about the week’s surf news which was, again, exclusively Coffey, had a revelation.

What if they are modern day flim-flam gals? Snake oil saleswomen? Out looking for those suckers born every minute but in a real old-school way? Rolling in to town promising the peach and skedaddling with purses full of jingly dimes fully clothed?

Oh my, I see a grand musical theater production with a cast of ripped-off surfers, angry librarians, a frustrated Erik Logan with pockets turned inside out and a big frown on his face. Probably wearing suspenders.

Derek Rielly also in a starring role.

Karl Von Fanningstad can write the lyrics and… who wants to do set design? Oh I’m getting ahead of myself here.

But do you see it?

Feel it?

Listen here.

Or watch.