“Coaching is a bit of a fucking magician show. I wanted to see if there’s any value in coaching, that it had any grounds, that it wasn’t a farce.” 

Ain’t no secret that Australian competitive surfing is at its lowest point in history, no genuine title contenders, no teen freaks coming through the ranks, the country’s only bauble a bronze medal from the Tokyo Games. 

And this, despite the government millions thrown at Surfing Australia, the funnel through which potential champions are poured through via regional contests etc. 

All of that is set to become a memory now that Andy King, the personal coach of Gabriel Medina and Mick Fanning, has been appointed head coach at Surfing Australia. 

Andy is the Australian pro from Cronulla who lost his hearing after a street fight in 2004; a hard-charging goofyfooter who grew up with an alcoholic pops (Andy kept a knife under his pillow for protection) and who shifted to surf coaching after his tour comeback was stymied by his deafness.

He was intro’d to Medina by Mick Fanning at a time when Medina’s life was going through rapid change, the estrangement of his family, a new wife and so on. 

Medina’s shaper said King’s arrival stilled Medina’s emotional state, elevated his performance.

Cue: a world title at a canter.

Two years ago, King, who had the feeling that coaching high-level pro’s was all smoke and mirrors (“Was I just security to make their life easier? I didn’t know,” he says), turned a Russian synchronised swimmer into a shredder in eighteen months.

“Coaching is a bit of a fucking magician show,” he says. “I wanted to see if there’s any value in coaching, that it had any grounds, that it wasn’t a farce.” 

With the Paris Games two-and-a-half years away, and with the surf event being held at Teahupoo, King is gonna attempt to improve Australia’s medal haul, chasing silver, maybe gold.

“This (upcoming Olympic period) is the biggest stage in our sport, held at the biggest and best location in the surfing world. I’m so honoured to ride with the Australian team into this battle. Tahiti will truly showcase what our sport is all about and it is overwhelming to have this opportunity,” Andy said in the usual stiff press release. 

Not real sure who’s gonna snatch gold at Teahupoo, howevs, maybe Jackie Robinson? 

Board tries to rip out surf star's pancreas.

Eli Hanneman, the nineteen year old from Maui who surfs as if he was a wizard casting a spell, has almost died in a bizarre wipeout at Pipeline, his board reversing into his guts while his head and face connected with the infamous reef.

Eighties pro Jim Hogan snatched a sequence of the event.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Jim Hogan (@jimhogan_)

“Took a pretty bad spill out at Pipe Monday afternoon which put me in the hospital. I got pretty banged up but I believe God has had his hand on me through it all!,” Eli wrote on Instagram.

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Eli (@elihanneman)

“I can’t thank @brodi_sale @northshorelifeguardassociationenough for saving my life, you guys are the reason I’m still alive❤️. I don’t have too much memory of what went down but if I didn’t mention anyone that helped me let me know so you don’t go unnoticed and unappreciated! I’m pretty strung out on drugs right now so I might sound fried but I’m just so happy to be alive.

“Ended up with 8 staples in the back of my head, 6 stitches in my chin, cuts all over my body from my shoulders, to my hips and lower body, all of which from the reef. The head injuries are always a major concern and something that is going to be looked into, since I did have a concussion but the most significant damage done was actually from my board.

“Underwater my board must’ve hit me pretty hard in the upper abdomen causing a laceration in my pancreas, which was causing significant pain to my stomach area. Luckily the doctors found that it was not something I needed surgery for and I was able to be operated through my stomach without surgery needing to be done.”

A who’s who of pro surfing, including Zeke Lau, Jamie O’Brien, Conner Coffin, Carrissa Moore and Kai Lenny dived into Eli’s IG to pay their respects, wish a speedy recovery, throw a few prayers etc.

Erik Logan, are you watching?

The Billabong Pro Pipeline née Masters is but hours away and as much as we may want to excite, thrill, at our heroes back in singlets, a certain exhaustion looms. Oh, professional organized surfing is a fun-adjacent way to kill a work day but, let’s be honest with each other, how many heats are actually worth watching?

How many surfers, themselves, are (a fact made truly clear with Karl Von Fanningstadt’s brilliant Power Rankings)?

Does Leonardo Fioravanti vs. Deivid Silva vs. Nat Young (heat 12) get your heart pumping? What about Frederico Morais vs. Miguel Pupo vs. Jackson Baker (heat 8)?

Morgan Cibilic vs. Connor O’Leary vs. Caio Ibelli (heat 3)?

Italo Ferreira vs. Callum Robson vs. Miguel Tudela (heat 5)?

No because rarely do we get to see the surfers we want battling each other or the surfers we want full stop.

The World Surf League tried to remedy by introducing the “Final’s Day” concept which works well enough (minus Lower Trestles) except why was it not pushed further? Why was the very idea of seeding based upon standing tossed into the trash and lit on fire?

Take snowboarding’s Natural Selection, currently underway in gorgeous Jackson Hole, Wyoming (watch day one here). Now I know that your eyes roll when I get to talking about snowboarding but the tour’s format is simply superior. There is, first, no qualifying series. The snowboarders are chosen and generally the ones fans want to see. There is, second, no seeding. The events begin with gathering of riders wherein one name is drawn. That man, or woman, then chooses whom she, or he, will go head to head against. Repeat until the bracket is finished.

But what utter joy. The selection of opponent is a fun bacchanal but just underneath the surface, tension reigns. The competitors whose names are drawn generally choose whom they think they can beat leading to lightly pricked egos leading to added fire on the first run day.

Each rider gets two laps, loser goes home.

As there are no Miguel Tudela equivalents, each heat is worth watching and imagine the glee we professional surf fans would experience if this was adopted by our WSL. Whom would tanned, rested and ready Kelly Slater select? What about young Ivan Florence? Mason Ho would certainly be invited and whom would he select?

Tell me this would not be much better than our current Griffin Colapinto vs. Liam O’Brien vs. Matthew McGillivray (heat 2).

Tell me this is not what you’d prefer.

Watch Jackson Hole final’s day (maybe Friday) here.