Jonah Hill, heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne, shreds surfers spreading misinformation about his relationship status: “The rumors are true. I am engaged but not to my girlfriend. I am engaged to your mom.”
Surfing great Jonah Hill, previously famous for funny movies, has absolutely shredded surfers, the media, general public for spreading misinformation about his love life in a searing Instagram post.
The heir to Miki Dora’s Malibu throne has clapped back at those suggesting he may be engaged to love interest and surf instructor Sarah Brady writing “The rumors are not true. I am engaged. But not to my girlfriend. I am engaged to your mom. I know this is shocking but please respect our privacy at this time.”
But more to the point, what do you feel about Hill now being engaged to your mother?
Mike Delaney, Jonah Hill doppelgänger Matt Biolos’s glasser, seemed thrilled, responding, “My mom is a lesbian so it makes perfect sense. Congrats you two” adding a shaka for emphasis.
Other surfers were confused though possibly elated at entering Malibu’s heavy pecking order, as son-in-law, near the top.
Though how do you feel?
If Jonah Hill ended up marrying your mother would you be ring bearer at the great event or sulking at home?
I’d have to think you’d be ring bearer.
Congratulations.
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World’s most-loved surfer Mick Fanning takes new role as culinary guide for Australia’s Gold Coast: “Dive a little deeper and maybe turn left when you normally turn right!”
The re-education of Mick Fanning, post professional surf career, has been dizzying. The three-time World Champion has launched a beer company, invested in yoga-esque workout spaces, helped bankroll “wellness towers,” bought and sold and bought again many millions worth of property on his Gold Coast.
He is a business, man, with unforeseen pivots in multiple directions.
Now, I have spent time on Fanning’s Gold Coast, Coolangatta and the like, and enjoyed it much but also did not consider the dining scene to be “world-class.” Oh, the local McDonald’s prepared the Big Brekkie burger exceptionally and the meat pies at the Coolangatta Pie Shop are second to none but… I don’t know but am also apparently wrong because the aforementioned Mick Fanning has just signed on with Uber Eats as a culinary guide, as it were.
In a recent interview with A Current Affair, Fanning declared, “Just hearing stories of different restaurateurs and the whole sort of food and beverage industry has been tough so, if I can lend a helping hand … it’s easy on my part.”
That helping hand will guide people away from their rote standards into exciting culturally appropriated wonderlands like Caracara Tacos, which serves Fanning’s favorite Mexican food.
“I think we go on apps like Uber Eats and stuff like that and we sort of just look at the same things we always do,” he continued. “But the thing is to sort of dive a little bit deeper and maybe turn left when you normally turn right and yeah, go and find something new and take some new food because as I said, there’s so many incredible restaurants out there.”
Yum.
Those who live on the Gold Coast, what will you be inspired to try?
Maybe something from Domino’s Pizza?
KFC’s Spicy Cluck?
Exciting days.
Be inspired here.
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Question: Is this the official end of “The Brazilian Storm” or merely a beautiful almond shaped eye of respite in its middle?
The most important geopolitical question of our time.
Well? I’m asking you. The facts on the ground, today, show the only Brazilian surfer currently headed to the Lower Trestles final’s day is Caio Ibelli. Filipe Toledo is below the cutline though still a favorite to win it all because Lower Trestles, Italo Ferreira barely making the mid-season cull and Gabriel Medina home nursing a hurt spirit.
So is this it? The official end of the Brazilian Storm or merely a beautiful almond shaped eye of respite in its middle?
Do the Brothers Pupo come up big and surprise and hammer all-comers?
What about Baby Chumbo?
It’s a heavy comedown from last year, certainly, with the title all but guaranteed a Brazilian for the foreseeable future and who would have seen Hawaii returning to dominance. Two in the top five heading over to Europe. Neither named John or John.
Exciting days.
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The incomparable Jamie Brisick on Malibu heavy Jonah Hill, greatest surfer of all-time Kelly Slater and the indescribable joy of male pedicures!
Jamie Brisick is an absolute gift. We don’t deserve the one-time professional surfer turned the best writer our world has ever produced but somehow, someway, we have him. Brisick’s intelligence, wit, work ethic, boundless curiosity and surf skill give him an entirely unique perspective, one that he graciously shares, one that he graciously shared with David Lee Scales and me when he stopped by for weekly chat.
Oh, I know this podcast is not your favorite favorite. That’s ok as my singular gift is thick skin, alongside my other singular gift of turning one small rumor into ten stories, but Brisick is worth a listen. On the boil? Malibu heavy Jonah Hill and probable hypocrisy, Kelly Slater never saying die, the joy of male pedicures and why surfing insists on eating itself.
Unfancied Hawaiian surfer shocks world’s best to win Sunset Beach event and steal tour lead from Kelly Slater, “Barron Mamiya has a power so evident there’s no need for theatrics, a quiet, smooth violence that greatly appeals!”
As we leave the North Shore a Hawaiian surfer who hasn’t qualified stands on top of the world, and that, ladies and gentlemen, may be an anomaly but it is not a fluke.
Finals day it was. A day where the waves will go unremembered but some sharp surfing from athletes we’re just getting to know, and perhaps beginning to love, might linger a little longer.
I worked myself into a hole early. I’d began the day with my head high and chest puffed like Ultimate Surfer Zeke Lau as he made his way to the water.
Ppppffffffff…Caio Ibelli. Both of us were thinking.
Nice run, now off home to say your prayers and comb your hair forward.
But we forgot about God.
Apparently He had infiltrated the judge’s tower. The eight-point ride awarded for Caio’s opening ride seemed like it could only have come from the land of make-believe.
Just on judging for a minute…I don’t want to dwell on it for fear of madness or smite, but it was typically erratic for the whole competition.
Why, in God’s name, can they not just get this fundamental element right? No-one’s expecting it to be perfect, but everyone expects it to be better.
They might start with a little accountability. Let’s see the judges, let’s hear from them. We want justification, transparency. You know, normal expectations of people empowered to make high-stakes decisions.
Do they review heats and produce reports? If I was an athlete or coach I’d demand it.
Or do they just get to hide in their ivory tower and toy with us? It’s no wonder god felt at home. The judging stand looked plush, like a house, said Joe. They’ve got a kitchen apparently. And presumably a massive fridge crammed full of booze.
Ultimate Surfer Zeke Lau’s loss in the first heat of the day drove a stake through my bruised and bloodied chances of redemption. After that I chased it, as you do.
Joe told us “a lot of Caio jerseys have been flying off the shelves”. It was a classic Joe Turpel segue, otherwise known as an outright lie.
Sorry if you think that’s slanderous, Joey, but I’d defy you to prove otherwise.
Barron dispatched Seth in quarter final two. I noted that Barron continued to look like he belongs here, and that was about the only thing I got right.
The WSL bucked a trend by interviewing some losers today, though notably only the nice ones. Seth Moniz spoke after his loss and appears infinitely likeable. I enjoy his surfing and the way he carries himself. Correct me if you think I’m wrong, but is he not one of the few surfers without a glaring weak spot in his game?
The universal and dizzying love affair with Ethan Ewing was in full effect next. It’s a cultish following, and although I’ve begun to understand it a little, he could become the most annoying name on Tour through no fault of his own.
Barton said we watch him surf and say aaaaaahhh, uuuhhhhhh and OOOhuuuhhhaaa…
So do the deities in the tower, apparently.
At some point Barton mentioned prizemoney. He said he’d been asked how much you got for a quarter final finish and admitted to having no idea, before finding out later it was 16k. Not bad, he reckoned. I’d disagree.
Prize money has always seemed like another big WSL hush, hush. Likely due to the embarrassing recognition that it’s utter chicken feed in comparison to other sports.
So, just to out them, here it is: $80k for a win; $45k for 2nd; $25k for a losing semi-finalist; $16k for getting to a quarter-final; $13k for going out in the round of 16; $10k for round of 32; and $9750 for a 33rd place finish.
(It bumps up slightly after the cut).
Incidentally, whilst trawling the rule book to find this, I also discovered that a surfer might be fined $2k for failing to attend a press conference if requested, including post-heat interview. This seems to give them licence to talk to the losers, particularly the sore and angry ones, and this would be a massive improvement going forward.
On hang on, there’s a slight issue with this further down the rulebook. Apparently a surfer might be fined up to $10k(!) for “using profanity on broadcast of event or media interview”.
Puritan cunts.
Which brings me to Kanoa, who dispatched Jack Robbo in the last quarter final. A shame given Robbo’s aesthetically pleasing dominance when the waves are firing, but inevitable given today’s conditions.
Kanoa surfed well today. His turn in the semi against Ethan was spectacular and he was a deserving winner. I actually thought he was underscored a bit overall in this heat and Ethan “Golden Child” Ewing was conversely overscored.
Can I tell you a secret? I don’t hate Kanoa’s surfing.
It can be sharp and clinical, maybe a little too much at times, but that’s surely nitpicking. He does carry himself a bit weird, his claims are distasteful and his fashion sense is an abomination, but I’m going to try and ignore that stuff in future. Maybe.
But the day was won by Barron Mamiya, and perhaps a little of our hearts, too.
An injury-replacement surfer stealing a win is always a good story, and whilst many would have expected the local boy to be in the mix at Pipe, few might have expected his strongest result to come just along the beach.
If the conditions were suspect for finals day, Mamiya’s surfing was not. Beyond that, he was a standout throughout the comp – big and unruly, clean and rippable, or marginal like today, Mamiya slayed it all.
Usually when an unheralded surfer goes a long way we might point to elements of luck or controversy that pushed them on, not so with Barron. I can’t remember a single score that seemed juiced or unreasonable.
It would be a tough call for the WSL to deny him the opportunity to compete for the rest of the year.
As we leave the North Shore a Hawaiian surfer who hasn’t qualified stands on top of the world, and that, ladies and gentlemen, may be an anomaly but it is not a fluke.
Barron Mamiya seems every bit a surfer we might enjoy supporting. He seemed composed, intelligent, measured. There’s something tiger-like in his demeanour, a power so evident that there’s no need for theatrics. There’s a quiet, smooth violence about his surfing that greatly appeals.
Barron’s win put me squarely even for the day but roundly trounced for the comp overall.
This morning the weather is bright and clear, a brief window of calm before the approaching storms.
I’m going splitboarding to wash off some of the filth.
