Great White attack on teenage surfer forces authorities to close stretch of NSW coastline as state government redeploys hundreds of miles of shark nets!

The mystical communion between Great Whites and surfers continues!

A couple of mornings ago, a teen surfer was hit by a Great White at Avoca Beach, the very same stretch of sand where former world number seven Ace Buchan is trying to offload his beloved beach house for three-mill plus. 

(The selling agent wasn’t wrong when he described the joint as, “The perfect example of a gorgeous family home situated on one of the finest streets and sought-after neighbourhoods in Avoca Beach.”)

Anyway, the kid, no name or age given, was bitten on the hand, went home and called the ambos who took him to the local hozzy where he was discharged shortly after. 

The sharks was quickly identified by as a Great White.

“NSW DPI shark biologists have assessed photographs of the teenager’s injuries and surfboard and have determined the bite indentations are indicative of a white shark,” a spokesperson for The NSW Department of Primary Industries said. 

As you’d expect, Avoca Beach and surrounds were automatically shuttered as drones flew overhead, looking for the black stain of a Great White swaying feverishly in its waters. 

The attack, real minor, although I ain’t in a rush to have a Great White attached to the end of my arm, came one day before the NSW government decided, against a groundswell of opinion, to redeploy shark nets across 51 beaches from Newcastle to Wollongong. 

A lot of people ain’t into nets ‘cause they’re a dumb, blunt instrument, killing Whites, sure, but also mowing through plenty of happy mammals,  turtles, dolphins and so on. 

In 2021-22, 376 marine animals got ‘emselves tangled in the nets, most of ‘em what they call “non-target” creatures like rays and turtles, even a humpback whale.

Roughly, a third of ‘em survived the experience. 

The Department of Primary Industries reported 28 Whites, 12 Bulls and 11 Tigers were put out of commission by the nets.


Italo (pictured) skating through museum.

Surfing’s first gold medal winner Italo Ferreira inspires masses by erecting museum to self featuring World Surf League trophies, singlets and large scale photographs of iconic glories!

Stoke-ed for the win.

When you finally come into your own, riches flowing, public adequately appreciating what you have long known (i.e. that you are great) what is the very first thing that you will do? Buy mother a home? Boring. Buy girlfriend a fancy car? Environmentally unchill. Children a future? The world is officially ending in 2033.

Self a museum?

Well here we go.

And Italo Ferreira, world’s first Olympic surfing gold medalist, World Surf League champion, inspiration for the just-around-the-corner Final’s Day has, once again, shown the way. Examine a recent clip of the Brazilian star skateboarding around the Museu de Italo Ferriera.

Here you can find Ferreira contest trophies, Ferreira contest singles, photographs blown large of Ferreira in various states of iconic victory.

And nothing else because there is, also, nothing else at the Picasso Museum in Barcelona except Picasso. Nothing else at the Andy Warhol Museum in Pittsburgh except Andy Warhol.

Progressive.

Now.

The future (ending 2033).


Kai Lenny (pictured) in Surfline twenty foot plus barrel.

Surfline launches revolutionary big-wave surfing event series titled “Twenty Foot Plus” greatly confusing World Surf League Fans: “Wait… aren’t all Championship Tour events already 20 foot plus?”

Lower Trestles.

Fans of professional surfing at its very highest level were thrown into great confusion, yesterday, with the announcement of a new big-wave event “activated” by Surfline. Titled “Twenty Foot Plus,” promises to “chronicle the world’s best big-wave surfers in the heaviest waves on Earth. And on the very best days, Surfline will broadcast the action live, from multiple angles, in ways guaranteed to take it all next level.”

Exciting, but, World Surf League enthusiasts immediately began scratching their heads, wondering if they had somehow already missed the show. Surfline, as you know, is the official forecasting partner for the aforementioned League and, regularly, declares that swells for the events are certain to reach at least twenty feet.

“We wanted to put our careers in our own hands,” notable big wave stud Jamie Mitchell told the website. “We’ve got a bunch of surfers and we’re heading in the right direction. We want to write our own path for big-wave surfing. I would expect big, different, more creative things that maybe haven’t been seen before. I want to see a young guy like Luca Padua, for example, have a gateway to a professional career in big-wave surfing. I want these young girls coming up to see a career path as well — that’s what we’re setting out to do.”

Might Mitchell, Padua, Koa Rothman, Kai Lenny et. al. have already surfed a stunning heat at the Oi Rio Pro or Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach that was simply missed?

Is Filipe Toledo a big-wave surfer?

As die-hard professional surfing aficionados go back into the 2022 contest vault looking for signs of Mark Healy there are, currently, more questions than answers.


Bikes bikes bikes!

Fury over cavalcade of “rabble kook scum” on electric bikes at site of surfing’s world title showdown in California mounts as petition circulates for their permanent removal, “It’s getting out of control and no one is speaking up!”

"The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by… kooks and their endless gear fetishes."

The avant-garde stylist and artist Tyler Warren, “shaper of longboards for lazy people” as one reader puts it, has had a swing at the e-bike craze that has turned Lowers and surrounds into a tangle of two-thousand dollar electric bikes, an immense black grotto of steel and rubber.

“The time has come to put our foot down and stop the use of Electric Bikes in California State beaches and parks,” writes Tyler. “Please sign the petition in my bio and help keep our special places not over run with excess of people and over useage that takes away from the beauty and peace of our last naturally beautiful places. The electric bikes have gotten so bad they are littered up and down beautiful state park beaches on a daily basis. It makes it feel like the 405 freeway when your out to get your fill of beach sand and ocean. 

“Kids younger then 10 have them and race around with no respect or license. In this more n more of a rat race world we live in let’s keep the traffic on the street and not on our sand. With more and more E-bike companies, stores and purchases this is a snowball effect that we can’t turn our backs to. 

“I have plenty of friends that ride them and get there ease but it’s getting out of control and no one is speaking up so I feel the need to protect the places I love and want to share with further generations knowing what it was like walking up the beach with a view of sand and water not a pile of E-bikes.” 

 

View this post on Instagram

 

A post shared by Tyler Warren (@tyler_warren)

The issue is an emotive one and as crazy as it is, it’s fascinating to watch the bile explode.

Andy St Onge, from Sunset Beach, Oahu, whom you’ll remember as the author of the magnificent “One single wave can epitomise or encapsulate everything imaginable or possible in a surfing life”, was especially riled.

“All Kooks — foils, sups, jetskiis, yoga creeps, sellout wannabes, etc etc etc. If you don’t live there don’t surf there. Beat it. The recreational integrity of surfing has been so hopelessly degraded by the combined compounded impact of unrestrained commercialism with hordes of par venu kooks and their endless gear fetishes. Charlatans all. Including of course the plebeian aspiring surf stars who whore themselves out to the lowest bidder. Rabble kook scum one and all.”

Of the three hundred or so comments, most were on the side of Warren, his followers regarding their use as vulgar and opportunistic.

I find the e-bike a fascinating invention and marvel, often, at how quickly they came into common use, particularly at such a high price point.

Do you own a little electric bike? Are they as good as they look?

And have you seen, at close hand, the conga line of bikes to Lowers, everyone lined up, pricks to asses?

 

 


World Surf League CEO Erik Logan (pictured) with paddle.

Explosive controversy builds in wake of brutal lineup assault on surf champion Joel Tudor’s buttocks: “What did the stand-up paddler know and when did he know it?”

Was this a hit?

Earlier today, the surf universe was shocked to learn that champion longboarder Joel Tudor had been brutally assaulted at his home break. Surveillance video appears to show the Duct Tape Invitational creator and style master being repeatedly beat on his knees, torso and buttocks by an alleged out-of-control stand-up paddleboarder’s naughty paddle.

As surf violence is on the rise, initial response to the disturbing video centered on the viciousness the SUP pilot intended to mete out on Tudor’s buttocks but has since turned to questions of why.

Who would do such a thing?

Wait.

Who would do such a thing?

Tudor had well-publicized beef with the World Surf League, earlier this year, wherein he called the home of professional surfing out for its performative equality and etc.

After a series of other hammers, the iconic longboarder and sitting world champion, was unceremoniously suspended, indefinitely.

Well, as it turns out, the World Surf League CEO is a notable SUP pilot and…

… oh stop. I am not presuming anything, here, just wondering.

Was this a hit?