Idiocracy.

Today is the hottest Southern California’s Ocean Pacific has been in ten years. Science declares it is 73.4 degrees Fahrenheit (23 degrees celsius, 2876 degrees Surfline) but it sure felt warmer. The air is 89. I just got out of the water, hair still dripping, after surfing a fun little wedge. There was no bite, upon entry. Not one tiny little clench of the jaw. It felt like getting into a lukewarm bathtub.

And here’s where things get bizarre. I paddled out into the lineup on my Album twin (5’10) sat in the lineup and studied the men around me. There were four sitting on the peak, three more down the beach, three more up the beach.

Each of them was wearing a wetsuit.

One a jacket, the rest full on long-legged, long-armed 3/2s.

Why?

What in the world is happening?

Surfing wetsuit-less is one of life’s great joys and only happens for two, maybe three months a year here. Why would any of those minutes be covered with constricting, extra-hot neoprene?

The only conclusions I could draw, while bobbing near nude with only a pair of Ola Canvas trunks covering unseemly bits, were either that Southern Californians had lost their ever-loving minds, spending too much time driving solo in cars with masks covering nose/mouth/too much time walking solo outside with masks covering nose/mouth or the kook apocalypse has fully and completely arrived with “surfing” and “wetsuit” synonymous.

Or is there some other reason that SURFERS ARE WEARING FULL WETSUITS IN A MASSIVE AND HISTORIC HEATWAVE?

Help.

Haves vs. Have Littles.

Last year, or maybe the year before (who really knows anything anymore in these the Covid/Post-Covid years of our lives), surfing’s iconic Triple Crown was re-imagined. Previously, it was a simple but wonderful formula. The surfer holding highest combined event results from Haleiwa, Sunset and mighty Pipeline was crowned and there, by the grace of God, went we.

Things changed, though, thanks to the aforementioned lung disease and it was turned into a video submission thing wherein, I guess, surfers enter their best clips from each wave and get voted upon (?).

Equal opportunities for all!

Or are there?

A well-placed source with a finger on the North Shore pulse has declared that majority of locals are “bitterly opposed” to the new format.

“The elite guys have full-fledged production teams with two to three Red cameras on land and drones covering every blip but the average guys can’t afford full-time teams so feel it’s unfair, skewed, impossible and a waste of time chasing. At least in a contest it’s a level playing field, but when it’s all based on video clips the haves vs. the have littles are at such a distinct disadvantage. There’s heavy grumbling.”

It makes very much sense but also causes me to wonder. Will Meta CEO and world’s sixth richest man Mark Zuckerberg toss his cap into the ring? Oh, I know he has fallen out of love with surfing but imagine what he could do with his production capabilities.

Win, I’d imagine, then hang it over ex-BFF Kai Lenny’s head like the world’s largest lei.

To the victor go the spoils etc.