"Being authentically trans is deep and heavy traumatic work. It’s ridiculous how much we have to go through just to even exist gracefully in this world."

A couple of months back, the most dominant surfer ever Kelly Slater broke the hearts of trans-girls everywhere when he responded to a WSL rule change that allows biological males, albeit with low levels of T, to compete, with a call for a “trans division.”

The knife was turned again when, in response to Kid Rock blowing hell out of Dylan Mulvaney-emblazoned Bud Light cans with an assault rifle, Slater commented, “Hahahaha. No words necessary.”

(Dylan Mulvaney, if y’don’t know, is a boy gone girl who likes “possums and twilight and pretzels.”) 

Now, the pro-trans website Surf Equity (“Access—Inclusion—Equity—Justice in Pro Surfing”) has danced on Slater’s still-warm competitive corpse posting an Instagram story with the worlds “We hope Kelly Slater takes time to address his fascist tendencies” over a screenshot of an OC Register story of his demise.

It ain’t the first time Surf Equity has had a swing at the Champ, pushing back on Slater’s supposed coup de grâce to “name a few women who have transitioned to men who are winning or even competitive in men’s sports divisions. I’ll wait.”

(Surf Equity suggests an examination of Schuyler Bailar, Tyler C Wilde and Lucas Draper.) 

Slater gets short shrift from Surf Equity’s followers, his words insulting, colour blind etc. 

“We don’t need kelly ‘defending’ women’s surfing…not from the same guy who publicly shamed big wave surfer maya gabeira after almost dying, and def not through transphobic garbage commentary like this. Identifying as a surfboard?! 11 titles and still a fkn kook!! At the least I hope this brought surf equity some publicity. Equal rights in sports is good for everyone.”

“As a trans person who has had to struggle my whole life to feel accepted, by Kelly saying “identifiying as a surfboard” is completely dehumanizing of me and other trans peoples experiences. You don’t just wake up one day saying “hey I’m going to identify as a surfboard”. Being authentically trans is deep and heavy traumatic work. It’s ridiculous how much we have to go through just to even exist gracefully in this world. and it’s idiots like Kelly Slater that keep gatekeeping us from belonging in all places we deserve to belong…. ALSO (cause I’m venting) you can’t just change your race. That’s so insulting and color blind and has nothing to do with transitioning genders!”

“Perhaps @kellyslater doesn’t even realize how deeply he’s influenced by and helping to perpetuate anti-trans misinformation and hate. And unlike other professional sports, the surf industry lags way behind in efforts to recognize, include, or support LGBTQ athletes. Here on North Shore O’ahu, it’s still the dark ages on these issues and concerns. Ugh.”

Back to the T-girl debate, I’ll ask again: is Valentina Sampaio, who appeared in Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Issue and on the VS catwalk, your favourite crossover trans-model ? 

Or are you team Geena Rocero, a Playboy centrefold in 2019?  

Are you pre or post-op?

Also!

Are T-girls chicks with dicks or dudes with tits?

(I’ll go first: Yes, no, pre-op and depends on the gal!)

“How do you look your wife in the eye if you’ve knocked a kid out just because you didn’t want to wear a legrope?”

The ongoing battle between VALS living the retro-nostalgia dream of riding leashless logs in crowded lineups and regular joes wanting to swish around on a few waves without being decapitated will reach a head this week when a Byron Bay councillor introduces a motion to enforce the use of leashes. 

Cate Coorey, a progressive councillor who says “we must heal and restore this land and plan for a climate disrupted future” wants fines of up to $1100 and rangers and cops wandering the beach enforcing the law. 

“We would have to have the signage at the entrances to the beaches and then we would have compliance officers that would be on the alert for it,” Coorey told ABC. “We have officers that go along the beach, we have rangers and we have people in the parks.”

It ain’t the first time Coorey’s had a swing at leashless VALS. Four years ago, she campaigned for a safety awareness program to address the problem of “hipsters” surfing leashless in and around the Byron area.

“It’s mostly people riding long boards who seem to be having a love affair with times past, but we also used to drive without seat belts and there were many fatalities,” Coorey said. “A couple of times I’ve actually grabbed kids to keep them out of the way of the board.”

The latest motion comes two months after pro surfer Matt Cassidy “nearly bled out on the beach and nearly lost my arm when someone dropped in one me out two-foot Wategos without a legrope. After an hour on the beach being held together by some absolutely legendary humans I was rushed via ambulance then helicopter to GC where I’m currently awaiting specialist advice.”

You don’t have to trawl too far into the BeachGrit archives to examine the ongoing debate about leashless longboarders in Byron Bay. 

Six months back, an aged care worker and mother of a disabled kid was crippled after she got belted by an out-of-control surf pilot who then criticised her for damaging his board with her bone and tissue. 

“The Pass is full of kids, and I think there have been four incidents outside of mine in the last month or so,” Matt Cassidy told ABC from hospital. “How do you look your wife in the eye if you’ve knocked a kid out just because you didn’t want to wear a legrope?”

"The leg is sixteen inches long, short enough to exhibit the musculature of your surf-honed quadriceps, but not so short as to invite indiscretion."

In one of our better collaborations, BeachGrit has joined paws with Bondi surf company The Critical Slide Society to produce a pair of surf trunks critics say are “ambitious, beautifully made and stunning.” 

This pair of trunks, which you can examine here and below, feature a custom-made badge from iconic Australian artist Paul McNeil showcasing the founders’ ethos, “I Don’t Need Life I’m High” and with Eric Stoltz’s “Stoner Bud” from Fast Time at Ridgemont High representing BeachGrit’s spirit animal. 

The Critical Slide Society, of course, are intelligent and intuitive designers who make clothes surfers really, really want to wear.

Made from high-quality nylon, and produced only in black, these trunks will absorb most unpleasant odours and staining and therefore can be, must be, worn at all times. 

The leg is sixteen inches long, short enough to exhibit the musculature of your surf-honed quadriceps, but not so short as to invite indiscretion. A lean silhouette, naturally. 

Extremely limited quantities as per the Supreme model so, by the time you read this, most of the decent sorta sizes will be gobbled up, but do have a swing. 

Roughly sixty American dollars, plus some sort of freight charge.