Slater (pictured) practicing for his golden years?
Slater (pictured) practicing for his golden years?

Undercover reporter at North Shore’s iconic Turtle Bay reveals surfer who has won “multiple world surfing championships” working as bellman in wild expose!

Kelly Slater? Is that you?

The eyes of the surfing world are, currently, cast toward Torquay, Australia and its notable Bells Beach. Yes, the “world’s oldest surf contest” is scheduled to kick off any moment now with a forecast so… unchill that those professionals dancing around the mid-season cut line should be rightly terrified. Yes, they will be forced to dance for their lives in “jumbled” waves with “unfavorable” wind.


It will be the fourth event in a row with very poor conditions but at least the first two were on Oahu’s North Shore with its haupia pie, Spam musubi, Turtle Bay resort filling in the long hours between Jessi Miley-Dyer calling the day’s competition off again.

But when was the last time you actually stayed at Turtle Bay? For me it has nearly been a decade but I have the fondest memories of that brutalist hulk perched upon those emerald mini-cliffs. The poolside mai tai is second to none and I’ve never had finer escargot than I’ve had at Lei Lei’s, no not even in France.

Well, apparently the hotel features much more as revealed by a Bloomberg reporter who went undercover in various jobs in order to expose mighty “White Lotus-esque” secrets.

The naughty bits are, in truth, relatively tame. European women sunbathing topess on the beach, chubby diners nipping extra eggs Benedict from the buffet and taking it to their rooms, honeymooners getting into lobby fights, influencers stealing golf cars and crashing them for the likes, etc. but one revelation shocked me to the core.

Namely, when working as a bellman, the sleuth made known that surfing was “a big priority for many on staff” and that one of the other bellman “has won multiple world surfing championships.”

Has won.

As in not necessarily finished winning.

And whoa.

For we all know one Kelly Slater, currently at Bells, is below that mid-season cut line. We all know that the next event, Margaret River, could very well mark the end of the winningest-ever surfer’s gilded career. We all also know that Slater lives part-time on the North Shore where he enjoys renting one of his homes for $36,000 a month. And, lastly, we also all know that the 11x world surfing champion is notoriously cheap, never picking up tabs etc.

Might it be that Slater is preparing for the end, moonlighting a few weekly hours at Turtle Bay in order to cash in on employee discounts for rounds of golf and/or Lei Lei’s?

Stranger things have, certainly, happened.

See: Armie Hammer selling timeshares.

Artist's impression of the new Perth tank, which is to be built in a wretched suburb called Jandakot, and, inset, Leo DeCaprio, from the movie Django.

New $100 million Perth wavepool slammed as a “depraved paradise” and a sign of Western Australia’s “gutted soul” in wild rant by prestigious news outlet!

"A wave pool at the arse end of the earth is a fitting folly to kick off the boom’s next era, which exists somewhere between a nang’s headrush and a meth comedown."

If you call yourself a surfer and live in Perth, as I once did in a terrible long ago epoch, you’ll be counting the seven hundred or so days until Andrew Ross’ Wavegarden kicks into life in a bleak part of that wretched town called Jandakot.

Ross, whom you’ll remember as the driver behind the Tullamarine tank, has endured innumerable setbacks to get the tank built in his hometown.

But…he got it done.

The tank set-up looks pretty wild, elevated walkways around the pool, caravans around the perimeter mimicking Slater’s set-up at Surf Ranch and a low-rise building which may or may not have been designed by an architect overlooking the familiar wedge-shaped pool.

Very hard to argue with if you’ve ever tried to surf the all but waveless Perth coast.

But in a wild rant for Crikey, an independent online news outlet usually focussed on politics, the joint has been described by Patrick Marlborough, a comedian whose written for left-wing tribunes Vice and The Guardian, as a “depraved paradise” in a state with a “gutted soul.”

Perth, y’see, has been awash in mining riches for so long it’s created “a unique greed that necessitated a unique stupidity…Nothing has embodied this stupidity like the $100 million Perth Surf Park as proposed by Aventuur… But what might pass as exceptional elsewhere seems more like the rule here… The park is set to be the largest in the southern hemisphere, with 150-metre-long waves and the potential for something called “beast mode” surf, the beasts from which might compensate for the black cockatoo habitat that will be destroyed in the park’s construction.”

Marlborough takes exception that Perth, which is rimmed by pretty white sand beaches, needs a tank.

“There is something mordantly comical about building a wave park in a place globally renowned for its pristine beaches and choice surfing spots. Of course, not everyone can access said beaches, such as those in our far-flung satellite suburbs, a reflection of the idiocy of our urban planning, the underfunding of public transport and public spaces, and the steady erosion of community and culture via the vast alien mindstate spawned by the atomisation of people sprawled across the state like butter over too much bread.

“A wave pool at the arse end of the earth is a fitting folly to kick off the boom’s next era, which exists somewhere between a nang’s headrush and a meth comedown. The burnout from the unshakable churn of the mining industry and the Remora businesses (and governments) that live off its scraps is embedded into the very operation of the city and the state, a kind of bone-tired wariness that’s meant to carry us beyond a finish line that’s always being moved back — no backdowns, no break rooms.”

I sure don’t agree, but kid’s anger and dexterity on the keys must be applauded.

Shakira's surf fans (left) causing stress.
Shakira's surf fans (left) causing stress.

Spanish football star Gerard Piqué skewers chanteuse Shakira’s Latin American surf fans in explosive new interview: “You can’t imagine the comments I’ve gotten on social media. Millions of barbarities!”

Rage against the Brazilian Storm.

There have been many extremely sad breakups this year, ones that left surfer cheeks tearstained but, also, hope flickering in heart. Who could forget the demise of Giselle Bündchen and Tom Brady? The Brazilian supermodel and her handsome quarterback beau formed the very ideal until, overnight, they called it quits. Of course candles were lit for a Bündchen and Kelly Slater reunion, though those have seemed to have burned low.

Then there was Shakira and Gerard Piqué. The Colombian chanteuse and her Spanish footballer were married for around the same time as Bündchen and Brady, cutting an international figure of the aforementioned ideal, but they too fell under the bomb.

As a way of dealing with the demise, Shakira went surfing. Oh, our lifestyle choice was not new to her. She had spent much time on a surfboard out at sea but her earnest embrace, in order to soothe a broken heart, was something we all understood.

Piqué, for his part, has remained mostly silent and surf-free, though sat down with Romero for an interview wherein he described the jolt of rage coming from Shakira’s many surf fans.

“In the beginning, it was bad and it reached a point where if I had let things get to me, I would have thrown myself off a cliff,” he said of their comments. “For example, my ex is Latin American … you can’t imagine [the comments] I’ve gotten on social media from her fans. Millions of barbarities! But I don’t care about any of it. Honestly, not at all because I don’t know them. These people have no lives and why should I care? I’ll never meet them, they’re robots, you know?”

The FC Barcelona back has clearly never heard of the Brazilian Storm nor been bashed by their fans. As one who has, I have to think his calling them “barbarities,” saying they have no lives and describing them as robots will certainly not go over well.

Likely many more comments on his various feeds.

“World SHAME Piqué” etc.

More as the story develops.

Open Thread: Comment Live, Day One of the Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach where surf fans are locked into a glass cage of emotion!

The mid-season cut loometh!

Surfline (right) explaining to World Surf League (left) why it just isn't working anymore.
Surfline (right) explaining to World Surf League (left) why it just isn't working anymore.

World Surf League receives third devastating forecast in a row from onetime “toxic positivity” partner Surfline ahead of Rip Curl Pro Bells Beach!

"Jumbled surf and unfavorable wind."

The third stop on the World Surf League Championship Tour allegedly kicks off in mere hours though surf fans, around the globe, are in no way encouraged to drop what they’re doing, call in sick for work, update internet service provider, no. For the third time in a row, the forecast has been labeled “dog shit” by the League’s official partner Surfline.

The just-released “brief overview” reads:

TUES 4th: Modest yet fun surf, clean in AM – Possible run for at least AM
WED 5th: Smaller surf and with onshore wind – likely off
THURS 6th: New/modest swell but wind problematic – Possible run for at least AM
FRI 7th: Smaller, easing surf but clean – Possible run for at least AM
SAT/SUN 8th-9th: Possible rise of jumbled surf and unfavorable wind — likely off

“Modest yet fun” being the best Surfline could conjure.

“Problematic” and “unfavorable” carrying the day.

But what could have happened between a relationship once crowned with absurd positive fantasy? A marriage based upon seeing the brighter side and by “brighter side” I mean an absurd positive fantasy?

Surf fans clearly remember even just last year, and the years before, wherein  Surfline would praise whatever the forecast was using the fruitiest of nonsense. Two-foot and dumping became ten-foot and reeling. Flat became rippable.


Jumbled surf and unfavorable wind is merely jumbled surf and unfavorable wind but how did the union between World Surf League and Surfline officials sour so… publicly?

Did the forecasters, themselves, push back as their good names became synonymous with Erik “Flimflam” Logan?

Did the Surfline brass realize that the momentum is not, in fact, real?

Questions we can bandy about as we tune in to modest surf in mere hours, I suppose.