Days before Surf Ranch Pro kick-off, World Surf League introduces wild night surfing session allowing losers one more shot at glory!

What will Santa Monica dream up next?

The Surf Ranch Pro swings its gates wide in less than ten days and are you excited? Setting time aside to watch the world’s best attack the mechanical right, and left, with well-timed snaps before crouching in a mini-barrel and exiting to light cheers from otherwise confused industrial farmers?

Clearing the schedule of all but the most pressing concerns?

In truth, the event, which happens to be number six on the Championship Tour, is not a favorite. The fans don’t like it as evidenced by drastic cuts in ticket prices year over year. The surfers hate it as revealed by surfers saying they hate it. And Bailey Ladders, the World Surf League’s greatest and most faithful partner, has opted not to participate.

And yet, the aforementioned World Surf League pushes on, re-introducing it as a stop over many loud complaints, attempting to juice the affair with a patented combination of PositiveSpeak™ and last minute format changes.

This year, surfers who find themselves second or third in their four man heat will be forced to compete “under the lights” for a chance to move on but don’t take my word for it. Let’s all turn our attention to Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer.

And I suppose that I was wrong in suggesting that nobody likes events at the tub. Retired Australian stand-out Owen Wright commented “siick.”

Commentator Joe Turpel deposited a light brown shaka emoji.

Strap on and get ready.

I mean in.

“It’s always a positive for the surf industry at large when one of the world’s top brands gets involved with a surf company,” says Paul Naude, Vissla's daddy. “It endorses our efforts when these types of collaborations take place.”

French fashion house Dior partners with Californian surf brand Vissla for world’s first five-thousand dollar wetsuit!

"The Diorivage motif celebrates the bewitching beauty of the aquatic world through an underwater snapshot."

Our dear friends at the Californian surf brand Vissla, you’ll remember our sell-out backward fins collection with ’em from a few years back, have become the official wetsuit partner of French fashion house Dior.

Dior, very famous, very high end, thousand dollar jeans, couple of gees for Chelsea boots etc. Even your ol pal DR got seduced into a few Hedi Slimane pieces back in the slim-fitting days circa 2006 when a skinny boy could shine in a crowd with a few well-curated pieces.

For five-thousand-and-four-hundred Australian dollars or $4100 for the jacket you can adorn yourself in a wetsuit that, and we’ll defer to the suit’s description here,

“…combines innovation, couture spirit and respect for the environment. Part of the Beach Capsule collection, the Diorivage motif celebrates the bewitching beauty of the aquatic world through an underwater snapshot. Crafted from eco-sourced neoprene made from limestone, the wetsuit offers superior comfort, elasticity and heat retention, while guaranteeing a limited ecological impact thanks to its composition that combines innovative and upcycled materials. The jersey panels are knit from polyester thread created from upcycled plastic bottles and the elastane used comes from fabric waste. Thermal jacquard lining featuring the CD Diamond motif offers additional insulation and is crafted from both upcycled polyester fibers and solution-dyed polyester*. Thanks to its hybrid system and U-shaped zip closure on the chest, the wetsuit is optimally waterproof while guaranteeing a high capacity for movement. Specially designed for colder waters, this high-end wetsuit is a true example of Dior and Vissla’s commitment to respecting the environment and oceans, and it can be used along with the Beach Capsule surfboard and accessories.”

“What’s really interesting about it is the level of detail that those couture brands put into product,” says Vissla’s founder and daddy Paul Naude. “It’s really staggering and was a great learning curve.”

Want the matching sunglasses? Or thousand-dollar boxer shorts?

Buy here! 


Surfers, talking story.

A rebuttal to WSL tour correspondent JP Currie’s famous refrain, “Better to burn all weekend like a flare than fizzle like a damp sparkler in a crumbling, onshore rivermouth”

"Surfing only has its 'heroin cool' factor if you keep pushing yourself. Otherwise it’s as domesticated as the gym."

To all the sad sacks of BeachGrit: if you’re saying surfing isn’t core anymore, that’s ‘cause you’re not core anymore.

Surf scribe JP Currie wrote a piece of “quit lit” a few years ago that annoyed me so much I remember it three years later.

After abandoning his family to go surfing for the weekend, he got skunked, concluding that it would have been more fun to get pissed with his mates.

Some of my favourite lines included: “Better to burn all weekend like a flare than fizzle like a damp sparkler in a crumbling, onshore rivermouth” and “Not worth putting on the sodding wetsuit.”

Plus: “Can’t remember any turns. Whole weekend gone.”

That’s got to hurt.

But, here’s the thing, JP: surf trips aren’t about doing turns. They’re about getting pissed with your mates.

Here’s some friendly advice from an Australian with no experience of Scottish winters, living inland or maintaining surf buds into middle age: find someone who is even more stoked on surfing than you are to trip with (and go surf some slabs, before you’re too old to try).

Before you call me out for being a hypocrite, I also struggle with shit weather. And I can take your story of having to go to bed in your van at seven (“Nowt else to do this far from home, at this time of year” – my god the bitterness) and trump it.

Over Easter, I had to go to bed in my tent at 5:30pm because of a storm (there was nothing else to do but sit in the car or watch my awning get railed by the wind). Although I will admit, I got fun waves the next morning.

Yes, this whole piece is a low-key brag that for once I got some waves

What I’m trying to say is you need to get good waves.

I also struggle with motivation as my best mate has stopped caring about surfing. But I’ve kept the stoke by surfing with different people (found one dude with a mad Jetski/Toyota Camry set up) and by doing more solo road trips.

I’m still a giant kook, but it’s way more fun, and the people are way friendlier because the element of danger (and wildlife) means there’s a sense that you’re all in it together.

Back to you: there are heaps of slabs in Scotland and, unless I am very much mistaken, when Mason Ho was there surfing them you made some feeble excuse about being in a “COVID afflicted pedagogy” (whatever that means) as to why you weren’t getting amongst it.

I’m not sure sure what “pedagogy” means, but for now I’ll take it as: “I am scared of waves over three feet.”

If Torren Martyn can do it on a mid-length, surely you can do it on a step up?

Or if big waves aren’t your dram, that right hander Mason Ho surfed. I’ve seen steeper takeoffs at Malibu.

You could literally surf this on a foamie.

Oh and: pics or it didn’t happen.

Yours insincerely,


PS:  If your rebuttal has anything to do with the risks of violent personal injury, I refuse to accept it. I’ve surfed heaps of slabs (admittedly always on small days) and never got hurt. Nearly broke my neck though surfing my local beachie as I aggressively claimed a low-tide closeout from a friendly backpacker and caught my outside rail.

PPS: From the Longtom Trainspotting Department (choose Surfing, not Life!), surfing only has its “heroin cool” factor if you keep pushing yourself. Otherwise it’s just as domesticated as the gym.

If you keep surfing the same beachbreak with the same fuckwits and the same board (and I admit I am coming at this from a very Sydney perspective; your local might not even be a beach), you’re bound to be tempted to give up surfing.

For me it’s those rare adrenalin sessions that make me remember why I surf. And the good thing about surfing is, if you don’t die doing it, it won’t kill you! It might even make you live longer (albeit deaf and with pterygiums). And unless you’re surfing Jaws, or you’re old and have a heart attack or something, that’s pretty unlikely, I think?

Anyway, I’m sure you don’t care what I think, but thought I’d lay you the challenge, as seeing footage of you going over the falls on some kind of Scottish Scalpel would give me an entertaining five seconds on my next lunchbreak phone scroll.

Kelly was particularly moved by the mysterious and special relationship between the moon and sea turtle. Turtles have 13 large scales that represent the 13 lunar cycles in each year and 28 smaller scales that represent the days in each cycle.

Kelly Slater launches “sustainable and performance driven” footwear brand inspired “by the mysterious and special relationship between the moon and sea turtle”!

“The top sole mirrors the moon’s surface while the bottom represents turtle scales.”

Not a dry eye in the house, as they say, after the embargo lifted on the press release for Kelly Slater’s latest biz venture, what the champ describes as a “sustainable and performance driven” footwear brand. 

Called Klly, and unfairly lambasted by Chas Smith earlier today, Slater has “discovered a niche in the in the footwear industry” with a sandal that “can stand up to the rigors of daily wear and outdoor adventures and at the same time, helps to reduce the environmental impact of the fashion industry.”


“The first item to hit the market is the sandal, influenced by Slater’s renowned surfing career. Inspired by the relationship between the moon and the ocean, the sandal is made using recycled material, uses BLOOM technology (derived from algae), and provides a high level of cushioning, durability, responsiveness and water resistance.

“For the design of the sandal, Kelly was particularly moved by the mysterious and special relationship between the moon and sea turtle. Turtles have 13 large scales that represent the 13 lunar cycles in each year and 28 smaller scales that represent the days in each cycle. As a tribute to these coexisting forces, Kelly designed the top of the sandal to mirror the moon’s surface while the bottom sole represents the turtle’s scales. Additional styles and sizing are set to release later this year.”

Here’s the link for the website although it ain’t open for biz yet.

Sign up, see if y’hear anything.

World’s worst entrepreneur Kelly Slater teases surf fans with cryptic new “KLLY” brand!

A great mystery.

Kelly Slater’s bonafides as a professional surfer are beyond any sort of dispute. The 51-year-old Floridian is an 11x World Champion, holds multiple Pipeline Masters, one Pro Pipeline, Eddie king, current holder of an exclusive whole season wildcard etc. and many bravos to him. Best to ever do it et. al.

The GOAT’s out-of-water exploits, however, have not gone as wonderfully. Oh sure, he has dated Pamela Anderson, Cameron Diaz and Giselle Bündchen, but married none. Business-wise, it has been a very similar misfire.




Slater Designs.


Never undeterred, though, the surf great continues throwing proverbial darts at the board. His latest offering? The cryptically dropped KLLY.

Well what on earth could it possibly be?

What in space, more to the point re. branding?

A rocket company to rival Jeff Bezos and Elon Musk?

Something that would be even more of a failure?

Excited to see.