Florence, for his part, looks more and more like Dane Reynolds on Tour every day. He just won’t compromise his surfing to fit heats. He wants to annihilate every section, and there’s true beauty in this violence, but there’s also dejectedness when the waves and heats don’t present opportunity. It makes Florence seem out of his element. And if we wonder why he’s here, he must too. Judges threw him an 8.43 as a carrot in his elimination heat. The only score above eight for the entire round, in fact, but it wasn’t enough to swing the heat, and it would’ve been a travesty if it had.

A “dejected” John John Florence, last place at Surf City El Salvador Pro, looking “more and more like Dane Reynolds every day”!

"He won’t compromise his surfing to fit heats. He wants to annihilate every section, and there’s true beauty in this violence, but there’s also dejectedness when the waves and heats don’t present opportunity."

A mark of a man is how he performs under pressure. If you’re highly skilled in your field, an expert in your craft, or just damn good at your job, you should welcome scrutiny. It’s an opportunity to show you know your onions and silence your detractors.

This was the situation facing WSL judges today. They had the chance to prove Logan’s claim that they were “elite professionals” and hopefully dampen the controversies in the wake of Surf Ranch.

Instead, they shat the bed. Or at least soiled it heavily.

During heat one, Pete Mel read the judging criteria. It had been disseminated via text to all the surfers, they assured us. In typical WSL style, it was a clear response to recent controversy, but without actually acknowledging it.

The criteria, however, seemed once again like the judges were looking for…everything.

Despite this, Mel and co latched onto the bit that said “progressive and innovative manoeuvres and airs”. Was it mandated for the commentary team to emphasise this? We’ll never know.

Despite acknowledging this criteria in some of the early heats (Toledo was well rewarded for airs mediocre by his standards) some of the highest scores of the day went to Connor O’Leary and Leo Fiorovanti for bog standard top to bottom surfing.

It was a nervy day of scoring. Rather than solidify the application of their criteria, judges appeared more panicky than ever. Scores above eight were a rare bird. As such they became mashed into the five to seven range with little distinction between what our eyes told us were quite distinct approaches to waves.

The wave quality and consistency deteriorated through the day but looked deliciously fun as Kelly Slater, Ethan Ewing and Matt McGilivray took to the water for the first heat.

Slater’s presence remains confusing. What does he have to gain by surfing here in El Salvador? If it’s not mathematically impossible for him to reach the top five, it must be damn near. He can’t win here, neither Rio. J-Bay seems almost impossible, with Teahupo’o the sole glimpse of hope.

Does he feel awkward about the wildcard rules being altered to accommodate him? Does he feel so embarrassed being gifted a slot that he’ll make the trips to El Salvador and Rio, just so he can justify Tahiti?

Chris Cote reported from the Red Bull athlete zone early today. It was like a library, he told us in hushed tones. Surfers were studying the waves, trying to learn something from the early scoring. Then he drifted away like a fart in a library.

Kaipo’s phrase of the day was “exaggerated fundamentals”. He applied it to Robson and O’Leary, and anyone else he wasn’t entirely sure could do an air.

And while I’m on the commentary, Mitchell Salaazar has the demeanour of a man who’s been taken out for a picnic and couldn’t find his way back to the bus. I suppose we can’t blame him for cheery gormlessness, but we do have a right to question the things he says. Listen carefully, you’ll hear some quite stunning inanity.

“There’s nothing welcoming about this wave!” he exclaimed in a hideously incorrect segue to something Cote had said.

“If he gets into the top five we could have our first European world champion!” he said of Leo Fiorovanti.

“He’s a very methodical surfer on his backhand,” he informed us about Ryan Callinan as we watched a replay of him go upside down, back to front through the lip in a manner anything but methodical.

I stopped noting them down after a while, and just guffawed quietly to myself.

And I do object to a broadcast that feels like an advert for a board of tourism, but I suppose we should be used to it by now. WSL event locations are often predicated on who’s prepared to pay them the most.

Bryan Perez was the collateral damage of this full-pronged attack to convince us that El Salvador is the greatest surfing country on earth. One of the hapless commentators even suggested there could be an “El Salvador Storm” led by Bryan Perez. If there’s a hidden depth of talent in El Salvador I haven’t noticed (or if Bryan Perez is aging in reverse) I’ll make my apologies now, but I just can’t see it.

To be fair to Perez, despite not being quite the superstar the broadcast would have us believe, he gave a good account of himself. His fifteen point-something heat total for the opening round was solid but not enough to trouble the yellow jersey of Griffin Colapinto. I thought he should’ve won the elimination heat against Chianca with a potential buzzer beater that included two reverses. He needed a mid-seven, and if the judges understood their own criteria, they really should’ve given him it.

The scores awarded seemed to increase as the opening round progressed. This was not, as suggested, the judge’s response to the innovation and progression of manoeuvres, but rather a default to over-scoring fundamental surfing.

They lost their shit entirely when they gave Fiorovanti a nine.

Amongst all the progression, all the innovation, all the flow and power and risk surfers peacocked in front of the judges all day, it was simply Fiorovanti with some nice turns that elicited the highest score of the day.

I want to feel affinity towards Leo as the lone European on Tour, but I just can’t. He’s all frantic elbows and twitching to me. But these facts notwithstanding, I still can’t see the score, not in context of the day.

Medina couldn’t buy an eight. He was poor in his opening heat against Italo and Liam O’Brien, his paltry heat total of 7.17 highly uncharacteristic, but marking some inconsistency in the conditions.

By contrast, he looked great in eliminating Slater. His scoring waves of 7.5 and 5.7 by rights, should have been a mid-eight and a high seven. I’m sure this seems nitpicky, but in the context of the day it stood out.

God knows why poor Rio Waida was so low balled in his elimination heat against Florence. He won, so he won’t be worried, but his scoring waves looked a point higher each. He showed variety in every turn, has speed to burn, flow throughout, and the ability to throw risky, technical airs. Is that not the criteria? I can only presume his slightness works against him, but it would be an error to call him light-footed.

Florence, for his part, looks more and more like Dane Reynolds on Tour every day. He just won’t compromise his surfing to fit heats. He wants to annihilate every section, and there’s true beauty in this violence, but there’s also dejectedness when the waves and heats don’t present opportunity. It makes Florence seem out of his element. And if we wonder why he’s here, he must too.

Judges threw him an 8.43 as a carrot in his elimination heat. The only score above eight for the entire round, in fact, but it wasn’t enough to swing the heat, and it would’ve been a travesty if it had.

Jack Robinson was the other high profile name eliminated today, despite looking full of verve and promise, his status as a top five surfer suddenly looks precarious.

After missing Margaret River with a knee injury and an early exit from Surf Ranch, he opened today surfing like a man possessed. He was the better surfer in his opening heat, despite losing to O’Leary. And I happen to think he beat Ian Gentil in his elimination heat. On another day, these scores fall for him, but not today.

Instead of clarity in the judging, today I felt more confused than ever.

Hard to pick a winner of this one in the face of such erratic scoring. Colapinto and Toledo would seem like the safe bets, but “exaggerated fundamentals” might be the flavour of the moment.

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John John, turn of the day, main photo, Jackie Robinson as a little boy, top inset, and Kelly Slater as James Dean, below.

Carnage in El Salvador as surfing’s biggest names Kelly Slater, Jack Robinson and John John Florence all eliminated in opening day bloodbath!

Leo Fioravanti, lean and slim like a rodent, had an extraordinary encounter, scoring both highest single wave and heat total for the day.

In glassy as hell three-foot rollers, attack dog tits in the channel working tirelessly to stack adjective upon adjective, Kelly Slater, Jack Robinson, Jody Smith and John John Florence were all eliminated on opening day of the Surf City El Salvador Pro.

The morning was prised open by the energetic prose of Kelly Slater, still magnificent in his fifty-second year, who fell to the flavour du jour Ethan Ewing by a few points, though his surfing was enough to hold even the most fast-dimming attention.

Later in the afternoon, Slater’s Central American dream was crushed by Gabriel Medina who was enjoying an uncharacteristic run in the elimination round.

Jackie Robinson, who until a few weeks ago was a world title favourite, lost an opening round to Connor O’Leary and was subsequently eliminated by Hawaii’s Ian Gentil.

Jordy, heading rocket-like to middle age, lost a wildly tight opening round to Joao Chiance and Seth Moniz before being forced to kiss the heel of Caio Ibelli’s jackboot in their sudden death heat.

John John Florence, who has more self-confidence in his breast than any other surf, sleepwalked through the opening round and it was only the spectre of winning his elimination heat against Rio Waida with a ten that made him reluctantly unsheathe his shining blade with a layback that showed his vital energy.

Current world number Griffin Colapinto was unfazed by Brazilian surf histrionics concerning his Surf Ranch Pro win and dominated his opening round; Leo Fioravanti, lean and slim like a rodent, had an extraordinary encounter, scoring both highest single wave and heat total for the day.

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Kelly Slater staggers culture watchers as surf great appears to become official ambassador for lesbian-unfriendly El Salvador as Pride Month rolls into second week!

"The government has really put an emphasis on surfing (and bitcoin!) here."

The world’s best surfers are currently enjoying some of the world’s good enough waves, this time in Central America’s El Salvador where the World Surf League finds itself for stop seven. The sun is shining brightly, Chris Cote and Mitchel Salazar are taking turns talking and everyone looks like they are enjoying themselves. Everyone, that is, save the World Surf League’s Chief Executive Officer, Erik Logan, and its Chief of Sport, Jessi Miley-Dyer, who are noticeably absent.

Troubling.

But where do you think the two are hiding? What do you image they are doing? Is their refusal to show face a sign of timidity in light of Brazilian death threats or is it a brave stand in not supporting a right-leaning country which Human Rights Watch declares there is “no safe haven for LGBT people” and further reports state it particularly lesbian-unfriendly.

This is, after all, Pride Month.

Well, while culture watchers were trying to sort out if the WSL twin chiefs are chicken or gallant, Kelly Slater bomped them right on the head with an apparent official endorsement of the country. So official that the staggered are wondering if the eleven-time World Champion is an ambassador.

“Really enjoying #ElSalvador and learning a new place that hasn’t ever been on my travel itinerary,” Slater wrote. “The government has really put an emphasis on surfing (and bitcoin!) here. Good to see our life and work bruns such a positive thing these days. It’s a far cry from when I started as a pro surfer.”

The hashtagging of #ElSalvador a usually clear sign of paid endorsement.

Do you think the country’s lesbians feel all the bruns of positive things these days?

Does Slater’s very public endorsement signal that he might take some side hustle citizenship and ride for El Salvador in the upcoming Paris Olympics which will hold its surfing portion in Tahiti?

Exciting days.

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Internet burns to ground after evidence of Shakira and Lewis Hamilton on “surf date” goes viral!

Fun and flirty.

Glory be, long-suffering surf fans, glory be. We have been wandering in this desert for so long. So very long. Coming home each night to light candles in our windowsills, waking each morning to find them burnt to stubs before we wander again. Looking for love in all the wrong places. Remember how when news broke that Gisele Bündchen and Tom Brady were breaking up and we imagined a reuniting with Kelly Slater and then surfing would have its first glamor couple since the Brazilian supermodel and 11x World Champion broke up the first time around?

Alas, the weeks passed with nothing then months with Bündchen making some rumors with a jiujitsu instructor and Slater continuing along with his Chinese girlfriend.

While we were waiting, though, Shakira and her soccer playing stud Girard Pique split and the Colombian chanteuse, who has long dabbled in our favorite pastime, proceeded to mend her broken heart by going on a surf vacation. While Shakira and Slater seemed a long shot, the hit maker went to Miami for F1 and was briefly linked to Tom Cruise, a pairing that could have been claimed by us thanks to maritime law.

Well, those appeared to be just rumors too but all good things come to those who wait? For the internet is currently burning to the ground with images of an apparent “surf date” between Shakira and Lewis Hamilton currently going viral.

Shakira and Lewis Hamilton?

Bingo.

The British racer is, also, smitten with surfing, having enjoyed Kelly Slater’s Surf Ranch many times and has publicly praised the Pro Pipeline, writing, “He probably doesn’t know this but Kelly changed my life for the better. I want you all to know how great of a human being this man is. I am forever grateful for the time you have given me, for the insight and your passion for the waves. Thank you @kellyslater! Can’t wait until we can hit the waves again (praying hands emoji).”

Powerful.

And a Shakira x Hamilton duo would certainly be the moment we’ve been waiting for.

According to People Magazine:

“After a series of public outings, a source tells PEOPLE that the singer and Formula One driver are keeping things “fun and flirty.”

“They’re spending time together and in the ‘getting to know you’ stage,” says a source who knows them both. “It’s fun and flirty.”

Fun and flirty.

The only cloud that may darken this horizon is Slater and his issues with not being in the spotlight. You recall that it took the 51-year-old over eight years to apologize to Brazil’s Adriano de Souza for shading him badly, Slater finally declaring, “Maybe we should’ve waited a week to sorta be politically correct or respectful enough to Adriano… I don’t think any of us foresaw how viral the thing was going to be. We knew people were going to be, ‘Oh that’s super cool.’ But we didn’t know it was going to take on a life of its own.”

Politically correct.

In any case, how excited are you about Shakira and Hamilton? Will you throw a party to celebrate and invite all your friends?

Me too.

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Comment live: Surf City El Salvador Pro, “You let them close down the universities, you let them kill whoever they want, you let them do it all because they aren’t Commies! And that, Colonel, is bull shit!”

Who you got? Dreamy little point runners!

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