"What are you gonna do about it?"

What happened to the World Surf League’s much ballyhooed partnership with Apple Watch? Just months ago, the new technology was front and center, a beacon of massive synergies and vectors and success. “The momentum of the Championship Tour, the World Surf League and professional surfing is real,” Chief Executive Officer Erik Logan proudly declared. Chief of Sport Jessi Miley-Dyer made a nice Instagram post showing how it worked and pretty.

Well, things got off to a bit of a rocky start. Italian star Leonardo Fioravanti took to the airwaves after the Pro Pipeline contest and declared, “And, I just want to say our fricken watches weren’t working and that’s pretty heavy, like my watch wasn’t working. Nothing to take away from Apple or the WSL, what they’re doing is great, they’re trying to bring in some technology to our world, but if my watch doesn’t work from start to finish and I gotta ask for time. I’ve been used to having the time on me at all times in heats, we’re fighting for our careers. So, I hope they figure it out ‘cause my watch didn’t work from start to finish. And that’s pretty heavy.”

He was, of course, heavily fined for placing himself above “the integrity of the sport.”

Brazil’s Caio Ibelli complained that the watch didn’t tell time. Hawaii’s Carissa Moore refused to wear and then… nothing.

No “Let’s throw it down to Strider to see what’s who has Apple priority.” No “Kaipo, what do you see there from your Apple?”

Nothing.

It must be assumed that the relationship is intact but even that is now in doubt as Kelly Slater was filmed after bowing out of the still-running El Salvador Pro flaunting an all-to-obvious Shark Watch.

Like, the Sharkest Shark Watch ever, colorway-wise.

Will he cop a punishment or prove, once again, that he is the exception to every World Surf League rule?

Like when the entire book was changed to accommodate him forever?

Where’s Erik Logan?

Popcorn ready.

Five, or such, months ago, surfer hearts around the world were warmed all toasty when The Eddie was won by a working lifeguard. Surfing’s most prestigious contest had not run in eight years at the hallowed Waimea Bay and fans were dying for it, breaking into lusty sobs when it was greenlit, crowding around various iPhone and MacBooks or, if lucky, wedging their automobiles into Kamehameha gridlock.

There were great storylines even before the hooter sounded, like former Eddie champ Kelly Slater gifting his slot to local standout Chris Owens in an act of blazing love, and there were phenomenal performances after the hooter sounded as the waves lived up to expectation. A veritable who’s who paddling their iconic guns, pitching themselves into history.

And yet the most unlikely hero of all emerged victorious at the end of the day.

“In building twenty-to-thirty-foot surf, Luke Shepardson, twenty-seven, who started the morning by clocking in to his gig as a North Shore lifeguard, took a few hours off work and by day’s end had beaten the most stacked field in the event’s history,” Derek Rielly wrote in the near aftermath. “Apart from defending champ John John Florence, who finished second, Shepardson outsurfed big-wave world champs Makua Rothman and Billy Kemper, both surprise competitors after suffering injuries at the Backdoor Shootout, Kai Lenny, Zeke Lau, Grant Baker, Ross Clarke-Jones and so on.”

A blue collar hero was born.

Shepardson did the rounds in the following weeks, appearing on surf-centric podcasts and what not, and then surf fans’ attention turned to other matters. The World Surf League securing a ladder sponsorship, for example.

The World Surf League CEO turning abusive, lashing out then disappearing.

The aforementioned Kelly Slater flaunting World Surf League rules and wearing a Shark Watch instead of the mandated Apple one (more soon).

But cream always rises and our hero has made a triumphant return in the form of an exhaustive GQ profile out just hours ago. “Casual Luke Rides the Big Wave” is a multi-thousand word piece that explores not only the historic day but what led up to it. Shepardson working as an electrician in jail to support a small family, for example. His highs and lows.

It is essential reading but also an important step on the major motion picture about his life. I’d imagine Hollywood executives are waking up this morning, rubbing cocaine out of their eyes and perusing the wire for material. What could be better than Luke Shepardson?

Not much.

Except the story of a young water-fearing Oklahoman with a dream.

First, we must find him, though.

Erik? Erik Logan are you there?

Please don't stop the music...

What is your favorite DJ Khaled song? It’s a trick question! Each are works of pure art and impossible to rank. It would be like asking Megan Fox or Brian Austin Green “Who is your favorite daughter?” Futile and, frankly, rude. So you can understand the abundance of thoughts and prayers that came pouring in from all corners, yesterday, when it was revealed that the plus-sized music man was injured whilst riding an e-foil in in Miami.

Anyone who has ever dabbled knows that mastering an e-foil is… well, I guess not that difficult. I am not usually a quick study though was up and flying across a Wyoming lake on my very first attempt. A natural, maybe. There is an issue, I suppose, of finding the balance point. Too far forward and the nose dives into the water. Too far back and the thing shoots skyward, which is where we find dear DJ Khaled.

View this post on Instagram

A post shared by DJ KHALED (@djkhaled)

The manner in which he tumbles is particularly worrisome, as either the foil or the propeller could have removed his head from his torso. Deadly. Mercifully the damage only required a light massage.

Still debilitating.

Expert foiler Michael Schwab, anyhow, weighed in, writing, “You were attempting to e-foil, which is a lot harder than surfing, thank goodness you didn’t hit the foil! Hope you are back on the course asap!”

Oh. Is it? Well maybe I’m a sort of e-foil prodigy then.

The Kolohe Andino of still waters.

Very cool.

Back to DJ Khaled, though, light a candle for him today please.

Thank you.

"We hope the entire WSL community stands with us in rejecting all forms of harassment and intimidation."

The Surf City El Salvador Pro is one day away from concluding and this, I suppose, is how this iteration of professional surfing ends. A last gasp of crypto and ladder sponsorships. Tourism boards defining “the world’s best waves.” A 51-year-old former champion with stunningly little shame. A truly bizarre spectacle lorded over by a billionaire, run into the ground by an Oklahoman by way of Oprah.

Bye bye bye.

The World Surf League will soon be a historical footnote, the answer to a Jeopardy question about failed sporting enterprises in the 2000s, but not, I guess, before lashing out at its most “passionate” base.

Yes, it appears that Brazil’s surf fans have been deemed a public enemy, one that needs to be silenced, and, yesterday, the Portuguese language broadcast cut its “live chat” feature taking their voices like Ursula took that little mermaid’s.

But you have certainly noticed the scrolling conversation off to the side of the YouTube feed? Oh those who participate there are not nearly as charming as those on BeachGrit’s patented Open Thread but they do seem to enjoy challenging the judges, complimenting high performance maneuvers, making small talk.

Except they are no longer allowed to if their native tongue is Portuguese.

Why?

As you know, rage against the League exploded into open hostility at the Surf Ranch Pro wherein fans, mostly from Brazil, became incensed at what certainly seemed to be suspect judging in heats featuring Gabriel Medina and Italo Ferreira. The two, each former champions, took to Instagram in the aftermath seeking clarity and the furiosity amongst their many admirers grew.

After a few days of silence, the aforementioned Oklahoman, World Surf League CEO Erik Logan, released an open letter that had a tone “somewhere between a dictator and a domestic abuser” excoriating those who had raised their voices.

“I want to respond directly to those statements,” it began, “however, we first need to address a much more important issue. In recent days, a number of surfers, WSL judges, and employees have been subject to harassment, intimidation, and threats of violence, including death threats, as a direct result of those statements. Those things should never happen in our sport or any sport, and we’re devastated that members of our community have been subject to them. It is an important reminder to us all that words have consequences. We hope the entire WSL community stands with us in rejecting all forms of harassment and intimidation.”

Heavy and now, possibly as punishment for “harassment, intimidation and threats of violence,” Portuguese has been banned.

Though do you think the move will have its intended outcome? Unable to live comment to each other during the El Salvador Pro will Brazilian surf fans come to see the light that Australian or American surfers are more marketable in the United States and therefore receive more points per move or… not?

Did China’s lashing out at brave protestors in Tiananmen Square silence dissent in that country?

Oh.

I guess it did.