“Snarky dark hearted desperation in every joke attempt.” 

If it rains, it pours or so the expression goes. 

Just a few months after the reappearance of ultra-masculine surf great Chris Malloy on our feeds following many years in the wilderness, when he went after a daddy who was transitioning his toddler from boy through to gal, let’s just say Chris ain’t one for gender fluidity, the fifty year old is back with a new target, Cocaine Bear director and actor Elizabeth Banks. 

In 2017, Banks gave hell to Stevie Spielberg in a speech at Women in Film’s Crystal + Lucy Awards claiming he’d never had a female lead in all of his seventy or whatever films. 

Banks’ speech got short shrift from the audience with one guest yelling out, “The Color Purple”, a Spielberg film starring Whoopi Goldberg and Elo’s old pal Oprah Winfrey. 

Chris, as you know, is a former pro surfer, a climber of dangerous mountains and who makes fine documentaries and television commercials. He chews tobacco and had a childhood fantasy to become a saddle bronc rider until he saw a guy get gored in the groin and then bleed out. He ain’t exactly a slavish follower of progressive trends.

So when the speech resurfaced on Instagram yesterday, he dived head in.

 

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“This broad is always drunk and wrong,” wrote the fifty year old Central Californias. “Snarky dark hearted desperation in every joke attempt.” 

It’s a damning summation of the storied actor and director whom you may have fallen in love with following her role as Beth, “the sexually uninhibited bookstore clerk” in the 40-Year-Old Virgin, and admired for her directorial take on a bear hopped up on seventy-five pounds of lost cocaine. 

Chris Malloy, meanwhile, is a man of honour who left Hurley years back for Patagonia despite having to take a fifty percent payout. 

“How did I bring up the slack? For a while when I first got married and moved back to my home town I got my commercial fishing licence and also worked on a pack string hauling gear into the back country on horseback. I’d come home after two days smelling like horses or fish and always like beer and with 200 bucks to show for it.”

What a man, yes?

“Time to go back home.”

The three-time champion of the world Gabriel Medina, the boy with a mouth no longer ready for squalls and tantrums, has been flooded with condolences and tributes after a moving post on Instagram.

Medina, who turns thirty in December and two years off a divorce dissected in all its lurid details by media as well as an estrangement from his mammy and step-daddy, failed to make the top five and secure a spot on Finals Day.

When it looked like he might slide in via Ethan Ewing’s vacant spot, even his countryman Filipe Toledo turned against him telling a Brazilian media outlet,

“(Medina and co) surfed all year, they had 10 chances to win the points needed to be in the finals and they didn’t and then because of the other being third, 20,000 points ahead, he gets hurt and they still have a chance to enter. I don’t think it’s fair, I think that if you didn’t get the necessary score to play in the Finals, you don’t get to be there.”

After celebrating his premature season’s end with a vacation in a $2000-a-night over-the-water villa on Bora Bora with pals, Medina addressed his eleven-million followers,

It could have been one of the most important achievements of my life professionally speaking, but it wasn’t. And it turned out to be the roughest trip I’ve ever done in my LIFE.

Time to go back home

Many, or most, things will never be in our time. It was time to understand the process.. understand that sometimes gnt is part of other people’s process too. And this time I didn’t want to be selfish to think only of me. What if.. , but if I … , but… I did my best and prepared for that moment. This year was the most physical training in my career. So I came out calmly, and aware that I gave it all of me.

Job was done now got a spot here in Teahupoo. But I’ve already received so many waves that changed my life in this exact place.

For years and years, I have faith and believe in God’s plan It’s supposed to be that way. Tomorrow is another day

Choices, learnings and looking to evolve more and more

 

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Two weeks ago, you’ll remember, the Australian Jackie Robinson issued a grim warning to fragile world champ Toledo after he coolly steamrolled Medina in the final at Teahupoo, the winning scooping up the final Top Five pozzy.

Medina, now one of the most popular surfers on tour, with peers and fans, received almost two thousand comments wishing him further glories etc.

Wrote Julian Wilson, one-time title contender and sparring partner who once made Medina cry, “You had some hurdles and you delivered some brilliance once again. Love watching you compete. I believe there’s 5 guys feeling a little lighter not having you in the draw at trestles. Onto the next chapter and keep inspiring us all along the way. Hats off brother.”

“True champion,” wrote Connor O’Leary.

From close pal Diogo Canto, “As we’ve talked a lot on this trip, things don’t always turn out the way you expect them to. And it’s all right. Nothing happens by chance. I saw you become a champion in front of me in 3 stages and still your two championship! And none of those trips were as special as the one we’re living now. I was so sad when the ending was over but I’m so happy to see it’s maturity and growth mentally and spiritually. Seeing how positive you’ve been, and how well you’ve handled the stones that come your way… Daddy in heaven is up there in charge of everything, and I’m sure I’ll still see you lifting a lot of world trophies now! Let’s go together brother! I love you!”

And, from coach Andy King, “The Growth in and out of the water this year will set you up for life brother and you bring all of those around you up into being the best versions of themselves forever Grateful.”

"My pain levels have dropped significantly!"

As first reported on these pages over the previous week and despite being given no chance by fans, Ethan Ewing will be competing in the WSL Finals three weeks off busting two vertebrae in his back. 

Ewing, a baby-faced twenty-five-year-old Australian with the “plumpest and most spankable bottom in surfing”, was driven, we were told, by a desire to keep Medina out of the Final Five and to mop up the blood from last year’s failed title attempt. 

The favourite to win the contest is the small-wave wizard and reigning world champion Pip Toledo, whose daddy claimed yesterday the only reason Pip don’t charge Teahupoo is ‘cause she wants to save himself for the Finals, something that didn’t bother mad-dog Ewing.

“His focus is on the world tour final and another world title. Now is not the time to show that you throw yourself at Teahupoo,” said Ricardo Toledo. “Look what happened with Ethan Ewing… You have to know the moment to expose yourself and the time in which can expose yourself.”

(I’d suggest Pip throw this Patton quote on this wall, “Some men will get over their fright in a minute under fire, some take an hour, and for some it takes days. But the real man never lets his fear of death overpower his honor, his sense of duty to his country, and his innate manhood.”)

Now, in a stirring message to fans and foes alike, Ewing has demonstrated his fitness and strength with a series of clips from a gymnasium workout, even a  cursory glance at Ewing’s quadriceps will strike fear into the bowling pin-shaped Toledo, and concludes his posts with a photograph seated in biz class en route to Los Angeles.

Only eight days ago, the World Surf League was accused of “passive aggressively trolling Ethan Ewing” after including him in promotional material.

The one-day surf-off will run some time between September eight and sixteen at San Clemente’s Lower Trestles, likely around 14 or 15.