Canadians (pictured) unaccepting. Photo: Strange Brew
Canadians (pictured) unaccepting. Photo: Strange Brew

Olympic surf hopeful Erin Brooks savagely denied citizenship by Canada which cruelly cites her “lack of experiencing hardship” as reason

Take off, hoser.

Surfing’s grand entry into the Olympics has been a wonderful study in unity. A glorious reflection of John Lennon’s most pure ideals. “Imagine there’s no countries, it isn’t hard to do…” Yes, thanks to the Olympics, Australian surfers instantly transform into Japanese surfers, Brazilian surfers transform into Irish surfers  and American surfers transform into…

…but wait, what jingoistic light through yonder window breaks? It is the north, and Canada is displaying wild, unfettered nationalism.

In a cruel and sadistic slam, the country’s federal government just rejected sweet 16-year-old Erin Brooks‘ attempt to fly the maple leaf over Teahupo’o. The surf prodigy who was born in Texas but raised in Hawaii has a father who holds dual American-Canadian citizenship and a grandfather who was born in Montreal.

Avoir le feu au cul!

Alas, that fine heritage was not enough for the powers that be. In a letter explaining the decision not to grant a “discretionary grant of citizenship,” to Brooks, Immigration, Refugees and Citizenship Canada says she did not meet the requirements to go full Canuck.

“The application is refused on the basis that the applicant is not stateless, has not experienced special or unusual hardship or provided services of an exceptional value to Canada which warrants a discretionary grant of Canadian citizenship,” it said.

Three kinds of rude, right there.

Jeff Brooks, Erin’s papa, was frustrated but not bent, signaling he will appeal the decision.

“She wants to surf [for Canada] because she wants to represent her family and her heritage,” Jeff said in an interview with the CBC. “And it’s just been an uphill battle … But I’m proud that she’s sticking to her guns and she wants to go through the complete process and give it everything she has. We’ve talked about it. If it doesn’t work out and she does have to walk away one day from Canada, she can do it with her head held high knowing she gave it everything she had and she tried her best to represent the country she feels the most tied to.”

Will Canada care or will red and white hearts remain frozen like the tundra?

More as the story develops.

Crazy surfers gambling
"I got 800 bucks on Ewing to beat Toledo in two straight heats!"

“Flattest winter since records began” blamed for mental health epidemic among Australian surfers!

"Surfers whinge if it's not good for three days, let alone a couple of months. This year they had a legitimate reason to complain."

Who don’t go nuts when the strong, well-muscled waves of winter fail to show and surfers are left to fiddle and burn, often more fiddling than  burning? 

Surfers on NSW’s South Coast, a couple hundred mile strip that runs from Wollongong in the north to Eden in the south, are being driven crazy, literally, claims a prominent news source ‘cause there ain’t been no winter swells. 

According to coastal researcher Dr Mitch Harley from the University of NSW, the waves have been “exceedingly flat. Usually, winter waves are about 1.6 metres in height on average,” he told ABC. “They were about 25 per cent lower at 1.3 metres, and we haven’t seen any really large wave events over the entire winter.”

Australian surf champ Matt Hoar told the ABC he’d never seen it this bad. 

“Surfers tend to whinge if it’s not good for three days, let alone a couple of months. This year in particular they had a legitimate reason to complain.”

Bega Valley counsellor Prem Kranti said surfers were hit two-fold, the flat spell and memories of the Black Summer bushfires from a few years back after a few early season fires took hold.

“There are physical, mental, emotional and also spiritual benefits of being in the ocean and out in nature,” she told ABC. “For people on the south coast, the ocean also provides a strong counterpoint to what has been damaged by bushfire.”

Another surfer, Alice Mood, echoed Kranti. 

“You’re hearing on the radio about fires. When you’re in the water you’re forgetting about it, you’re just having a good time so it’s that time out. I was always cranky. I tried other avenues like running, the gym and even gardening, but none of it cuts it.” 

I  presume I’m an oddity when it comes to flat spells. I wake, examine the listless ocean, and am overjoyed I’ve  been gifted another day without the interference of surfing. Free from guilt, I can improve my sauna game (four hits of twenty minutes in a crowded hot box with quick dips in the ocean pool), wrestle without limit, wallow in medieval literature and extend midday naps til dark and so on. 

Where do you fall? A lover of flat spells or does your mind tend to the crazy?

Sam George (insert) instructing. Photo: Wavestorm
Sam George (insert) instructing. Photo: Wavestorm

Preeminent surf guru Sam George delights adult learners with a treatise on the “surfboard size” issue eight years too late

"How big’s your board?" I asked, after watching another vain attempt to kick into a little swell.

There is one thing gloriously certain in this our modern day and age. Sam George, preeminent surf guru, a Buddha by any other name, has rediscovered his vast mojo thanks to “the definitive voice of surfing and the outdoors” The Inertia. The silver-haired 67-year-old, “still very active in surfing, continuing to compete in standup paddle races and tandem events,” went more quiet than he should have a decade, or such, ago on the surf writing end, focusing on film and celebrity wife swapping instead.

Now, though, he is back, outing secret San Francisco spots for adult learners, murdering them too.

It is all wonderful, The Inertia’s soft-topped enthusiasts losing sleep waiting for his latest drips of pure wisdom.

George always delivers.

Most recently, Nia Peeples’ ex-husband shared with them that they are all riding boards that are “too short.”

“So I recently enjoyed a fine session at a remote California point break, sharing modest, three-to four-foot right walls with a small crew, all who could generously be described as ‘middle-aged.'” he began, before continuing:

One of our number, a very experienced surfer on the far side of 50, sat in the pack, sunk up to his clavicles on a tiny Sharp Eye thruster, patiently waiting his turn, when he would paddle for, and miss, virtually every wave that came his way.

“How big’s your board?” I asked, after watching another vain attempt to kick into a little swell.

“Five-seven,” he said, and proudly, too.

“Wow,” I said. “I bet it would work great in a hollow reef break.”

The devastating takedown led to a discussion on how too many surfers are on the wrong board, i.e. not long enough, and how they would do well to lengthen up in order to make Phil Edwards smile.

Though the word “volume” never comes up, it is a similar conversation that embroiled the surf world eight, or so, years ago.

Should the perpetual intermediate be on more foam.

It must be assumed that “thinking surfer” on an 8-foot Wavestorm Classic in rasta red, yellow, green will add the 9-foot Wavestorm Classic, Barbie edition, to quiver.

The thought piece echoed what the master told the BeachGrit community three years ago.

Always ahead of the curve, here.

David Lee Scales and I, anyhow, discussed George genius along with a robust debate on if adult males should dress for Halloween in tandem with wife and child.

What do you think about that?

Listen here.

Lupita Nyong'o with "deceptive" barrel dodger Selema Masekela. Photo: Instagram
Lupita Nyong'o with "deceptive" barrel dodger Selema Masekela. Photo: Instagram

Surfing’s Selema Masakela accused of “barrel dodging” after turning Instagram comments off in wake of damning breakup from Lupita Nyong’o

"There have been barely any comments supporting Selema Masekela."

To know Sal Masekela, who transitioned to Selema when it became personally beneficial, is to know him, as the saying goes. It was, then, with much shock that the millions upon millions who have never made his acquaintance received word of his breakup from Lupita Nyong’o.

The Academy Award-winning actress took to Instagram, yesterday, to both story and hard-post the demise of the relationship that had been robustly celebrated less than one year ago.

“At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust,” wrote Nyong’o, who won an Oscar for her performance in 12 Years a Slave. “I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception… I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love. And so, I am choosing to face the pain, cultivating the courage to meet my life exactly as it is, and trusting that this too shall pass.”

Extinguished by deception.

While fans rallied to Nyongo’s side, one writing “How do you fumble her???” Masekela barrel dodged by turning off the comments to his Instagram page.

All of them.

Thousands upon thousands of encouraging words praising the part-time surf commentator’s various self portraits.

“Masekela has not said anything and has turned off his Instagram comments,” the BBC reported, later adding, “There have been barely any comments supporting Masekela.”

Nyong’o’s channel is a different story with throngs of defenders. Amongst them are Marlon Wayans, of the famed Wayans brothers, who suggested, “Be kind to you as you heal. I always say whenever I have a break up ‘lucky me, I get to love ME again. I missed you me.’ Go love on you woman.”

But who is there to love Selema, besides Selema, that is, who has already been enjoying a years’ long affair with self? It must have been extremely difficult to turn off the shower of accolades he so clearly enjoyed.

Hopefully back on soon.

Fingers crossed.

North Shore altered. Photo: Surfline
North Shore altered. Photo: Surfline

Surf forecasting giant alters potentially traumatizing name of beloved North Shore wave

Introducing "Chambers."

The Israeli-Hamas conflict is entering its second week and it is heart-wrenching. Mass innocent casualties, many more over the horizon. The entire world is bent and twisted with rage, while watching. Comedian Sarah Silverman tweeting that Palestinian babies don’t deserve water. Beverly Hills doctors going on unhinged screeds about “demonic, pedophile zionists.

Civil discourse down the drain.

In light of these wildly polarized times, Surfline, the forecasting giant and official partner of the World Surf League, has quietly altered the name of a beloved wave on Oahu’s North Shore just up from the Banzai Pipeline.

Yes, Gas Chambers is now, officially, simply Chambers.

The other Gas Chambers, in Aguadilla, Puerto Rico, is also, formally, Chambers.

A “gas chamber” is not, in and of itself, evil or bad though the most common association is certainly with the horrors of World War II when Germany’s Nazis attempted to wipe Jewish people from the earth, often utilizing gas chambers in hellish concentration camps.

Now, do you think Surfline’s sensitivity, here, is long overdue or are you of the mind that history is history and changing names, destroying monuments etc. is an affront to sense?

Which “team” are you on and can you shout the opposing side into oblivion or jail?

Give it a go.